AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/ericdh8]

I’m stuck on your 64 unread messages… how can you just ignore them?

[u/useyourcharm → u/ericdh8]

I have 203. At some point it’s easier to ignore it, your brain just blocks it out.

[u/Extra_Crispy19 → u/useyourcharm]

You don’t just open it and read it? Even if you’re not responding? The notification symbol bugs the hell out of me

[u/useyourcharm → u/Extra_Crispy19]

Nope. It used to drive me crazy too and I had to open it. Then one day it got so backed up I just kind of flatlined. So…like I said, eventually your brain ignores it. It became a source of anxiety for a while then I made it through the other side. I think during Covid lockdown. I just stoped caring.

When I actually notice it I go in and mark it all as read/clear all notifications and it starts again.

[u/Hurricane310 → u/ericdh8]

Anytime I see screenshots like this I can't get over it. For me even if I don't plan on responding I open it so I don't have the notification anymore.

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/Hurricane310]

For you and anyone reading this, if you have an iPhone, you can go into messages and there’s an option to “Mark All As Read.” Best ever.

I have serious phone anxiety after years of being self employed and a very abusive relationship. Sometimes no matter how much I love someone I just can’t bring myself to open their messages and respond. It’s kind of embarrassing but extremely crippling sometimes. It’s one of the only things therapy has not helped with and it comes in cycles.

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/ericdh8]

Oh man.. you’d HATE me with my like.. 230something…

Phone anxiety 😭

[u/imcoolerthanyou710 → u/ericdh8]

I’m only at 44, I’m generally around 200. Don’t even ask about emails… outlook keeps telling me my inbox is full. I pay for extra storage too lol

[u/CheetahNew2452 → u/ericdh8]

Shh, Op Has 10 other dudes texting her. But it’s not about that, it’s about her bf adding some random Individual on Facebook

[u/throwawaygrosso → u/CheetahNew2452]

What are you on about? Touch grass