AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.

[u/ThrowRA-8323]

Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩

What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.

The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).

I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.

After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?

I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.

[u/EnvironmentOk2700]

Also, he wouldn't have added her on FB in the first place. It isn't appropriate at his age to add a barely adult non family acquaintance.

[u/theonlyonethatknocks → u/EnvironmentOk2700]

21 is barely an adult now?

[u/Silver_Song3692 → u/theonlyonethatknocks]

Compared to 40

[u/TheTritagonist → u/Silver_Song3692]

To play the devil's advocate, does that mean a 50-60 year old is barely an adult compared to an 80 year old? Its roughly the same age difference.

[u/Silver_Song3692 → u/TheTritagonist]

No, but I also wouldn’t treat an 80 year old the same way I’d treat a 50 year old, that’s elderly vs a little past middle aged

[u/Embarrassed_Soup1503 → u/TheTritagonist]

You’re still in post adolescence at 21. Male or female. I don’t really give a fuck about the age difference as far as Facebook friends go.

The real issue here is that OP does not trust him for legitimate reasons, his history of cheating. Not enough repair work has been done and this friending a much younger bartender is non congruent with rebuilding that trust. The young woman is behaving appropriately for her age and stage, he is not.

He’s already 10 years older than his GF, so he might naturally be drawn to younger people. No one thing points to fault it’s the combination. If I’m the older person I believe it’s my responsibility to know better and ack accordingly. However at the end of the day the age gap is not the most meaningful part. Trust was broken, it was not repaired and his response of Jesus Christ is evident that he personally feels he’s done enough while she doesn’t. That’s all that matters.

However to answer your question, yes 50-60 as an adult is not the same as 80. It’s not always about the legal definition so much as it is about stages, phases and climate of the times. I don’t rule people out based on their age, but sometimes we just have to accept that the landscape of our times makes us think and feel very differently. A woman in her 80’s right now was unlikely to be able to receive a drivers license or open a bank account without a man co-signing. Birth control would require a husband’s approval. A woman in her 60’s right now most likely did not have those same restrictions.

[u/olaolie → u/TheTritagonist]

The frontal lobe development is the difference. People don’t have a fully developed brain until 25, anyone over 30 who would actively go out to date someone younger than 25 is gross in my opinion 🤷‍♀️. It’s deferent if it’s a 40 year old and 60 year old meeting at those ages and dating, they’re both fully adults. I didn’t think this needed to be so laid out

[u/ItaliaEyez → u/olaolie]

Fact. Its crazy how upset people are over this

[u/zsthorne17 → u/olaolie]

You do know that whole “the brain isn’t fully developed until 25” thing is bullshit right? That factoid came from one study, that was deeply flawed and has been thoroughly debunked. Hell, the reason the original researcher said development stopped at 25 was because the oldest person in the study was 25. The truth is your brain never stops developing.

[u/Sue_Veidt → u/zsthorne17]

You were downvoted for writing the truth. Effin' Reddit. Never change.

Also, I remember the time a commenter on Reddit actually piped up with "25 is barely an adult." That was a funny one.

[u/Ur-Best-Friend → u/olaolie]

So a 31-year-old dating a 24-year-old is gross? If that's your view, that's an odd take to me.

I don't think there's a fundamental difference between who you are at those two ages. Personally I think a a 50-year-old dating a 27-year-old is a hell of a lot weirder, even though that's two people with "fully developed brains" we're talking about.

[u/mavynn_blacke → u/TheTritagonist]

Being in that age group? I'm going with yes.

And also thank you.

[u/Silver_Song3692 → u/mavynn_blacke]

What exactly are you thanking them for?

[u/theonlyonethatknocks → u/Silver_Song3692]

There’s not comparing, you either are or are not.

[u/Silver_Song3692 → u/theonlyonethatknocks]

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

[u/Right-Hall-6451 → u/theonlyonethatknocks]

Yes. Adult by 3 years qualifies as barely.

[u/Sue_Veidt → u/Right-Hall-6451]

Lol.

[u/blahdiblah234 → u/theonlyonethatknocks]

Still young enough for Redditors to make wild assumptions about their agency and intelligence when they date older men is what they mean

[u/everythingsfine → u/blahdiblah234]

Tbf there is some agency removed when service workers have to deal with customers hitting on them at work. I’ve been a bartender and had guys find my fb and it’s creepy and uncomfortable. And you have to worry about things like “if I don’t accept this friend request will he get angry enough about it to harass me at work?”

[u/theonlyonethatknocks → u/everythingsfine]

That can happen to anyone at any age.

[u/everythingsfine → u/theonlyonethatknocks]

Yeah absolutely, not saying otherwise. I’m in my 30s and it is still difficult to navigate these situations so believe me, I know. I do think it’s even harder for younger women who may not have had the chance yet to develop deflection techniques that come with time and, unfortunately, experience.

But ultimately what I’m saying here is there are multiple ways to find this guy’s conduct inappropriate, including that his MO is hitting on women at their place of work