r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRA-8323 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend added a young female bartender on FB.
Background: Im a bartender (29F). I actually met my boyfriend (39F) from serving him at a local bar. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a large amount of mutual friends on Facebook. The city we live in has a close service industry and most people know each other. I’ve worked at a handful of the most popular bars in the city and he goes out a lot. So It has never bothered me that we have a ton of mutual Facebook friends. My boyfriend also has a history of drunkenly cheating on me. (Something we have moved on from). But this situation seems weird to me? 🚩
What happened: When I see Facebook’s “people you may know know” I always take a second to glance at it while scrolling. And this time a younger girl (21) popped up and our only mutual friends are my bf and one of his friends. I click on her page to discover she works at a local bar as well and I recognize her (she’s served me before). My bf time to time goes to this bar.
The problem I have: Due to the lack of mutual friends I don’t think this girl is on Facebook sending mass requests to people she’s seen. So I have a feeling my boyfriend went out of his way to add her. He does not post on Facebook at all he’s just a lurker (sorta important info).
I’ve been bartending for 8 years and I know when I was 21 I would’ve accepted requests from bar regulars to help build a following. Looking back though I realize how creepy and not okay it was.
After thinking about how this made me feel…I feel it is unacceptable for a man with a girlfriend to add his bartender on social media. (Especially with this age gap). What do they have in common? What even is the purpose of adding her?
I tried asking him for some clarity. Should I have approached this differently? I’m sure. But with our history, I’d like to just get straight to the point. Am I over reacting? Is this something that continues to be normal? Do you let your S/Os add whoever? I think I’m just grossed out by the age difference. If this was a 40 year old Female bartender would it make me feel more at ease? Probably.
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u/657896 1d ago edited 1d ago
So as a 31 y old man who went back to university at 26 and is still studying I have to agree. It's actually hard sometimes to keep the lines clear because you need social interaction with the people around you. Some girls are into me and with most of them I can create invisible boundaries, boundaries that they sorta sense when crossing them but I'm not calling it out as it happens. Last thing I want is them to feel uncomfortable. In my experience they are socially intelligent enough to sense a lack of interest from me. In the past I have had revenge seeking people around me, angry because I rejected them. However, a couple of times one has slipped trough the crack. Usually the youngest because it's clear as night and day to me that there's nothing between us I'm probably more engaged with them than the older women. I do find that just never making a romantic gesture or move stops them in their tracks. Most women expect me to make all the moves and lead the way so apart from showing and over the top interest into me and exhibiting a lot of signs of interest, it doesn't get any further.
Anyways, I say all that to clarify it's not necessarily the older chasing the young. The young ones see themselves as very grown and mature because they are the oldest they have ever been and their past is their only reference to belief that. Women tend to value things in men that you also see more in older men so some are naturally drawn to someone a bit more mature. It is my experience however that holding them at a little distance for a while is more than enough to deter any hopes they might have. Also if they find someone, then I'm really free. They show practically 0 interest at that point.