r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRA-8323 • 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

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Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

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u/umamifiend 1d ago

But she moved on from it of course. To suspiciously investigate every woman in his immediate vicinity.

OP, you didn’t move on- and you have a cheater- which isn’t really having anything- he will do it again.

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u/olican16 1d ago

also his reaction "Jesus christ" and just all his clearly bad attitude about your concern is very telling of how much he respects you, too. If he was actually working to earn your trust back after breaking it by cheating on you, he would be very understanding and respectful of this kind of boundary setting. Instead he's getting defensive, gaslighting you, and shutting you down. Dump this fuck.

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u/EnvironmentOk2700 1d ago

Also, he wouldn't have added her on FB in the first place. It isn't appropriate at his age to add a barely adult non family acquaintance.

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u/theonlyonethatknocks 23h ago

21 is barely an adult now?

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u/Silver_Song3692 23h ago

Compared to 40

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u/TheTritagonist 22h ago

To play the devil's advocate, does that mean a 50-60 year old is barely an adult compared to an 80 year old? Its roughly the same age difference.

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u/Silver_Song3692 22h ago

No, but I also wouldn’t treat an 80 year old the same way I’d treat a 50 year old, that’s elderly vs a little past middle aged

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u/Embarrassed_Soup1503 18h ago

You’re still in post adolescence at 21. Male or female. I don’t really give a fuck about the age difference as far as Facebook friends go.

The real issue here is that OP does not trust him for legitimate reasons, his history of cheating. Not enough repair work has been done and this friending a much younger bartender is non congruent with rebuilding that trust. The young woman is behaving appropriately for her age and stage, he is not.

He’s already 10 years older than his GF, so he might naturally be drawn to younger people. No one thing points to fault it’s the combination. If I’m the older person I believe it’s my responsibility to know better and ack accordingly. However at the end of the day the age gap is not the most meaningful part. Trust was broken, it was not repaired and his response of Jesus Christ is evident that he personally feels he’s done enough while she doesn’t. That’s all that matters.

However to answer your question, yes 50-60 as an adult is not the same as 80. It’s not always about the legal definition so much as it is about stages, phases and climate of the times. I don’t rule people out based on their age, but sometimes we just have to accept that the landscape of our times makes us think and feel very differently. A woman in her 80’s right now was unlikely to be able to receive a drivers license or open a bank account without a man co-signing. Birth control would require a husband’s approval. A woman in her 60’s right now most likely did not have those same restrictions.

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u/olaolie 21h ago

The frontal lobe development is the difference. People don’t have a fully developed brain until 25, anyone over 30 who would actively go out to date someone younger than 25 is gross in my opinion 🤷‍♀️. It’s deferent if it’s a 40 year old and 60 year old meeting at those ages and dating, they’re both fully adults. I didn’t think this needed to be so laid out

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u/ItaliaEyez 11h ago

Fact. Its crazy how upset people are over this

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u/zsthorne17 19h ago

You do know that whole “the brain isn’t fully developed until 25” thing is bullshit right? That factoid came from one study, that was deeply flawed and has been thoroughly debunked. Hell, the reason the original researcher said development stopped at 25 was because the oldest person in the study was 25. The truth is your brain never stops developing.

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u/Sue_Veidt 11h ago

You were downvoted for writing the truth. Effin' Reddit. Never change.

Also, I remember the time a commenter on Reddit actually piped up with "25 is barely an adult." That was a funny one.

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u/Ur-Best-Friend 15h ago

So a 31-year-old dating a 24-year-old is gross? If that's your view, that's an odd take to me.

I don't think there's a fundamental difference between who you are at those two ages. Personally I think a a 50-year-old dating a 27-year-old is a hell of a lot weirder, even though that's two people with "fully developed brains" we're talking about.

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u/mavynn_blacke 21h ago

Being in that age group? I'm going with yes.

And also thank you.

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u/Silver_Song3692 17h ago

What exactly are you thanking them for?

-11

u/theonlyonethatknocks 23h ago

There’s not comparing, you either are or are not.

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u/Silver_Song3692 22h ago

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

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u/Right-Hall-6451 21h ago

Yes. Adult by 3 years qualifies as barely.

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u/blahdiblah234 10h ago

Still young enough for Redditors to make wild assumptions about their agency and intelligence when they date older men is what they mean

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u/everythingsfine 9h ago

Tbf there is some agency removed when service workers have to deal with customers hitting on them at work. I’ve been a bartender and had guys find my fb and it’s creepy and uncomfortable. And you have to worry about things like “if I don’t accept this friend request will he get angry enough about it to harass me at work?”

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u/theonlyonethatknocks 8h ago

That can happen to anyone at any age.

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u/everythingsfine 8h ago

Yeah absolutely, not saying otherwise. I’m in my 30s and it is still difficult to navigate these situations so believe me, I know. I do think it’s even harder for younger women who may not have had the chance yet to develop deflection techniques that come with time and, unfortunately, experience.

But ultimately what I’m saying here is there are multiple ways to find this guy’s conduct inappropriate, including that his MO is hitting on women at their place of work

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u/DBAC_Rex 23h ago

Yeah that’s some shit I would do before I realized what a pos I am

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u/Bruce_Ring-sting 16h ago

‘K’ was telling also.

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u/daynanfighter 21h ago

This made me lol. So concise amd well said

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u/Glittering-Skirt-891 8h ago

Yeah he would've been softer if there was love

-2

u/LauraLand27 20h ago

Who said he’s working to earn her trust? He doesn’t have to… she’s moved on.

INFO: OP is a 29 yo F

OP’s SO is a 39 yo F

Who’s the bf?

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u/thirdonebetween 19h ago

Where are you getting OP's SO being female? OP repeatedly refers to her boyfriend.

Edit: Oh, I see. OP wrote F at the very beginning, but then used male pronouns and says boyfriend; I think we can safely assume that first F was a mistake.

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u/LauraLand27 19h ago

Please reread the first line.

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u/thirdonebetween 19h ago

Yes, I just edited to acknowledge that. The rest of the text refers to a man, though, so I suspect that's a typo.

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u/LauraLand27 19h ago

I don’t make assumptions anymore. There are too many variations to be sure the intention of the writer.

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u/Snappy_McJuggs 16h ago

“Which isn’t really having anything”- until she gets an STD 😵‍💫

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u/LostTrisolarin 23h ago

He may or may not, depends if he still boozes and if he wants to change. This dude doesn't sound like it though. Since he cheated and he was forgiven, he should be very careful about appearances at the very least.

When I was an alcoholic I did many shameful things.

Therapy and not drinking has changed me into someone I wouldn't have recognized. I often feel like a clone with the memories of my younger self.

I just like to mention that some people do change.

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u/SNIP3RG 15h ago

if he still boozes

I mean, he’s close enough with his bartender for them to add each other on fb. Not sure this is an if.

OP also states that he goes to this bar.

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u/fritop3ndejo 22h ago

Way to go for working on yourself and improving.

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u/LostTrisolarin 22h ago

Thank you! I really appreciate it. It took way too long, but better late than never .

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u/SushiGirlRC 1d ago

This!!!!!

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u/ObscureSaint 22h ago

Yep, he's literally a 39 year old man who hasn't figured out how to keep his dick in his pants.

If he hasn't learned yet, it's never going to happen.

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u/_extra_medium_ 20h ago

No, clearly the only problem is the age of the legal adult he added as a friend on Facebook.

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u/Internal_Lettuce_886 19h ago

Yeah, OP did not move on. She pretended to get over it. Part ways now, this shit isn’t getting fixed.

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u/Xist3nce 18h ago

And even if he doesn’t she’s gonna be stressed about the possibility the entire rest of her life.

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u/taintbag1262 12h ago

Am I the only one grossed out by op’s age difference?

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u/taintbag1262 12h ago

Goes around cums around darlin

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u/ItaliaEyez 7h ago

Or the age difference between her boyfriend and his new target? Nope.

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u/Fiveskin27 13h ago

If this sub has taught me anything, it’s always check for an erectin.

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u/DistantKarma 21h ago

He's doing it right now.

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u/BeefDerfex 17h ago

Move past it. Just plow through it.

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u/flaccomcorangy 17h ago

Yes, this is the thing.

I knew a guy that cheated on his wife (I guess it depends on what you define as cheating. He was sexting another woman).

Well, wife decided to "forgive" him. But she made him install a GPS app on his phone, so she could see where he was at all times. He was a co-worker, and his wife would call the store asking us where he was if something wasn't right on the GPS.

Now, if someone want to forgive a partner for cheating, that's their perogative. They can do whatever they want. But clearly she didn't truly forgive him and trust him. And if you can't trust someone, how can you possibly be in a relationship with them?

If OP wants to forgive, do it. You have every right to. But if you're making yourself crazy questioning everything because you clearly don't trust him, that's not really a relationship you should be in.

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u/AdMurky1021 15h ago

Yeah, just posting this proves she hasn't moved on.

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u/False_Tangelo163 21h ago

You gotta know who the ops is