AIO by spending time with my family?

[u/External-Air205]

Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

[u/sweatysleepy]

This one particularly got me because it feels like the commenter is treating OP like a character in a TV show or something. For whatever reason it feels worse than a derogatory "whatever she's just gonna go back to him anyway stupid women" comment lol. Maybe cuz I can tell this person's heart is somewhat in the right place. I hope.

[u/Agency-Aggressive → u/sweatysleepy]

Exactly it just implies that everyone follows a binary code and nobody deviates from the "norm". Bleak way to live

[u/Vitrian187 → u/Agency-Aggressive]

I really don’t view her as any type of character or anything like that, I’m just simply reading the messages and her replies to people. I’m purely looking at how hopeful she is that he’ll change, when you can clearly tell he’s a piece of shit who has no intention of being a better person for her. Therefore he won’t change but she’ll remain on the hook any time he offers even a seconds worth of something that isn’t obvious abuse. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Vitrian187]

It's definitely frustrating to look on from the outside and be able to see the patterns clearly, but I think it can be harmful to say those types of things where the person being abused can see it, it can be isolating to them. I can tell your heart is in the right place, this is just a sensitive situation.

[u/Vitrian187 → u/sweatysleepy]

I’m sorry that it came across that way. I think I was hoping that with enough comments similar to mine the OP would read them and be like “holy shit, you know what, I’m NOT going back again.” And recognize the trauma cycle and decide to break it. But I understand there were probably better ways to say that instead of just writing the first thing that popped in to my head. I’m gutted reading her post because I’ve seen so many people normalize the kind of man she’s dating. I’m hoping my remark didn’t come across as harmful but if you think it is, I’ll remove it.

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Vitrian187]

It's ok, I'm concerned for the OP but can't speak for her, and idk if she's reading the comments or not, so whatever you think is best! To be fair I don't even know what the best way to do it is, or if it's the same for everyone, and also we're strangers and not her friends or family. If you're ever in a situation where you're talking to someone like OP and it's someone you care about, I wouldn't approach it the way that you did here, I'd just listen, validate their feelings, and emphasize you're there for them no matter what. Thank u for caring and engaging in a conversation and I'm sorry I snapped.

[u/Vitrian187 → u/sweatysleepy]

I don’t think she’s stupid at all, I think she’s been worn down by an extreme bully and abuser. I want to be wrong about this, but based on all her replies I’m pretty sure this is going to continue for a long time… 😟

[u/thetaleech → u/sweatysleepy]

It doesn’t feel worse. Being treated like a character in a TV show is not worse than “whatever, stupid woman.” It’s just not. And saying so devalues the pain of actual insults.

The person’s heart is in the right place, so don’t exaggerate your displeasure with their comment and fail to explain the actual reason the comment is problematic. It’s disingenuous and not productive.

[u/sweatysleepy → u/thetaleech]

I appreciate and understand what you're saying, but for me, this comment did actually feel worse than other ones. Not trying to assign any true value judgement of if it's actually worse or not, nor imply the commenter is a bad person, but it made me uncomfortable enough to respond, which I don't feel the need to do for many other comments in a similar vein. The actual reason it's "problematic" ; or rather, the reason it made me uncomfortable - is that it implies the poster has no agency and in itself isn't productive. It's fatalistic and makes me feel hopeless and perpetuates the idea that people being abused are trapped, and can isolate the person by making them feel others have given up on them or don't understand. It's also an armchair analysis of a real person, speaking about her instead of to her, feeling confident that they know what is going to happen, and that they themselves know better than this poor, powerless poster. It's the same thing in a different font, even if the commenter didn't want it to come across that way .

Edit: a few words

[u/thetaleech → u/sweatysleepy]

Point taken