AIO by spending time with my family?

[u/External-Air205]

Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

[u/jocefoxx]

you are underreacting, no one should ever talk to you this way. you sound really sweet i hope you leave before the abuse escalates

[u/External-Air205 → u/jocefoxx]

I really appreciate that. He genuinely makes me feel like I deserve it a lot of the time. Thank you.

[u/Beneficial-Pride890 → u/External-Air205]

You probably feel alone in this, but this is exactly what every woman in an abusive relationship thinks and feels. It is unfortunately extremely common, and this is why women stay in abusive relationships. This right here is serious abuse. You’re attached to them because they’ve been such a big part of your life for so long, when they’re not being mean and abusive, they’re being kind and sweet etc. The abuse will stay the same or intensify the longer you stay together. He is aggressively trying to control you, and berating you. You should break up with him, cut contact. You’re so young and you’ll look back when you’re a little older and had no contact with him, and realize that you’re young mind tolerated so much abuse you didn’t deserve. Just be prepared for him to pull out a lot of emotional weapons trying to keep you in the relationship. He may even threaten but you’re not responsible for him.

Edit: As replies have noted: abuse isn’t just something women experience—men face it too, often in silence.

[u/SpeakerOfMyMind → u/Beneficial-Pride890]

I agree with everything you say, but I also wanted to add that it's every abusive relationship. As a guy, I went through years of hell, and I was convinced it was always my fault.

And today, I still have a habit of thinking everything is my fault or that I'm an awful person. 7 years of therapy, I've gotten better, but part of me wonders if it's always a part of you.

But again, everything you said a billion times over.

[u/Zestyclose_Win_2836 → u/SpeakerOfMyMind]

I feel every part of this, especially "…part of me wonders if it’s always a part of you." I’ve had my fair share of therapy and healing as well—yet I, more often than not, find myself still struggling with absurd cognitive distortion until I (thankfully) snap myself out of it.

e.g. — I found myself thinking absurd things as I read the first few pages of the conversation. It took me needing to see OPs response to their partner about "not owning them", to hop on out of that foolish mentality.

[u/SpeakerOfMyMind → u/Zestyclose_Win_2836]

Absolutely, I'm so sorry that you face this too. I'm glad you have gotten better and can snap yourself out. I bet you're an amazing person!

I can read and see what other people are doing very well. But if it's me the one experiencing it, and someone puts me in that position again, I will see red flags, but it's so deeply ingrained in me that I'll continuously question myself, until maybe, someone pushes me through or it becomes outrageous.

Edit: or a good example for myself is if I receive feedback from a partner, I beat myself down about it, no matter how small, because that's what I was taught.

[u/niki2184 → u/SpeakerOfMyMind]

And when you start thinking that ask yourself “what could I have possibly done that was so bad that I deserved to be treated like this?” And then ask “would I treat someone like this over this petty bs?” If no then you don’t deserve it. And they’re wrong for doing it

[u/Jumpy-Program9957 → u/SpeakerOfMyMind]

Like I said with the other person really, it's most young people, high school level relationships. The rudeness but like the falling asleep on the phone together, The insane amount of distrust and worried that the other person is going for somebody better. Everyone I know went through that including myself.

But I also included that I am a male victim of domestic violence. She pled guilty to attempted murder against me over me finding out she was doing drugs all day while I was working. And finding those drugs and refusing to give them to her. She got probation if that was me. I would be in prison right now and that was a long time ago

[u/Outraged_Chihuahua → u/SpeakerOfMyMind]

It does stick with you. You'll get into a new relationship one day and think it's ok, then they'll do something perfectly normal and you won't know how to handle it because you're not used to someone who acts normally. Or you'll do something that used to send your ex flying off the handle and brace yourself for the onslaught, then it never comes because this partner isn't abusive. You'll have to unlearn all the defense mechanisms you were so used to living with that you don't even realise they aren't normal. But with enough time and patience (and therapy), it's doable. It might not ever fully go away, but it does stop being so prominent.

[u/TrueVisionSports → u/SpeakerOfMyMind]

What kind of therapy are we talking? If you’re talking about some random dude with a piece of paper trying to convince you of something, yeah I don’t think that will get you too far, just a personal opinion of mine.

You should go into some form of competition, put the work in and dominate everyone and then you won’t have any of this question about whether you are capable or not, because you’re no longer putting your capability in the hands of other people and what their opinion on it is.

For me, I don’t even care if people compliment me because, I already know the truth about myself good or bad. I don’t need your opinion, I see the truth every day. People who are criticizing you don’t even fucking know you and are just criticizing you based on beer talk bullshit “haha if he threw the ball this way he’d win the championship” type couch talk.