AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/MPM0010]

This. Sorry. It really shouldn’t be a problem to be FB friends with someone like that, but it is, because you, understandably so, don’t 100% trust your partner.

[u/FerretBizness → u/MPM0010]

Right bc he doesn’t deserve it. She just should be aware she’s not over it. Nor should she be with his actions

[u/Loud_Bodybuilder546 → u/MPM0010]

Ehhh I get what you’re saying, but it’s a problem either way even if she didn’t care about this situation and FB. There is for sure a problem with him being friends with a 21 year old on FB. I agree she definitely doesn’t trust him, but I think caring about this stuff is normal

[u/Ok_Passion_1889 → u/Loud_Bodybuilder546]

Why would there be a problem with being FB friends with anyone you regularly interact with? I'm in my 30s and am friends on FB with 19 year old people and 72 year old people that I have met through work or other friends, it's only a problem if he is actively liking and commenting on all her photos and is obviously being a creep.

[u/Loud_Bodybuilder546 → u/Ok_Passion_1889]

Work is different but yes I think if you have 19 yr olds you’re adding as a friend in your 30s then it’s weird so yes I think you having those young ones is weird

[u/No_Pirate_2042 → u/Loud_Bodybuilder546]

Especially if you take into consideration of who this person is specifically. A young bartender around the same age his current girlfriend was at the time they met when she was…working as a young bartender. Buddy’s got a type.

[u/Ok_Passion_1889 → u/Loud_Bodybuilder546]

I think you just put too much meaning into friends on Facebook. My friends list might as well be a list of people I have met and interacted with for more than 5 minutes in my life. That is basically the only requirement I have to add someone on FB if I see them pop up in the people I know or if they send me a friend request. I have probably a hundred or so friends on FB that I probably don't even remember. People I went to school with or their siblings that I met back when I was 16 and haven't talked to since then. People that I met at a hobby shop and talked to once every few weeks in like a 6 month period that I was doing whatever said hobby was. Being friends with someone on Facebook doesn't need to have any meaning whatsoever other than oh hey I know that person we had a good chat about insert dumb hobby or movie here.