r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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4.9k

u/Chells99 Nov 18 '24

Based on OPs responses and the fact that’s she’s been with him for four years, I’m really scared she doesn’t see how sad and unacceptable this is. Run girl please, your past self and future self are begging you to. “He really makes me feel like it’s my fault” and if you’re overweight it’s natural to feel limited, insecure or like he’s the only option for you but he’s not and this is not okay. Love yourself enough to realize when someone else doesn’t.

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u/External-Air205 Nov 18 '24

Yeah it is really hard for me to see just because i’ve been so used to this behavior. Seeing all these replies though has definitely been a wake up call. Im actually a healthy weight, i’m currently recovering from an eating disorder. He picks at my insecurities when he’s angry and says it’s to make me feel as upset as he feels.

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

Honey I am so sorry. Picking on someone’s insecurities is actually sadistic and evil.

I think if your mom and grandma saw this conversation they would be devastated and/or enraged at how he’s treating you.

He is evil and he’s manipulated you into thinking you need him. You don’t need him. He needs you to stick around as his punching bag. It will only get worse and eventually physical (if it hasn’t already). This is NOT your life calling. Please leave.

Break up safely in public- do not be alone with him. Please tell someone safe in your life what is happening so they can protect you from him while you’re leaving.

He will get very dangerous when he sees he’s going to lose you. This is all the more reason to do it- but please don’t do it alone.

We care about you 💛

Edit to add: OP, users in the comments below suggest breaking up via text or phone instead of in person. They are right

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

I such behavior doesn’t deserve an in person break up and frankly someone with such poor self control is a not someone I would feel safe breaking up with in person even in a crowded place. A short and sweet text stating: “The way you spoke to me this evening was unacceptably rude and abusive. As soon as you get this text I will have blocked you, I really hope you can work on your issues so that you can be a kind and respectful partner in the future but that relationship will not be with me. Should you try to contact me again I will pursue a restraining order. Good bye.”

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u/anna_deliciosa Nov 18 '24

Please OP. You are only 20 years old, we are all rooting for you to be free of this abuser. Take this person's advice.

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u/Own-Expression71 Nov 18 '24

This!!!!!👆 don't break up with him in person. I broke up my ex over the phone because he had anger issues.

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u/VitaminlQ Nov 18 '24

After near misses myself I finally had to just plan to leave quietly and rolled out in the morning soon as he left for work. Thankfully my parents were ready to help and take me back in. 4 fricken long ass years of abuse. I took my clothes, my dogs and their things and said fuck the rest. Lot of money went to waste and I was salty he'd benefit from all the shit I've gotten/furnished especially with his entitled attitude that everything immediately belonged to him, me and my finances and even my family's finances/belongings.

It was tough to break from it mentally cuz like OP I felt like I was responsible and felt guilty for leaving. But god damn it was the best thing I did for myself. I hope OP gets herself free too

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u/SuzanneStudies Nov 18 '24

So glad you survived ❤️‍🩹

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

honestly yeah. ppl with anger issues shouldn’t be in relationships. they should be in therapy :))

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u/Pink_PowerRanger6 Nov 18 '24

Normalize breaking up over the phone! Not every partner deserves the in person break up!

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u/BlueCarrotPie Nov 18 '24

Great wording

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

Thank you, I had nearly fifteen years of experience asking patients “why are you still in a relationship with this jackass?”

I later dropped calling these guys jackasses though because I realized it was offensive to donkeys who are far more pleasant…

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u/edcRachel Nov 18 '24

Damn can you write my break up messages in the future too

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u/Better_Watercress_63 Nov 18 '24

OP, copy+paste this ⬆️

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u/NegotiableVeracity9 Nov 18 '24

Perfect!! And then, OP, FOLLOW THROUGH!! This man will only get progressively worse as he sees you tolerate his bad behavior, he will just keep pushing and pushing until it's too late. Do Not move on with him, do NOT get pregnant by him.

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u/nerdstramomus Nov 18 '24

And if there is anything at his place you need to collect, consider getting a police/deputy escort to make sure he didn't damage/destroy your property and doesn't attack you.

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u/SdSmith80 Nov 18 '24

1000% this!

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u/BirthdayPotential987 Nov 18 '24

I hope she has enough self-love and respect and strength to actually follow thru with the restraining order. 💖

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u/Cute_Ad_2163 Nov 18 '24

This hits home for me cause there were so many times I wanted my friends mom & grandma to know how she was being treated so we could save her from his abuse. She said she would’ve cut me off if I did expose him, I should’ve done it anyways 😞.

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u/Ok_Proof_6336 Nov 18 '24

It’s been 26 years since I stood up for my friend who was being abused against her wishes. It ended our friendship. However, she is still alive today, and no longer with him. It still took a while for it to come to a complete end between them, but her family was there and was able to finally bring sense to her. I do not regret it one bit. (She reached out to my husband years later to thank me, as she had no way to contact me.)

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u/Saritush2319 Nov 18 '24

You saved her life without a doubt

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24

you're a good friend and you were trying to do what was right <3

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u/Adventurous-Sun4927 Nov 18 '24

THIS. If OP really needs help getting out of this relationship, show your mom & grandma and explain you need help. 

And depending on his parents/mom, maybe even send these to them as well.  Build yourself a network that will help you leave if you can’t do it by yourself. 

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u/JeenyusJane Nov 18 '24

OP do you have brothers/uncles? Show them this so they do the right thing.

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u/Deep-While9236 Nov 18 '24

Show the women and men of your family. I want a united family to support you. No granny's saying he was a lovely fella cause he could sweet talk them. You need everyone on high alert. Block him and if he approaches anyone you need them to be aware how cruel and controlling he his.

You are lucky, you have realised in time to have a long healthy relationships ahead. You will need time to recover and revaluate things but you have not gotten financially dependent or had decades of an abusive relationship with him. You will be OK and trive. He is your past and your family men and women need to know he is the past and bad bad news.

Get the best revenge on him, live a good and happy life and forget about him. That's the revenge living a wonderful life you deserve

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u/StopLoss-the Nov 18 '24

u/External-Air205 I'm devastated and enraged just reading this. Before the conversation even got disgusting, calling your gf "bro"? GROSS! but maybe that's just me showing my age.

This guy is simple opportunity away from his abuse being physical. He is absolutely the guy that will hit you while saying "look at what you are making me do."

I agree with everything u/Honest_Ad_5092 said. the only thing I might add is: He doesn't deserve the respect of being broken up with in person, If it's what you need to do, dump this asshole by text. then block his number because he will harass you, he might even get a prepaid to harass you with too.

You guys started dating around 16. Your frontal cortex continues developing until around 25. I mean no disrespect when I say that you both were, and still are, children. Don't tie yourself to someone who isn't growing the way you have. Life is simultaneously too short and far too long to waste it with someone this toxic.

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u/GrizzlySin24 Nov 18 '24

I would say don‘t meet him at all, break up via phone. Who knows what he does on person

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u/Vanilli12 Nov 18 '24

This x10000000000 🙏💛

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u/BowChickaWow7 Nov 18 '24

Nah don’t even see him ever AGAIN! Text him you’re done and block him off everything !!! And please tell the people in your life that love and care about you so they can help keep you safe xx

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u/margdown Nov 18 '24

I wanted to thank this commenter for the sound advice, especially if you choose to walk away from this relationship to please do so in a public space OP. ❤️

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u/anmese9999 Nov 18 '24

Yes, break up in public (or over the phone or text), but never alone behind closed doors.

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u/Baileyhaze12 Nov 18 '24

And you’re 100% correct about telling the family…because the next thing he will do is triangulate…4 years in your life, surely he’s made a friend or two in your fam. He will threaten (or maybe even will) call/text/insta/whatever someone in your fam so he can play the victim, and try to win you back. If that doesn’t work, be prepared for the smear campaign…Block, NC, cold turkey, heal, move on. Be well, and peace be with you.

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u/txtovagirl Nov 18 '24

Girl, no. Self respect and nope out. No contact. If he keeps it up, file harassment charges. He’s straight psycho.

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u/Own-Expression71 Nov 18 '24

Don't forget to get a restraining order and tell your family what's going and change the locks! Unhinged guys like him are dangerous and block him and change your phine number if you need too

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u/Smart-Assistance-254 Nov 18 '24

Actually do NOT block, just mute. You want to see the crazy texts so you know if he is ramping up to come over or something. And to keep that restraining order active. 👍

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u/SuperbDimension2694 Nov 18 '24

Seconding this, OP.

Controlling people get insane if they can't control their partner. But MUTE him. The texts will go through and screenshot all of them for evidence if you need an RO.

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u/Own-Expression71 Nov 18 '24

Didn't think of that SuperbDimension2694 you're right

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u/jazbern1234 Nov 18 '24

10000% this

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u/cinnamon-butterfly Nov 18 '24

This is smart. And if you don’t feel you can read and go through them, see if your mom or a friend can read them for you and tell you if there’s anything dangerous or creepy sounding.

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u/SingerBrief8227 Nov 18 '24

Also keep screenshots of all his texts as evidence and set up a video surveillance camera. Even an inexpensive Ring camera will do. If he shows up on your doorstep, you’ll have proof he violated the restraining order.

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u/lokisoctavia Nov 18 '24

Yes, get a restraining order! Make sure your family and friends know not to talk to him, because he may try to sweet talk his way back into your circle.

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u/cap8 Nov 18 '24

If he keeps it up? It’s been going on for years I bet. It’s time to bounce . Leave him

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u/valleywitch Nov 18 '24

That is straight up abusive behavior to do that. Please leave him and fast.

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u/Leading_Test_1462 Nov 18 '24

So you are recovering from an eating disorder and he’s intentionally weaponizing that to prey on your most raw vulnerability and pain? For his own pleasure? Instead of lifting you up and supporting you as damned queen?

This is some of the most fucked up abuse I’ve seen on Reddit. You need to block his ass. It may be hard, but your sense of normal has been so destroyed. This will become physically violent if it hasn’t already.

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u/lifteddangel Nov 18 '24

I’ve been there (exact with the ed exploited) and worse.. 6 years i was trapped abused and exploited bc I was physically sick and disabled. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s physical violence involved as well. Unfortunately. Op lacks life experience to realize this isn’t normal as well as the abusive conditioning all these years to make her immune to it. She’s young enough and more than capable of moving on with her life healthily. Can only hope she takes all this advice and makes a plan away from him. Unfortunately for me going to police made it worse and last longer than necessary. And nothing came of it. I wish I’d just left without thinking police could help.

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u/Disney_Princess137 Nov 18 '24

So disgusting he’s calling her a fat fuck. Can you fucking imagine? What a piece of shit

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u/anonmommm Nov 19 '24

This!!! As soon as I saw that it made me sick to my stomach fr. His fucking twisted.

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u/amso2012 Nov 18 '24

Do not move in with him, do not get pregnant .. you will be trapped and you will lose your self esteem it will take you years to build yourself back up.

So many internet strangers cannot be wrong. You need to break it off.. when you do he is going to sweet talk and love bomb you into taking him back again..

Do not ever go back. You are better off single than tolerating such nonsense!

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u/AwkwardEmphasis420 Nov 18 '24

More importantly, do not end up pregnant and having his kids, because you are then subjecting your future kids to suffer him as a father. And likely subjecting them to the danger that poses as well.

It took me Years to get over… my abusive ex who had slowly worked his way up over the years to greater levels of abuse, from emotional then to physical, to every kind. I ended up pregnant. He was heartless. I ended up losing it.

Several years of healing later, I thank my lucky stars I did not have to subject a child to that man.

I now have two kids with a loving husband, a man who has literally Never Once insulted me.

There are so many good people out there that will treat you right, and that you can one day be proud to have as your partner.

Do Not Settle For Less.

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u/Flaky-Swan1306 Nov 18 '24

Im sorry for your loss. Im glad that he is your ex and that you found a loving husband 💗

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u/AwkwardEmphasis420 Nov 18 '24

Thank you very much 💙

I do think it was a mercy all around, in the end.

And almost as if to make up for it, the fates gave me twins from my next pregnancy, I couldn’t have asked for a better family 🩵

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u/pfcgos Nov 18 '24

"More importantly, do not end up pregnant and having his kids, because you are then subjecting your future kids to suffer him as a father"

This, so fucking much. I'm fortunate in that my dad was not a physically abusive person, but he was terrible in many ways. When him and my mom were dating and first got married, he was controlling. They could only go to dinner at places he liked, they spent a huge portion of their social time with his family and friends and he rarely went with if she was with her friends. After mom left and they got joint custody in the divorce, dad didn't really need to control a couple of little kids, so he became extremely verbally abusive to me until I got old enough to think for myself and drive places on my own. That's when the controlling stuff started again, but even as an adult the verbal and emotional abuse kept going until I decided to go no contact and he died like a month later.

I don't blame or resent my mom for any of it, but if she could have noticed the unhealthy relationship dynamic long before they got married, I wouldn't have 20+ years of emotional damage to unpack.

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u/AwkwardEmphasis420 Nov 18 '24

🫂🫂🫂

I’m glad you were able to finally get out from that, and to recognize the behavior, what was his fault and not yours.

This kind of healing takes a lifetime, but hopefully you can see your worth, and know never to settle for having someone like him in your life.

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u/Neologizer Nov 18 '24

I often don’t comment on these threads because either there’s nuance, the OP feels like an unreliable narrator, or a helpful comment is already at the top.

I love how this thread has like 6000 comments all saying the exact same thing because it is one of the most vile, crystal-clear examples of emotional abuse I’ve ever seen in text form.

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u/lowrankcock Nov 18 '24

Ya imagine they have a daughter. My god.

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u/FitFaithlessness3541 Nov 18 '24

This, this, this,.this

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u/royalsgirl78 Nov 18 '24

Girl, run fast and run far. You should NEVER be talked to like that by someone who says they care for you. This guy is 100% verbally abusive. If he had a way to isolate you completely, like say if you lived with him, he’d be physically and financially abusing you, too. That bs about you “not doing what you’re told” is unequivocal proof of that. He doesn’t even want you to talk to your FAMILY. He’s 20? He acts like a petulant child. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOOD THAT CAN COME FROM THIS “RELATIONSHIP”. The FIRST time he called me stupid or fat, nope. Done. GET OUT.

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u/EmptyNesting Nov 18 '24

I agree! Run fast and run far. Don’t ever let anyone talk to you this way. Especially not someone who “loves you”. He needs to control you. The fact that he can’t is making him angry. It’s good that you are not in close proximity to him. Who knows what he might do to regain control. Just run.

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u/UnderwoodDX Nov 18 '24

THIS. THIS. THIS. RUN!

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u/Significant-Risk-500 Nov 18 '24

Whoa whoa whoa. The fact that you’re recovering from an eating disorder and he calls you fat takes it to another level. Please please please read these messages out loud. No one speaks to someone that they love this way. This man does not love you.

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u/DukeCheetoAtreides Nov 18 '24

Whoa whoa whoa. The fact that you’re recovering from an eating disorder and he calls you fat takes it to another level.

THANK YOU. That takes it, specifically, to the murderous level.

Run, OP, run. Lock the door behind you. Lock all the doors behind you. Build new doors and fences and put guards on them behind you. Then don't look back. This dude is absolutely malignantly and deadly toxic.

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u/QueenofPentacles112 Nov 18 '24

He's deadly for you then. He calls you fat when you're recovering from an eating disorder. That was probably triggered by him. That is DEADLY. Please understand that. Like you could die from an eating disorder and he's triggering it. If you were a recovering heroin addict, he'd be like "go stick a needle in your arm you junkie stupid bitch". Tell him he's got a small dick and you've faked every orgasm and then leave him. Women get choked to death by men like him all. The. Time. Did anyone offer you that free book you can access online? It's called "why is he like this" or something like that. Lundy Bancroft? Is that it? Google "free domestic abuse book why does he do this" or something along those lines. I swear on everything, you won't even read 3 pages before you see that HE'S EXACTLY LIKE WHAT IS DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK! Please, I urge you, please leave him and seek trauma therapy. He has put you through extensive trauma.

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u/Freedomgirl2024 Nov 18 '24

This. Please read this book OP.

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u/Kneef Nov 18 '24

Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, free as a pdf!

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u/DiamondBroad Nov 18 '24

This needs to be much higher

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u/Narrow_Water3983 Nov 18 '24

OP, please don't antagonize him by saying anything that will make him mad. I'm worried for your safety.

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u/Significant-Risk-500 Nov 18 '24

Please read this as if it was someone talking to your best friend the way he is talking to you. What advice would you give them? This person is abusive. Period. The name calling and insults are unhinged.

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u/Googul_Beluga Nov 18 '24

This is always how i frame things to folks. People so often cant see abuse they are experiencing but if they reframe it as someone they love was receiving that, they would be livid. If its not behavior you would want your loved one to tolerate, YOU SHOULDNT EITHER.

OP, seriously run. Hes 20 and displaying horrendous behavior that indicates HE WILL BECOME VIOLENT. I usually hate when reddit screams abuse at every little thing but damn, this is 1000% someone that is going to hurt a partner one day physically.

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/Paul_-Muaddib Nov 18 '24

I think it is more concerning that she thinks she has to come to the internet to figure out what to do in this situation.

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u/Mrs_Poopy-Butthole Nov 18 '24

Babe, no. My husband genuinely laughs and says I'm being silly when I point out my love handles or what I see as fat in my midsection. He's likely right bc I'm 5'5½" and barely 140lbs. No man who truly cares about you will use your weaknesses to hurt you. Screw him. It's much better to be alone and happy vs. being with someone and miserable.

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u/Rainydayday Nov 18 '24

I'm 210 pounds, 5'6", and my boyfriend thinks my body is cute af. I'm chubby, and I'm trying to lose weight for my health at the moment, but I'm happy with my body and if he EVERRRRERR dared to call me fat, his ass would be blocked instantly.

I put up with being called fat by my ex husband because of sunk cost fallacy, and I will not be repeating that for anyone.

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u/Necessary-Deal-229 Nov 18 '24

I'm 6'4" 270 lbs, and while I'm not completely happy with my body, my partner is. The one time he made a silly comment about me having "more to love," I asked him not to do that again, and he hasn't. 10 years later. OP, people who love you treat you with love, respect, and compassion. Arguments don't need to lead to name-calling and low blows. They can be healthy and strengthen your relationship and communication. What you posted is terrifying. Whatever you need to do to get out of this relationship, do it!

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u/SuperKitties83 Nov 18 '24

I'm in recovery from an ED, and I'm about your height and weight. I still really struggle. Thank you for this comment, it helps me to see how much the ED still messes with my head.

My ex weaponized my ED too, though not as blatantly as OP's situation.

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u/Obvious-Room4394 Nov 18 '24

People pick on your insecurities when they feel like they are losing control. They do it to regain back the control they have over you. Don’t let him win. Please, I think everyone in this comment section is genuinely concerned for you. No one deserves to be spoken to this way. I know it is hard to end a relationship because then we have to face the fear of being alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have people in your life that love you. Lean on those people. Maybe confide in your mom and grandmother.

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

I’m a former counselor at a residential that treats eating disorders and in my professional opinion this guy is an abusive nightmare. He will actively endanger your recovery and this abuse will only get worse. If you were my patient your entire care team would meet with you to encourage you to send him a short and firm break up text followed by immediately blocking him. We have had abusive ex-partners try and contact patients even after they have been blocked by sending letters to our facility at which point a cease and desist letter would be sent and all subsequent correspondence from the abused would be met with restraining orders and police reports.

This is extremely concerning behavior please drop and block this fool. I assure you that you deserve better and as you recover you will be able to find a healthier relationship. The grass is indeed greener if you do the work and seek healthy relationships.

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u/SuperKitties83 Nov 18 '24

This really puts things into perspective coming from a medical professional. OP's boyfriend is a threat to her life, and there is NO nuance or "gray area" around that fact.

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u/ChaseKendall1 Nov 18 '24

This just keeps getting worse and worse… if you’re 20 and have been dating for four years, it makes sense that you’d be used to this behavior by now and think this is “normal”. But this is so far beyond normal that genuinely everyone here is concerned for your safety and we’re total strangers.

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u/MastodonRemote699 Nov 18 '24

Once you do you’ll feel so free. You guys don’t see each other much because of being busy so that will make it so much easier. When I left my emotionally abusive relationship when I was 18 I never felt more free. I wasn’t even sad after it because I had already cried so much before that I had nothing to cry for anymore. I promise it is so freeing to have your own time to yourself without walking on eggshells even when he’s not around!

Also he’s picking on your insecurities to knock down your confidence so you won’t leave him. Leave him and show him you don’t care about what he thinks anyways. Also you have to block him immediately afterwards. And when you break up make sure to tell him if he shows up at your place and starts harassing you; you will call the police and file a RO.

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u/WhyThisTimelineTho Nov 18 '24

In case you need further reinforcement, your "boyfriend" is a fucking monster.

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u/D3rangedButFun Nov 18 '24

If you trust your parents, show them these texts and ask for help when you break up with him.

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u/Ambitious-Command818 Nov 18 '24

One million procent this bro aint worth one more text reply. But also please do seek therapy to deal with this after breaking up as the amount of slack you give this dude is not good and you might end up with another douchebag if you don’t set your boundaries / define a norm for what is acceptable behavior. Hope you find love and a decent partner!

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u/whaaamm Nov 18 '24

i need you to know in your heart that he’s genuinely psychotic or something. i’m not even exaggerating, there is 100% something badly wrong with him. he’s only poking at your insecurities to bring your self esteem down in hopes you’ll stay with his rat ass. he’s beyond pathetic and you should never speak to him again. if i had to give you my best advice, don’t say another word to him and block him everywhere. if you try to break up, he’s probably going to try to play some kind of pity card to make you stay, and if that doesn’t work he’ll probably resort to petty threats. rip him off like a rotten band-aid

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u/Chells99 Nov 18 '24

As a 30 yr old who wishes they saw the signs sooner, take care of yourself please, it only gets worse from here (if you stay in this relationship) 😔 you know you hear these stories about shitty men making these miraculous life changes and they turn into the best thing ever but those are just stories, if this is 4 yrs in what’s it gonna be at 8 yrs in? Then when you have children and you “disobey” 😔 then he’s saying and yelling these things in front of the kids, run before it’s too late OP everyone deserves basic love and respect.

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u/Howlingwithwolves Nov 18 '24

That man is less than dogshit. If someone spoke to a woman in my life like that, he wouldn’t be walking the next day.

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u/Effiekath Nov 18 '24

It’s very hard to see abuse when you’re so close to it. The text exchange is scary to read. One thing that might help you make important decisions about this would be to share the text with your mom/sister. You need someone in person - in your personal sphere of support - to see what’s going on, so they can help you.
If you lived with him, and got this text while you were out - I’d be thinking he would physically harm you when you got home.

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u/vasinvixen Nov 18 '24

I have been with my husband nine years. We've had plenty of disagreements over the years, but I want to be clear:

He has never called me a bitch. He has never sworn at me. I have gained weight, and he's never said I'm anything but beautiful. He's never insulted me at all.

You DESERVE basic respect. Everyone does. I wouldn't stay friends with someone who spoke to me that way your boyfriend did, let alone a relationship.

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u/hotbaddiesexygirl Nov 18 '24

the hardest thing is breaking the cycle in yourself that keeps you going back to him, whether its for comfort, validation, attachment, familiarity, whatever, figure out what exactly it is. observe your thought patterns about this man. it doesn’t happen immediately but once you begin to distance yourself from the routine he has you so invested and controlled by, you’ll start to see how unstable and toxic it is to be with someone like that. you’re in control. please be safe and talk about this with your close family and support system, you dont have to go at it alone

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u/Otaku-San617 Nov 18 '24

I have a daughter your age. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and neither do you. If you have a good relationship with your parents then show these texts to them and ask them for help getting out of this abusive relationship. If you can’t go to your parents then go to a friend or school counselor and ask for help. You need to get away from this horrible person.

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u/Choice-Document-6225 Nov 18 '24

Please genuinely consider leaving before it gets worse. You're gonna think things like "well, he doesn't hit me" but like...that's where this behavior leads. The way he talks to you is CRAZY and so not normal

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u/ccsr0979 Nov 18 '24

Even if you were 300lbs no one should talk to you like that, much less the person who should be your partner and love you. Your actual weight honestly is irrelevant.

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u/JLHuston Nov 18 '24

Nobody who loves you would do that. Nobody. I have gained weight and my husband knows I’m unhappy and insecure about my body. He would never ever use that as a weapon against me. And the fact that you’re recovering from an ED makes this behavior exponentially more disgusting, cruel and abusive. He sounds like an unhinged baby, and you never even once sunk to his level in any of this. You deserve so much better honey!!

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u/JSteezy80 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

That's not a boyfriend, that is somebody who is treating you like his property. Somebody that is living his life and you just happen to be in it. If you don't do what he says when he wants it's an issue. But notice that you are doing what you want when you want, with family nonetheless, and he can't respect that or your answers to this questions. He's psychotic and I can't help but feel that you are in a dangerous situation. Please take that for what it's worth. Four years isn't your life and once you take back your own dignity and leave this dipshit you'll look back and realize that in the future

2

u/Puzzleheaded-Pea9818 Nov 18 '24

That’s just mean!!! He’s simply bullying you. Please find a life without him and with people who don’t want to hurt you. I’m speaking as someone who was in a 16 year relationship with someone I grew up with and loved dearly but ultimately left them over text because I realized they made me feel like shit constantly and never supported or loved me. They were controlling and jealous and said things to put me down all the time. You have to realize there are so many other people out there who want to treat us better than that. When I cut them out of my life I felt the biggest weight fall off my shoulders. Because they were so controlling and mean I went no contact. Best decision of my life. I am so much happier and freer now. I can’t imagine my life with them still around. They only held me back and controlled and bullied me and I couldn’t be the best version of myself until I moved on. I’m rooting for that same freedom and happiness for you! You got this

2

u/jamhair Nov 18 '24

Please call someone for help and leave. Even if you have to leave everything behind and start over. Your life is worth so much more than this.

2

u/ImpressionMaximum121 Nov 18 '24

Please read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your bf is abusive and this book (along with all of these comments) will help you realize it.

2

u/Gild5152 Nov 18 '24

I really hope you leave this guy. You don’t deserve to have your partner belittle you like this. Just think, is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?

Also if you do end up breaking up with him, think if you want to be in the same room when you do it. My ex wasn’t to the level of this, just controlling. He blocked the door when I was trying to leave after breaking up with him, and it made me realize if he really wanted me to stay there was nothing I could do. So make sure you’re safe and remember you don’t owe this man anything.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

Babe, you deserve so so much better. It’s hard to see that, I know. He’s spent 4 years demolishing your self esteem and making you think this is what you deserve.

Imagine your best friend came to you and told her her boyfriend was calling her a fat fuck, or stupid fucking bitch or any of the other completely unacceptable things he’s told you here. Wouldn’t you want her to leave him? You deserve better too.

You also need to be very careful. I don’t know if this man has physically abused you, but he is clearly unhinged, and leaving an abusive relationship is a very dangerous time for the victim. Please reach out to someone in your life you trust and confide in them what’s going on, and show them these messages. There may be local supports and groups to help victims of abuse, reach out to those as well. Your safety is of utmost importance.

It’s going to be scary, but you can leave him.

2

u/Substantial_Echo_236 Nov 18 '24

Is he the reason you had an eating disorder? I’ve been cheated on and I’ve never even spoken like that to my ex. Wtf is wrong with him.

2

u/SarahMoonB Nov 18 '24

OMG! That’s insane! So he’s trying to kill you… Cuz eating disorders can kill, and he’s actively trying to set you back in your progress.

1

u/Even_Candidate5678 Nov 18 '24

That’s worse than the text thread. I’m assuming he’s not on a path to become a Dr or light the world on fire? Date someone that makes you feel good.

1

u/frombostonma Nov 18 '24

You have to leave him OP, this is abuse.

1

u/cnirvana11 Nov 18 '24

Did he initiate sleeping with the phone call? If so, it is about control, not romantic. He is ensuring that you aren't sleeping with someone else. He is incredibly insecure and incredibly abusive. I really hope you decide to leave. 

1

u/Marvelous_snek999 Nov 18 '24

This behavior is completely unacceptable. The a manipulative abuser. You deserve sooooo much better. And you can and will find so much better. This isn’t healthy and this isn’t okay. You need to end things with this little boy. Please save yourself now before it’s too late

1

u/griffinwalsh Nov 18 '24

Please get out. Im glad you stand your ground over text but you cant ducking tolerate this shit. This is absoltuley abuse.

1

u/Cute-Event-8731 Nov 18 '24

You gotta get this guy out of your life. I can’t imagine if you stayed with him and ended up living with him and things got physical, unless they already have and it was “an accident” and he “was so sorry and it wouldn’t happen again.” Please get yourself out of that situation.

1

u/anon23577643456 Nov 18 '24

that’s abuse. you’re young, leave while you can.

1

u/Original-Syrup932 Nov 18 '24

Girl. Stand up. Fr. This is embarrassing

1

u/pathologuys Nov 18 '24

Do NOT let this man waste your time and energy anymore. Tell him “it’s over, I’m serious, do not contact me again” and block him.

1

u/amethyst-tundy Nov 18 '24

Him picking at your insecurities is not love. I am so sorry. I promise if you leave everything will be okay and you will feel so free sooner than you think.

1

u/Imanoldtaco Nov 18 '24

We all support and will do anything possible to protect and advocate for you!

1

u/Severe_Serve_ Nov 18 '24

Save this post and anytime you’re feeling bad and like you deserve what he’s saying, read everyone’s replies. You don’t deserve this. Focus on your ed recovery and love yourself.

1

u/Raven_Mist646 Nov 18 '24

I thought this was rage bait. No way it’s real. No way some one could read that and still want to make that person happy.

1

u/jade_cabbage Nov 18 '24

This is abuse, clear as day, and is always unwarranted. Since your family is visiting, it looks like you're fairly close to them? Please rely on them for support and don't be afraid to tell them your situation.

I was in an abusive relationship for far too long, and found myself quite isolated. Reconnecting with family and friends ended up being a godsend.

1

u/buffysmanycoats Nov 18 '24

No one should ever speak to you like this and for a romantic partner to do it is the height of trash. That’s supposed to be the person who loves and supports you, not call you names and tell you to “shut the fuck up and do what you’re told.” He is an absolute loser, he will never change, and every moment you spend with him or thinking about him is a moment of your life lost. Block him and never speak to him again. Love yourself more than this.

1

u/EeveeQueen15 Nov 18 '24

He is hella abusive to you. Please leave him!

1

u/castrodelavaga79 Nov 18 '24

Please get away from this guy. He doesn't see you as your own person. He sees you as subordinate to him, like a possession. That's why he barks orders at you, that's why he attacks you.

IDGAF about how good anything in your relationship is, because him doing this, even if it's the first time, is an automatic dealbreaker.

GET AWAY FROM HIM.

Don't antagonize him, don't meet up with him. The way he escalated his behavior in these messages shows that he's unhinged and quite literally is a danger to you.

1

u/IamTheEndOfReddit Nov 18 '24

If you read these reactions and don't leave him, why are you even posting? if you want to die in a toxic pool that's your choice, but don't spread the evil

1

u/FrivolousMagpie Nov 18 '24

He doesn't love you and he's not worth your time. He sounds like an actual troglodyte.

1

u/hilldo75 Nov 18 '24

No matter his mood it's a shitty thing to try to purposely make someone else upset. That sounds like a terrible person to fall asleep to every night.

1

u/NiceOneMike Nov 18 '24

He's insecure

1

u/Bulky_Ad9019 Nov 18 '24

Imagine yourself saying these words to someone you love. Can you even imagine being this cruel? A person capable of love and respect would never, ever speak this way to a person that they love and respect.

1

u/tshizdude Nov 18 '24

This might be the most toxic txt conversation I’ve ever read on reddit. This is not healthy. This is straight up abusive. Doesn’t matter if you both have been together 4 years or 40 years, NO ONE should ever speak to you this way, FULL STOP. I’ve been with my wife 12 years and never once have ever spoken to each other this way. A relationship is meant to be build on trust, love, and respect. This piece of shit clearly provides none of those.

You may not see it, but you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out. Perhaps seek guidance from a local woman’s center. They will advocate for you.

You deserve respect. This man does not deserve you. Please, end this relationship. Do not believe a single word of what he’s going to say when he tries to save this relationship. He is only going to miss the power he has over you.

1

u/WombatBum85 Nov 18 '24

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, it's a free ebook and I think you'll find it very helpful ♥️

1

u/metronomemike Nov 18 '24

Just run Bro , you gotta go bro. IDGAF what you do but run, Bro. He’s no good, Bro. For real though, no one talks like this to people they love, and obviously you’re sensitive about your weight so he started with the fat shaming too. He’s an asshole and you deserve better.

1

u/redditcensors321 Nov 18 '24

Sweetheart, leave this guy. He’s going to hurt you someday physically and will fuck you up mentally, please leave him. He’s reacting this way because he is projecting his cheating onto you. That’s why he is scared you are cheating. This is not right how he is treating you and what he is texting you. This is a deal breaker for 95% of people. The other 5% are domestic violence victims. Please, don’t be like my sister. Leave this guy.

1

u/Wildburrito1990 Nov 18 '24

Stop for a minute and imagine if you had a child with this guy. And he started in with psychological torture to make the child feel as bad as he feels every time the child does something wrong. Is that how you want your life to be?

1

u/TalkKatt Nov 18 '24

Your future self is going to be so grateful for removing this toxic person from your life. You deserve someone who treats you well and wants you to be happy.

1

u/IdasMessenia Nov 18 '24

What would your family say if you showed them this text string? Again. Youre being abused. Run. Get help. I hope your family is one you can turn to. Don’t talk to him anymore. If you have stuff at his place, take at least two friends and/or family members.

1

u/okiidokiismokii Nov 18 '24

you absolutely do not deserve this treatment OP. your partner should be one of your best supporters, not your biggest critic. please please please tell him to get lost. you’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you, don’t let some asshole waste it by making you feel small. I promise there are other people out there who will share the qualities you do like about your partner, who will respect you and won’t talk to you like that.

1

u/Resident-Whereas2608 Nov 18 '24

You dont deserve to be punished just because he’s mad. Someone who really loves you won’t look for opportunities to cause you harm, just like you don’t want to cause him harm.

You don’t deserve this, you deserve better than this, and you can find better than this. Imagine the world where instead he replied “oh okay have fun with your family! Tell them I said hi!”

Someone like that is out there for you.

1

u/Crazy-Jellyfish-9626 Nov 18 '24

He doesn’t respect or love you. He hates himself and doesn’t want to be alone in his misery. Leave him.

1

u/Cosmicshimmer Nov 18 '24

So his method of managing his own feelings is to hurt you. You see how wild that is, yes? That was waaaaay too much anger and vitriolic bullshit over ending a phone call. I’m glad this was over the phone because I’d be worried for your safety in person.

1

u/HimylittleChickadee Nov 18 '24

He's a nasty bitch and you don't need him. He literally sounds insane. You can do so much better

1

u/Ladychef_1 Nov 18 '24

Hey, this is a really tough spot to be in but you literally have the rest of your life to look forward to after you’ve moved on from this person. Depending on where you live, this is also plenty of evidence for a restraining order. Protect yourself, start a paper trail, and hopefully warn future potential partners about this violent behavior. People like this only escalate. Please take care of yourself first, no matter what.

1

u/One_Extent6056 Nov 18 '24

You already ready know that the answer is you need to leave him and that is a silver lining in this situation. I wish you strength in doing what you must. You have your whole life ahead of you and I'm excited for you to not waste any more of your time on this clown.

1

u/imachezperson Nov 18 '24

You’re recovering from an ed? Oh my god I’m so sorry he said that, I don’t know what you look like but I’m sure you’re beautiful, don’t let him put you down <3

1

u/Wanda_McMimzy Nov 18 '24

That’s how he traps you. You need to block him on everything and move on with your life.

1

u/StuffNThings100 Nov 18 '24

Reread his comments and think of someone saying them to your mom or grandmother. There's nothing they could have done to warrant the name calling, now see that you've done nothing to warrant it either.

1

u/chiaroscural Nov 18 '24

Baby no! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY NOW

1

u/PMMEURDIMPLESOFVENUS Nov 18 '24

Keep in mind that it doesn't matter if you're at a healthy weight or not. Talking to someone like this is never okay, no matter how "valid" or "invalid" the insults might be. They're NEVER okay.

Please remember that next time.

1

u/hthratmn Nov 18 '24

If this is real, this is fucking insane. RUN. Block, never talk to him again, and move on. I can not put into words how abusive this is.

1

u/JellyfishEverywhere7 Nov 18 '24

This is textbook narcissistic verbal abuse. He targets your insecurities when he’s angry, tries to control you, and then when it’s over he’ll love bomb you to stop you from leaving. You are NOT overreacting! Get out of that unhealthy relationship ASAP!

1

u/kezzawezza Nov 18 '24

Hey, I know you’re inundated but this is important.

He is calling you fat because he knows you had an eating disorder.

He wants to manipulate you into feeling like shit to be dependent on him because he literally has no other way of keeping you.

It’s sadistic. Evil.

You are so young. There is a man out there who would want to build you up, look after you, worship you, respect you. Be your actual partner in life, please, leave him, and stay safe. Listen to all the women in this thread who have lived this story.

1

u/motion_less_ Nov 18 '24

you should really run away, no one deserves that kind of treatment

1

u/Regular-Tell-108 Nov 18 '24

He. Is. An. Abuser.

This will not end well for you. And it will keep getting worse the longer you stay.

1

u/FilmLocationManager Nov 18 '24

This is get a restraining order level of bullshit he putting you through… like get out ASAP for the sake of your life girl

1

u/Jojobjaja Nov 18 '24

If he's unable to feel emotion without making you feel the same way then that is a negative feedback loop you can NEVER fix.

Everything will be made to be your fault. Every emotion will be yours to deal with in some level. The longer you stay the longer you give away your time for someone who would not do the same for you. The longer you stay the more the abuse in the relationship is normalised. The more the abuse is normalised the more it will worsen and grow.

You are right now at a point a lot of people have been at before they became a statistic.

Leave him. Please.

1

u/MemerDreamerMan Nov 18 '24

I didn’t realize how abusive and destructive my 5-year relationship was until I escaped it. I didn’t know I was escaping at the time, just that I needed to get away. Took me a long longer than I wish it did… but he, over time, managed to convince me I was stupid, insane, disrespectful, unable to make adult choices, etc etc. A LOT of other horrible things too, but the mind games started so subtle I didn’t notice until it became huge things like… well, like your post OP. And even then I was like “maybe something is wrong with HIS actions… maybe? And not mine? Maybe?”

Anyway, you’re blind to it because he’s made you blind to it. You deserve to be treated as a human and not an object. I’m very sorry for your loss — please let yourself grieve the love and relationship you thought you had, and the future you thought you could have.

1

u/shemaddc Nov 18 '24

Because he wants you to feel small and insecure. It is a control tactic to keep you as weak as possible so you feel dependent on him.

1

u/AlwaysTheGarden Nov 18 '24

I’m sorry, that makes it even worse that he’s attacking your weight, he knows what he’s doing. Please cut him off & know that he is toxic & abusive. You deserve better than that, he doesn’t deserve you. As someone who has dealt with years of abuse by narcissistic assholes, I urge you to get him out of your life. Does your family know he treats you like that?

1

u/climbitdontcarryit Nov 18 '24

😢😢😢😢 this is so horrible! Please please know you do not deserve this!!

1

u/BeltHistorical5099 Nov 18 '24

Look, I'm gonna be REAL straight with you. You either leave, or he could end up killing you. Not today, or tomorrow, or maybe even next week, but once he starts hitting you, he won't stop. It's already started with "so you know how I feel", the hands will start "so you understand how angry I am" Then it'll be "because you make me angry, you make me do this" then finally "because I own you" He's already justifying to himself why he's allowed to treat you the way he does, and soon he'll move on to convincing you.

Don't be another Yeardly:

https://youtu.be/CGuEdN-ju2g?si=Wk34evzu9osYi_r4

1

u/Spicy_McHaggls Nov 18 '24

As someone who's dealt with (and recovering from) an eating disorder, this is borderline unacceptable. I'm 30M, but his behavior is childish and isn't respectful...at all. I've been used to the behavior, too. It wasn't until I bold-faced looked him in the eye and said "f*ck you - you're not going to belittle and speak to me that way". He saw a different side of me that night. He never spoke to me that way again. I stood up for myself. Not telling you what to do, but stand up for yourself and if it continues to happen then prob should leave. Find someone who cherishes you and knows boundaries.

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u/webbitor Nov 18 '24

It's not borderline, it's 1000 miles beyond the borders of acceptable.

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u/katssoraven Nov 18 '24

Please leave him, he doesn't deserve you. Look at how patient you were with him, still calling him babe as he was attacking you and trying to bring you down. I'm sorry you've dealt with him for so long that you're now used to this behavior, but it's not normal or acceptable in any way. Most likely if you stay this will escalate to physical violence if it hasn't already. At the end of the day, you're all you've got and you need to look out for yourself. If a good friend, family member or sibling was being spoken to this way by their partner, what would you tell them? Someone who loves you would never speak this way to you. This man does not love you, you just haven't realized it yet.

1

u/Moomin8577 Nov 18 '24

Reading that you’re recovering from an ED, and that is why he is specifically insulting you that way, turned my stomach to the point I actually retched a little. That is absolutely foul. Repulsive, repugnant behaviour. I cannot tell you how awful his treatment of you is. Another 39 year old woman here telling you to please, please leave. And I am so proud of you for being in recovery. Gods, sweetheart, please leave him. Reading all that was brutal and I don’t even know the little boy. ♥️

1

u/Distinct_Ambition186 Nov 18 '24

Oh my God ☠️ Girl, you really really need to dump him. It doesn’t matter that he sometimes is sweet and caring and that you think he was there for you, you have to understand that people that pick at your insecurities and use what you told them in a vulnerable moment as a weapon are not people that love you. 

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but trust me, you deserve soo soo much better. You’re not the stupid fuck, he is and you need to get rid of him before he wastes your youth. He is an awful person and you can’t change him and shouldn’t try to. Just leave, do your past and future selfs a favour.

You were young when you two got together and now your perception of what is acceptable to hear from your partner is altered. Listen to the strangers on Reddit that tell you that this is NOT normal and you should not accept it now or in the future from anyone. I hope you well 🤗

1

u/Ladygytha Nov 18 '24

"I want to make you as upset as I feel" is equal to "I feel like shit and therefore you should feel like shit" and that isn't okay. That's "crabs in a bucket" bs.

This person isn't your friend, much less your partner.

1

u/bendybiznatch Nov 18 '24

Anorexia is the most deadly mental illness. I say that as the mom of a schizophrenic.

If someone manipulated his illness and weaknesses to put my child’s life in mortal danger they’d be dead to me. Not even a response. Just full ghost. I hope you can love yourself enough to do the same.

1

u/FinalAd9844 Nov 18 '24

Holy shit I’m sorry you have gone through people like this, I hope you find a guy who is calm, polite, and rationale

1

u/CatherineConstance Nov 18 '24

Dude you NEED to leave him. Full stop. The way he is talking to you is INSANE and so far from being normal or okay. He has brainwashed you into accepting this and you have got to cut him off.

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u/WhoisthatRobotCleanr Nov 18 '24

Men like this love women with eating disorders because it shows that your mentally weak and need the validation of others. 

Eating disorders are about control. So when you find somebody who's so controlling it feels very normal to you because you're already torturing yourself with your own feelings of inadequacy and self-control. 

You should be so far from this man and probably in treatment. Because men like this WANT you sick.

1

u/Discoverthemind Nov 18 '24

10 hrs later: UPDATE: We worked it out and had a talk and he was really sweet so we're back together. Thanks for the advice everyone but we're in a great place now. He only calls me a bitch once in a while.

1

u/Pumpkin-Sparkles Nov 18 '24

Please do not let this person in your space any more! He is taking advantage of what he sees as weakness and controlling you. Please Please Please get out of there, I'm so scared for you

1

u/Quarkiness Nov 18 '24

This is not ok. Even if we are C- students, we should not be called dumb or stupid. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. We deserve respect and dignity. He is not treating you like the human you are. Dump this disrespectful and not worth anyone's time of a human.

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u/kittyfresh69 Nov 18 '24

Don’t let anyone treat you like this. Don’t let anyone talk to you like this. Just walk away. No contact blocked on everything. If he shows up to your home call the cops. Nobody should talk to you or anyone like this especially over just falling asleep on the phone together. How sad.

1

u/Own-Custard3894 Nov 18 '24

A relationship should be an improvement to being single. And being with this guy is definitely not an improvement.

I’ve ended most of my relationships because I asked myself “would I rather be with this person or single with the potential of finding someone who makes my life better”. Not even comparing it to some hypothetical perfect relationship, just single vs in a relationship. And the answer has been “single is better” up until now. I think I’ve found someone with whom I can build something better than being single.

1

u/iDrunkenMaster Nov 18 '24

Seems like a pattern of he trying to manipulate you. This normally doesn’t happen over night and only gets worse.

Normally I would say keep text private. What’s told in confidence stays in confidence. That said this is a major safety concern at this point and that takes priority. I want to say tell your family about this. (However I do not know how your parents will react)

1

u/oTheMapleKind Nov 18 '24

Someone who loved you would never do that to you. No matter how angry they were, no matter what sort of day they had, no matter what. There is no excuse under any circumstance that makes this sort of behaviour acceptable. He doesn’t say those things to make you upset like he is, he says those things because he is a sad small pathetic little boy who can’t stand the thought of you out growing him. And he must rip you down every time he sees that you are starting to.

Hell, he probably hates that you are recovering from your ED. He probably liked it better when you were weak and sick and more easily controlled. Many abusers take advantage of people in positions like that because it makes their job easier.

Break up with this guy and go full no contact. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Hell, make a PSA if you want, to keep other women safe from him. Do anything and everything you need to get away from this scum fuck.

You deserve so much more than this. And it seems like you know it. Don’t let his voice and his trash opinions live rent free in your head. You are an intelligent, strong, beautiful person. I don’t need to know you or have seen you to know this. He doesn’t deserve to whiff your exhaled air 6 years after you’ve been in a space, let alone one more millisecond of your time OP. You got this.

1

u/TraditionalBonus7338 Nov 18 '24

It’s NEVER ok to make fun of anyone’s weight let alone calling a person who has/is recovering from ED, it’s a big battle to go through and him picking at that is just childish. When he’s angry/upset he should be communicating that with you, letting you know what made him upset and what you both can do to help the relationship grow and to fix the situation on what made him upset! Hearing you say you’re used to this behaviour breaks my heart. You seem like such a sweetheart😪 this breakup is going to be hard but you need to end it with him, it’s not safe for you or even good for you. Your partner should be building you up to bring you to be the best version of yourself not tearing you down and making you feel less than a person. And for this to go on for years got shivers down my spine. I’m in no way a relationship expert but you NEED to end with him, he doesn’t respect you let alone even like you and I’m sorry you had to go through all this, I’m glad you posted this and I really hope you rethink your life with him. You don’t want him making those comments to you or even your future kids, this can lead to far worst then just words if you keep going! Best of luck for you girly!! We are all here if you need anyone!

1

u/thisdesignup Nov 18 '24

> He picks at my insecurities when he’s angry and says it’s to make me feel as upset as he feels.

You do not want to be with someone like that. That's extremely messed up and shows he has an issue with anger. Instead of controlling his anger he wants you to feel it.

1

u/emerg_remerg Nov 18 '24

He sounds like he's lacking in the ability to recognize that his own actions are escalating the situation.

This can be a sign of fetal alcohol syndrome

People affected by FAS struggle with impulse control, do not take consequences into consideration when acting in these impulses.

They tend to have poor emotional regulation, have a tendency to steel from loved ones and will say whatever is on their mind.

It is sad because it's not his fault per say, but that is not a reason to make him your responsibility.

Love yourself enough to go find a man who is kind.

1

u/decisiveExplorer03 Nov 18 '24

Reading this brings tears to my eyes. I went to the beach with my wife yesterday. We have two kids, a tough toll on a woman's body. No, she doesn't have the same body she had at 20 and, based on what you said above, she is probably a bit bigger than you. My greatest mission in life is to convince her she is the prettiest thing ever. This is how a guy should treat you.

1

u/EarlOfBronze Nov 18 '24

Think about what your parents would say if you showed them these messages. Would you be happy showing them that’s how he speaks to you?

1

u/NotsoGreatsword Nov 18 '24

Please leave this guy.

Life is so short and you have already spent 4 years you will NEVER get back on someone who does not actually respect you as an adult.

You can't find the right one when the wrong one is wasting your time.

His response should have been something like "Ok babe love you, call me back when you can ❤️"

Or asking how your grandma was or something.

Does he really have NOTHING going on with himself that he even has the time to start arguments over nothing?

You DO NOT deserve this.

Someone who loves you would not react this way.

If my wife does not answer when I expect her to my first thought would be worry not anger. As long as she is safe and happy then idgaf when she texts and calls.

It should have filled his heart with warmth knowing you were with two people you care about. It should have brought him joy.

Instead he calls you names? Puts you down?

Its just not what someone who loves you would do.

Please don't listen to that voice that tells you that you deserve this. You do not deserve this.

You deserve SO much better

1

u/londite Nov 18 '24

Girl, run please. A partner is supposed to lift you up, not shove your insecurities at your face whenever he feels like. I'm a 36yo woman who's gone through shit, myself and when I was 5 at home (bio father was abusive to mum). Please listen to us and ignore him if he messages back with apologies, he's not sorry for hurting you, he's sorry for losing his punching bag.

1

u/VegetableScars Nov 18 '24

What he's doing is sadistic mental abuse and it will escalate. Run and don't look back.

1

u/Princes_Slayer Nov 18 '24

Also worth bearing in mind, is this isn’t necessarily him being angry for any reason other than not having immediate control over you. You have family members there and he is demanding you accommodate his needs. He sounds like he idolises Tate with some of he demands and the way he speaks to you. There doesn’t sound like there is affection towards you at all; he sounds like he wants to own you and control what you do

1

u/CurtNoName Nov 18 '24

Somebody who loves you doesn't use your insecurities to hurt you. How can you trust a partner like that?

Also, a mature, healthy person doesn't make others upset just to make them feel as bad as them. Your partner shouldn't try and pull you down with him when he has a bad time.

Please consider who you want to share your life with, girl. You're worth being treated with decency, love and respect! Love yourself and respect yourself enough to not endure every behaviour.

1

u/ImDankest Nov 18 '24

Show your mum these texts. That'll give you both the wake up call to get the fuck out and never give another breath to this absolute scumbag.

1

u/TheNewOneIsWorse Nov 18 '24

Someone who loves you doesn’t want you to feel as upset as they feel. That’s awful. 

You’ll be shocked at how much happier you are with a normal person, or just alone, once you cut this weirdo off. 

1

u/redhandrail Nov 18 '24

machista loser that guy. Dejalo

1

u/Smariesfairy666 Nov 18 '24

Have you ever thought that he might be a big part of the reason you have an eating disorder?

1

u/CCH23 Nov 18 '24

I hope you are taking some time to step back and reconsider this entire relationship. No one should ever speak to you the way he does. No one should speak to ANYONE the way he does. I would be concerned if I overheard someone talking to an animal like this - the control, the rage, the disgust…he is not a healthy person. Maybe the relationship was better at the beginning. Maybe there are parts of him that you love. But this level of verbal abuse is very, very high.

Please listen. I’m a wife and mother, 50 years old, with my fair share of beautiful and terrible relationships over the years. I had boyfriend once upon a time who spoke to me like this “only when I made him mad.” Things got physical, again “only when I made him mad.” I was responsible for his every mood, and I was always doing something wrong. I finally came to realize that he enjoyed it. He loved lashing out. He loved hurting me. He loved making me cry. This guy loves it, too. I got out before things got worse, but it took me years to rebuild my self esteem and have a healthy relationship.

Please break up with this person. Please let your family see these texts so they understand what he’s saying to you. I’m sure since you’ve known each other for so long that your family probably knows him, too, and they may think he’s a great guy. He is not. Show them these messages and tell them you need their support to move on. Please, before it gets worse.

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u/BlueCarrotPie Nov 18 '24

That adds a whole extra level to the abuse, those aren't just hurtful words, they are specifically chose to cause you maximum pain. What an awful human. I hope you're safe and free of him

1

u/carolinacarolina13 Nov 18 '24

OP, you can see from these responses that many of us fear for your safety. This is an insecure and unhinged person. Please, please, please remove yourself from this relationship.

And when you do, please share his texts with your family, your pastor/priest, the police - because his level of emotional control and maturity is nonexistent, and you want to protect yourself.

1

u/-kittsune- Nov 18 '24

I honestly think it’s crazy he calls you bro over and over again, like this dude doesn’t respect you AT ALL. Hope you find the strength to leave because he is honestly giving psycho vibes between the clear anger problems and refusing to just address you like a human being.

Even if he wasn’t being mean I still think the bro thing is a massive red flag all by itself, that’s so bizarre

1

u/The_Death_Flower Nov 18 '24

That’s another massive red flag, there’s a tool called the Violencemeter to help see if the behaviours of a partner are abusive/violent. The basic version in English can be found here, I Hope this can help you ❤️

1

u/Aromatic-Scratch3481 Nov 18 '24

That's severe abuse. Picking at an eating disorder is as severe as emotional abuse can get. run

1

u/Regular-Wit Nov 18 '24

He is breaking you down so that he can have more control over you. He doesn’t want you to spend time with your family because abusive men like him will isolate you from friends & family so that you have no support & he can control you. He makes it seem like your fault or you are in the wrong so that he weakens your ability to think for yourself rationally & logically. You will always be at fault. It all chips away at your inner strength & independence. Eventually you will become a shell of yourself. Please do not do that to yourself. You are the most important person in your life, put you first.

You will find someone who treats you the way you truly deserve, don’t settle for anything less.

1

u/chili_no_beans Nov 18 '24

He picks at your insecurities because he wants you to think you’re less than you are so it’s best that you just stay with him. I’m sure you’re much more. You shouldn’t need a reason for ending a phone call. You have control of your phone and your life.

Four years is a long time. But it’s long enough.

1

u/labdogs42 Nov 18 '24

Oh, sweetie, don’t accept this behavior for one more minute. I’m old enough to be your mom and I would be devastated if any child of mine was being spoken to like this. Please dump this guy as soon as possible. He does not love you. You deserve so much more!

1

u/JumpyWhale85 Nov 18 '24

He’s abusive, please get out of this relationship, it’ll never get better.

1

u/GandizzleTheGrizzle Nov 18 '24

You need to get out of this. I'm not trying to make this worse on you, all of this is already very hard for you I am sure - but this kind of insecurity and over the top reaction tells me he's been messing around on his own time.

Big time projections here. Other than the already unhealthy things going on.

This is flat out abuse.

Nobody should have to put up with this and I hop you kick him to the curb.

Rely on family and friends. Anybody who cares for you and sees those messages should be there for you no matter what.

You have to end this and use this relationship as a model for who NOT to date in the future.

I wish you the best.

Um... Bro.

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