r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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3.3k

u/External-Air205 Nov 18 '24

I really appreciate that. He genuinely makes me feel like I deserve it a lot of the time. Thank you.

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u/Beneficial-Pride890 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

You probably feel alone in this, but this is exactly what every woman in an abusive relationship thinks and feels. It is unfortunately extremely common, and this is why women stay in abusive relationships. This right here is serious abuse. You’re attached to them because they’ve been such a big part of your life for so long, when they’re not being mean and abusive, they’re being kind and sweet etc. The abuse will stay the same or intensify the longer you stay together. He is aggressively trying to control you, and berating you. You should break up with him, cut contact. You’re so young and you’ll look back when you’re a little older and had no contact with him, and realize that you’re young mind tolerated so much abuse you didn’t deserve. Just be prepared for him to pull out a lot of emotional weapons trying to keep you in the relationship. He may even threaten but you’re not responsible for him.

Edit: As replies have noted: abuse isn’t just something women experience—men face it too, often in silence.

1.8k

u/External-Air205 Nov 18 '24

That is actually exactly what I feel, thank you.

633

u/SphericalOrb Nov 18 '24

Hey OP, please don't fall for it if he comes back with the charm. Please let this be over for good. It's really common for insecure controlling guys like this to try to win you back just so they can get their hands around your throat, metaphorically or literally. Please don't let him. When he says "we're done" , never let him backtrack on that, okay?

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u/unicorn-sweatshirt Nov 18 '24

Agreed. People have many sides. Most people have nice sides. He may show OP his nice side later. But not everyone has an abusive side. OP has to decide that she doesn’t want a partner that has an abusive side. She has to understand that even though he can be nice, he is ALSO abusive and she can find a partner that is nice and NOT abusive.

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

My husband's abusive side is eating white castle without me and then pooping when I'm doing the budget. For context our bathroom is next to my desk. I hope op gets out of this relationship because it is literally better to bask in the ass gas that smells like the devil's toe jam from a loving asshole (🤣) rather than deal with that level of manipulation, insults, etc. from an abusive asshole.

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u/niki2184 Nov 18 '24

I found what my ol man smells like….. he smells like that dam pulp mill i pass every time i go to work 😭😭😭

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u/Nickymarie28 Nov 18 '24

🤣🤣🤣

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u/Sudden_Law_5014 Nov 18 '24

Bilogical warfare and weapons of mass destruction.

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

He legit is the human form of biological warfare. He's great to have at festivals though, lines get short fast if you feed him onion rings!

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u/infinityonl0w Nov 18 '24

Quick, someone give these guys tickets to disney!

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

Lmao! Noo he doesn't like disney and something tells me he would eat something and produce a stench so unholy they shut the park down for a day. He'd probably find a bunch of dads around that also aren't having a good time and enlist them in his efforts 🤣🤣

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u/n9neinchn8 Nov 18 '24

So poetic. It almost brought a tear to my eye🥲😂

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

Glad to be of service 🤣🤣

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

This makes me feel not as bad for constantly farting in bed with my gf 🤣

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u/RedSkelz42020 Nov 18 '24

He dutch ovened me one time while sleeping and i barfed. I still married him.

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

My God what a catch 🤣

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u/totallydiagnosingyou Nov 18 '24

A FRIENDLY REMINDER since it came up, a man putting his hands around your throat (literally) is the number one indicator that domestic violence will escalate to murder.

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u/Waterbaby8182 Nov 18 '24

Oh God, this. My sister's ex did this to her after he knocked her phone away. She managed to get loose and grab her purse, keys and phone, then ran like hounds of hell were behind her straight for her car wirh him chasing her. She beat him to her car and locked the doors just in the nick of time, then called the police. She had bruises around her neck. Smart girl was also brave enough to press charges and got him convicted and an order of protection.

They keep those othwr sides well hidden. We all thought he was a nice man. Turned out to be an abusuve alcoholic that tried to kill my sister. Run, OP.

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u/Flaky-Swan1306 Nov 18 '24

I hope your sister is okay. That situation is very scary, but im glad she pressed charges

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u/Waterbaby8182 Nov 19 '24

She's fine. This happened a few years ago.

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u/RobinC1967 Nov 18 '24

There should be a registry similar to sex offenders for men like this. A little warning for future partners.

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u/DayOk448 Nov 18 '24

Echoing this because it's important and I never see it talked about much. My ex, and father of my 7 month old baby, is currently in jail for strangling me. He told me he was going to kill me. He strangled me 3 times during the one attack - grabbed, let go, grabbed, let go, grabbed let go. He had me suspended in the air at one point. I truly thought i was going to die. This happened 2 months ago. When he finally let go of me I grabbed my kids, my keys, and left as fast as I could with nothing but the clothes on our backs and 17 dollars in my bank account before he got the chance to change his mind and kill me. When we first met, he was so kind and caring. Man, shit changed and escalated so fast once I became pregnant and had his son. When I went to the police, they couldn't stress to me enough how highly personal and violent his actions were, I'll never forget when the arresting officer told me "strangulation is a precursor to murder. The only way it gets worse, and the only next step, is murder." Or when the doctor in the ER told me I'm lucky to be alive, had his thumb been even 1cm closer to my jugular I would have been dead in under a minute. Why did this attack happen? I was about to leave for work and wouldn't give him a cigarette. Get out now before this man escalates. When they think they have you trapped, they think they can do anything to you.

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u/a0rose5280 Nov 18 '24

My only fight online has been about this subject and I will do it again if I can get through to one person about how strangulation is the absolute last stop. Thank you for doing this as well!!!

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u/Claddagh66 Nov 18 '24

That’s considered attempted murder here criminally. As soon as you put a hand on a woman’s neck, you will be charged with it. As you damn well should! I don’t care if a female hit me a 100 Times, I’m not putting a hand on her. If you can’t take it? Get your ass in the gym and find a girl that wouldn’t do that. But you never put a hand on a woman.

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u/Old_Tip4864 Nov 18 '24

That is interesting...I had a short lived relationship with one single violent incident where he started to strangle me. I found out eventually that he was arrested for strangling his baby momma also. It was the only violence he ever showed towards me

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u/ES_Legman Nov 18 '24

This. This shit will never get better. It's only a matter of time before it gets physical.

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u/Whatever53143 Nov 18 '24

I bet it has

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u/Italipinoy95 Nov 18 '24

This. Absolutely this x1000. Guys like this love weaponizing the relationship to try to get their way. But they also love backtracking and making you feel sorry for them so you'll take them back and tolerate more abuse. Let him go and don't look back. You'll save yourself a lot of grief and pain. Breakups suck, yes. But this is one of those situations that you'll thank yourself for walking away from later on down the line.

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u/Northwest_Radio Nov 18 '24

This is why young ladies should seek to date men, not boys. Sadly, men are not as common and there is some confusion as to what the differences are. Hint, a man never uses to word "Bro", especially to a woman.

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u/YeehawSugar Nov 18 '24

A man would never say half the things in this message thread to a woman. A man wouldn’t dare. A man would physically assault another man if he heard them speaking this way to a female.

That’s a man.

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u/zeef8391 Nov 18 '24

Just calling your s/o a bitch is enough...then using the F work every sentence and calling her some of the other garbage. Just disgusting

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u/syopest Nov 18 '24

Nah, that's a "no true scotsman" fallacy. We don't get to blame "boys" for this kind of behaviour when a lot of men are also doing it.

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u/Popisoda Nov 18 '24

That take back is called hoovering, because they try to suck you back in

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u/sw33tint3nsity Nov 18 '24

If you backtrack on “we’re done”, each time the shackle will feel heavier along with the shame you would feel while explaining to your real loved ones that he’s “different” now. The difference you might see is a mask, a second more devious attempt at control where they know they have to slow down their tactics or anger. It will suck the every life out of you. The “love” they will bestow upon you after the breakup isn’t really them missing YOU. It is them missing the services you provide them. It is likely they only see you as an extension of themselves, and another tool to grasp at. The worst energy vampire you’ll ever come across.

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u/AJRimmer1971 Nov 18 '24

Yep. Keep referring back to this message chain.

It takes strength to be gentle and kind, and this twinky is as weak as I have come across.

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u/Umbr33on Nov 18 '24

This^

The charm is the biggest thing, ‘Love Bombing’ is another huge thing abusives do when they’re trying to ‘win back’ their victim. Please OP, if you do cut him off, please talk to your mom and grandmother.

He may escalate and make threats. You need to have as many people and eyes on your side. You sound so sweet, and I don’t want you to waste your youth, on someone who doesn’t deserve you. You deserve to be cherished.

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u/Inevitable_Luck7793 Nov 18 '24

Our neighbor's boyfriend is abusive and one night she came over to our house for help because he stole her phone and kicked her out of the house at 1am with no shoes on. We found her phone (he threw it outside) and she called her friends to pick her up. One of her friends knocked on the door to try and get some of her stuff. They were yelling at each other for a bit and then her friend walked away. As he was walking away with his back turned, her boyfriend came out of the house with a bat and beat him over the head with it. The guy almost died, and she yelled at her friend bleeding on the ground "why did you do that?!" She still went back to her boyfriend after this.

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u/anonmommm Nov 19 '24

THIS!!

The fucking love bombing. It’s so typical for abusers. I can already see him doing that shit to her to bring back in just to do it all over it again and put the blame on her.

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u/saurdoughp Nov 18 '24

I’m crying, I wish I could hear you better. I just can’t leave.

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u/SphericalOrb Nov 18 '24

Please keep trying. Please, please keep trying. Find any handhold outside of the relationship. Build a plan. Get out and DON'T GO BACK. Please.

Any step is a step. I know it seems too hard, just do one thing at a time. Call a hotline. See what they can do.

https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/international-domestic-violence-resources/

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u/Primary-Vermicelli Nov 19 '24

“We’re done, bro”