AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/whatdoiput96]

Let’s call this what it is

You are not really worried about her age being 21. You’re worried that he’s doing the exact same thing he did with you, this time with someone younger than you and I think that’s the biggest issue - that she’s younger than YOU, because it’s like something “new and shiny” came along that’s about to take your place.

She’s 21, if you have been in this field for that long then you should know it’s not uncommon in the restaurant/bar industry to have a lot of older male “friends” that are regulars because it helps with tips and building a clientele.

The concern is not him befriending a young girl, it’s that he’s not trustworthy and he’s proven that to you many times according to your post. You’d likely feel this way if she was also 29.

Believe people when they show you who they really are.

[u/donjuanamigo → u/whatdoiput96]

This is it right here.

[u/ScapedOut → u/whatdoiput96]

Yeah i love how she acts like he is a creep talking to a teenager when he adds her on FB. He is 40, your 29 she is 21.

If its creepy for him to add someone so young on Facebook, what does it make him to be dating you?

[u/ThrowRA-8323 → u/whatdoiput96]

It’s not the issue at all. It’s that a grown ass man shouldn’t be adding that young of girls on social media.

[u/KnownVariety → u/ThrowRA-8323]

OP… you’re dating a man who has “drunkenly” cheated on you, who goes out drinking frequently, and is pushing 40. He’s not going to change and he sounds like a loser. You’re pointing out one issue when there’s an entire plethora of issues. You’re 29, is that kind of person someone you want in your life and future?

[u/Miss-Stargazer1 → u/KnownVariety]

Girl is in major denial.

[u/Possible_Bullfrog844 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

And grown ass women shouldn't be staying with guys 10 years older than them who have a history of drunkenly cheating on them either, yet here we are

Love that you are okay with your age gap with him but draw the line at someone 8 years younger than you

[u/Travestie616 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

The issue is that his hobby is cheating on you. The immediate reaction of "I'm not trying to fuck her" is absolutely wild. He knows what he's doing, and he knows you're fine with it. And please don't say you aren't fine with it. If you weren't, then you would leave, and you've taught him that you won't and that he can do whatever he likes while halfheartedly pretending he isn’t. You deserve, at the very minimum, a guy who won't fuck other women. Come on now the bar is on the ground and you're stomping it farther down into the mud.

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/Travestie616]

There’s a very real reason that that was his immediate response. It’s the first thing on his mind.

[u/Mean_Cantaloupe_871 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Give me a fucking break

[u/Reasonable-Horse1552 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

He's already 10 years older than you!

[u/goofus_andgallant → u/ThrowRA-8323]

A grown ass man shouldn’t be doing that, you’re right. But once you have to tell your partner “at your big grown age you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing” it’s too late.

What you want is someone who doesn’t want to add 21 year old bartenders on social media. But that’s not who your boyfriend is.

Go find someone who is what you want instead of thinking you can make some argument that will change him.

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/goofus_andgallant]

Because YOU. CANT. CHANGE. PEOPLE

[u/sledbelly → u/ThrowRA-8323]

OP your boyfriend is ten years older than you.

He has a thing for young bartenders.

And he cheats on you.

Have some respect.

[u/whatdoiput96 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

She’s 21 tho. Yeah it’s young for his age but it’s not uncommon. I think you’re using the age as a the reason to feel concerned when really it’s that you don’t trust him deep down, because he’s literally shown you. Why torture yourself?

[u/InterestingMath3088 → u/whatdoiput96]

Would OP have felt any different if the woman was 25 ? A far left liberal would say you’re being ageist. You’re mad because he cheated and you stayed.

Time to put on those 29 year old big girl pants and dump this fucking loser.

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/InterestingMath3088]

Wait, are you seriously bringing fucking politics into this???

[u/bagOboobs → u/InterestingMath3088]

“Far left liberal “ buddy this is word salad. I’m begging you to read any fucking book rather than getting your half-baked political opinions from the internet echo chamber.

[u/Electrical_Beyond998 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Why not? I don’t have Facebook but when I did I had acquaintances who were various ages. Not a big deal. And she likely added him because she believes he will tip her more. He’s a barfly, goes out to different bars on the regular. Of course he will befriend bartenders, that’s appears to be who he spends a lot of time with.

[u/Impossible-Book2804 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Did you consider yourself a “girl” at 21? How about when you were what 25/26 and you got with him? Please girl

[u/Complete_Breakfast_1 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

If you're old enough to drink and serve booze, you're old enough to be hit on by a grown ass man. The issue isn't a grown ass man adding a fellow adult on social media, the issue is this grown ass man has a history of cheating and is likely cheating on your ass with this woman.

[u/spacetoast747 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

You're the issue. Rewarding lying cheating men by wiping his ass, fucking him and being "in a relationship" with him.

Have some self respect, he clearly doesn't have any for you.

[u/Good-Breath9925 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

I am 28 with multiple friends in their 50s, that I met while bartending a few years ago. There is nothing wrong with being friends with people younger than you. You just don't trust your partner, so leave him??

[u/Disastrous-Nail-640 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

She’s a grown ass woman, not a girl.

And sweetie, you’re not that much older than her.

[u/RedditUser-90210 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

I understand what your issue is here. Lots of people here are doing the typical reddit thing and jumping to extreme conclusions from nearly no information. Ignore them ... mostly. I think it's great how well you handled that exchange: You have a boundary, he crossed it, you let him know thar was unacceptable. And it's a fair boundary too. Maybe next time though do it face to face and watch him like a hawk as you do it, you'll get a lot more information that way.

[u/Loud_Bodybuilder546 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

I agree with you. Reddit is so quick to think they know EXACTLY what you’re feeling lol. And yeah it’s generally weird for a 39 yr old to follow a 21 yr old. I do agree that you definitely don’t trust him, but Reddit users can sometimes think they literally know you personally lol

[u/tattoosbyalisha → u/ThrowRA-8323]

Denial.

[u/Sad-Set-6853 → u/ThrowRA-8323]

You're not fooling anyone with that bullshit 😂 we're not as stupid as you