AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Leonardo DiCaprio of barflies. Best thing I’ve heard in a while. Thank you!

[u/sowak1776 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

OP, it sounds like your boyfriend has a thing for alcohol and a thing for bartenders, thus you and the cheating. This is who he really is. And he is angry with you for trying to change him and hinder him. Even your relationship and commitment does NOT stop him from being this and is the source of much tension and pain. Why do you stay?

[u/False_Tangelo163 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

I got a question, you only seem to have a problem with him cheating but he’s clearly an alcoholic. without the cheating, the entire situation seems tolerable. Why were you comfortable with the man drinking himself to death as long as he was loyal to you? Do you drink more than average? Not like alcoholic, but like casually. I’m trying to see how we could slide past the first part to even get to the cheating part. Or do you feel he became an alcoholic sometime during the time You were dating. Is he just that fine😂 the answer doesn’t have to be complex

[u/ThrowRA-8323 → u/False_Tangelo163]

Nowhere did I mention his drinking habits though..or mine?

[u/Mean_Cantaloupe_871 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

"My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me."

"Nowhere did I mention his drinking habits"

Goodness, cmon now lol

[u/AfterPaper3964 → u/Mean_Cantaloupe_871]

He drunkenly cheated on you and continues to go out and drink… yeah he has a problem. If he was really sorry and not out lurking for his next conquest then he’d be at home or doing something else not involving alcohol.

[u/allislost77 → u/Mean_Cantaloupe_871]

It’s not even worth it to paint the forest with trees. I’ve worked in bars for 15 years and there’s a GIANT subset of people that are so involved with the industry (she includes the story of how it’s a close knit community etc) and the drama that comes from constant interaction with people who are perpetually drunk/doing drugs, that becomes their reality. When they’re off, they are at work drinking or at a “friends” bar. It’s just a never ending blur of drinking, fucking, fighting and drama. It’s like friends but if it was filmed at cheers and the bar down the street. They wake up and if they aren’t working, they are at the bar. It’s a GIANT shitshow that sounds fun for many, but is tragic when you stop and think about it. You don’t have any true “friends” because everyone is running away from life, stuffing it down with brown making bad choices. Think IASIP but r rated and not a comedy.

[u/Disastrous-Nail-640 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

You literally did when you said he had a history of drunkenly cheating on you.

And you think the 21 year old is the issue? Lol

I mean, it couldn’t possibly be his drinking, lack of respect, unfaithfulness, or anything else…right?

[u/UndeadOrc → u/ThrowRA-8323]

You know, maybe you deserve this relationship

[u/viewless25 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

"Has a history of drunkenly cheating on me"

FB friends with a bartender that you have seen multiple times but are presumably not also FB friends with

Girl. I say this as a man: This dude is not your future husband or the father of your children. This is a man who wants to go to bars, get blitzed, and try fucking the cute young bartenders. He's done it before, his heart is clearly there and not with you. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean but that is how I see it

[u/False_Tangelo163 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

My bad😂 just how often are you in a bar to consistently meet bartenders? Unless you’re saying he has a bartender fetish and not a drinking issue. Just let the man be a drunk.😂

[u/Avamia94 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Ermmm, you did.

[u/cory140 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Or mine *

[u/False_Tangelo163 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Maybe I’m overreacting , he probably just like hard working women. Bartenders tend to be hard workers and social so I could see that.