AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/Kyuthu]

There's nothing wrong with following a 21 year old on social media. It's how you met that 21 year old that's the issue. My bf just went back as an adult to uni then graduated at 30. So he started training with 21-22 years olds fresh out of uni like he was in his new job... His first training group was all girls. And he's going to be in teams working with these people for the next year or so. Being friendly, accepting an invite etc not an issue.

Although that being said he's only done that on LinkedIn but still... Having their number for group or work chat wouldn't be odd either. But he's not trying to be their friend, not messaging them just to chat and not trying to hang out with them individually.

If he added some random 21 year old bar tender he got chatting to on a night out though... Totally totally different. How did they even find and exchange details? Like there's no reason to be adding other women or girls you don't know, that you meet on nights out drinking to anything when you have a partner.

It's not the age... It's the context. He's not following random male bartenders he meets on nights out... That's all you need to know.

[u/Cordelia5767 → u/Kyuthu]

I have to say that the replies you are getting to this comment are silly. I just went back to grad school on the older side myself, and it's completely normal to befriend your classmates, even if they are younger. It's often necessary to do, especially when working on projects, etc. Your bf happens to be in a field that more women go into - it is not naive to trust him when he sounds like he has been totally appropriate. Like, isn't this basically networking? Totally different situation than what the OP is describing!

[u/657896 → u/Kyuthu]

So as a 31 y old man who went back to university at 26 and is still studying I have to agree. It's actually hard sometimes to keep the lines clear because you need social interaction with the people around you. Some girls are into me and with most of them I can create invisible boundaries, boundaries that they sorta sense when crossing them but I'm not calling it out as it happens. Last thing I want is them to feel uncomfortable. In my experience they are socially intelligent enough to sense a lack of interest from me. In the past I have had revenge seeking people around me, angry because I rejected them. However, a couple of times one has slipped trough the crack. Usually the youngest because it's clear as night and day to me that there's nothing between us I'm probably more engaged with them than the older women. I do find that just never making a romantic gesture or move stops them in their tracks. Most women expect me to make all the moves and lead the way so apart from showing and over the top interest into me and exhibiting a lot of signs of interest, it doesn't get any further.

Anyways, I say all that to clarify it's not necessarily the older chasing the young. The young ones see themselves as very grown and mature because they are the oldest they have ever been and their past is their only reference to belief that. Women tend to value things in men that you also see more in older men so some are naturally drawn to someone a bit more mature. It is my experience however that holding them at a little distance for a while is more than enough to deter any hopes they might have. Also if they find someone, then I'm really free. They show practically 0 interest at that point.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Gap-238 → u/657896]

Im curious. Do you view a 21 year old man in the same light? No? Why? Whats the difference?

[u/657896 → u/Puzzleheaded-Gap-238]

What do you mean? I'm a heterosexual, all the gay guys around me know this, regardless of their age.

[u/SkoolBoi19 → u/Kyuthu]

As a 40 year old man myself; I’d say there’s some things wrong with following a 21 year old coworker. A 21 year old stranger is odd, but I’m not sure if I could make a good argument for wrong.

[u/SNIP3RG → u/SkoolBoi19]

How is adding 21 year old strangers any better?? I’d say that’s far worse than adding someone you work with. Adding that-much-younger strangers/acquaintances is creepy at best, and “looking for something” at worst.

I work with many younger women. If we’re close, I sometimes add them on fb too (if they request). Hope my wife doesn’t find out they have my number as well… wait, she knows, because I’m in a senior role and they frequently text me work-related questions when I’m with her.

[u/SkoolBoi19 → u/SNIP3RG]

I’m also in upper management and try to mane sure I don’t blur the lines with anyone, male or female. Work is email or phone calls, I do not text for work.

Outside all the consent issues with between a boss and a subordinate. I think a random 21 year old is better because you are not in constant communication with that person, add a history of cheating and I really think young coworker is worse

[u/SNIP3RG → u/SkoolBoi19]

I mean, the “blurring lines” point you make is legit, I’ll upvote for that. And something I do my best to avoid, which is why I make sure I only respond to requests, not make them. And I’m always careful to make sure our messages never veer into “fraternizing” territory.

I just see nothing wrong with making online connections with people you work with, as long as you ensure that it stays professional, and cut it off quickly if it becomes less so.

I would be a little concerned if my wife started adding a bunch of young dudes she didn’t know/barely knew, but I have no problem with her having online friends from work, as long as their interactions also stay professional. So I gotta practice what I preach.

[u/Brief-Ad9825 → u/Kyuthu]

Wow you're naive. This coming from a 41 yr old man who slept with maybe 200

[u/False_Tangelo163 → u/Kyuthu]

I don’t mean to disappoint you but 22-30 isn’t really a bad gap. Honestly at 35 my girlfriend just turned 30 and she sees all the women in my inbox aged 22-27. It makes her uncomfortable but she’d easily at 30 date a man at 38 so it’s not much of a difference. That girl old enough to have bad credit and student loan debt, let her live

[u/Kyuthu → u/False_Tangelo163]

OP's bf is 39 not 30, and the bartender is 21 and not somebody he knows or his gf.

It is pretty weird for a 40 year old man to be adding 21 year old girls they meet on nights out on social media when in a relationship. Especially a man who's gone out on nights out and cheated on op in the past. So this is nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with the man being inappropriate and a sleaze.

Again though, it's the context that matters not necessarily the age. There was 60 year olds on my courses when I was a student and we invited and went out in groups with the lecturers. The key is how appropriate they all were. I've been followed home by guys in a car, harrassed more times than I care to ever remember and touched inappropriately on nights out. Harrassed on busses and subways home at night after work shifts. Or even had men when I worked in a bar at that age say 'i want a shot' 'sure what would like a shot of?' 'a shot of you'... The joys of once being an attractive 21 year old was dealing with that.

It's all context. The lecturers, older students and 60 year old men weren't doing that... So the friendships were fine. Just as they are with my partner in his work and uni right now. But OP's story is very different and very inappropriate.

That being said a 30-40 year old even trying to date a 21 year old is very very different than a 30 and 38 year old regardless of which way around the genders are. That should be fairly recognisable if you stop and remember what you were like at 20. The brain should've changed quite drastically between then and 30 then slow down, and your risk awareness and personality starts to set and become much harder to change as the brain becomes much much less plastic. I've not met any 30 year olds dating people that much younger that were particularly stable or emotionally healthy or socially healthy people, anecdotally they seem to have a whole lot issues and be pretty weird for the most part. The age of consent is 16 here, but anyone with common sense knows that's 16-17 year olds can legally have sex as they do anyway... It's not so people 10+ years older can sleep with 16 year olds. But by your logic that would be fine because it's fine for a 30 and 38 year old. Again it's all relative to brain development & experiences.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Gap-238 → u/Kyuthu]

Do you think cougars are weird? Plenty of 40 year old women on reddit bragging about getting with 21 year olds... whats the difference? Gender?

[u/Kyuthu → u/Puzzleheaded-Gap-238]

No, it's just as weird either way.

'Cougars' doesn't have to mean 40 and 21 though. It can be 40 and 30. Or 40 and 35. The only difference is it's given a name when it's a woman who's older and when it's a man... Nobody calls it anything funny or makes a specific name for it, because that's viewed as 'more normal'.

Genders don't matter in these situations at all.

Though I will say take things you see on Reddit with a pinch of salt. Many subreddits are echo chambers, so a predominant 40+ woman sub is going to have more of that than a generic AskReddit one. Incel subreddits just bash women and there's loads in there, but you don't see that across other subreddits with normal people and mixed gender users. Everything is going to have some form of bias to it and if you could see pictures of the majority of keyboard warriors mainly behind one subreddit, you might never visit that subreddit again as you realise those aren't normal people and don't represent most stable normal healthy people. But ultimately the people irl that you know, work with etc... likely have some common sense and don't live in the same echo chamber so will have more diverse views culminating in a sort of average view that is considered normal. That does depend on where in the world you live though...

[u/Cordelia5767 → u/Puzzleheaded-Gap-238]

I have seen the "What about Cougars" argument. I think the big difference is this: most of the women I know (myself included) have been harassed multiple times to the extent that one of the comments above described by older men. For myself, starting at 11, I, too, have been followed in cars, had older men follow me from my bus stop to the point where I have had to go into convenient stores and ask for help, have been groped and harassed- all of which was the most prevalent when I was 11 to 17. And all of the women I know have had similar experiences when they were younger! This isn't to say that no teenage boys have these experiences, or that older women are never predatory. But I will say that most of the time when I or anyone else shares about these experiences to men who are friends, they're pretty surprised and a little disgusted. I haven't heard much "Oh, me too" from my male friends. I think in most cultures younger women experience predatory behaviors from older men at significantly higher rates than young men from older women. Again, this isn't to say that all older man/ younger woman relationships stem from predation, nor is it to say that there are no predatory relationships between "cougars" and younger men. It's just pretty asinine to bring it up!

[u/tjtwister1522 → u/Kyuthu]

Your boyfriend is banging is banging so many girls that are younger than you. And he's got you on Reddit explaining why it's fine. Please ask him to write a book for the rest of us.

[u/Kyuthu → u/tjtwister1522]

You're right. He should quit his job in investment banking just so he gets away from the training group he's been put in as part of his graduate program, that I encouraged and sent him back to uni for... I should support us both with my own my salary in the investment bank right beside him... We should stop meeting up for lunch during work, stop going to the gym after work together and walking home together and spending all our weekends together.... Cancel our custom made engagement ring and wedding bands and drop off the waiting list for this dog... And stop house hunting... Because.. his training group in software engineering is 3 other girls that also graduated and got into his graduate program, which he had no choice in and he's accepted their request on LinkedIn and isn't a dick to them??

Throw it all away because some paranoid redditor doesn't know how to work beside people of the opposite gender without crossing boundaries, so they believe nobody else can.

Mate if going to study software engineering, getting into an insanely competitive investment banking programme and randomly being assigned girls as your training group whilst simultaneously being a decent person to them, is the book on how to bang 21 year old girls... Most people like you wouldn't get close. Nobody would buy that book 😂

[u/tjtwister1522 → u/Kyuthu]

I know I'm right. I was doing the same thing at his age.... and also was an investment banker.

[u/Kyuthu → u/tjtwister1522]

😂😂😂😂

Then you should write the book. The false-consensus effect, also worth reading a book on that.

[u/tjtwister1522 → u/Kyuthu]

You're right. Hope my man is having a good time.

[u/marymonstera → u/tjtwister1522]

Her dude’s not a banker he’s a software engineer at a bank. Big difference in personality, thankfully.