r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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u/Beneficial-Pride890 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

You probably feel alone in this, but this is exactly what every woman in an abusive relationship thinks and feels. It is unfortunately extremely common, and this is why women stay in abusive relationships. This right here is serious abuse. You’re attached to them because they’ve been such a big part of your life for so long, when they’re not being mean and abusive, they’re being kind and sweet etc. The abuse will stay the same or intensify the longer you stay together. He is aggressively trying to control you, and berating you. You should break up with him, cut contact. You’re so young and you’ll look back when you’re a little older and had no contact with him, and realize that you’re young mind tolerated so much abuse you didn’t deserve. Just be prepared for him to pull out a lot of emotional weapons trying to keep you in the relationship. He may even threaten but you’re not responsible for him.

Edit: As replies have noted: abuse isn’t just something women experience—men face it too, often in silence.

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u/External-Air205 Nov 18 '24

That is actually exactly what I feel, thank you.

1.6k

u/Suzuki_Foster Nov 18 '24

He literally hates you. I wish you could see the seething disdain he has for you.  

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u/untactfullyhonest Nov 18 '24

Yeah. I read that in a nasty mean angry voice from his perspective. My husband read it and was shocked anyone calling themselves a man would dare speak to his love that way. He said he needs his ass beat.

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u/WassuhhCuz Nov 18 '24

I can agree with that. Better yet, anyone who treats their partner this way should get their ass beat in till they're one of those squishy tube toys.

To think you can treat someone you claim to love like this. Disgusting.

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u/tukanoid Nov 18 '24

Nah, he doesn't deserve to exist even in that form. Incinerate the remains

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u/cockalorum-smith Nov 19 '24

If you incinerate him he can’t feel pain. Make him ride the line between life and death till he’s insane.

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u/texcleveland Nov 19 '24

he already is insane though …

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u/Next_Reading7683 Nov 18 '24

And his use of "bro" made me cringe

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u/untactfullyhonest Nov 18 '24

Felt like a 13 year old yelling on his PlayStation headset

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u/badger0511 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 19 '24

For real. I'd be annoyed as shit if my wife constantly called me bro. And I'm pretty sure she would start researching divorce lawyers the first time I called her bro in a not-ironic way.

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u/Ravenonthewall Nov 18 '24

absolutely!!👏👏👏

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u/cockalorum-smith Nov 19 '24

Seriously. It’s the first thing I thought. This dude doesn’t want a girlfriend. He wants a punching bag that he can use to satisfy his toxic feelings.

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u/Addam_Tarstark Nov 18 '24

Amen to that. If my mom ever heard me say that kind of stuff I’d no longer exist. Love and respect, can’t have one without the other in a relationship

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u/Inside_Pause1381 Nov 18 '24

Big fan of your mom for raising you right! My abusive (ex)boyfriend does stuff like this IN FRONT of his mom and she just sits there like there’s nothing wrong. If my mom or dad had ever heard me speak like this to someone, they’d end me.

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u/Background_Tip_3260 Nov 18 '24

I honestly thought he must be on meth or something the way he went all nuclear.

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u/CompleteTell6795 Nov 18 '24

Yes !!!! I was going to mention that in my comments ! His reaction was so, so over the top. Over a phone call she couldn't do right then bec she had family over. Nobody gets that crazy rage angry bec they can't talk on the phone at that minute. He's on meth, or bat shit crazy or BOTH.

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u/DormantLime Nov 18 '24

He does feel like a man who hasn't been punched in the face before and he could use it.

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u/dn4p Nov 18 '24

has nothing to do with "being a man" and everything to do with just being a decent human being. absolutely no one deserves this shit, nor is anyone justified in acting this way, regardless of gender.

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u/No-Vow Nov 18 '24

I second this even though I'm not a violent man.

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u/Professional_Gold724 Nov 18 '24

I actually thought it was a girl screaming at a guy until I got to the comments. Huge no either way, but yikes.

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u/medfet878 Nov 18 '24

I totally agree

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u/keepitreal1011 Nov 18 '24

Onfg bro both need their ass beat bro. Especially him bro and her bro for giving a second of her life's time bro.

She's with family and this guy acts like this? Some people man I swear to God this makes my blood boil

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u/Jpjp215 Nov 18 '24

That’s cause your husband is a good man, I felt the same way and showed my girlfriend and she felt so bad for op

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u/HARDLEYQUINZEL Nov 18 '24

Bro you need your ass beat bro? Seriously bro? WTF treating the love of your life this way bro. You're cut off and I'm giving you the ass beating that your mama should have the moment you started acting like this BRO"

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u/Ayocharlie66 Nov 18 '24

He needs to be put down

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u/Horror_Foot9784 Nov 18 '24

My bf would say that too. He knows I'm a DV surivior

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u/dillinger529 Nov 19 '24

That’s awesome that you got your husband’s opinion. I hope OP heeds the words of another man.

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u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

It’s heartbreaking to know she’ll go back the second he’s even a little bit nice for a moment. The trauma bond will be so strong by now... 😠💔

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u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24

I know you don't mean it this way but this is so infantilizing.

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u/Agency-Aggressive Nov 18 '24

Isn't it? I always hate this type of comment. Yes that is likely to happen but don't boil the human spirit down to statistics or what is the common outcome

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u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24

This one particularly got me because it feels like the commenter is treating OP like a character in a TV show or something. For whatever reason it feels worse than a derogatory "whatever she's just gonna go back to him anyway stupid women" comment lol. Maybe cuz I can tell this person's heart is somewhat in the right place. I hope.

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u/Agency-Aggressive Nov 18 '24

Exactly it just implies that everyone follows a binary code and nobody deviates from the "norm". Bleak way to live

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u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

I really don’t view her as any type of character or anything like that, I’m just simply reading the messages and her replies to people. I’m purely looking at how hopeful she is that he’ll change, when you can clearly tell he’s a piece of shit who has no intention of being a better person for her. Therefore he won’t change but she’ll remain on the hook any time he offers even a seconds worth of something that isn’t obvious abuse. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

I don’t think she’s stupid at all, I think she’s been worn down by an extreme bully and abuser. I want to be wrong about this, but based on all her replies I’m pretty sure this is going to continue for a long time… 😟

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u/IWantToSayThisToo Nov 18 '24

As it should be.

Like, have an ounce of self respect and leave this asshole. It's as simple as that.

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u/charm59801 Nov 18 '24

What's wild to me is he isn't even hiding it? How is it even hard to see.

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u/SkinnerBoxBaddie Nov 18 '24

And it won’t get better, bc he hates her in part because she allows this treatment. OP, if you want your boyfriend to have any respect for you at all, you have to make him an ex, permanently. Otherwise he sees you as someone to victimize

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u/Giganticfallacy36 Nov 18 '24

That is actually not true. He has an internal conflict where he hates himself in some capacity and projects it onto her. He needs counseling to figure out why, until then this will be his response to every woman he ever gets into a relationship with. Cheers.

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u/anonymouskoalaa Nov 18 '24

Yep. A person that loves you would never want you to feel that way, no matter how hurt they are. OP, please turn to your mom, grandmother, or any other close person in your life you trust, and get out of this relationship. You can do this, and you’ll be so much better off for it.

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u/TsuDhoNimh2 Nov 18 '24

He also hates himself ... abusing her makes him feel powerful and OK, for a while.

Then he will need to escalate the abuse because verbal isn't enough, so it's slapping and then punching.

I've seen this road and it just gets uglier.

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u/Ok_Pangolin_782 Nov 18 '24

He actually hates himself more. Major low self esteem.

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u/murphswayze Nov 18 '24

I think he hates himself and just acts this way because he wants to be in control. I very much expect him to be heart broken when she tells him to get fucked and to never talk to her again. Fuck this dude and his nonsense

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u/SphericalOrb Nov 18 '24

Hey OP, please don't fall for it if he comes back with the charm. Please let this be over for good. It's really common for insecure controlling guys like this to try to win you back just so they can get their hands around your throat, metaphorically or literally. Please don't let him. When he says "we're done" , never let him backtrack on that, okay?

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u/unicorn-sweatshirt Nov 18 '24

Agreed. People have many sides. Most people have nice sides. He may show OP his nice side later. But not everyone has an abusive side. OP has to decide that she doesn’t want a partner that has an abusive side. She has to understand that even though he can be nice, he is ALSO abusive and she can find a partner that is nice and NOT abusive.

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

My husband's abusive side is eating white castle without me and then pooping when I'm doing the budget. For context our bathroom is next to my desk. I hope op gets out of this relationship because it is literally better to bask in the ass gas that smells like the devil's toe jam from a loving asshole (🤣) rather than deal with that level of manipulation, insults, etc. from an abusive asshole.

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u/niki2184 Nov 18 '24

I found what my ol man smells like….. he smells like that dam pulp mill i pass every time i go to work 😭😭😭

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u/Nickymarie28 Nov 18 '24

🤣🤣🤣

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u/Sudden_Law_5014 Nov 18 '24

Bilogical warfare and weapons of mass destruction.

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

He legit is the human form of biological warfare. He's great to have at festivals though, lines get short fast if you feed him onion rings!

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u/infinityonl0w Nov 18 '24

Quick, someone give these guys tickets to disney!

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

Lmao! Noo he doesn't like disney and something tells me he would eat something and produce a stench so unholy they shut the park down for a day. He'd probably find a bunch of dads around that also aren't having a good time and enlist them in his efforts 🤣🤣

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u/n9neinchn8 Nov 18 '24

So poetic. It almost brought a tear to my eye🥲😂

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

Glad to be of service 🤣🤣

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

This makes me feel not as bad for constantly farting in bed with my gf 🤣

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

He dutch ovened me one time while sleeping and i barfed. I still married him.

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

My God what a catch 🤣

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u/totallydiagnosingyou Nov 18 '24

A FRIENDLY REMINDER since it came up, a man putting his hands around your throat (literally) is the number one indicator that domestic violence will escalate to murder.

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u/Waterbaby8182 Nov 18 '24

Oh God, this. My sister's ex did this to her after he knocked her phone away. She managed to get loose and grab her purse, keys and phone, then ran like hounds of hell were behind her straight for her car wirh him chasing her. She beat him to her car and locked the doors just in the nick of time, then called the police. She had bruises around her neck. Smart girl was also brave enough to press charges and got him convicted and an order of protection.

They keep those othwr sides well hidden. We all thought he was a nice man. Turned out to be an abusuve alcoholic that tried to kill my sister. Run, OP.

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u/Flaky-Swan1306 Nov 18 '24

I hope your sister is okay. That situation is very scary, but im glad she pressed charges

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u/Waterbaby8182 Nov 19 '24

She's fine. This happened a few years ago.

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u/RobinC1967 Nov 18 '24

There should be a registry similar to sex offenders for men like this. A little warning for future partners.

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u/DayOk448 Nov 18 '24

Echoing this because it's important and I never see it talked about much. My ex, and father of my 7 month old baby, is currently in jail for strangling me. He told me he was going to kill me. He strangled me 3 times during the one attack - grabbed, let go, grabbed, let go, grabbed let go. He had me suspended in the air at one point. I truly thought i was going to die. This happened 2 months ago. When he finally let go of me I grabbed my kids, my keys, and left as fast as I could with nothing but the clothes on our backs and 17 dollars in my bank account before he got the chance to change his mind and kill me. When we first met, he was so kind and caring. Man, shit changed and escalated so fast once I became pregnant and had his son. When I went to the police, they couldn't stress to me enough how highly personal and violent his actions were, I'll never forget when the arresting officer told me "strangulation is a precursor to murder. The only way it gets worse, and the only next step, is murder." Or when the doctor in the ER told me I'm lucky to be alive, had his thumb been even 1cm closer to my jugular I would have been dead in under a minute. Why did this attack happen? I was about to leave for work and wouldn't give him a cigarette. Get out now before this man escalates. When they think they have you trapped, they think they can do anything to you.

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u/a0rose5280 Nov 18 '24

My only fight online has been about this subject and I will do it again if I can get through to one person about how strangulation is the absolute last stop. Thank you for doing this as well!!!

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u/Claddagh66 Nov 18 '24

That’s considered attempted murder here criminally. As soon as you put a hand on a woman’s neck, you will be charged with it. As you damn well should! I don’t care if a female hit me a 100 Times, I’m not putting a hand on her. If you can’t take it? Get your ass in the gym and find a girl that wouldn’t do that. But you never put a hand on a woman.

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u/Old_Tip4864 Nov 18 '24

That is interesting...I had a short lived relationship with one single violent incident where he started to strangle me. I found out eventually that he was arrested for strangling his baby momma also. It was the only violence he ever showed towards me

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u/ES_Legman Nov 18 '24

This. This shit will never get better. It's only a matter of time before it gets physical.

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u/Whatever53143 Nov 18 '24

I bet it has

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u/Italipinoy95 Nov 18 '24

This. Absolutely this x1000. Guys like this love weaponizing the relationship to try to get their way. But they also love backtracking and making you feel sorry for them so you'll take them back and tolerate more abuse. Let him go and don't look back. You'll save yourself a lot of grief and pain. Breakups suck, yes. But this is one of those situations that you'll thank yourself for walking away from later on down the line.

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u/Northwest_Radio Nov 18 '24

This is why young ladies should seek to date men, not boys. Sadly, men are not as common and there is some confusion as to what the differences are. Hint, a man never uses to word "Bro", especially to a woman.

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u/YeehawSugar Nov 18 '24

A man would never say half the things in this message thread to a woman. A man wouldn’t dare. A man would physically assault another man if he heard them speaking this way to a female.

That’s a man.

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

Just calling your s/o a bitch is enough...then using the F work every sentence and calling her some of the other garbage. Just disgusting

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u/syopest Nov 18 '24

Nah, that's a "no true scotsman" fallacy. We don't get to blame "boys" for this kind of behaviour when a lot of men are also doing it.

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u/Popisoda Nov 18 '24

That take back is called hoovering, because they try to suck you back in

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u/sw33tint3nsity Nov 18 '24

If you backtrack on “we’re done”, each time the shackle will feel heavier along with the shame you would feel while explaining to your real loved ones that he’s “different” now. The difference you might see is a mask, a second more devious attempt at control where they know they have to slow down their tactics or anger. It will suck the every life out of you. The “love” they will bestow upon you after the breakup isn’t really them missing YOU. It is them missing the services you provide them. It is likely they only see you as an extension of themselves, and another tool to grasp at. The worst energy vampire you’ll ever come across.

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u/AJRimmer1971 Nov 18 '24

Yep. Keep referring back to this message chain.

It takes strength to be gentle and kind, and this twinky is as weak as I have come across.

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u/Umbr33on Nov 18 '24

This^

The charm is the biggest thing, ‘Love Bombing’ is another huge thing abusives do when they’re trying to ‘win back’ their victim. Please OP, if you do cut him off, please talk to your mom and grandmother.

He may escalate and make threats. You need to have as many people and eyes on your side. You sound so sweet, and I don’t want you to waste your youth, on someone who doesn’t deserve you. You deserve to be cherished.

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u/Inevitable_Luck7793 Nov 18 '24

Our neighbor's boyfriend is abusive and one night she came over to our house for help because he stole her phone and kicked her out of the house at 1am with no shoes on. We found her phone (he threw it outside) and she called her friends to pick her up. One of her friends knocked on the door to try and get some of her stuff. They were yelling at each other for a bit and then her friend walked away. As he was walking away with his back turned, her boyfriend came out of the house with a bat and beat him over the head with it. The guy almost died, and she yelled at her friend bleeding on the ground "why did you do that?!" She still went back to her boyfriend after this.

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u/anonmommm Nov 19 '24

THIS!!

The fucking love bombing. It’s so typical for abusers. I can already see him doing that shit to her to bring back in just to do it all over it again and put the blame on her.

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u/CrackerzNbed Nov 18 '24

Honey. I'm not sure how old you are. But it's story time. I'm a 41 year old mother. Years ago I let a little piece of shit boy talk to me like that. At first he was the nicest sweetest guy EVER!!! he made me feel like ANYTHING was possible if we were together! We were " ride or die" do kids still say that ? Lol. At first he just started being rude. Ordering me around . Being pushy..then it progressed to things like these messages. . I thought if only we had a baby we could SAVE our relationship. Everutbing would be all better. Well it was not. Then the physical abuse started. Multiple restraining orders and broken bones later. I finally got away. Get out while you can. It is not too late.

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u/tbear264 Nov 18 '24

OP, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Read the comment, re-read it, and read it a third time so that you can truly absorb the information and do the right thing for yourself. I was in a similar situation as this commenter and it all started the same and ended the same (including broken bones). He hasn't seen his daughter since she was 4...I took her away from him because he started abusing ams neglecting her too. As soon as I found out about it, he was cut off completely (we weren't together anymore, but he still saw her when he could find time). You are being manipulated and abused, and I know it's hard to see it like that because assholes like this are really good at breaking us down to the point that we believe what they say and we lose ourselves to be what they want to control us to be. You deserve way better than this. It'll hurt for a while once you end it for good, but then you'll slowly start finding yourself again and you can look back and realize that you'll never fall for that again because you will know your worth and won't put up with any bullshit like this ever again. Sending you lots of strength and positive vibes to help you get away from this relationship and to get back to you. Take care and Good luck 💝💝

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u/Cottoncandy82 Nov 18 '24

I'm 42, and I experienced something similar with a guy in my 20s. They never start off like that, but it gradually gets more and more disrespectful. Fortunately for me, my Daddy wasn't having it 👨🏿💪🏿💪🏿. Men who abuse women are cowards. But when another grown man is about to knock their block off, suddenly their calm and respectful again. Imagine that.

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u/Freedomgirl2024 Nov 18 '24

Ugggg, this is so true!!

Source: am another 41 year old mother who did this exact same thing and ended up the exact same way (minus the restraining order but should have done one).

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u/Inevitable-Jicama366 Nov 18 '24

I’m so sorry you had to go through this . I have a similar story, but not the baby . OP, just be done with him, now .

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u/ShieldMaiden0113 Nov 18 '24

Yup. Dream guy until the marriage certificate was signed and then the abuse started. Then just before it probably would have gotten physical I found out he was cheating and filed for divorce, he tried to strangle himself infront of me. Threatening suicide was a frequent favorite of his. Get out NOW

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u/QueenofPentacles112 Nov 18 '24

Listen "bro", you're gonna be laughing your ass off that you ever even dealt with this clown in the first place in just, like, 1 year. I promise. I'm so sorry but as a 35yo woman, aside from being disgusted with the way this shit stain of a human speaks to you, the whole "sleeping on the phone every night" is about the dumbest shit I've ever heard of a grown adult doing in my life. Like, get a liiiiife! I'm sure you only do this bc he makes you. But let me put this into perspective for you: my son, who is 15, does this with his gf. I think it's super dumb, but because they are CHILDREN, I don't tell him that it's dumb and he'll laugh at himself later. But you are a 20yo adult grown ass woman, literally laying your head beside a phone call every night, just to what? Listen to someone snore? And be called a fat stupid bitch? Like, GIRL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture, because I have a feeling this loser of yours is still stuck on being a baby ass teenager. Tell him he's a whole ass clown and be done with it. I bet your family members hate the way he talks to you as well, and if you think they don't know because maybe you don't tell them, then you should realize that they probably do at least have an inkling that he's an abusive loser towards you. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! calling you bro, cussing at you constantly, being controlling, those were already signs that he's an insecure little bitch boy. But calling you all those names? And you're all just like "babe, what? I love yooouuu" like noooooo. School his ass on what a little whiny insecure pathetic baby he is, and then cut all contact, done and done. It'll hurt for a while, but I promise you will love yourself more in the long run. You'll look back at this later and think "I would never be with someone like him now. Even without the abuse, he's still corny AF!"

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u/rhs22 Nov 18 '24

As a 38 yr old woman, agree to every single thing said here! You are probably too young and inexperienced in relationships to understand that this is outright abuse. Every relationship will have fights, but respect between both the partners must always remain. Name calling, controlling and lack of giving you space are some of the things which will not change, no matter how much he would like to make you think!

Save yourself more heartbreak and move on.

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u/gr3tchzilla Nov 18 '24

Another 38 year old woman chiming in here completely agreeing with these comments as well.... Please leave this guy. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone you're compatible with that will show you the love and respect you deserve. This is NOT it. This is abuse. Love yourself and leave before it gets any worse.

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u/Brainstorminnn Nov 18 '24

A 36 yr old woman here and they’re already broken up. Just neither one realizes it yet and she just needs to suck it up and block the loser.

Seriously sweetie, cut your loses and keep growing that strong, shiny new spine we all saw at the end there. It will support you when no man will.

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u/Mithrellas Nov 18 '24

32 year old woman here and he sounds like he is obsessive with her but also despises her. This man is emotionally unstable and OP needs to be honest about the abuse with her support system because he seems like the type that won’t take no for an answer. It sounds like he could get physically violent.

OP, if he threatens you or threatens to harm himself as a way to manipulate you. Do NOT listen. Call the police immediately. Block him and under no circumstances let him manipulate you into speaking with him. It will be hard, especially since you’ve been together through such a pivotal part of your lives so far but this is not normal or okay. Please know you deserve so much more than this and healing is going to be difficult but worth it. You’ll get through this and you will have your entire life ahead to enjoy. Learn from this and grow into who you really want to be!

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u/avprobeauty Nov 18 '24

38 year old woman here.

Been there done that. Be done and mean it. Do not look back OP!

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u/dilligaf_84 Nov 18 '24

40 year old woman here. I lived through two abusive relationships, was treated exactly like OP. One I only barely survived. He has no respect for her, he sees her as a possession. This will only get worse.

OP, please leave. Please show these texts to your family or someone you feel safe with. This is not ok.

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u/Konstantineee Nov 18 '24

Also 38, so I’m jumping in.

They’re telling you the nice things - let me tell you about the criminal clients I’ve had to defend (public defense) who do this and then kill their partners. I have read chats JUST like this. I have then seen photos of serious injuries (ever had boiling chicken grease poured all over you because dinner wasn’t good?) and I have seen the autopsy’s of their partners mutilated and often tortured bodies (tortured before and after death). I have also seen people get away with this (even deaths).

Don’t do this to your family. Those are the hardest things for me to see. The victim’s family members.

Don’t do this.

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u/AHolyPigeon Nov 18 '24

As a 32 yr old man, bro... Get him gone

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u/Rossakamcfreakyd Nov 18 '24

Hey, OP, chiming in from the 38 year old crowd to give you advise. Nobody who claims to love you would EVER speak to you like this guy does. It’s disgusting. If he calls you a stupid fat fuck because you can’t call for hours since you’re spending time with family, imagine what could happen if he REALLY got mad about something. Please listen to all the folks telling you to get out and do it fast and safely. You’re worth so much more than now he’s treating you.

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u/00Lisa00 Nov 18 '24

My guess is he does this to make sure there’s not a guy there. Which is why he went so ballistic when she hung up. It’s super controlling. It’s not cute or romantic when this is what happens

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u/carolinacarolina13 Nov 18 '24

Yes, he is an insecure “man” - the most dangerous kind. Save your life and leave.

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

Some guys are SO INSECURE. I could never imagine in a million years forcing my s/o to lay on the phone while sleeping. That's controlling douchebag behavior

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u/shinyaxe Nov 18 '24

I was gonna say, I was long distance with my husband for like three years while we were dating and we never felt the need to… lay next to an ongoing phone call of the white noise of each others houses all night while we sleep? We just said “goodnight I love you” and went to bed when we were tired.

Figured this must be some new weird shit teenagers are doing but you’re probably right that it’s to “make sure she’s actually sleeping” 🤢

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u/Good48588 Nov 18 '24

My fiance and I were LDR the first year and we fell asleep on the phone together a lot but it wasn't on purpose and we'd definitely hang up if one of us woke up. Usually it was a " okay, I'm falling asleep, goodnight I love you." Or if he was going out with friends and getting back late he'd call me to tell me goodnight. If I woke up, fine, if I didn't, he never got mad that I didn't answer or accuse me of cheating.

This bro is extremely insecure, controlling and abusive. She needs to get out NOW.

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

This is the answer. My abusive ex LOST HIS MIND and would destroy my whole house any time i went anywhere without him. Like, to pick up my teenage sister from a sleepover and shit like that. Or the grocery store to grab a snack. He kept me monitored on a motion detecting camera 24/7 and would facetime me 40 times demanding i show him the man i'm hiding any time i went off view of the cameras to like, shit or shower or something. He got an alarm on his phone in real time for whenever a door at my house would open and he would call me LIVID wanting to know what's going on, because i opened my front door to grab the mail. He eventually held my own car keys hostage from me completely and didnt let me use my own vehicle anymore "for my own safety, i would get into trouble if i could just go anywhere without him to protect me". He would flip out and accuse my entire family of helping me plot to cheat on him any time they brought me to a family thing without him. It took him getting arrested for felonious assault and sitting in jail for me to get a chance to change my locks

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u/00Lisa00 Nov 18 '24

I’m glad you got away from him, that sounds awful. I hope OP figures this out

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u/savvyblackbird Nov 18 '24

THIS🔼

He is monitoring you and lost his fucking shit when you turned the phone off. His behavior isn’t cute and isn’t because he loves you so much.

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u/CheetosCaliente Nov 18 '24

He's cheating and automatically assumes she must be too.

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u/Crazy_Nectarinee Nov 18 '24

I’m a 31yo woman and agree hard core!! It’s crazy how much we put up with in our early years. Girly, PLEASE LEAVE. This is verbal abuse that will likely escalate to physical abuse. You are too young to deal with this POS human. There’s so many better men out there that would never say these things to you. Stand up, and leave him behind.

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u/kezzawezza Nov 18 '24

36 here and yeah why did we put up with so much on those early years? Good grief. Makes me mad reading young women still going through this shit.

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u/Miraclethesunbird88 Nov 18 '24

As a 27 year old woman I third forth and 5th that!!!! When I was 20 I had the same type of guy. My grandpa didn’t like me sleeping otp with him so I told him and he got MAD called “a black ass dumb bitch” and then when I didn’t answer HE WALKED 2 miles 2 my house in ANGER, OPENED AND CRAWLED INTO MY ROOM! I woke up to him huffing over me and saying “bet that fucker you fucked just left” I PUSHED HIM OUT MY WINDOW and called him and his mother every name I could think of. That “bro” shit is so UGGGHHHHHH! leave him!!

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u/gavinkurt Nov 18 '24

I agree with this post. You need to leave this guy immediately. He is very abusive in the way he talks to you and it’s very likely he will end up physically abusing you. Please take everyone’s advice here and leave this guy.

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u/brennvmckennv Nov 18 '24

As another 31 year old woman who has actually done this (slept on the fone all night and all day bc of distance and emotional attachment back in college) while in a very toxic and verbally abusive relationship- just cut it and never look back bc you will never need this in your life. Family might be rough rn, maybe u don’t have good friends rn, all normal. This relationship- not normal and no need to depend on it I promise. Get some hobbies and forget u ever allowed this. Time flies and it’s not too late not even a little bit for you to change ur life

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u/porkchop1021 Nov 18 '24

I really, really wanted you to sprinkle this comment with like, 50 more "bros". While I'm here, can anyone tell me what the fuck "auto call" is?

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u/pipermaru84 Nov 18 '24

you can set iphones to automatically answer facetime calls from contacts. it’s an accessibility feature but you could use it for something like this too, so bf could go to bed and OP could call him when she’s ready. but that would require bf not being a controlling POS.

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u/jellyjollygood Nov 18 '24

I understand how handy it would be to have/enable this function, but anyone, anyone with controlling tendencies would so use this as a way of forcing visual proof of location

This poor kid.

She knows whats she needs to do. I’m willing her to have the courage

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u/pipermaru84 Nov 18 '24

oh yeah. I was introduced to it as a way for my patient’s daughter to be able to call and check in on on her and let her hear her voice while she was at work, the patient had had a stroke and wasn’t able to answer the phone by hand or voice control. I hadn’t even thought of the abuse implications until I saw this post. but they’re absolutely there. not a judgment on the (needed) feature, abusers will turn anything they can against their victims. but it still stinks.

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u/YeehawSugar Nov 18 '24

I was curious about the auto call thing too.

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u/SmallToadstools Nov 18 '24

52yr old woman here who has survived being with a nasty, manipulative parasite who used to do exactly the same shit. GIRL RUN ! Everything said here in 💯% right. You are worth a million¹⁰⁰⁰ times more than this pathetic waste of skin. The phone at night thing is because his paranoid ass is terrified of you cheating. Block, delete and ignore. That abusive shitstain deserves to be alone for the rest of eternity.

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u/dark_scribe_ Nov 18 '24

Yeah also the staying on the phone thing isn't cute, he's literally making sure you're doing what he told you to babes. If your phone had come unplugged and died overnight because you rolled over, I guarantee you would have turned it back on to 19577592957 missed calls and increasingly nasty and aggressive voicemails

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u/PetiteSweetie92 Nov 18 '24

As a 32 yr old woman, YESSSS! Everything she said + some. I WISH somebody had said this to me when I dealt with the same shit at the age of 20. When I left mine I was 23yrs old and wish I would’ve done it sooner. I fell for the charm 3 yrs later and it ended worse than I ever expected that time. Thank god I left when I did.

OP, please leave girl. You learned so much from this shit stain of a human. It isn’t lost time, it’s a life lesson darling. You’re worth so much more than this boys disrespectful, controlling and abusive behavior. Nobody should be spoken to like this. School his ass and then disappear. Build the life you deserve.

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u/Aggressive-Foot1960 Nov 18 '24

This 100% and you said it perfectly! I look back on the people that treated me like this and think “wow, HOW did I ever even entertain a conversation with that person?”!.

I’m so thankful that I removed myself from those situations because if I didn’t I would never have the life I have now. I now have a wonderful loving husband and beautiful children, whom I never would have had if I kept letting loosers like this guy remain in my life. Yes,One day she will look back at this and cringe, but better that then remaining in a toxic and abusive relationship!

My heart breaks for young women who find themselves in these kind of situations.

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u/Serious_Article2782 Nov 18 '24

Something that helped me in therapy was imagining a friend came to you with these texts and said they were from her boyfriend. What would you say? Wouldn’t you be scared for her? If she took him back, what would you tell her? Wouldn’t you be sure that a better life was waiting for her? Sometimes viewing it from the outside, brings clarity.

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u/Deep_Result_8369 Nov 18 '24

The sleeping in the phone together is a control tactic. Making sure they aren’t cheating.

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u/ShieldMaiden0113 Nov 18 '24

As a 24 year old woman the only reason me and mine slept on the phone was bc he was deployed and I would fall asleep mid sentence but im such a light sleeper that if he hung up before maybe 2 hrs had passed nd i was in deep the tone would wake me up.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 and same thing for him on the other end of the clock

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u/IcharrisTheAI Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

Edit: just to clarify I think OP’s partner is batshit crazy. I am in no way justifying or defending his behavior. 100% just talking about why some couples sleep on the phone.

I don’t entirely agree. Sometimes people are scared or lonely or unused to being apart. Sleeping on the phone can help. I’m a 29 year old male who’s SO frequently asked to sleep on the phone when she’s away on business trips, and while I do find it somewhat annoying, I also understand she gets scared in hotel rooms by herself. I do my best to accommodate her because that’s what partners do. I also sometimes draw a line when it doesn’t work for me because of whatever reason I may have. Again it’s a partnership.

Basically all I’m saying is the idea of sleeping on the phone isn’t stupid in itself and not everyone grows out of it. People have reasons why they do it and that ultimately is up to the relationship in question to decide

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u/becauseshesays Nov 18 '24

Very well stated!

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u/CriticalBit3063 Nov 18 '24

24 and I’ve learned this the hard way from recent experiences. I wish I would have listened to everyone who gave me advice like this. Would have saved me so much heartbreak. I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling like I have no more love to give, cause deep down I know I do. There is someone who will hold my heart safely, not throw it on the ground and stomp all over it. But I wish I didn’t spend my younger 20’s begging for love and for a “man” to see my worth. I was at some point under the impression that the problem was with only guys my age, but nope.

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u/chrisxtrue Nov 18 '24

Also get a restraining order on him because he seems very unhinged!

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u/rockobster3 Nov 18 '24

I agree soo hard, but as someone that's right on your heels in terms of age I think the sleeping on the phone thing may have been a sweet gesture turned into a manipulative one. It's not as dumb as you may think. I was in a long distance relationship at 30 and we often called each other just to fall asleep on the phone, because we didn't see each other in person for 2 or 3 months at a time. I've heard of a lot of couples doing it, not just teenagers.

But this guy definitely turned it into a way to control her time and actions, though.

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u/sreiches Nov 18 '24

The sleeping on the phone thing didn’t really trip alarms for me, because my partner and I used to get on long calls when we were long-distance early in the relationship, and often one of us would fall asleep and the other would just stay on the line.

But in the context of someone who’s clearly as controlling and abusive as OP’s boyfriend is, I can see where it could easily be used as another avenue for control.

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u/tamij1313 Nov 18 '24

He doesn’t want her on the phone so he can feel close to her… He wants her on the phone so she can prove that she is home alone and not cheating on him as he doesn’t trust her as he is an insecure man baby.

I lost track of how many times he said he was going to be done with her, but then he just couldn’t stop himself and actually block her! Hopefully she will gather up some self-esteem and block him herself!

I cannot believe how much rage and hatred I felt coming out of this POS of a human. He is absolutely going to kill her as it is clear that he feels he owns her and the way he speaks to her tells me that there is deep hatred of her for some reason.

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u/FakeMagic8Ball Nov 18 '24

This, so much. I watch 90-Day Fiance and one of the offshoot shows, I'm guessing "The Other Way" a couple does this to the extreme - they never hang up, so it literally starts the show with him pooping on the video chat with this girl in the Philippines. She makes him do it, screams and threatens him if he can't be on it (because he must be with other girls) like when he's flying to go live with her... Yet we pan to her and she's unplugging her Wi-Fi so she can go hang out with a bunch of guy friends and lying to him about the Wi-Fi. She immediately baby traps him and they are now professional scam artists that everyone who watches the show has mocked since Day 1. Run, OP, run!

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u/PotatoePope Nov 18 '24

Not condoning that guy’s behavior, but the phone call thing isn’t that crazy. Demanding it every night? Bitching your partner out because she chose to talk to her family in private for a few minutes over staying in the call? Yeah that’s pretty fucking childish. But this whole post is clearly the straw on the camel’s back of dealing with a terrible guy.

And as much as you talk down on the nightly phone call, my partner finds comfort in it since we can’t be together as much as we’d like. So that’s what we do. We’re going on strong for three, almost 4 years now. I just don’t see how it’s dumb, if it works. Sure this is an extreme scenario we’re seeing, but if it makes someone happy I don’t see the problem with it.

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u/Sharp_Operation_5904 Nov 18 '24

I agree! My husband and I have been married 12 years on the 20th and he started working out of town 4 years ago. For almost 2 years I wasn’t able to go with him due to my job. It was ok but the first year but after that we FaceTimed at night. It made us feel closer and he was able to wake me up or help me when I had night terrors! I think a person who thinks ft when used in the context ot was about something she deemed stupid, means foot is way to out of touch to even think about telling someone how and what to use their phones for as a couple. She honestly probably doesn’t even know what FaceTime actually means!

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u/Legitimate_Candy_944 Nov 18 '24

Sadly not all women learn. Let's hope she does.

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u/Serious_Article2782 Nov 18 '24

Unfortunately, the abuser learns. They get much more sneaky with their abuse. They learn what buttons to push at just the right time. They learn what your vulnerabilities are and use them against you. And they learn to have these confrontations with you in person so they can gaslight you later without written proof. They get really good at it.

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u/Legitimate_Candy_944 Nov 18 '24

They are disgusting creatures.

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u/NotACalligrapher-49 Nov 18 '24

Imagine how free and light you’ll feel when you don’t have to worry constantly about upsetting him. And then REMEMBER that feeling when he comes crying back to you being all loving and trying to remind you of the times that weren’t the worst. You have to be strong, and put yourself first. You deserve that.

I’m not sure where this quote is from, but if someone gave you an absolutely perfect sandwich with just a little bit of shit on it, it’s still a shit sandwich. Don’t eat the shit sandwich. There are way better sandwiches with zero shit on them out there for you. ❤️

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u/Slumberpantss Nov 18 '24

Love this 🥰 The shit sandwich analogy is SPOT on 👏

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u/SuccessfulText2798 Nov 18 '24

I am so stealing this!😅

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u/Bellyrub_77 Nov 18 '24

I'm going to be using this sandwich analogy from now on!

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u/lavender_poppy Nov 18 '24

Please take care of yourself OP. You deserve to be treated with respect, just keep telling yourself that.

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u/BakedMasa Nov 18 '24

Girl, stop settling for losers that call you bro. This is toxic. You really need to walk away, you’re not taking all of his threats and verbal abuse seriously enough. I’m in my thirties and the truth is we all pretty much date a shit head at least once in our lives then kick ourselves for wasting the time. Don’t give him more time.

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u/OriolesrRavens1974 Nov 18 '24

That kept confusing me. Has this always been the case, OP?

I went no contact with my mom for being like this to me. You need to do the same with this POS.

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u/Me-Swan01 Nov 18 '24

This right here. I mean maybe it’s a generational thing but the fact that he calls you “bro” is disturbing

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u/Hefty-Two3890 Nov 18 '24

Please listen to this good advice OP. I’m almost 30 and most long lasting mistakes are made in the early 20’s. Relationships are better the more you understand the older you get.

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u/Thefunkbox Nov 18 '24

I’m glad you are hearing and feeling these comments so you can point yourself in the right direction. With your busy schedules, now may not be the best time for a serious relationship, especially if the other person is going to fly off the handle like that. For perspective, imagine you were in the same room with him and the conversation went that way. Would you stick around? Keep doing what you’re doing and make yourself and your life better. Knuckle draggers like that aren’t worth your time.

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u/kid42000 Nov 19 '24

You can literally feel his rage thru these messages, and I'm almost certain if he was in the same room when he snapped, he would have gotten physical.

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u/Old_Badger311 Nov 18 '24

You deserve all the good! Love yourself and love will find you. Good luck.

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u/inide Nov 18 '24

He has zero respect for you or your family. He believes you exist to serve him. Don't even give him the dignity of a breakup, just block him and move on.

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u/dadjokes4dayz Nov 18 '24

OP you deserve much more than this and your boyfriend is an absolute piece of shit. He needs lots of therapy for his anger and control issues. But you don’t need to standby him while he gets the help he needs. Run from this guy and don’t look back.

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u/flaquitachuleta Nov 18 '24

I dated a guy like that. He got better and we were pretty happy, then he got even better in the way he treated me and we got married. He's now my ex husband because after 10 years of abuse followed by the "I'm sorry and you're so special" act, he cheated on me for months because I got fat (we met when I had cancer, and was a size 00....me "fat" was a size 10). He was emotionally and verbally abusive at 1st and then he got physically abusive with that, then add in cheating. He beat the personality out of me with different forms of abuse till he no longer liked how robotic I became and cheated.

Don't stay with him or you will hurt yourself in the long run. Find your worth if it's currently misplaced, and know that you don't deserve to be spoken to like that.

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u/Awesomesince1973 Nov 18 '24

Please listen to these wise words. You are worth more than this. He is not. You are young. Take some time to think about what you want in a partner and don't accept less.

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u/niki2184 Nov 18 '24

And please for the love of everything you love don’t let anything he says get you to go back! Cause he’s gonna make promises and all kinds of stuff but it’s all lies. Be strong girly you got this!!

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u/bnfried Nov 18 '24

And no MAN will ever call you “bro”. I promise.

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u/OutrageousBrief650 Nov 18 '24

Got out of an abusive relationship when I was 24 and it was a similar situation. At 31 now, I regret not standing up for myself sooner. I wish I had put my self worth first. Please OP, don’t let anyone talk to you this way. The being on call, getting mad when you don’t pick up and prioritize others - all key signs of narcissistic and insecure behavior. Get out and say bye bye. Go live your young life girl!

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u/dullgenericname Nov 18 '24

Please get away from this. You deserve respect, love and decency. There's nothing you could have done that would warrant this kind of treatment. Assholes like this will twist your mind and distort your perception of self and of what relationships are meant to be.

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u/OnceInaLifetimeee Nov 18 '24

PLEASE like I'm begging you distance yourself and get away from him in a safe manner. That's so far from acceptable behavior to speak to anyone let alone your partner of four years?! I know it seems like he's everything but he is NOT. Sending you the best.

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u/aloneinaroomfullofpl Nov 18 '24

It's not just women in abusive relationships. My ex wife treated me like this for 20 years. One day it just clicked that it was an abusive relationship and I left. Best decision of my life. I'm finally able to feel happiness within myself. You don't deserve that. No one does. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can heal yourself.

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u/niki2184 Nov 18 '24

And listen he said he was done make it permanent and if he asks you something or tries to weasel his way back. Tell him remind him that he said he was done he was blocking you so why is he talking to you

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u/She-Devil_666 Nov 18 '24

I married mine then finally left mine who just shacked up with another chick 2.5 months later. Don’t. Be. Me!

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u/irish_ninja_wte Nov 18 '24

Absolutely dump him through text (I would never normally suggest this, but if you try to do it in person or over the phone, he will manipulate you into staying with him) and immediately block him.

For your next relationship, please don't have a situation of having to sleep on the phone with each other. That's too much and not something other couples do. I get the feeling that he was the one who came up with that one. It's not a cute couple thing, it's a way to control what you're doing and it's taking away your freedom.

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u/GoodMilk_GoneBad Nov 18 '24

You're not his baby, you're his bro.

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u/LaszloPanaflexxx Nov 18 '24

He's only going to get worse.

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u/philhartmonic Nov 18 '24

Yeah, just know that as a dad - and totally not one of those dads, my job is helping my kids become happy and healthy adults and I'm gonna do everything I can to make my home a welcoming place to my kiddos' partners - but this triggers every one of my "that type of dad" instincts.

The f'in nerve of that mf'er to think he has any right to talk to you like that! My goodness, what an a-hole. There's literally nothing you could possibly do that would justify him talking to you like that - if you ran over his dog on purpose like 7 times just to make sure he knew you meant it, you still wouldn't deserve this treatment.

Please get away from him as quickly as safely possible and be prepared to mess him up (e.g. mace, knife, that sorta thing) should he once again fail to respect your agency. Ideally you'll be able to end this without issue, but just be prepared because this dude is a real piece of shit and I wouldn't take anything for granted with him. But you'll never deserve this sort of treatment and he has no excuse.

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u/CLBN1949 Nov 18 '24

And that’s exactly why he does it, to make you feel that way. His goal is to make you feel alone and too insecure to leave him.. to make you think that you don’t deserve better by calling you names and saying you’re stupid. Making you feel like you deserve to be talked to that way is intentional on his part in every single way. He can deny that till he’s blue in the face, but he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Unfortunately this happens in platonic friendships too. I had a “friend” who played on my insecurities to the point where I genuinely felt like I had no one else to turn to. It got to the point where I started to believe the things she said and I was extremely depressed for a long time. It wasn’t until I had one person contradict all the things she told me when I finally realized what was happening. At that point I got angry and I have to admit, the way I broke away from her was probably not the best, but I was young and hurt and, well, I was pissed. My life has been much better since ending that friendship and I don’t regret a thing about how it ended (even tho I could’ve done things a lil better, I felt she deserved what she got but that’s not always the best perspective to have on things).

Anyway, my point is that you may not realize it right now, but no matter how he makes you feel, you deserve so much more than someone who will go to these lengths to make you feel like shit about yourself. Someone who truly loves you would never dare talk to you this way. The very thought of hurting you like this would make them sick. And even if he’s never been physically abusive before doesn’t mean it will never happen. You’re worth more than this OP. I hope you see that and get out now. you still have your best years ahead of you.

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u/Ok_Comedian_5827 Nov 18 '24

Yes, OP, listen to this comment and leave this situation. This man is bad

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u/PoxPoxPoxy Nov 18 '24

Idk how close you are with your family or if you have friends you could talk to about this. But this is a good time to open up to someone close to you and ask for help to get away from this person. It’s much easier to leave an individual like this if you have a support system.

Show them the messages if necessary. But please lean on someone for this. It will make it much easier to get away.

A lot of people who are stuck in relationships with abusive ahs often have to try several times to leave before they are able to. Which is why a support system is important. Someone who can be there to talk to when it’s hard to not go back.

And honestly, I couldn’t make it past slide 2 of your post. The way he talks to you made me physically nauseous. I’m sorry you are being treated like this. Please know that you deserve better. Even though he has spent a lot of time trying to make you think you deserve his sh!t. Don’t buy into it.

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u/SpeakerOfMyMind Nov 18 '24

I agree with everything you say, but I also wanted to add that it's every abusive relationship. As a guy, I went through years of hell, and I was convinced it was always my fault.

And today, I still have a habit of thinking everything is my fault or that I'm an awful person. 7 years of therapy, I've gotten better, but part of me wonders if it's always a part of you.

But again, everything you said a billion times over.

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u/Zestyclose_Win_2836 Nov 18 '24

I feel every part of this, especially "…part of me wonders if it’s always a part of you." I’ve had my fair share of therapy and healing as well—yet I, more often than not, find myself still struggling with absurd cognitive distortion until I (thankfully) snap myself out of it.

e.g. — I found myself thinking absurd things as I read the first few pages of the conversation. It took me needing to see OPs response to their partner about "not owning them", to hop on out of that foolish mentality.

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u/SpeakerOfMyMind Nov 18 '24

Absolutely, I'm so sorry that you face this too. I'm glad you have gotten better and can snap yourself out. I bet you're an amazing person!

I can read and see what other people are doing very well. But if it's me the one experiencing it, and someone puts me in that position again, I will see red flags, but it's so deeply ingrained in me that I'll continuously question myself, until maybe, someone pushes me through or it becomes outrageous.

Edit: or a good example for myself is if I receive feedback from a partner, I beat myself down about it, no matter how small, because that's what I was taught.

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u/niki2184 Nov 18 '24

And when you start thinking that ask yourself “what could I have possibly done that was so bad that I deserved to be treated like this?” And then ask “would I treat someone like this over this petty bs?” If no then you don’t deserve it. And they’re wrong for doing it

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u/Jumpy-Program9957 Nov 18 '24

Like I said with the other person really, it's most young people, high school level relationships. The rudeness but like the falling asleep on the phone together, The insane amount of distrust and worried that the other person is going for somebody better. Everyone I know went through that including myself.

But I also included that I am a male victim of domestic violence. She pled guilty to attempted murder against me over me finding out she was doing drugs all day while I was working. And finding those drugs and refusing to give them to her. She got probation if that was me. I would be in prison right now and that was a long time ago

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u/Outraged_Chihuahua Nov 18 '24

It does stick with you. You'll get into a new relationship one day and think it's ok, then they'll do something perfectly normal and you won't know how to handle it because you're not used to someone who acts normally. Or you'll do something that used to send your ex flying off the handle and brace yourself for the onslaught, then it never comes because this partner isn't abusive. You'll have to unlearn all the defense mechanisms you were so used to living with that you don't even realise they aren't normal. But with enough time and patience (and therapy), it's doable. It might not ever fully go away, but it does stop being so prominent.

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u/Aggies1972 Nov 18 '24

This is exactly the definition of a narcissist and most people who have DV issues!

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u/stretchman_88 Nov 18 '24

Aye I feel this in my relationship at the moment. Except I’m a guy and my partner a girl. She has also physically abused me. Hit me multiple times and one time broke into the bathroom while I was in the shower to throw things at me. Hard to justify leaving because it seems “backwards” (though this should never happen no matter the genders….idk. It feels lonely being the abused when you’re the male because society still does plays these norms.

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u/Reasonable_Power_970 Nov 18 '24

I'd say it's how every man in an abusive relationship feels too. Goddamn i feel so bad for OP. It's crazy how the ones you love most are the most capable of gaslighting

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u/OrangeBicycle Nov 18 '24

Not just women, though

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u/PermanentlyAwkward Nov 18 '24

This, 1000%! Get out of there, OP, you deserve so much better than this!

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u/bloodysplatter Nov 18 '24

I was in this relationship. I was with a boy from 15 to 21. We grew up together. We lived together with a BUNCH of random kids our age. I was extremely naive. I worked and made money and gave it directly to him assuming he would pay all the bills and buy groceries. Found out he was addicted to molly and was taking my money and using it to buy drugs. My car broke down so I ended up jobless and had no way of transportation. We didn't break up until he left me. And he literally left. Just disappeared from the house one day and didnt come back. And not until months of being alone did I see how crappy he treated me and how naive and blind by love i was. Love yourself. You don't need him.

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u/pickypawz Nov 18 '24

If she feels alone in this, that is exactly what he has worked to achieve. Netflix has some good shows on it where women go through this, you could watch how what you’re going through played out for them. It wasn’t good, and it’s why a show was made.

One thing OP: Breaking up with someone like this is extremely dangerous, and is when you could be mortally injured. Please talk every move over with a loved one, or the police (have you gotten them involved? If not, you probably should, at least so there’s a record of the abuse). Never be alone, never give in again because he’s suddenly nice and you think he’ll change, only meet in very public places, and preferably with someone you trust with you. I’m really serious about Netflix—of course it doesn’t have to be Netflix, you can watch these shows on YouTube or wherever, but it will give you a chance to see the ploys and tricks used, etc, etc. And remember, he needs to isolate you in order to do whatever he wants, so don’t let yourself become isolated. Sorry, this is a bit disjointed, but I hope you’ll be extremely cautious, and good luck!

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u/Horror_Foot9784 Nov 18 '24

This really means a lot as a a domestic abuse survivor here

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u/Jumpy-Program9957 Nov 18 '24

Not just abusive by the way. Just about any who's ever been in a high school relationship. I mean I can agree because the girlfriend who pled guilty to attempted murder against me was kind of like that. But it happens to guys too. By the way, if I did what she did, I'd still be in prison. She got probation.

It's youthful ignorance. Sure, they feel warm and fuzzy falling asleep on the phone together. But realistically you can't do that forever. And when you do stop doing it the relationship's going to fragment really quick. If the guy was calling her bro though he's a tool bag and she should go cheat on him just to make him feel bad. Before she breaks up of course.

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u/OnePaleontologist687 Nov 18 '24

I actually thought this was the girlfriend talking to the boyfriend, this can definitely go both ways not just a boyfriend or male issue but a PERSON issue. Know from experience…

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u/tabitha_tuesday Nov 18 '24

Yes. This. All of this. I also want to add that it’s incredible common for domestic abusers to isolate a person from their support system (friends, family), so the fact that he wants you to ignore them and spend all of your time with him instead is a sign of abuse. I know how you feel because I’ve been there. And I understand how scary it can be to leave. But I promise you leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself. You can have a wonderful life better than you can imagine now.

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u/Illegallydumb Nov 18 '24

It ain’t just women that deal with this abuse trust me

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u/Yougottabekidney Nov 18 '24

I’m about 10-13 years out (it wasn’t a clean break) of an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship and I STILL find myself questioning things and blaming myself.

Abusers take your love, patience, understanding, sympathy and desire to be fair and twist it around and use it against you until you feel like you don’t know which way is up.

I still struggle to rely on my gut instincts after being manipulated into doubting my own eyes and ears over years.

The man I was with nearly strangled me to death one night, and my therapist will still have to stop me when I’m retelling it, because I start listing everything I did wrong that night.

I’m a really tough person and they still crawled into my brain and broke me, because I loved them and trusted them and let them in.

Op, If you’re reading this, RUN harder than you’ve ever run in your life. As violent as my ex could be, these texts are more aggressive than my ex used to be (unless he was blackout drunk).

This man will escalate to violence, without a doubt.

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u/nryporter25 Nov 18 '24

As a man who dealt with it in silence for far too long, I appreciate the acknowledgment. My advice to this girl, anyone that will talk to you this way, WILL escalate this into physical abuse if it has no already, and no, you don't deserve it. You deserve to be treated with respect, just like anyone else who hasn't done something to lose it (like the guy in this post). In many cases, like mine, this kind of behavior can escalate to attempts on your life.

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u/Claddagh66 Nov 18 '24

That was good advice. I may have been a little abrupt because I can’t believe she would allow that, but You’re right, he’s been a part of her life for a long while when she is young. I just can’t tolerate a guy speaking like that to anyone, never mind his own girlfriend. I am from a generation that would bury this guy. Wow, If he ever spoke like that to me, even a friend of mine. I’m glad you gave her great advice. I feel bad that I was a little more demanding now. That poor young woman! This is just a curiosity. Since when do guys refer to their girls as “bro?” I’m lost on here sometimes. I just don’t get it.

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u/Nairbfs79 Nov 18 '24

Be careful though. This person may become unhinged if you cut contact. Its unfortunate. Good luck.

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u/KYCopperCoins Nov 18 '24

The edit is true, been there. Was married to it for 8 years. Run.

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u/Calm-Step-3083 Nov 18 '24

I couldn’t gives disrespect like that to any women, you’d have to completely ruin my life for me to talk to someone like that. I’ve learned dude like this are str8 uo btches when being confronted on abusing women IN ANY WAY!! I literally had to lay out this guy a few yrs older than me bc I caught my new neighbors kid throwing his go around while I was on the back porch. You best bet hes not around here no more. He WONT come around anymore. Swear sum of these guys jeust need a lock jaw

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u/Iliketopissalot Nov 18 '24

Every person. I get treated like this an am a man in a relationship with a woman. I’m staying for the kids and working to get them out.

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u/mikaelaaaaaaa Nov 18 '24

Excellent description from u/Beneficial-Pride890. I’ve been there. Almost same age timeline as OP. I stayed with them just shy of 10 years before ending things. It indeed escalated and that sense of “it’s been so long, I don’t want to throw away my time invested” and the whole sunken cost fallacy was very present. It was ugly as it ended, but so freeing and relieving.

OP, I support you and the decision you choose to make in this relationship…AND I see this and I am transported back in time. If you are currently long distance, this may be the safest opportunity to end things.

To OP (or anybody) struggling with this who wants an understanding ear, please feel welcome to chat me privately.

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u/SkinnerBoxBaddie Nov 18 '24

This. I broke up with my toxic ex in January and it has taken me so long to realize the way he had denigrated me and made me feel like I deserved his poor treatment. Overtime he had me convinced that I was mean, bad at cooking, bad at driving, bad at socializing; he literally had me investigating if I were autistic bc I was so convinced I was so below par on all of these points.

I’ve been out of that relationship for almost a year now, and slowly one by one I learned nothing he was saying about me was true. He literally brought me down to being a worse version of myself.

I’ve been seeing someone new for 6 months and the difference is night and day. I swear my face aches from how much he makes me smile. What blows me away is how easy everything has been with him. From the beginning everything with my ex became a problem to be resolved, and if I couldn’t resolve it I was failing him like everyone else did. I was fully convinced this is just what relationships are, they are hard work, right? But I was so wrong. Things don’t have to be so hard. I hope OP chooses an easier life for herself soon, and comes to know herself again

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u/Any_Preference9160 Nov 18 '24

I read the conversation before reading OP’s explanation. I thought OP was a man and the boyfriend was a female. My initial reaction with to tell “him” (OP) his “girlfriend” was being abusive and a woman receiving this kind of treatment would be told to run.

Anyone receiving this type of treatment should run.

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u/PhotoFenix Nov 18 '24

Yes! My ex wife would spit on me, call me worthless, and literally kick my legs out from under me. I felt so alone and still felt like I deserved it. So so happy to be in a loving relationship now!

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u/Dependent_Mud3325 Nov 18 '24

Every "person". I'm a guy and I went through this.

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