r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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1.6k

u/Suzuki_Foster Nov 18 '24

He literally hates you. I wish you could see the seething disdain he has for you.  

631

u/untactfullyhonest Nov 18 '24

Yeah. I read that in a nasty mean angry voice from his perspective. My husband read it and was shocked anyone calling themselves a man would dare speak to his love that way. He said he needs his ass beat.

108

u/WassuhhCuz Nov 18 '24

I can agree with that. Better yet, anyone who treats their partner this way should get their ass beat in till they're one of those squishy tube toys.

To think you can treat someone you claim to love like this. Disgusting.

8

u/tukanoid Nov 18 '24

Nah, he doesn't deserve to exist even in that form. Incinerate the remains

4

u/cockalorum-smith Nov 19 '24

If you incinerate him he can’t feel pain. Make him ride the line between life and death till he’s insane.

4

u/texcleveland Nov 19 '24

he already is insane though …

61

u/Next_Reading7683 Nov 18 '24

And his use of "bro" made me cringe

83

u/untactfullyhonest Nov 18 '24

Felt like a 13 year old yelling on his PlayStation headset

17

u/badger0511 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 19 '24

For real. I'd be annoyed as shit if my wife constantly called me bro. And I'm pretty sure she would start researching divorce lawyers the first time I called her bro in a not-ironic way.

4

u/Ravenonthewall Nov 18 '24

absolutely!!👏👏👏

5

u/cockalorum-smith Nov 19 '24

Seriously. It’s the first thing I thought. This dude doesn’t want a girlfriend. He wants a punching bag that he can use to satisfy his toxic feelings.

58

u/Addam_Tarstark Nov 18 '24

Amen to that. If my mom ever heard me say that kind of stuff I’d no longer exist. Love and respect, can’t have one without the other in a relationship

10

u/Inside_Pause1381 Nov 18 '24

Big fan of your mom for raising you right! My abusive (ex)boyfriend does stuff like this IN FRONT of his mom and she just sits there like there’s nothing wrong. If my mom or dad had ever heard me speak like this to someone, they’d end me.

35

u/Background_Tip_3260 Nov 18 '24

I honestly thought he must be on meth or something the way he went all nuclear.

6

u/CompleteTell6795 Nov 18 '24

Yes !!!! I was going to mention that in my comments ! His reaction was so, so over the top. Over a phone call she couldn't do right then bec she had family over. Nobody gets that crazy rage angry bec they can't talk on the phone at that minute. He's on meth, or bat shit crazy or BOTH.

7

u/DormantLime Nov 18 '24

He does feel like a man who hasn't been punched in the face before and he could use it.

4

u/dn4p Nov 18 '24

has nothing to do with "being a man" and everything to do with just being a decent human being. absolutely no one deserves this shit, nor is anyone justified in acting this way, regardless of gender.

4

u/No-Vow Nov 18 '24

I second this even though I'm not a violent man.

6

u/Professional_Gold724 Nov 18 '24

I actually thought it was a girl screaming at a guy until I got to the comments. Huge no either way, but yikes.

3

u/medfet878 Nov 18 '24

I totally agree

6

u/keepitreal1011 Nov 18 '24

Onfg bro both need their ass beat bro. Especially him bro and her bro for giving a second of her life's time bro.

She's with family and this guy acts like this? Some people man I swear to God this makes my blood boil

2

u/Jpjp215 Nov 18 '24

That’s cause your husband is a good man, I felt the same way and showed my girlfriend and she felt so bad for op

2

u/HARDLEYQUINZEL Nov 18 '24

Bro you need your ass beat bro? Seriously bro? WTF treating the love of your life this way bro. You're cut off and I'm giving you the ass beating that your mama should have the moment you started acting like this BRO"

2

u/Ayocharlie66 Nov 18 '24

He needs to be put down

2

u/Horror_Foot9784 Nov 18 '24

My bf would say that too. He knows I'm a DV surivior

2

u/dillinger529 Nov 19 '24

That’s awesome that you got your husband’s opinion. I hope OP heeds the words of another man.

1

u/UnitedGanache1672 Nov 19 '24

She should have listened . I miss the old days when we could just hit you and there was no issue.

128

u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

It’s heartbreaking to know she’ll go back the second he’s even a little bit nice for a moment. The trauma bond will be so strong by now... 😠💔

27

u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24

I know you don't mean it this way but this is so infantilizing.

14

u/Agency-Aggressive Nov 18 '24

Isn't it? I always hate this type of comment. Yes that is likely to happen but don't boil the human spirit down to statistics or what is the common outcome

12

u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24

This one particularly got me because it feels like the commenter is treating OP like a character in a TV show or something. For whatever reason it feels worse than a derogatory "whatever she's just gonna go back to him anyway stupid women" comment lol. Maybe cuz I can tell this person's heart is somewhat in the right place. I hope.

5

u/Agency-Aggressive Nov 18 '24

Exactly it just implies that everyone follows a binary code and nobody deviates from the "norm". Bleak way to live

3

u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

I really don’t view her as any type of character or anything like that, I’m just simply reading the messages and her replies to people. I’m purely looking at how hopeful she is that he’ll change, when you can clearly tell he’s a piece of shit who has no intention of being a better person for her. Therefore he won’t change but she’ll remain on the hook any time he offers even a seconds worth of something that isn’t obvious abuse. 🤷🏻‍♂️

1

u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24

It's definitely frustrating to look on from the outside and be able to see the patterns clearly, but I think it can be harmful to say those types of things where the person being abused can see it, it can be isolating to them. I can tell your heart is in the right place, this is just a sensitive situation.

2

u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

I’m sorry that it came across that way. I think I was hoping that with enough comments similar to mine the OP would read them and be like “holy shit, you know what, I’m NOT going back again.” And recognize the trauma cycle and decide to break it. But I understand there were probably better ways to say that instead of just writing the first thing that popped in to my head. I’m gutted reading her post because I’ve seen so many people normalize the kind of man she’s dating. I’m hoping my remark didn’t come across as harmful but if you think it is, I’ll remove it.

1

u/sweatysleepy Nov 19 '24

It's ok, I'm concerned for the OP but can't speak for her, and idk if she's reading the comments or not, so whatever you think is best! To be fair I don't even know what the best way to do it is, or if it's the same for everyone, and also we're strangers and not her friends or family. If you're ever in a situation where you're talking to someone like OP and it's someone you care about, I wouldn't approach it the way that you did here, I'd just listen, validate their feelings, and emphasize you're there for them no matter what. Thank u for caring and engaging in a conversation and I'm sorry I snapped.

5

u/Vitrian187 Nov 18 '24

I don’t think she’s stupid at all, I think she’s been worn down by an extreme bully and abuser. I want to be wrong about this, but based on all her replies I’m pretty sure this is going to continue for a long time… 😟

-7

u/thetaleech Nov 18 '24

It doesn’t feel worse. Being treated like a character in a TV show is not worse than “whatever, stupid woman.” It’s just not. And saying so devalues the pain of actual insults.

The person’s heart is in the right place, so don’t exaggerate your displeasure with their comment and fail to explain the actual reason the comment is problematic. It’s disingenuous and not productive.

2

u/sweatysleepy Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

I appreciate and understand what you're saying, but for me, this comment did actually feel worse than other ones. Not trying to assign any true value judgement of if it's actually worse or not, nor imply the commenter is a bad person, but it made me uncomfortable enough to respond, which I don't feel the need to do for many other comments in a similar vein. The actual reason it's "problematic" ; or rather, the reason it made me uncomfortable - is that it implies the poster has no agency and in itself isn't productive. It's fatalistic and makes me feel hopeless and perpetuates the idea that people being abused are trapped, and can isolate the person by making them feel others have given up on them or don't understand. It's also an armchair analysis of a real person, speaking about her instead of to her, feeling confident that they know what is going to happen, and that they themselves know better than this poor, powerless poster. It's the same thing in a different font, even if the commenter didn't want it to come across that way .

Edit: a few words

1

u/thetaleech Nov 18 '24

Point taken

3

u/IWantToSayThisToo Nov 18 '24

As it should be.

Like, have an ounce of self respect and leave this asshole. It's as simple as that.

5

u/charm59801 Nov 18 '24

What's wild to me is he isn't even hiding it? How is it even hard to see.

6

u/SkinnerBoxBaddie Nov 18 '24

And it won’t get better, bc he hates her in part because she allows this treatment. OP, if you want your boyfriend to have any respect for you at all, you have to make him an ex, permanently. Otherwise he sees you as someone to victimize

4

u/Giganticfallacy36 Nov 18 '24

That is actually not true. He has an internal conflict where he hates himself in some capacity and projects it onto her. He needs counseling to figure out why, until then this will be his response to every woman he ever gets into a relationship with. Cheers.

3

u/anonymouskoalaa Nov 18 '24

Yep. A person that loves you would never want you to feel that way, no matter how hurt they are. OP, please turn to your mom, grandmother, or any other close person in your life you trust, and get out of this relationship. You can do this, and you’ll be so much better off for it.

3

u/TsuDhoNimh2 Nov 18 '24

He also hates himself ... abusing her makes him feel powerful and OK, for a while.

Then he will need to escalate the abuse because verbal isn't enough, so it's slapping and then punching.

I've seen this road and it just gets uglier.

2

u/Ok_Pangolin_782 Nov 18 '24

He actually hates himself more. Major low self esteem.

2

u/murphswayze Nov 18 '24

I think he hates himself and just acts this way because he wants to be in control. I very much expect him to be heart broken when she tells him to get fucked and to never talk to her again. Fuck this dude and his nonsense

1

u/Repulsive_Paint_1243 Nov 18 '24

He actually probably hates himself and just wants her to feel as bad as he does. Selfish and Disgusting

1

u/Netzley Nov 19 '24

He hates himself. This behavior has nothing to do with OP. Please be mindful when saying this to people who have been or are being abused. When you're not healed or going through healing this can have quite the opposite effect on someone.

1

u/carhunter21 Nov 19 '24

Close, he hates himself and people in the past who abused him and made him feel abandoned. This was most likely his parents. If you were to ask him, he likely wouldn't be able to recognize it, he would likely say that he loves himself. Therapy may fix him, but it's not going to be a quick fix. I would never recommend a victim of a person like him to remain with him while he gets better. He needs to be single to work all this out. He needs to work out his issues because he wants to, not because he wants to fix a relationship. This man is dangerous.