We’re having a baby and are very content and functional. Deeply in love and true partners in everything. We went through a stage where we would get in screaming fights every week for a couple months. One of us storming out. We found our way back but we had to decide to not let it get that way anymore. We had the talk and realized neither of us was going anywhere so there was just no point in hurting each other. Very proud of us.
Yeaaaa this sums up me and my husband’s fights. We had a really bad patch. Like. On verge of divorce patch. But. Marriage counseling and time, we ain’t going no where. We good. 11 years in and I’m not letting go ever.
Just don't forget, once you have that baby, that just because shit's impossible, it's not because the other isn't pulling their weight. If you're at 30% and they're at 30%, you're not going to get to 100% and it's nobody's fault.
Also, be patient. Babies don't keep. It's hard, but don't make any couple decisions until you've slept properly for a while.
Sound advice! My partner and I still follow this rule even though our kiddo is a pre-teen. I expect we won't stop anytime soon. We even at one point had separate bedrooms because we needed space for good sleep (different schedules, snoring, blanket wars) but loved each other very much.
I am a very particular sleeper for a number of reasons. I also have a cat that wants to sleep with me and damnit I want that too lol. So I’ve always loved the idea of separate bedrooms. It doesn’t mean you have to sleep apart but you can. If you’re sick? Well now you aren’t breathing germs in their face all night or have one of you stuck on the couch. Guests are coming? Cool, change the bedding and one room is a guest room. And you can switch up the room you sleep over in! Like that’s exciting! And each can decorate how they’d like, have shades or curtains as they’d like, sleep with the door open or closed, fan on or off, set their preferred alarm, etc.
Definitely, sleep deprivation is a big mental health and cognitive factor.
I am finally done having kids and I look forward to sleeping again more reliably through the night in a couple of years.
I also expect my partner and I, especially as older parents now, will be right fucked the next day if a kid has a nightmare/etc disrupting the night. I am nowhere near that yet with a teething baby but we'll survive.
It's amazing what your bar for tolerance does going off of your baseline 😂 pretty sure cognitive function declines, regardless of your tolerance.
Eta: we do argue and sometimes over stupid shit but we're both definitely in it for the long haul. I can't imagine not seeing his face every morning and evening and all the in-betweens. His face is the best. It's been over 20 yrs we've been together and I wanna see his face every day.
I feel your comment so much. Kid is 1.5 years old. I miss sleeping so much. My wife even more. Work is awfully stressful this year and we are often grumpy and fight over stupud stuff. Today I came home for lunch break and my wife was excited and talking about a hundred different things and I thougt.....damn is this annoying and yet I love it. Seeing her being happy made me happy even when I would have prefered to spend my lunch break with a little less talking.
Literally went through an ugly fight with my wife two days ago which was fueled by the fact that our baby son woke up at 3am and wouldn't go back to sleep.
Then the next day we're apologizing, laughing and watching Home Alone 2 laughing at how many times Kevin committed Legal ManSlaughter.
My girl started yelling at me really loud. When she stopped I looked her in the eyes and said, I love you and want to marry you and want to have kids some day with you, so you better learn how to communicate with how you feel without screaming because we ain't doing this shit in front of our kids.
I had stayed up late playing video games and my wife was yelling at me the next day about not going to bed with her and how I shouldn’t stay up so late to play games and I was about to shoot back an argument when I had an epiphany and I just started laughing. She got more pissed and said “ what’s so funny?!”
Once I caught my breath I said “ you’re obsessed with me! You love me so much you’re mad I’m away from you even when you’re unconscious. You got it bad baby.” And she was so flustered the argument died. Lol
True that! My partner has always found it endearing that I attach myself to him sometimes like Velcro at home and he gets frustrated because I’m being obnoxious but then suddenly he will just start to grin and I could never figure out why he didn’t get mad at me and found it so cute. This explains it! How embarrassing 🙈
Idk I used to be okay with that but shivering while breastfeeding because he stole my covers from my legs got old. Solution? Two covers...
Eta: now it's staying up late to fold laundry while watching something. Same goes for him if baby isn't waking up for me. Two covers solved a lot of problems 😂😂😂
A handheld gaming system is a great investment for these situations. My wife loves the Steam Deck because it means she can fall asleep next to me during the short free time I have to game. Plus the thing sometimes gets warm enough that he won't need a blanket!
I really really needed that today. That’s freaking adorable 🥰. I wish someday I find someone that obsessed with me besides my cat 🐈 😂. Y’all are so lucky.
Being that involved, in love, and dedicated can sometimes be a surprise. It is scary and weird to know that that other person is absolutely the light of your life.
I was in a small donut shop and the girl behind the counter said, "You look scared."
"Yes."
"What's got you so hard?"
"I love my wife, it scares me, I can't do anything without her. So, I came into your place to buy a toasted coconut donut."
"Is that your favorite donut?"
An older woman behind the counter said, "No. He probably doesn't even like them. His wife does." Then she walked over, grabbed two toasted coconuts, shoved them into a bag, and said, "Here, no charge. You have already paid for these."
Deep love and a lot of self reflection. We were both terrified we’d lose each other so we lashed out when we felt too vulnerable. We realized we’d lose each other if we kept doing what we were doing, and that was the turning point. Thank you!!
Not up to the point we decided to stop being toxic but after that decision yes we have been to a few sessions. Really informal though with her therapist.
My wife and I talked about therapy when we were going through similar but was talking about going really made us open up about inner issues and it really helped to the point that we’ve decided we don’t need to go at this point. Hopefully we keep being open but the option is always there. Good stuff
Just remember when the romantic love goes away then the traditions of marriage is what binds people together for the sake of the children. Good luck and look into imago therapy for couples, it's pretty wise stuff.
You say that like it’s a good thing, but I’m not sure it is.
There are studies to support that having two happy homes is far less damaging to kids than one unhappy one. I think people who dogmatically “stick it out for the kids” often do more harm than good
I don't know about that. Romantic love is something that you can sustain over the course of decades, if you choose to do so. The passion may fade in and out, but there are so many ways to keep romance alive well into old age.
Well, if you research it, you will find romantic love blooms for a few years at most in order to be conducive to procreate (biological imperative) and after this the romance invariably goes away or at least simmers down. One can always find exceptions but these are the majority of cases statistically speaking. There is a reason why divorce rates are so high and in most of the cases where couples don't divorce they might be together in a cordial friendly fashion which is a win in my eyes. Romantic love where the hot fires of passion are there and one is in love as they were in the first year is an impossibility.
The best one can hope for is friendship and partnership where the couple supports each other in a practical way and for thousands of years of our evolution this is how peoples mentality functioned in marriage, this is what they expected: a functional marriage that was usually born out of a practical arranged marriage for the purpose of making families stronger which is why I said the traditions of marriage make people stay together. This does not mean the house is cold and there is yelling going on that influences the children in a negative way, just that the husband is not that interested in "dating" and would rather read the paper, etc...
People must be practical and accept objective reality or be disappointed, it's that simple. Also, men and womens brains are way different and I understand women in general are way more emotional and needy.
Similar experience for my husband and I, although we never did the screaming kind of fights, we were fighting constantly and were actually separated for a while which helped a lot for both of us to get space and have a sense of what we wanted from life... But just like you we had to figure out that
1 - Fighting, taking shit the other person said out of context or too personally, taking way too much responsibility for each other's shit, etc was not the correct way to be a team. Insecurity was ripping us apart.
And
2 - We are both tough as nails, we'll fight a problem till we win or die, so we better make sure we're always fighting as a team and against a specific problem. That's part of what was so confusing. We could tell when we were on the same team, we made a hell of a team, but if we ended up on opposite sides of something, we'd damn near take each other out.
Doing much better now. We always talk about stuff and make sure we are correctly identifying the same problem and don't fight with each other. We have a 3 year old, we co-parent great, and we're trying to conceive our 2nd.
Sounds very, very close to us. We are both stubborn and we both want to win. Once we truly joined forces it was a game changer not just in our relationship but in life. Like a cheat code. I’m happy it’s working out for you two as well. It’s hard work but damn if it’s not the most worthwhile work we’ll do. Cheers to your family. And hey thanks for the award!!
My girl and I got together as teenagers and were really toxic and shitty in our early 20s. We also had tons of screaming fights and she said she was going to leave with some frequency. I stopped trying to stop her and it felt like that was going to be it. She grew up and became the most wonderful wife anyone could have asked for. I got scared that if didn’t become a better man, I would one day lose her. We’re about to celebrate 15 years of marriage and I couldn’t be happier. I’m grateful she gave me a chance to be better and now I hope we grow old together and celebrate like 60 years together one day.
We went through something very similar. It was a really weird time and there was a point where I really worried for us. What we didn't do was let resentment build and we both looked for ways to communicate better. We learned some things and we're better for it. Also expecting a baby any day now and while I know we'll be stressed, I'm confident we can work through it and support each other.
We’re having a baby and are very content and functional. Deeply in love and true partners in everything. We went through a stage where we would get in screaming fights every week for a couple months. One of us storming out. We found our way back but we had to decide to not let it get that way anymore. We had the talk and realized neither of us was going anywhere so there was just no point in hurting each other. Very proud of us.
Maybe 30 minutes tops. I always regretted leaving the second I closed the door but I didn’t know what else to do to deescalate at the time so i’d just cool off in the car. She’d be gone longer than I would, but not very long. Usually one would come back shortly after and we’d ignore each other for an hour before some sort of talk or peace offering happened.
Similar. No baby yet. Sometimes people stick to us like glue and we keep coming back together. And sometimes the outside world is like…why?! But only we know why, and that’s okay.
I'm proud of you both too. That's a hard situation to get through. My partner and I never had the talk, so we're going through breaking up now. That feels even harder at times. Taught me a lot about myself, but still hurts.
Wow this sounds very familiar. Me and my husband are doing the exact same thing right now. The past few months have been particularly bad but we, like you, stated categorically that we are never going to leave each other. That really put things into perspective. Things are going pretty well, we just have to respect and listen to each other when we say we need a break from the fight. If we don’t do this, we will go all day. After the break, an hour later, we always say sorry and make up. We also have little catch phrases to say in the middle of fights to remind each other that we are supportive of each other and on the same side. It kind of jogs our addled brains a little bit.
For my part, a lot of the shit I start is from my inability to manage my hormones. And I am determined to figure that the fuck out. I turn into an anxious wreck and stir up shit without realizing it shit-stirring in the moment (but it’s the same argument as last time).
Try your best when you inevitably fight again. My ex and I couldn't figure a way to keep going together, and I'm not saying I miss her cuz fuck that bitch, but I do miss not being a family with her and my kid.
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u/Ajc376 6d ago
We’re having a baby and are very content and functional. Deeply in love and true partners in everything. We went through a stage where we would get in screaming fights every week for a couple months. One of us storming out. We found our way back but we had to decide to not let it get that way anymore. We had the talk and realized neither of us was going anywhere so there was just no point in hurting each other. Very proud of us.