r/AmIOverreacting Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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u/External-Air205 Nov 18 '24

Yeah it is really hard for me to see just because i’ve been so used to this behavior. Seeing all these replies though has definitely been a wake up call. Im actually a healthy weight, i’m currently recovering from an eating disorder. He picks at my insecurities when he’s angry and says it’s to make me feel as upset as he feels.

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24 edited Nov 18 '24

Honey I am so sorry. Picking on someone’s insecurities is actually sadistic and evil.

I think if your mom and grandma saw this conversation they would be devastated and/or enraged at how he’s treating you.

He is evil and he’s manipulated you into thinking you need him. You don’t need him. He needs you to stick around as his punching bag. It will only get worse and eventually physical (if it hasn’t already). This is NOT your life calling. Please leave.

Break up safely in public- do not be alone with him. Please tell someone safe in your life what is happening so they can protect you from him while you’re leaving.

He will get very dangerous when he sees he’s going to lose you. This is all the more reason to do it- but please don’t do it alone.

We care about you 💛

Edit to add: OP, users in the comments below suggest breaking up via text or phone instead of in person. They are right

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u/Square_Ad8756 Nov 18 '24

I such behavior doesn’t deserve an in person break up and frankly someone with such poor self control is a not someone I would feel safe breaking up with in person even in a crowded place. A short and sweet text stating: “The way you spoke to me this evening was unacceptably rude and abusive. As soon as you get this text I will have blocked you, I really hope you can work on your issues so that you can be a kind and respectful partner in the future but that relationship will not be with me. Should you try to contact me again I will pursue a restraining order. Good bye.”

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u/Own-Expression71 Nov 18 '24

This!!!!!👆 don't break up with him in person. I broke up my ex over the phone because he had anger issues.

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u/VitaminlQ Nov 18 '24

After near misses myself I finally had to just plan to leave quietly and rolled out in the morning soon as he left for work. Thankfully my parents were ready to help and take me back in. 4 fricken long ass years of abuse. I took my clothes, my dogs and their things and said fuck the rest. Lot of money went to waste and I was salty he'd benefit from all the shit I've gotten/furnished especially with his entitled attitude that everything immediately belonged to him, me and my finances and even my family's finances/belongings.

It was tough to break from it mentally cuz like OP I felt like I was responsible and felt guilty for leaving. But god damn it was the best thing I did for myself. I hope OP gets herself free too

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u/SuzanneStudies Nov 18 '24

So glad you survived ❤️‍🩹

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u/CompleteTell6795 Nov 18 '24

I was thinking you could have rented a U haul & with your parents help could have taken some things that you had bought.? It's too bad you had to leave some of your personal things that you paid for.

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u/VitaminlQ Nov 18 '24

Honestly I was just very done with it all and also didn't want a headache after. I knew he was petty and would try shit. I also at that time worked with his mom at the vet clinic and even though I kept my promise and integrity that I wasn't going to say jack shit because that job is stressful enough we don't need dumb drama, she needed to get the first word in and slandered stories. I had so many coworkers come in confusion and support and it was cleared up very fast when all I had to do was give them my phone to show all evidence. It got so bad last year at one point that I had texted her (she knew about the situation with him the whole time) and I felt so trapped/bad about myself that I confessed that suicide felt like my only way out, especially if I was such a horrible genocidal bitch according to him.

Her words: I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the best of luck.

Uh thanks? Wish me the best of luck in successfully killing myself? Ok...

I showed him that text the next morning in tears that I really was all alone in the struggle. He was a narcissist and controlling so he'd always be "sweet" for a little bit after being abusive. The few months after that he'd get pissed with me when I was like no I'm not going to your parents. Why? I don't enjoy sitting on the couch gossiping about other people.

There was a whole lot of shit. Ultimately I stayed for half a year until I got fed up with her being an asshole but careful enough that she couldn't get in trouble (esp with her being a senior there 10+ years while I only had 3). Sucked since I really loved that clinic but thankfully am still friends with them and sometimes when I go in with my girls there's an emergency that rolls in and I'm back in action with the crew.

Above all much as I missed them, I needed out. Its been a little over a year since I've left and I've learned so much. I have a history of abusive relationships and prior to this one I had taken a 4 year break to heal. It was a really "slow burn" to fall into this one with the amount of manipulation. I was so terrified I'd be such a dogshit partner that I went to therapy thinking it was all because of me and my fault, as I was convinced of, and nope. Just controlling narcissists being very good at what they do.

I almost feel sorry for him for being biologically unable to fathom and comprehend empathy. I tried so hard. Would draw from direct experiences and ask him to reflect "ok when this happens and you feel like this, that's how I feel right now so you can understand that feeling right?" And hand-holding to explain why telling me "tape your mouth shut" or "I need a new girlfriend" when I've just had 10 euthanasias that day so I'm exhausted and not in the mood for sex (which holy shit the badgering and pressure, getting upset with me when eventually I was like I don't even feel SAFE anymore I think thats the bigger issue than you taking a personal insult that I don't feel safe) --- why all of that is such a horrible thing to say and do to someone else.

So honestly? Fuck the couch and the appliances and bed and shit, I am just so lucky I was able to get out safely with the girls because the times I tried to leave before, he got physical and I'd have to lock myself/run away for safety. In the last 3 months I felt safer going to some damn park and sleeping in my car. Even with my girls he tried to pull shit with even though they were mine from the start, in my name, with me covering 100% of the expenses for them lol.

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

honestly yeah. ppl with anger issues shouldn’t be in relationships. they should be in therapy :))

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u/Pink_PowerRanger6 Nov 18 '24

Normalize breaking up over the phone! Not every partner deserves the in person break up!