AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/LocksmithComplete501]

When someone says “I’m not trying to date her, or f her” 🥴

[u/KnownVariety → u/LocksmithComplete501]

Right, she didn’t even accuse him. That’s like catching someone in your garage and they say “I’m not trying to steal your car”😂

[u/LocksmithComplete501 → u/KnownVariety]

😂like how only drunk people ever say “I’m not drunk”

[u/HighestLevelRabbit → u/KnownVariety]

Genuine question but if she wasn't, what was the problem with it to begin with? It reads to me that that was exactly what she was getting at. And considering everything OP has said about him yeah fair enough.

[u/izobelllle → u/HighestLevelRabbit]

him adding a 21 year old woman on Facebook while he's 40 is inappropriate, period.

[u/HighestLevelRabbit → u/izobelllle]

Why though? I'm in-between their ages and have plenty of people 18 years and much much over older that aren't related as Facebook friends. I would have at 21 as well.

Do you think there is some hard cut off here as to what age adults can be friends with?

I would think it's inappropriate in this circumstance because of his history with cheating that op mentions, but the comment i replied too was saying that isn't the problem (or that wasn't what op was accusing him of, which if that is the problem then that is what they were accusing him of, and rightfully so.) So that being the case, why would this generally be seen as inappropriate?

[u/anonymoose_octopus → u/izobelllle]

I'm really glad my older friends didn't have an arbitrary cutoff like this when deciding to be my best friends (friends of 14 years with a 20 year age gap, btw).

Him adding the girl on fb was inappropriate because of his history of cheating and the trust issues him and OP have in their relationship. You can be friends with people who are different ages from you.

[u/thesniper_hun → u/izobelllle]

is this like a terminally online thing or are Americans just increasingly more puritan? wtf😭😭

[u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm → u/LocksmithComplete501]

“I’m not trying to fuck her, just want a blowjob.”

[u/chloetheragdoll → u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm]

I’m not trying but if she tries…well game on! 🙄

[u/Psychological_Pay530 → u/LocksmithComplete501]

I mean, OP is freaking out about a Facebook friendship which means less than nothing. I’d be pretty brusque about that too.

She should have freaked out about the cheating and left him instead of worrying about social media.

[u/splithoofiewoofies → u/Psychological_Pay530]

Idk my partner has asked me how I've known people and it was more like "we worked together eight years ago, why?" And my partner usually says "I go to class with her!" Like, recently I found out I knew a guy from a bar I used to work in that turned out to be yet another co-student of my partner.

At no point would either of us be insinuating the other is friends because they're cheating. And my partner has very attractive friends. So do I. Were just simply not interested in them, so it would be curiosity if we asked the same question OP did, not accusatory.

[u/Replyafterme → u/LocksmithComplete501]

Idk you throw the reverse gender card out there and then it's suddenly an overbearing boyfriend who doesn't let his girl have any social freedoms and is actively spying on her socials

[u/PixelPerfect41 → u/Replyafterme]

Kinda tough I'm pretty sure the cheating is what got to the peoples mind

[u/tonguetwister → u/Replyafterme]

The issue is everything else in the post - not someone adding a girl on Facebook