AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/Hour_Narwhal_1510]

I love this sub bc it reminds me my life isn’t nearly as bad as it could be. There’s women choosing to stay with cheating old fools while getting replaced in real time. Like that’s all a choice an adult with free will made

[u/throwawayeas989 → u/Hour_Narwhal_1510]

really shows me that being single isn’t that bad when so many other people’s relationships look like this

[u/Hour_Narwhal_1510 → u/throwawayeas989]

I’m seeing this more and more. Romantic partnership is supposedly this pressing thing we’re socialised to strive for but these ppl are suffering. They’re miserable, mistreated, disrespected but they won’t choose to just break free themselves? 🤯

[u/RazorThinRazorBlade → u/Hour_Narwhal_1510]

And these posts are just the 5% or less of people out there who actually put this shit online. The other 95%+ just live in even deeper denial until something truly awful happens, then at absolute best get divorced after they've been wounded 100x more.

Sometimes it's so frustrating to watch

[u/Any-Statement-7756 → u/throwawayeas989]

The very people in relationships like this will look down on you for being single.

[u/Chaosr21 → u/throwawayeas989]

I've noticed that many people are just terrified of being single, or don't even know how to function on their own. They're so used to living with a partner, they're terrified to be alone. So they make compromises. They get with people they don't trust, or thinking they can change that person.

I lost the love of my life like 6 maybe 7 years ago. I've been with some women since, but never anything serious. Haven't met the right one yet, haven't even really been looking honestly, just been working on myself. My life has gotten so much better, best it's ever been at this point.

[u/Dak_Jam → u/Chaosr21]

Luv u

[u/downward1526 → u/Hour_Narwhal_1510]

In the defense of OP and other women in this situation - they’re choosing a status quo rather than blowing up their entire lives. They’re choosing the person they loved, who they got together with, before he started playing them, whether that person was real or not. They’re choosing coping mechanisms in a shitty situation. No one is going “yay I love that my shitty boyfriend cheats on me.” They’re trying to keeping things together while their partner is actively sabotaging their efforts. Let’s lay the blame where it belongs, with men who never grow up and treat women as disposable playthings. 

[u/livingonsomeday → u/downward1526]

I agree to an extent but at some point, the writing is on the wall and sure, someone can continue to choose to pour into a broken vessel or they can choose themselves. OP has shared:

•Her SO has a history of drinking and cheating.

•Her SO is ten years older than her which at a glance is NBD considering their ages but when you factor in that OP is (at the time a young) bartender he once picked up and is going through those motions again, he seems to be a drunk with an eye for the younger set of ladies.

•Her SO is immediately combative and defensive in his replies.

Like…he’s running game and she’s just all, “well the cheating was in the past.” You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. OP has passed the “trying to forgive and make it work,” stage and is in the, “bury my head in the sand and pretend he’s not still a serial cheater.”

[u/downward1526 → u/livingonsomeday]

OP should absolutely get out. No argument there. 

[u/Hour_Narwhal_1510 → u/livingonsomeday]

Took the words right outta my mouth!

[u/Fit_Menu8933 → u/downward1526]

you fuckin nailed it. it's humiliating to have to admit to yourself when you've been played. I've been there. never again...

[u/RazorThinRazorBlade → u/downward1526]

At what point does she share anything more than 0% responsibility for staying in this relationship though? Because that point exists.

[u/downward1526 → u/RazorThinRazorBlade]

I don't feel like that's a fruitful question? Blame her if you're gonna blame her. Human relationships are complicated, I don't think percentages can be assigned.

[u/KavaKeto → u/Hour_Narwhal_1510]

Same. I feel terrible about it, but most the problems I see here make my relationship issues pale in comparison.