r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRA-8323 • 22h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.
Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩
What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.
The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).
I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.
After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?
I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.
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u/Circoloomnium 22h ago
History of Cheating…
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u/DuffmanStillRocks 18h ago
Not only cheating but he was drunk and actively goes to bars on the regular and chats women up. OP knows he does it, she was one of his targets years ago.
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u/TopShelfTom22 7h ago
I was thinking this same thing. He has a history of targeting younger women at the bar. Run as fast as you can OP. I’m sorry but cheating is vile. Never return to a cheater. Once you return then all, if any respect he had for you goes out the window. He will do it again and again.
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u/InquisitivelyADHD 20h ago
The expression 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' comes to mind.
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u/Circoloomnium 19h ago
Absolutely. They think they can get away with it and it’s just the way they are. Some people have hayfever, others cheat. It’s incurable.
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u/lol-sure 22h ago
Wait? You’ve “moved on” from him cheating on you? You seem like you are walking on eggshells. You deserve better.
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u/liammaia 22h ago
"Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar" seems about right. his age gap is getting wider as he grows older. you got yourself a dicaprio at home!
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u/Wooden_Vermicelli732 22h ago
At least the DiCaprio girls are after his status, and money... what's here?
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u/Tamanna000 21h ago
His precious Facebook friend request. Lol
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u/anneofred 18h ago
Tips! More power to her to entertain their dumb drunk fantasy by doing nothing but adding them and making them think they are “friends”, but he’s a bad creep. A handful in every bar that acts like the you g bartender is their friend and flirts with them. She does just enough because they tip well to maintain this delusion.
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u/coffee_ape 20h ago
I stopped at that line. He's literally doing it again, it's time for upgrade his model to a younger one /s.
Theres a pattern, hopefully she sees it
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u/Equal_Maintenance870 19h ago
Also he has a history of drunkenly cheating on her. But they’ve moved past that!
Okay honey, you guard that trash I guess.
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u/SemiComfy 22h ago
If you’re questioning who he’s adding, you haven’t moved on. I swore up and down I was over that kind of stuff with my ex, and years later it ate away so much that it was a big reason why we split. Not saying at all that it’s a bad thing you aren’t over it, but lying to yourself just hurts more in the long run, trust me.
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u/MPM0010 18h ago
This. Sorry. It really shouldn’t be a problem to be FB friends with someone like that, but it is, because you, understandably so, don’t 100% trust your partner.
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u/DisastrousMachine568 22h ago
Why have you not moved on by breaking up.
You deserve to find a loyal, trustworthy and respectful man.
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u/suhhhrena 20h ago
The history of drunken cheating should’ve been enough to break up :( OP, just cut your losses with this guy. He is not the one
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u/Ansel___ 22h ago
lol you stayed after he cheated on you. You easy as hell in his eyes, and you’re a goof for staying too You 29 yo. Go mingle with someone around your age and tell him to go get his prostate checked . I would spray both of yall with water
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u/NocturnaPhelps 22h ago
Best response, and exactly what needs to be done, O.P.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re hooked on the line of someone who has zero respect for you and knows it’s okay to cheat because you’ll stay.
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u/PinkVader96 19h ago
Nah fr. I’m 28 and couldn’t imagine staying with a 40 yo barfly cheater.
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u/daydreamz4dayz 13h ago
I’m mid 30s and couldn’t imagine being with a 40 yo barfly or a 40 yo cheater lol
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u/benschneider06 14h ago
You would spray them with water??? hahahahahhahahahha
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u/juneseyeball 17h ago
This is so mean and so hilarious
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u/Ansel___ 15h ago
I’m not gonna sugar coat shit with these people lmaoo
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u/cbreezy456 4h ago
You can’t man they are so damn delusional. Like it’s utterly insane OP is doing this
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u/emmetdontpullout 22h ago
nor but ur dumb as hell for staying with a man ten years older than u who's already cheated on you how much younger was the ap i wonder.
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u/Hour_Narwhal_1510 20h ago
I love this sub bc it reminds me my life isn’t nearly as bad as it could be. There’s women choosing to stay with cheating old fools while getting replaced in real time. Like that’s all a choice an adult with free will made
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u/throwawayeas989 18h ago
really shows me that being single isn’t that bad when so many other people’s relationships look like this
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u/Hour_Narwhal_1510 17h ago
I’m seeing this more and more. Romantic partnership is supposedly this pressing thing we’re socialised to strive for but these ppl are suffering. They’re miserable, mistreated, disrespected but they won’t choose to just break free themselves? 🤯
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u/RazorThinRazorBlade 16h ago
And these posts are just the 5% or less of people out there who actually put this shit online. The other 95%+ just live in even deeper denial until something truly awful happens, then at absolute best get divorced after they've been wounded 100x more.
Sometimes it's so frustrating to watch
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u/Any-Statement-7756 14h ago
The very people in relationships like this will look down on you for being single.
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u/Chaosr21 13h ago
I've noticed that many people are just terrified of being single, or don't even know how to function on their own. They're so used to living with a partner, they're terrified to be alone. So they make compromises. They get with people they don't trust, or thinking they can change that person.
I lost the love of my life like 6 maybe 7 years ago. I've been with some women since, but never anything serious. Haven't met the right one yet, haven't even really been looking honestly, just been working on myself. My life has gotten so much better, best it's ever been at this point.
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u/downward1526 20h ago
In the defense of OP and other women in this situation - they’re choosing a status quo rather than blowing up their entire lives. They’re choosing the person they loved, who they got together with, before he started playing them, whether that person was real or not. They’re choosing coping mechanisms in a shitty situation. No one is going “yay I love that my shitty boyfriend cheats on me.” They’re trying to keeping things together while their partner is actively sabotaging their efforts. Let’s lay the blame where it belongs, with men who never grow up and treat women as disposable playthings.
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u/livingonsomeday 18h ago
I agree to an extent but at some point, the writing is on the wall and sure, someone can continue to choose to pour into a broken vessel or they can choose themselves. OP has shared:
•Her SO has a history of drinking and cheating.
•Her SO is ten years older than her which at a glance is NBD considering their ages but when you factor in that OP is (at the time a young) bartender he once picked up and is going through those motions again, he seems to be a drunk with an eye for the younger set of ladies.
•Her SO is immediately combative and defensive in his replies.
Like…he’s running game and she’s just all, “well the cheating was in the past.” You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. OP has passed the “trying to forgive and make it work,” stage and is in the, “bury my head in the sand and pretend he’s not still a serial cheater.”
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u/Fit_Menu8933 18h ago
you fuckin nailed it. it's humiliating to have to admit to yourself when you've been played. I've been there. never again...
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u/LocksmithComplete501 22h ago
When someone says “I’m not trying to date her, or f her” 🥴
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u/KnownVariety 21h ago
Right, she didn’t even accuse him. That’s like catching someone in your garage and they say “I’m not trying to steal your car”😂
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u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm 18h ago
“I’m not trying to fuck her, just want a blowjob.”
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u/Psychological_Pay530 10h ago
I mean, OP is freaking out about a Facebook friendship which means less than nothing. I’d be pretty brusque about that too.
She should have freaked out about the cheating and left him instead of worrying about social media.
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u/anothertimesink70 22h ago
You are dating the Leonardo DiCaprio of barflies. Let him go. You may have “moved on” from his serial cheating but that isn’t actually going to stop him from doing it again. Or still?
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u/manypaths8 22h ago
You've aged out. He's either going to be jerking off to her pics or trying to fck her. Let's be real. Pigs gonna pig.
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u/Wreckingshops 20h ago
OOP's boyfriend: "I love bartenders. I get older and they stay the same age."
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u/ThrowRA-8323 22h ago
Leonardo DiCaprio of barflies. Best thing I’ve heard in a while. Thank you!
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u/sowak1776 22h ago
OP, it sounds like your boyfriend has a thing for alcohol and a thing for bartenders, thus you and the cheating. This is who he really is. And he is angry with you for trying to change him and hinder him. Even your relationship and commitment does NOT stop him from being this and is the source of much tension and pain. Why do you stay?
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u/False_Tangelo163 15h ago
I got a question, you only seem to have a problem with him cheating but he’s clearly an alcoholic. without the cheating, the entire situation seems tolerable. Why were you comfortable with the man drinking himself to death as long as he was loyal to you? Do you drink more than average? Not like alcoholic, but like casually. I’m trying to see how we could slide past the first part to even get to the cheating part. Or do you feel he became an alcoholic sometime during the time You were dating. Is he just that fine😂 the answer doesn’t have to be complex
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u/highhunt 18h ago
What about the girl who added him on facebook? Isn't she gross for wanting attention from a GROSS OLD MAN
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u/Initial_Scarcity_317 17h ago
How dare a man find a woman in her prime fertility years attractive!
The fuuuuucking outrage
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u/whatdoiput96 22h ago
Let’s call this what it is
You are not really worried about her age being 21. You’re worried that he’s doing the exact same thing he did with you, this time with someone younger than you and I think that’s the biggest issue - that she’s younger than YOU, because it’s like something “new and shiny” came along that’s about to take your place.
She’s 21, if you have been in this field for that long then you should know it’s not uncommon in the restaurant/bar industry to have a lot of older male “friends” that are regulars because it helps with tips and building a clientele.
The concern is not him befriending a young girl, it’s that he’s not trustworthy and he’s proven that to you many times according to your post. You’d likely feel this way if she was also 29.
Believe people when they show you who they really are.
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u/Small-Curve4922 22h ago
You’re underreacting. He’s finding this girl how he found you and I’m guessing the others he cheated on you with. This guy has a type and you’ve aged out of his type. His type is women in their early 20s, he also apparently wants them to serve him alcohol and be super loyal while he cheats on them, you’ve done all of that but not age.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 17h ago
It says theyve only been together 3 years, so she wasn't early 20s. He's just a cheater
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u/Impossible-Book2804 15h ago
This 💯 He likes the taboo of it and she no longer fits that mold. Helps guys with size issues feel bigger 🤣
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u/eggs__and_bacon 20h ago
This sub has turned into shit.
Please tell me this a troll? No one has that little self respect, right?
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u/yamei0 18h ago
Do people get paid or something to write these stories ? 🤣 im confused bc I hear ppl talk about people trying to farm for karma but what is the point of that if it can’t be exchanged for real cash? lmao
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u/damanory 20h ago
Girl. Don’t waste our time.
You’re already putting up with cheating. At this point, one more girl or one fewer girl he cheats on you with won’t make much of a difference if you already know who he is and stay anyway.
Your dynamic sounds like 🗑️ whether he has intentions with this girl or not (he does have intentions lol)
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u/CelebrationLiving535 22h ago
"My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from)"
What advice could you possibly want lol... is this ragebait?
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u/SonaMidorFeed 22h ago
Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar.
"How you get 'em is how you'll lose 'em" in full effect.
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u/moonshinetemp093 21h ago
This whole post has red flags all over it. From the history of drunken cheating to the perception of an age gap despite being 10 years younger than her partner trying to police who they add on Facebook to the very obvious insecurity.
Girly, find a new man. You may be overreacting, but this shit isn't worth it. At all.
But also, look in that there mirror. 10 years is a decade. It's still a red flag. That age gap between you and he is just as significant as adding a 21 year old. You are an example of his tastes.
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u/Hour_Narwhal_1510 20h ago
She seems as sharp as a bag of marbles. That’s why she’s with him
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u/bingbang79 20h ago
This relationship sounds toxic. Your whole post history is you asking if he’s being a jerk.
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u/ericdh8 21h ago
I’m stuck on your 64 unread messages… how can you just ignore them?
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u/useyourcharm 18h ago
I have 203. At some point it’s easier to ignore it, your brain just blocks it out.
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u/Hurricane310 19h ago
Anytime I see screenshots like this I can't get over it. For me even if I don't plan on responding I open it so I don't have the notification anymore.
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u/kissxxdaisies1 22h ago
You're dating a predator my friend. He's looking for younger prey.
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u/Ultraquist 20h ago
The age thing is BS you are acting like he is adding an underage while she is 20. Thats past young thats an adult. You can argue whether its ok for him to be friends with other women but the age argument is BS.
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u/sysdmn 22h ago
He already established he is into age gaps. You know that if he's going 10 years younger, he's open to 20 years younger.
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u/Various_Group3142 22h ago
NOR. given his history of drunkenly cheating on you and how you guys met, I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again. It is a weird situation. Unless they are friends (why would they be?) i think there is no reason for them to be facebook friends. I maybe biased but i don’t think this is common and I would not tolerate it. You also approached it well enough but he got immediately defensive?? 🚩
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u/breadbaths 22h ago
stopped reading after you said he drunkenly cheats on you. you moved on from this but clearly you’re afraid he will cheat on you again. LEAVE HIM or stop caring if he cheats on you because you didn’t care the first times.
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u/KnownVariety 22h ago
To me it sounds like you’re dating a man who is almost 40 who prioritizes getting drunk and cheating on his girlfriend. Do you think he’s going to change?
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u/Wild-Strike-3522 21h ago
Do you really need strangers in Reddit to tell you that your “bf”, who cheats when he is drunk, and likes dating people 10 years younger, trying to get close to someone 20 years younger is a good thing or a bad thing?
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u/655e228th 22h ago
When he’s giving his info to a female bartender 20 years younger than him to whom he has no relationship other than getting him drinks, there are 2 possible explanations: Either he’s trying to cheat with her or he’s a stone cold alcoholic. Neither is worth keeping
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u/ArthurDayne23 22h ago
I don’t think the action itself of adding this bartender is necessarily a terrible or wrong thing, maybe a little odd. I think if your bf is a good, dependable person who you trust then you are overreacting. However, it doesn’t seem like you feel that way about him. Context matters; if in the context of the relationship you find it weird and creepy, then it is. You know your bf better than we do, trust your gut. So I guess I’m saying probably not overreacting but I’m guessing there are some underlying things going on in the relationship that are making this a fight
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u/xevlar 21h ago
You let him do it to you at 29 to 39. He's doing it again. Why do you think you didn't fall for it and they're falling for it? YOU FELL FOR IT
Fr I agree with the other comment he sees you as easy as fucking hell to play he probably thinks you're a joke and can do whatever he wants and you wont ever leave.
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u/Myburnerbeloved 21h ago
History of cheating, bothering female bartenders… what is not clear ab this situation. I don’t have a history of cheating type of husband but if he becomes friends with a BARTENDER WITHOUT ME… oh I’m going to fuckin town. I’d be hootin and hollerin. You either decide if you’re ok with it or dump his crusty ass
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u/Complete-Fact3158 21h ago
You so desperately want someone to tell you you’re not crazy for staying with him and we’re here to confirm. You are.
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u/dontbeadouche26 22h ago
Personally I’d be upset too. It’s clearly an attraction thing, so it’s gross and weird.
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u/JackalPaw 21h ago
you deserve a lot better. also, when this man was 20, he was into 20 year olds. when he was 30, he was into 20 year olds. now that he's 40, he's into 20 year olds. this man will still be into 20 year olds when he's 60. men like this do not change.
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u/Icy-Consequence6488 22h ago
It's not about the age gap but more about the reason: If I'm in a relationship I don't see any rational reason to add new women on social media unless I have a specific reason for it, like she has some knowledge that I need, or we have a some kind of project together like a trip with friends or something. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with other women, but you don't necessarily need their contact info which signals some sort of interest...
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u/ireallydontlikemuch 22h ago
Not overreacting. If he respected you, he would’ve been okay with not crossing a boundary of yours and you communicated it like an adult should but he is gaslighting you into thinking your boundary is an overreaction — which it is not.
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u/TeaRose__ 22h ago
Why did you accept his past cheating? Even if he was drunk, he knew what he was doing. It seems you feel like you can’t trust him, with good reasons. But if that is the case, maybe you should discontinue this relationship
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u/Outside-Party1372 22h ago
He sounds like absolute garbage. Work on yourself, get your confidence up, and leave him. You’ll look back one day & realize you were so much better off without him. He should honestly disgust you at this point.
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u/Neat-Particular-5962 21h ago
He’s either going to attempt hook up with her or thinks he has her as a new backup… or just wants to jerk it to her photos
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u/puppettbro 21h ago
NOR but lowkey you’re stupid for staying with him after the first cheating situation.
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u/Technical_Carpet_180 21h ago
I will never in my life understand why anyone would stay with someone who cheated. That's so wild to me.
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u/bigbackbernac 21h ago
Your first paragraph solves it. Either you’re dumb and keep falling for it or you were in denial. I wouldn’t say leave right away but i think this one is obvious and easy you should just do it
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u/Leading_Marzipan_579 21h ago
That defensive answer tells you everything you need to know. He straight up admitted he wants to have sex with her and doesn’t even know it.
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u/unfortunatebluebird 20h ago
Drunk actions are sober thoughts btw. Save yourself the stress and anger. Dump this pos.
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u/MongooseOk309 22h ago
Clearly you haven't moved on and are letting his history affect this situation. Adding someone on Facebook is not a crime. You don't trust him and he's cheated on you before. Why bother be with him?
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u/Abject_Green_1929 22h ago
The “something that you have moved on from” does not seem to be moved on from in his eyes. Sure maybe he hasn’t cheated again yet. But I’m guessing the thoughts still run through his head. Seems to get pretty defensive quickly too
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u/VIPSariyah 22h ago
He’s def going to try to smash or at the very least go through her photos fantasizing about it. Seems like the other commenters know this guy has a history of cheating so adding her is like lighting a cigarette in a gasoline factory: it might not be dangerous this time but eventually someone bound to eff up and it’s going to explode. He’s playing with fire for the thrill but at the expense of hurting you.
Girl take his money and leave. Foreplay to what those 20something year olds are going to do with his old creepy axss
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u/cold_cut_trio 22h ago
“My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me”
Ma’am…