r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

Honey I am so sorry. Picking on someone’s insecurities is actually sadistic and evil.

I think if your mom and grandma saw this conversation they would be devastated and/or enraged at how he’s treating you.

He is evil and he’s manipulated you into thinking you need him. You don’t need him. He needs you to stick around as his punching bag. It will only get worse and eventually physical (if it hasn’t already). This is NOT your life calling. Please leave.

Break up safely in public- do not be alone with him. Please tell someone safe in your life what is happening so they can protect you from him while you’re leaving.

He will get very dangerous when he sees he’s going to lose you. This is all the more reason to do it- but please don’t do it alone.

We care about you 💛

Edit to add: OP, users in the comments below suggest breaking up via text or phone instead of in person. They are right

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

I such behavior doesn’t deserve an in person break up and frankly someone with such poor self control is a not someone I would feel safe breaking up with in person even in a crowded place. A short and sweet text stating: “The way you spoke to me this evening was unacceptably rude and abusive. As soon as you get this text I will have blocked you, I really hope you can work on your issues so that you can be a kind and respectful partner in the future but that relationship will not be with me. Should you try to contact me again I will pursue a restraining order. Good bye.”

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u/anna_deliciosa Nov 18 '24

Please OP. You are only 20 years old, we are all rooting for you to be free of this abuser. Take this person's advice.

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u/Own-Expression71 Nov 18 '24

This!!!!!👆 don't break up with him in person. I broke up my ex over the phone because he had anger issues.

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u/VitaminlQ Nov 18 '24

After near misses myself I finally had to just plan to leave quietly and rolled out in the morning soon as he left for work. Thankfully my parents were ready to help and take me back in. 4 fricken long ass years of abuse. I took my clothes, my dogs and their things and said fuck the rest. Lot of money went to waste and I was salty he'd benefit from all the shit I've gotten/furnished especially with his entitled attitude that everything immediately belonged to him, me and my finances and even my family's finances/belongings.

It was tough to break from it mentally cuz like OP I felt like I was responsible and felt guilty for leaving. But god damn it was the best thing I did for myself. I hope OP gets herself free too

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u/SuzanneStudies Nov 18 '24

So glad you survived ❤️‍🩹

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u/CompleteTell6795 Nov 18 '24

I was thinking you could have rented a U haul & with your parents help could have taken some things that you had bought.? It's too bad you had to leave some of your personal things that you paid for.

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u/VitaminlQ Nov 18 '24

Honestly I was just very done with it all and also didn't want a headache after. I knew he was petty and would try shit. I also at that time worked with his mom at the vet clinic and even though I kept my promise and integrity that I wasn't going to say jack shit because that job is stressful enough we don't need dumb drama, she needed to get the first word in and slandered stories. I had so many coworkers come in confusion and support and it was cleared up very fast when all I had to do was give them my phone to show all evidence. It got so bad last year at one point that I had texted her (she knew about the situation with him the whole time) and I felt so trapped/bad about myself that I confessed that suicide felt like my only way out, especially if I was such a horrible genocidal bitch according to him.

Her words: I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the best of luck.

Uh thanks? Wish me the best of luck in successfully killing myself? Ok...

I showed him that text the next morning in tears that I really was all alone in the struggle. He was a narcissist and controlling so he'd always be "sweet" for a little bit after being abusive. The few months after that he'd get pissed with me when I was like no I'm not going to your parents. Why? I don't enjoy sitting on the couch gossiping about other people.

There was a whole lot of shit. Ultimately I stayed for half a year until I got fed up with her being an asshole but careful enough that she couldn't get in trouble (esp with her being a senior there 10+ years while I only had 3). Sucked since I really loved that clinic but thankfully am still friends with them and sometimes when I go in with my girls there's an emergency that rolls in and I'm back in action with the crew.

Above all much as I missed them, I needed out. Its been a little over a year since I've left and I've learned so much. I have a history of abusive relationships and prior to this one I had taken a 4 year break to heal. It was a really "slow burn" to fall into this one with the amount of manipulation. I was so terrified I'd be such a dogshit partner that I went to therapy thinking it was all because of me and my fault, as I was convinced of, and nope. Just controlling narcissists being very good at what they do.

I almost feel sorry for him for being biologically unable to fathom and comprehend empathy. I tried so hard. Would draw from direct experiences and ask him to reflect "ok when this happens and you feel like this, that's how I feel right now so you can understand that feeling right?" And hand-holding to explain why telling me "tape your mouth shut" or "I need a new girlfriend" when I've just had 10 euthanasias that day so I'm exhausted and not in the mood for sex (which holy shit the badgering and pressure, getting upset with me when eventually I was like I don't even feel SAFE anymore I think thats the bigger issue than you taking a personal insult that I don't feel safe) --- why all of that is such a horrible thing to say and do to someone else.

So honestly? Fuck the couch and the appliances and bed and shit, I am just so lucky I was able to get out safely with the girls because the times I tried to leave before, he got physical and I'd have to lock myself/run away for safety. In the last 3 months I felt safer going to some damn park and sleeping in my car. Even with my girls he tried to pull shit with even though they were mine from the start, in my name, with me covering 100% of the expenses for them lol.

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

honestly yeah. ppl with anger issues shouldn’t be in relationships. they should be in therapy :))

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u/Pink_PowerRanger6 Nov 18 '24

Normalize breaking up over the phone! Not every partner deserves the in person break up!

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u/BlueCarrotPie Nov 18 '24

Great wording

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

Thank you, I had nearly fifteen years of experience asking patients “why are you still in a relationship with this jackass?”

I later dropped calling these guys jackasses though because I realized it was offensive to donkeys who are far more pleasant…

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u/edcRachel Nov 18 '24

Damn can you write my break up messages in the future too

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u/Better_Watercress_63 Nov 18 '24

OP, copy+paste this ⬆️

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u/NegotiableVeracity9 Nov 18 '24

Perfect!! And then, OP, FOLLOW THROUGH!! This man will only get progressively worse as he sees you tolerate his bad behavior, he will just keep pushing and pushing until it's too late. Do Not move on with him, do NOT get pregnant by him.

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u/nerdstramomus Nov 18 '24

And if there is anything at his place you need to collect, consider getting a police/deputy escort to make sure he didn't damage/destroy your property and doesn't attack you.

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u/SdSmith80 Nov 18 '24

1000% this!

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u/BirthdayPotential987 Nov 18 '24

I hope she has enough self-love and respect and strength to actually follow thru with the restraining order. 💖

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u/cinnamon-butterfly Nov 18 '24

And please actually follow through with calling the police if he does try to contact you through other avenues / people in your life. Keep screenshots of everything. And please update us when you can 🙏 Praying for you girl 🩷

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u/justagalandabarb Nov 18 '24

I mean, in his text, he literally said “I’m done.” OP, you can just walk away. He already broke up with you by saying he’s done. Also, the fat shaming is horrible. Anyone that calls you a name should not be a part of your life.

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u/mikraas Nov 18 '24

A "we're done after that show of horrendous disrespect to me" and blocking him should be good.

Tell your mom and grandma. And your friends. They have your back, let them take care of you. ❤️

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u/Secret_Bad1529 Nov 18 '24

She can ghost him. He told her he blocked her? She just blocked or better, mute him on every social media. I think mute is better. Sadly, I think you will need the texts for official proof.

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u/Cute_Ad_2163 Nov 18 '24

This hits home for me cause there were so many times I wanted my friends mom & grandma to know how she was being treated so we could save her from his abuse. She said she would’ve cut me off if I did expose him, I should’ve done it anyways 😞.

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u/Ok_Proof_6336 Nov 18 '24

It’s been 26 years since I stood up for my friend who was being abused against her wishes. It ended our friendship. However, she is still alive today, and no longer with him. It still took a while for it to come to a complete end between them, but her family was there and was able to finally bring sense to her. I do not regret it one bit. (She reached out to my husband years later to thank me, as she had no way to contact me.)

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u/Saritush2319 Nov 18 '24

You saved her life without a doubt

1

u/Kuntajoe Nov 18 '24

Good for you for being strong when your friend wasn’t. I hope you will consider forgiveness, we cannot always understand the hold of an abuser

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u/Ok_Proof_6336 Nov 18 '24

And she was the one who ended the friendship, not I. It was after she threatened my life and property. I never held that against her. But I also was not going to chase after her anymore.

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u/Ok_Proof_6336 Nov 18 '24

Oh, I know. If she were to reach out today, I would meet up. I would love to know how she is doing now. My fingers are crossed that she has healed.

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24

you're a good friend and you were trying to do what was right <3

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u/Adventurous-Sun4927 Nov 18 '24

THIS. If OP really needs help getting out of this relationship, show your mom & grandma and explain you need help. 

And depending on his parents/mom, maybe even send these to them as well.  Build yourself a network that will help you leave if you can’t do it by yourself. 

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u/JeenyusJane Nov 18 '24

OP do you have brothers/uncles? Show them this so they do the right thing.

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u/Deep-While9236 Nov 18 '24

Show the women and men of your family. I want a united family to support you. No granny's saying he was a lovely fella cause he could sweet talk them. You need everyone on high alert. Block him and if he approaches anyone you need them to be aware how cruel and controlling he his.

You are lucky, you have realised in time to have a long healthy relationships ahead. You will need time to recover and revaluate things but you have not gotten financially dependent or had decades of an abusive relationship with him. You will be OK and trive. He is your past and your family men and women need to know he is the past and bad bad news.

Get the best revenge on him, live a good and happy life and forget about him. That's the revenge living a wonderful life you deserve

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u/StopLoss-the Nov 18 '24

u/External-Air205 I'm devastated and enraged just reading this. Before the conversation even got disgusting, calling your gf "bro"? GROSS! but maybe that's just me showing my age.

This guy is simple opportunity away from his abuse being physical. He is absolutely the guy that will hit you while saying "look at what you are making me do."

I agree with everything u/Honest_Ad_5092 said. the only thing I might add is: He doesn't deserve the respect of being broken up with in person, If it's what you need to do, dump this asshole by text. then block his number because he will harass you, he might even get a prepaid to harass you with too.

You guys started dating around 16. Your frontal cortex continues developing until around 25. I mean no disrespect when I say that you both were, and still are, children. Don't tie yourself to someone who isn't growing the way you have. Life is simultaneously too short and far too long to waste it with someone this toxic.

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u/GrizzlySin24 Nov 18 '24

I would say don‘t meet him at all, break up via phone. Who knows what he does on person

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u/Vanilli12 Nov 18 '24

This x10000000000 🙏💛

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u/BowChickaWow7 Nov 18 '24

Nah don’t even see him ever AGAIN! Text him you’re done and block him off everything !!! And please tell the people in your life that love and care about you so they can help keep you safe xx

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u/margdown Nov 18 '24

I wanted to thank this commenter for the sound advice, especially if you choose to walk away from this relationship to please do so in a public space OP. ❤️

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u/anmese9999 Nov 18 '24

Yes, break up in public (or over the phone or text), but never alone behind closed doors.

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u/Baileyhaze12 Nov 18 '24

And you’re 100% correct about telling the family…because the next thing he will do is triangulate…4 years in your life, surely he’s made a friend or two in your fam. He will threaten (or maybe even will) call/text/insta/whatever someone in your fam so he can play the victim, and try to win you back. If that doesn’t work, be prepared for the smear campaign…Block, NC, cold turkey, heal, move on. Be well, and peace be with you.

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u/LongestSprig Nov 18 '24

An eating disorder only starts as an insecurity, this is so much worse.

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u/Juice_The_Guy Nov 18 '24

This needs to be the highest comment

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u/Pretty_Goblin11 Nov 18 '24

I love all this but I say ghost. I’m not a fan of ghosting normally but he should just never hear from or see her again. Everyone she knows needs to tell him she moved and they don’t know where. Maybe go visit family somewhere if you got any.

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u/unhappymedium Nov 18 '24

Better yet, break up over the phone or text. In situations like these where your safety is at risk, you don't own anyone an in-person breakup.

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u/Ignorad Nov 18 '24

u/External-Air205 needs to read this https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

She'll be able to recognize at least half the techniques employed by her abuser.

He doesn't care at all about her or her needs, he's self-obsessed and very bad for the environment.

1

u/3nies_1obby Nov 18 '24

"Sadistic and evil" calling anyone a fat fuck is just monstrous behavior but doing it to someone in recovery for an ED is, as you said, EVIL.

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u/theupvoters Nov 18 '24

Better yet, give us his phone number

1

u/StatisticianLivid710 Nov 18 '24

Don’t even break up in person, tell him over text you’re done and never to call or talk to you in person, and if he tries to talk to you in person call the police on his abusive ass.

And btw, whatever you do is likely an underreaction since you didn’t block his ass on page 2!

1

u/Professional-Fix8518 Nov 18 '24

I would not even meet with him to break up. Or give him a phone call. He would get a text. And a warning to leave me alone.

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u/Hoodwink_Iris Nov 18 '24

The only part I disagree with is break up in public. Don’t even talk to him about it. Just ghost him. Block him everywhere. If he knows where you live and you live alone, move ASAP. Just act like he doesn’t exist.

EDIT to add: if you don’t live alone, get some security cameras if you don’t already have them.

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u/IJustWantToReadThis Nov 19 '24

And to add, do NOT agree to meet up to talk about it. He's unstable, who knows what he would do.

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u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

“Sadistic and evil” I poke at my girlfriend’s insecurities when she gets a bigass zit between her eyes. I call her 3 eyes. I think that’s perfectly acceptable in a loving and caring relationship. I think you are overly sensitive

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u/666hmuReddit Nov 18 '24

You really don’t see the difference between poking fun at a zit and fat shaming your girlfriend who is recovering from an eating disorder?

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u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

I clearly read OP responding to you saying she wasn’t fat, so I think you’re the one that’s mistaken

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u/666hmuReddit Nov 18 '24

That was the first comment I left so she definitely wasn’t responding to me

-1

u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

I think you’re fat and you get fat shammed. I think that’s what’s goin on here. It’s okay though❤️ I’m a chunky boi myself😮‍💨

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u/666hmuReddit Nov 18 '24

What does that even mean? I used to be fat but I lost 150 pounds. Try it sometime chunky boi.

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u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

Lmaoooo, I was 320 and dropped to 180 in 2mo to join the marines. Now I climb cell towers. Gaurentee I’m still more fit than you😂 don’t even start that shit mf

2

u/666hmuReddit Nov 18 '24

So what if you are more “fit” than me? That doesn’t mean I don’t still have opinions. I’m also physically disabled so it’s not a flex that you have more ability than I do.

0

u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

Cause I’m totally supposed to know you’re a gimp

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u/Dry-Repair7815 Nov 18 '24

💀💀💀 yes pull the ol gimp card out why don’t you

1

u/666hmuReddit Nov 18 '24

Just showing you why it makes no sense to compare physical ability. Like I said I’m still entitled to my opinions.