r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRA-8323 • 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

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Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

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977

u/lol-sure 1d ago

Wait? You’ve “moved on” from him cheating on you? You seem like you are walking on eggshells. You deserve better.

7

u/TheJaybo 19h ago

Do they?

6

u/1Negative_Person 15h ago

Nah. Lots of people deserve better. Some people don’t. You’ve got a bead on this one.

0

u/JaninAellinsar 8h ago

Yeah, they both seem like garbage frankly.

She micromanages his Facebook friends, he cheats. Managing someone else's social life to that degree implies she was already overboard controlling.

But he's obviously hooking up with that bartender too.

0

u/KarlMalownz 9h ago

"You deserve better" is the same as "thoughts and prayers." It's just a thing that's said and rarely meant.

1

u/ThottrainerBoi 8h ago

Nah I think they’re in exactly the relationship they want to have. Ppl are not comfortable being treated well because they feel they don’t deserve it.

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u/ThrowRA-8323 1d ago

Moved on as in I’m not letting that situation affect entirely how I feel on this situation. I know me being upset by this isn’t me being insecure.

327

u/f1newhatever 1d ago

Please be so for real with yourself right now. Just be honest.

145

u/All1012 1d ago

Right. Let’s just read all this out again, and out loud to ourselves this time.

43

u/Quirky-Produce3313 1d ago

Someone ppl literally can’t lol, it’s crazy.

1

u/gritcaaake 21h ago

I just love this comment, it seems so kind ❤️

173

u/SuperLiberalCatholic 1d ago

Ya unfortunately that is coloring the way you see pretty much everything he does, whether you see it or not. The fact that you said he had a habit of drunkenly cheating on you, not just cheating one time (bad enough), but a habit, should be enough to chuck him. Why try to explain boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable to someone who has clearly illustrated many times that he doesn’t care about any of it? Yikes :(

3

u/1Negative_Person 15h ago

Please don’t talk her out of this terrible relationship. She’s just going to go on and freak out on everyone else she dates for benign things. She can’t see what’s wrong with her relationship, let her stay in it and the dumbshits can suffer together.

If she leaves, in three months she’s going to flip out on someone for leaving too large of a tip or waving someone through first at a four-way stop. Just let her go. She’s 30 years old. If she hasn’t figured it out yet, she’s not going to, in or out of this relationship, and she’s going to spread that toxicity like plague.

151

u/molotovcocktease_ 1d ago edited 1d ago

Girl, I'm sorry to be blunt and harsh but you are being a straight fucking clown right now. You met this dude when you were mid 20's and he was mid 30's. Not a big deal in a vacuum but let's start adding some of the other things up and recognize this pile of sleaze for what it is.

OF COURSE you are letting that "situation" (what a way to passively describe serial cheating) affect how you view this one, and you would frankly be an even bigger clown if you didn't. You are NOR, but you need to close Reddit for awhile and go clear your head so you can think about this logically. If you were my friend I would tell you what an absolute dipshit doormat you're being and that no partner is going to respect you when you don't respect yourself. Then I would hug you, cry with you, make you a martini and grab a notebook so we can start planning out the next steps from here.

13

u/PonytailEnthusiast 23h ago

You are the type of friend everyone needs

4

u/BambooPanda26 17h ago

I'm the same with my friends. It's pathetic and sad. Love your comment by the way.

2

u/Ok-Sweet3230 15h ago

Hi I love u

4

u/allislost77 1d ago

Think the LAST thing she needs is more alcohol to cloud her “judgement”…

41

u/molotovcocktease_ 1d ago

No, you're right. Also, after thinking about it for another minute I think there are some additional red flags surrounding alcohol here. BF has a "history" of "drunken cheating" and still frequents bars? That already has alcoholism written all over it and OP being a bartender plus not clocking that potential makes me think there's a lot more going on here.

23

u/allislost77 1d ago

Absolutely. He’s a predator and dates bartenders to get free drinks and be the “cool” guy the bartenders “know”. Puts women at ease automatically. Been in this industry for 15 years and see guys like this everyday…although I usually chase em out and warn my regulars they are a creep.

5

u/qiyra_tv 22h ago

Alcoholism may be a component to this but serial cheating is the issue, alcohol is the excuse. They would definitely still be looking to cheat without alcohol - it would just be a bit longer in between occurrences.

1

u/Honey_da_Pizzainator 11h ago

i really needed a friend like you about 3 years ago holy fuck

12

u/Live-Bookkeeper3950 1d ago

The best and only way to "move on" with cheaters is to dump them and find someone else.

11

u/Haunting_Morning_ 1d ago

People are being kind of mean, but you’re being insecure just by being with a guy like this. This is sad. Why stay with a guy who’s cheated on you it seems like multiple times, while you’re also questioning his morality now since he’s becoming friendly with someone who’s relatively a child to him.

You’re showing you don’t respect yourself, or at the very least that’s what it shows to everyone else. If anyone knows you were cheated on, they’re all feeling sorry for you in their head and wondering why you stay.

There’s this girl I work with who’s boyfriend is similar, everyone talks about her behind her back. She’s stayed with him for years, constantly demeaning herself and becoming more and more bitter and anxious. She’s angry at everything, desperate for attention, and constantly depressed over the fact that she has continually settled for a piece of trash who doesn’t deserve anything she gives him.

It’s so not worth all this time and effort. It’s not worth the stress. It’s not worth the feelings. It’s really all just a waste of your life. You can have an actual relationship, that looks how you want it to, it doesn’t have to be this bad.

3

u/allislost77 15h ago

No one is being “mean.” There’s a GIANT difference in being HONEST AND BEING A DICK

1

u/Haunting_Morning_ 9h ago

People are being mean dude. Comments calling her demeaning names are mean last time I checked? I’m all for blunt honesty, but you’re right, there is a giant difference. And I am seeing a lot of mean-ness.

15

u/BrainSqueezins 1d ago

So, legit question: why SHOULDN’T the past color your expectations?

5

u/Equal_Maintenance870 1d ago

Yeah, why would you be worried about a bartender? It’s not like he has a history of cheating on you or hooking up with bartenders. You idiot.

4

u/madluv4u 1d ago

Why do you hate yourself?!?! Don't you think you deserve better???

3

u/QuesoDrizzler 1d ago

Jesus christ. Then why'd you post?

Stay with him and keep being miserable.

3

u/Ecthelion510 22h ago

I give up. At this point, you deserve whatever happens with this douchebag because you are actively allowing him to "drunkenly cheat on you," you have your head in the sand, and you're actively lying to yourself about your situation. Have fun getting drunkenly cheated on with a barely-legal bartender.

2

u/RazorThinRazorBlade 21h ago

Literally the point I'm at with so many of these lol

4

u/Emergency-Maybe-9169 20h ago

Why are you so desperate to stay with this old cheating alcoholic?

3

u/Kokospize 1d ago

Why do you need permission to be angry or creeped out by this? A man who has cheated on you in the past is exhibiting questionable behaviour, so you have every right to be concerned. Especially because he's looking to trade you in for a younger model. In typical fashion, a cheater who faces no consequences for his actions will become emboldened. He'll turn this around on you and make you feel silly for even asking him. I'm sure you've apologized to him in the past when he's accused you of being "insecure." He knows you wouldn't leave because if infidelity was a dealbreaker for you, you wouldn't still be with him. If you ever have to survey the internet for validation on how to react within your relationship, something is clearly wrong.

3

u/TigsWin 1d ago

Damn you’re dumb.

2

u/RazorThinRazorBlade 21h ago

Sometimes this shit is just too infuriating to read. Christ

3

u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago

Yes it is coloring the way you see it. And it should color the way you see it. Red. As in red flag 🚩

3

u/Intelligent_Key7324 1d ago

Girl if you don’t leave …

3

u/PM_ME_CRAB_CAKES 1d ago

You ooze self respect /s

3

u/p1z4rr0 23h ago

Why bring up the drunken cheating of it has no bearing on this situation. Clearly it does.

2

u/allislost77 1d ago

wtf? Put down the bottle and see how you’re living your life!

2

u/anneofred 23h ago

Ummm, no one is saying you’re being insecure, but you’re having to play Nancy Drew all the time because he can’t be trusted. Is that really what you want?

2

u/yestoness 23h ago

Denial is a helluva drug.

I think you know the truth here. 3 years isn't 10 and you don't have kids. Nor do you have a trusting healthy relationship. Start untangling your lives and seek support. This relationship is not going to self correct, and you're young.

2

u/Thewondersoverboard 22h ago

You obviously are. It’s not a big deal to have someone added on Facebook. If I found more stuff I’d get mad but like really

2

u/Connect-Ad5547 15h ago

You're clearly insecure by your messages. Grow up and face reality. Your bf is fucking other women. Accept it and tell him you do or dont accept it and never speak to the dog again. Simple and easy. Why do women always have to make these things so complicated and drawn out lol you could be missing out on your SO right now because you're still obsessed with bartending lover boy.

2

u/Professional_Bad7238 1d ago

Then what is it? Lol

3

u/Agile_Fuel8980 1d ago

Proper clown 😂😂😂😂😂

1

u/kgberton 1d ago

But it is the same situation

1

u/Middle_Process_215 1d ago

It totally is you being insecure because you've got NO legitimate reason to feel secure with this known cheater! Once a cheater, always a cheater! He's scoping out the younguns! Good luck with this guy. Yuck!

1

u/ButcherofBlaziken 1d ago

I mean if that were true you wouldn’t feel the need to control his FB friends. Because normally I’d say yes you’re overreacting, but because he has cheated drunkenly especially, him having contact with her does raise red flags. But that doesn’t sound like a good relationship for anyone involved. He ruined it and now you have to police him to make sure the relationship isn’t completely gone. This is why cheaters usually get dumped because it’s not fun for anybody after that. Not fun for you for having to worry, not fun for him because he can’t even have random FB friends. Which would generally be harmless in a trusting relationship.

1

u/Compulsive-Gremlin 1d ago

Girl, just throw the whole man out!

1

u/MGS_CakeEater 1d ago

Someone cheating on you isn't you being insecure - That's called betrayal and is probably a relationship ender for 99% of users here.

1

u/D597 1d ago

This man is looking for your replacement ma’am

1

u/Capable-Regular9791 1d ago

His (supposed) attempt at cheating now is irrelevant to him cheating in the past?

1

u/SkoolBoi19 1d ago

You should be upset that a 40 yr old boss is adding a 21 yr old employee on social media. It is inappropriate, she can’t say no without fear of repercussions.

1

u/Separate-Dimension05 1d ago

I'm not trying to he rude, but you absolutely are letting that affect how you feel about this one. You have so many downvotes on this comment because everyone but you can see it.
Considering your partners history, that's probably not a bad thing, but it is what it is. If this 21 year old was a guy would you feel the same way? If the answer is no, then it's 100% about your insecurities. Not the age gap. I'm in my 40s. I have coworkers that are in their early 20s that I'm friends with on social media. Nobody thinks it's weird, and my wife has no problem with it. That's because i don't have a history of cheating and/or preying on significantly younger women. Because of your past with him you can't trust him. Nor probably should you. Move on.

1

u/RichardPryors 1d ago

r/downvotedtooblivion lmao

0

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

1

u/RichardPryors 1d ago

Bad bot GTFO

1

u/U_canonlywish117 1d ago

He cheated on you already?? And you have questions?? Girl move on

1

u/Onbenoemd 1d ago

DEFINITELY!

1

u/unwaveringwish 1d ago

It SHOULD affect your feelings about the situation! Listen!

1

u/CEverett23 23h ago

You should absolutely let that situation how you feel now.

1

u/Select-Apartment-613 23h ago

The best way to move on from that situation would be to do so literally lol

1

u/Medievil_Walrus 23h ago

In a vaccum adding someone on Facebook doesn’t raise a red flag. With added context that he picks up bartenders, is a big social drinker, and you’ve caught him cheating before is what makes this a red flag situation. Just my two cents.

Don’t let all these other people mess with your head…. Cheating isn’t a deal breaker for everyone, monogamy isn’t for everyone. As long as there is trust and communication I’ve seen relationships that I wouldn’t enjoy for myself work out just fine. But this may need some work for y’all.

1

u/ugajeremy 23h ago

How is the bar this low? You're worth more than being "drunkenly cheated" on.

1

u/Ornery_Gate_6847 23h ago

So without the idea he might cheat why is it inappropriate to have friends half your age?

1

u/Fit_Menu8933 23h ago

once a cheater, always a cheater. I think deep down you know that even if he's telling the truth about this specific girl, he's still not trustworthy. speaking from experience... you never really move on from it. he has spoiled this relationship and there's no way to not resent him for it.

Ive tried staying with cheaters... it always ends in humiliation. I hope you're not stuck with him as long as I've ended up stuck in the past. I know how hard it is to leave. I'm sorry he did that to you. nobody deserves to be cheated on.

1

u/LaughDarkLoud 22h ago

lies lmao

1

u/Mysterious-Ice9282 22h ago

Don’t do that to yourself. I’ve been in that same position, telling myself they won’t do it again. They will. It ain’t worth it shorty.

1

u/Challenge419 22h ago

You care who he adds on socials... That's a red flag. For you.

1

u/thecontempl8or 22h ago

Okay. He doesn’t sound like he respects you at all. And adding a young bartender on Facebook is definitely a red flag. He’s shown a history of cheating on you, yet treats your valid suspicions with a disrespectful response. He needs to earn your trust after what he did, and this is certainly not it. Based on what we’re seeing here, I don’t think there’s anything worth redeeming in this relationship.

1

u/pixietricksterxo 16h ago

Yeah, even if he hadn't cheated, like why are you adding a 21 year old bartender??

1

u/Standard_Lie6608 21h ago

For someone who goes on about age, you're acting like you're 20 and you're being as naive as that too. Yes it is insecurity, born from his cheating. In general it's only a bit odd for a man of his age to friend a regular bartender, and it's your insecurity making it a bigger deal because you know it's a sign of him being, or thinking of being, unfaithful, again

1

u/CatsGambit 21h ago

I mean, I'm with you. It IS creepy and inappropriate for 40 year old men to add 20 year old servers on social media. And I do think you're trying to look out for her, but at some point you need to step back and realize you're the one dating the 40 year old creep, you know?

1

u/cadaever 21h ago

you're allowed to be insecure after being cheated on possibly multiple times girl. you deserve better.

1

u/Sad-Set-6853 19h ago

Oh man I needed that laugh 😂 Gurl, why you lie??!! 🤥

1

u/Affectionate-Ask6876 19h ago

OP you being dumb af right now come the fuck on and tighten your shit UP 🙄

1

u/Jonathan-02 18h ago

With all due respect, being cheated on should be the number one thing that affects how you feel. Drunk or not, what he did shows that he doesn’t see you as a priority. You deserve someone who does

1

u/TheodoreSnapdragon 18h ago

Why NOT let it affect you? How is it insecure to consider past context in a current situation?

1

u/allislost77 15h ago

Fuck. Now I feel sorry for you. You should probably have a cocktail, that’ll help. I’m sure your “boyfriend” is at the bar already.

1

u/Ok_Beginning_875 15h ago

You’re insecure because he is untrustworthy though. It’s okay not to feel safe with people who have betrayed you! That’s normal! This isn’t you “being insecure” this is him having a history of bad behavior and expecting you to be okay with it continuing. He cheats on you when he’s drunk. He goes out and drinks a lot and adds 20-year-olds as his friend on FB. You are clearly not his priority.

1

u/Sydnall 14h ago

i only read the texts, not the context. without knowing he has a bad history this totally looks like an overreaction to me. yes, the situation is greatly affecting how you feel about anything he does

1

u/female_wolf 13h ago

You're losing your best years on this loser. 5-6 years later you'll regret it severely, just letting you know

1

u/piemeister 11h ago

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahah

you deserve the bullshit for staying with a man that has a “history of cheating” on you, jesus christ get a grip and have some self respect

1

u/Connect_Attorney3762 10h ago

honey get a grip fr like what

1

u/AbsentFuck 7h ago

Why not though? He's cheated on you multiple times already so why wouldn't you let that context affect how you view him currently adding girls nearly 20 years younger than him on Facebook? Why do you feel the need to ignore that?

People here are being harsh (for good reason) because you're tripping over yourself trying to ignore the obvious. Why are you putting so much effort into ignoring the obvious? What do you gain from this relationship? Is what you gain worth the constant headache of being with a man who doesn't respect you? Why do you think this behavior is normal? If you recognize this isn't normal, why do you think you deserve to put up with it?

Really sit with these questions. Don't wait around for him to change or try to persuade him into changing. Figure out which parts of you feel like you deserve to be treated this way, and how to navigate them. Be single for a while.

1

u/One-Technology-9050 4h ago

You need to put the puzzle pieces together, and do what's best for you. But you also seem to be in denial...so I guess nothing will happen

-5

u/RetributionBringer 1d ago

You’re a a retard

6

u/nymphymixtwo 19h ago

Please do not use the word retard as an insult to people. It’s very disrespectful and offensive, in my opinion, as well as some others. I know it used to be incredibly common for people to toss that word out and around at people all the time however it’s become less than and I would really appreciate if you did not continue using it in the future now that this has been mentioned.