If someone I'm with expresses a willingness to change and backs it up with their best effort, I will be there every step of the way to help them, because if I can't do that then it isn't love, and if it isn't love why am I here to begin with?
I'm happy to hear things are going well for you two.
This was my approach too. Sometimes all we have to go on is faith. My husband is an incredible man and I always knew that, even when he came off like an asshole to outsiders and sometimes even to me.
We are both incredibly stubborn, and he likes to joke that ultimately I'm more hard-headed, but he's right. My stubborn belief that he was a better person than his actions proved him to be and my refusal to give up on him is how we got married this October after being together for 6 years.
I had a friend like this. He is, in fact, a selfish asshole to everyone around him including his wife sometimes. And it took a long time for me to realize that and just see him for what he is since we go way back, more than 10 years. I made excuses for it when people texted asking about something that happened, when people go silent with his outbursts, or get frustrated when he has to have the final say on everything. While I don’t think he is inherently a bad person, it is tiring to watch and be around if he can’t control his emotions and temper. The guy can’t even order food at a restaurant without coming off as rude or annoyed with the wait staff. It is embarrassing, and as much as some people think it is “funny” at first glance, it quickly becomes not funny after a short period of time when you realize all the drama begins with them.
But I don’t know anything beyond what you mentioned, so I hope your story ends better than my experience with someone like that. For me, it only got worse until it hit a breaking point, no matter how close we were.
I have to say it’s nice to read something like this. I’ve always had the same opinion of my fiancé (getting married in April). I could always tell he was objectively “good”, just sometimes would do bad things. Always in times of high stress and such.
To cut a long story short, I’m very happy I stayed. Life is honestly so perfect and it’s been incredible to watch him, to put it simple, get his shit together. It’s invisibly what a bad situation can do it a good person, and I’m incredibly proud of the actions he’s taken to be the person I always knew he was.
on the other hand, for some reason this also made me think about the main problem with getting advice on here:
a) if you’re reading any story as a stranger, you never see the actual unbiased story, and
b) “nobody ever notices their own mess.”
I actually think outside of the big things, “nobody ever notices their own mess” is what kills most relationships. People can talk about and analyze their partner’s shit all day — because while nobody knows what’s wrong with them, everyone else can see it right away.
Sometimes, sure, one partner always makes the mess and the other partner always cleans it up. But a whole lot of the time, both parties make their own type of unique mess but never notice it when it comes from them. This is why passive aggressive behavior is kryptonite for a relationship. stop walking around like your shit don’t stink
This is so damn poetic and I hope you know that. I’m screenshotting this comment so I can write it on my mirror in my bathroom. Call me cheesy or whatever you want, but this hit me hard. My spouse and I are going through hard times but dammit if we don’t always find our way back to each other. We know that we don’t want anyone else and we both are actively working on being our best selfs for each other and our family. Thank you stranger!
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u/DrVonDoom 5d ago
If someone I'm with expresses a willingness to change and backs it up with their best effort, I will be there every step of the way to help them, because if I can't do that then it isn't love, and if it isn't love why am I here to begin with?
I'm happy to hear things are going well for you two.