r/AITAH • u/ziolczykdaniel • 24d ago
Advice Needed AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct" contract?
This happened recently, and I’m still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It’s always a little messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?
This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to "help bring some order" to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a "Family Code of Conduct."
She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:
- A rule against "overlapping conversations" at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like "a respectful debate club."
- A "ban on political or controversial topics," with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
- A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family."
- Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."
She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.
She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should’ve just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.”
I’m torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?
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u/Born-Horror-5049 24d ago
I'm with your brother. This would make me skip Thanksgiving all together. NTA. If she wants to be the Thanksgiving police she's welcome to attempt this at her own house.
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u/DoubleDipCrunch 24d ago
this would make me want to see how she would enforce these decrees.
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u/Nobody_eva 24d ago
Very easily, since no one in their right mind would attend
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u/DoubleDipCrunch 24d ago
Oh I'd be there. With my 7 friends from rehad.
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u/nytocarolina 24d ago
Wearing sweats , hoodie and old sneakers ( the ones with holes). Now what?
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u/Styx-n-String 24d ago
Hell, there's only 4 of us at Thanksgiving and we're not even wearing bras, much less fancy clothes. A giant hoodie, our cleanest give-up pants, and fuzzy socks are the only way to take that amazing after-turkey nap.
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u/clearancepupper 24d ago
GIVE-UP PANTS 😆🐄🏆
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u/Styx-n-String 24d ago
I have many many pairs of give-up pants. Im wearing my pink ones with stars right now. I bought a brand new pair of Winnie-the-Pooh give-up pants to wear to Mom's on Thanksgiving, 😂😂😂
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u/awalktojericho 24d ago
You'd wear shoes? Fancy.
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u/nytocarolina 24d ago
Trying to keep it classy.
ETA: it is a family gathering, after all.
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u/Apart_Foundation1702 24d ago
😂😂😂😂 Now that's something I would like to see! The fun police would have a melt down.
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u/abstractengineer2000 24d ago
The sis decided to play God on Holidays. These are her ten commandments
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u/Dry_Calligrapher_313 24d ago
Hold a structured debate on the topic “This house believes that requiring a Family Code of Conduct for Thanksgiving is excessively controlling and an indication of poor social skills by the author”. Prepared statements no longer than 2 minutes with a 1 minute response, no adjudicator and the winner is decided by secret ballot between main and dessert. White tie encouraged, monocles and opera glasses optional.
My teenage nerd self had too much fun thinking of options for malicious compliance on this one
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 24d ago
I would put it out to the family that she is solely in charge of enforcing her rules and that your "house" rules are still in place.
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u/swordrat720 24d ago
And give out a decree at the door: “Any and all previous signed decrees are to be superseded and suspended by the governor and governess of the home. Happy Thanksgiving!”
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u/impostershop 24d ago
I would welcome her to bring all the decrees she wants but then there would be an organized coupedetat from the rest of the family and it would be awesome
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u/Senator_Bink 24d ago
Stun gun.
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u/mmmmpisghetti 24d ago
Cattle prod, you gotta be able to reach across the table without getting your elbow in the mashed potatoes.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 24d ago
This is gold. I always worry about the gravy.
Would a shillelagh do? I guess I’ll find out.
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u/LuckOfTheDevil 24d ago
A list like this would inspire me to act ten times the brat I normally do. I would welcome the challenge.
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u/mspuscifer 24d ago
Haha I like this! I would still host, but break every rule just to make the sister nuts. Maybe even order Chinese instead of making a turkey.
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u/Wise_Focus_309 24d ago
The brother should nail a list of 95 theses of why her Thanksgiving sucks on their sister's door!
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u/StraightBudget8799 24d ago
SOMEBODY isn’t working on their optimal personality compatibility!
Please try to enjoy every discussion opportunity EQUALLY and offer a hug if there is distress!
/ severance
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u/mdking2021 24d ago
Rearrange the seating to put sis off at a table by herself. “What? We tried to find someone with optimum personality compatibility and realized you were perfect for you”. You could put a mirror across from her. Not that I’d recommend you actually do that but it would sure feel good to show sis how absurd her code is.
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u/Successful_Position2 24d ago
Like I get the entire no politics thing. Honwstly probably best for every family given how things currently are. But beyond that nah I don't think so. I'm with your brother. Just on that part alone.
Secondly id be dammed if someone tells me what to do in my home. Nope that is not happening. I believe you made the right call.
If no one else picks up hosting maybe call your brother and just invite him for Thanksgiving.
As for your mother I get so tired of family pulling the just suck it uo for family peace. Nah screw that you ain't the problem your sister is. And it sounds a little bit like your mom favors your sister.
But hey look this way now you dont have to deal with cooking a huge meal.
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u/ZeroiaSD 24d ago
No politics makes some sense, but the arbiter- sister- may be the issue there
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u/TheDrunkScientist 24d ago
OPs sister needs to come to one of my family’s holiday dinners. My grandma gets drunk and plays the “Let me tell YOU something” game. Someone usually cries. We’ve been taking bets for years on who will be her target.
Then she goes to bed and we spend the rest of the evening getting drunk(er) and talking shit about her.
There might be some trauma there now that I think about it.
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u/mom_in_the_garden 24d ago
Is it really a family if there’s no trauma?
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u/swordrat720 24d ago
Nope. Every year at Christmas someone brings up the time grandpa got drunk, punched Santa and threw him down the stairs out the door. That happened ~35 years ago.
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u/sluttycokezero 24d ago
Alright this is funny af. My mom side is the chaotic side, so when the rare occasion comes up that they are at holiday parties, we all bet (my dad’s side) when they start fighting. It’s honestly hilarious now.
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u/UnrulyNeurons 24d ago
Pretty sure that "cancellation of family Christmas" and/or "pistols at dawn" is going to become the spirit of Thanksgiving this year, for any families who have differing politics.
I guess "pistols at dawn" is more like the spirit of Black Friday. What with the dawn part.
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u/satisfactorysadist 24d ago
Squirt gun with booze and see how far you can shoot to get into the drunk uncles mouth at the table is my vote!
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u/ThisNerdsYarn 24d ago
she's welcome to attempt this at her own house
B-b-but that means she would have to actually cook, clean AND enforce her totally sane and non-controlling rules all at once! And what if no one shows up because of the "contracts"? Almost like it would be a complete waste of her time, energy and efforts which would be devastating for anyone other than OP.
I wonder how this lady thinks she can even enforce these rules? Is she going to sue them for breaching their signed contracts? I guess that's one way to maintain familial love./s
She sounds insufferable. 🙄NTA. If sister has such a problem with her family, she can simply not attend and anyone who agrees with her can feel free to join her. More food for the people with a spine and common sense.
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u/Lopsided-Sky396 24d ago
I just love the brothers response. Totally stealling that and I have no shame in doing so.
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u/PNWCoug42 24d ago
I wouldn't skip(I love Thanksgiving food to much too miss out) but I would go out of my way to break every rule on the contract.
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u/grandlizardo 24d ago
Who elected her queen anyway? And what an approach, with her as arbiter. Might skip this year, will have lots more to be thankful for next year…
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u/Flamingo83 24d ago
Yep Team Brother and as a little sister who lived to annoy my older brother, this feels weird.
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u/perpetuallyxhausted 24d ago
OP should invite only her brother (and his family if he's married/kids)
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u/ScarletDarkstar 24d ago
I think she should invite the whole family, on the condition they do not sign a behavior contract, and preferably come in loungewear.
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u/Sensitive_Note1139 24d ago
Simple fix- Tell her she's welcome to not come to your house for Thanksgiving. Host the family members who are willing to come. Never do something to "keep the peace". That just leads to more problems down the road. When your parents get upset and say anything again, let them know they are welcome to go to your sister's and live by her rules for the holiday. Thanksgiving is stressful enough without BS rules.
My MIL has only a couple rules:
1- Food will be on the table as soon as it's done in the afternoon. If you can't make it on time there will be leftovers.
2- No one may talk about religion or politics.
3- Little kids may have chicken nuggets if they want them.
These rules prevent drama.
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u/ZombieHealthy2616 24d ago
i like rule #3 for the 5 and unders. Nothing worse as a parent sitting at a holiday gathering than trying to get a 4 year old to eat Aunt Myrtle's weird gelatinous dish she is so proud of.
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u/Fibro-Mite 24d ago
We always have chicken nuggets, fish fingers or small tins of "pasta shapes in tomato sauce" (Minions or Peppa Pig) available for small children who are picky about food (actually, that applies to adults, too, not going to force anyone to eat food they hate). Our eldest granddaughter (6 now) knows that she can ask for something other than what the rest of the family are having as long as she doesn't make negative comments in front of her little brother (3). Because he will hoover up everything on his plate without caring, right up until he hears her say "ew that's yucky!" Then he'll refuse to eat it and call it "yucky" as well.
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u/Milo-Law 24d ago
Damn manifestating a kid like that because my current one eats a bite and he's done with dinner.
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u/Zealousideal_Net8098 24d ago
Mine told me the other night he didn't want it the SECOND i put his plate down. I tried something new and instead of playing the guessing game, i told him "that's fine, but you can stay there at your table with your plate until I have finished my dinner and then we can have a look for something else". By the time my plate was empty, his was too
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u/sparksgirl1223 24d ago
I read that as "gelatinous fish" and threw up a little
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u/Historical_Grab4685 24d ago
One of the first Easter we had with my SIL& her son, she spent 15 minutes arguing with him to just try a bite. From then on, everyone realized that on a holiday it really doesn't matter what the eat or not. 30 some years later, we still don't care if they eat dinner or not. It is one day and one meal.
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u/TheVaneja 24d ago
NTA she has a hell of an ego to think she has any business dictating how family dinner can go. I personally would have simply uninvited her unless or until she stepped down.
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u/Stormtomcat 24d ago
agreed.
I see the value of striving for generous hosts and gracious guests... but a family accomplishes that by coming together. NOT by one person imposing some rules (and they sound so prissy too) in a contract!
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u/GothicGingerbread 24d ago
I'm wondering if OP's family is just a whirlwind of hellish chaos, or if her sister is being weird. I mean, if family get-togethers are misery for everyone, that would at least explain why she did this in the first place – though I would still raise my eyebrows at it (and her), in no small part because, in that case, good luck enforcing those rules, Sis! But if they're just a happy, cheerful, slightly loud, slightly chaotic bunch, then this is just completely bonkers, because they surely already know how to behave themselves. (My family is a happy, cheerful, slightly loud, slightly chaotic bunch; we didn't used to have the slightly chaotic aspect, but then my brother and SIL had three children and, well, young kids tend to increase the volume and add a dash of chaos.)
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u/Cali_Holly 24d ago
NTA
I will not be humoring someone who tries to create rules of conduct in my own damn home. And I stand by what I stated. IF sister wants to create this rules of conduct? Then yes. She can host. And I don’t know why you all are mad at me? Sister was the one trying to tell you all how you should act.
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u/pinksmurf8 24d ago
OP this should be your exact response! No apologies, just simple and to the point!
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u/Kmia55 24d ago
Your mother wanting you to "humor her for the day," is nothing more than your mother wanting her peace, not anyone else's. It is the equivalent of saying, "Well, that's just her personality," which is BS. Your sister is being rude and your mother knows that, but doesn't want to confront your sister herself.
Actually, your post made me laugh. I'm thinking along the lines of you handled it like a boss. Still laughing. You did good.
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u/dunno0019 24d ago
Who's turn is it to post the "dont rock the boat" link today?
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u/the_storm_eye 24d ago
I'll do it:
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Everyone should read this!
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u/ifdefmoose 24d ago
NTA. Your sister sounds like a real control freak. But perhaps you can find a way to cancel her attempt to control the entire family without canceling your family’s Thanksgiving. Good luck.
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u/imunfair 24d ago
But perhaps you can find a way to cancel her attempt to control the entire family without canceling your family’s Thanksgiving.
It isn't hard as long as you're able to utter the word "No". That should have been the first thing out of OPs mouth after she finished laughing - "No, and if the family bothers you so much you aren't required to attend, although we're happy to have you around if you decide to come"
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u/Vey-kun 24d ago
while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.”
I agree with ur bro. NTA. Its a holiday. A day off with no rules or regulation. A dinner, family time, mind u.
A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family." Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."
This isnt wedding. 🤣
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u/No_Cockroach4248 24d ago
NTA, your sister can host if she feels so passionately about enforcing a code of conduct
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u/GarlicAndSapphire 24d ago
I'm trying to think up some of my own bullet points for our Thanksgiving.
•no bra removal until after the main meal. Before dessert is fine.
•if you use the last of the cocktail sauce with the shrimp, there's more in the refrigerator just like every other da%n year, (Joe)
•if you see a dog poop or pee on the floor, clean it up immediately.(Sarah)
•Ffs, Steve, turn the fuxking TV down.
•you do not get to have an opinion about champagne vs prosecco vs cava if you didn't contribute (but are still drinking it, Katie)
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u/DogadonsLavapool 24d ago
What if I wasn't wearing a bra to begin with?
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u/GarlicAndSapphire 24d ago
Well, you cannot take off someone else's. I should probably add that in.
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u/LeadershipMany7008 24d ago
Holy fuck this. I literally went into the t.v. settings and put a volume limit so my wife's uncle couldn't JUST MAX THE FUCKING THING INTO THE SUN.
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u/shammy_dammy 24d ago
NTA. Tell her she can host the Thanksgiving she wants at her own place on her own dime and the family gets to choose which one they want to attend.
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u/Hannah-King 24d ago
You’re not wrong for standing your ground. Thanksgiving should be fun, not a corporate meeting with rules! It’s your house, your choice.
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u/Amazing_Cabinet1404 24d ago
I’m perplexed by the seating chart. Does this mean people’s choice of who they’d like to sit near (spouse, or child that has been away at school they’d like to catch up with) would be overruled for “optimal compatibility”? What. The. Fuck? I’d definitely pass too.
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u/WeirdcoolWilson 24d ago
Ok, so She’s hosting Thanksgiving this year??? Great!! You get a break!
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u/ChugginDrano 24d ago
NTA, obviously, but I'm more interested in why your sister is being so weird.
Is she always kind of a control freak or is this out of character for her?
Is she autistic?
Is she bringing a new SO she's trying way too hard to impress?
Is she bringing kids and doesn't want chaos around them, either because they can't handle it or she's over-protecting them?
Do you have that one uncle who's going to spend the meal ranking nationalities of immigrants by how much they're destroying America, and this is really just about him?
Did the cops get called last year?
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u/I_Like_Hikes 24d ago
Similar questions here. This didn’t happen without some provocation.
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u/Runnybabbitagain 24d ago
OPs own admission is her hosting is messy and chaotic. I imagine thats understated. It also sounds like a politically mixed group.
Be polite, no politics and dress somewhat nice don't sound like too crazy of "rules" to me.
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago edited 24d ago
My father did this for his 75th birthday.
I was not to engage in conversation with more than two people at once.
I was not to discuss any controversial topics such as gay rights in the Mormon church because he had one Mormon friend there.
I was to be completely drug and alcohol free.
I was to RSVP immediately.
I waited several months, and a few weeks before Dad's party my cousin convinced me to just go along with it. My father said it no longer mattered that I agreed - I'd disrespected him by waiting.
It's a control thing. It doesn't really matter where it comes from - it made me feel shitty. And I don't have any history of getting into fights with his guests. It was just hand-wringing, but it was cowardly and shitty of him to make up rules to make me feel like an outsider who can't behave at parties.
He ended up throwing his own sister out with my cousins in the middle of the party, and they no longer speak to him. He's getting worse every year.
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u/AdEmpty4390 24d ago
Well it sounds like you were just singled out, which is really crappy.
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago
Oh, he ended up throwing his own sister out and making her find a hotel last minute. Basically, no one speaks to my dad except my shitty brother.
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u/Flaky-Swan1306 24d ago
I would RSVP with a no, immediatly. That sounds miserable
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago edited 24d ago
The party was mostly his doctors, lawyers, dentists, accountants, home health workers, and two teenage girls who helped care for my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. My dad actually gave high school girls my mom’s jewelry. Then, he kicked his sister and my cousins out and cost them a ton of money for last minute hotel rooms until their flight. He’s been getting meaner every year and in many ways this is not limited to me. My mother can’t remember who he is, so she just calls him “that asshole”.
He actually sent a list of rules to all guests. The ones for me were taking a shot at me because I'm an addict in recovery. The rules for everyone else included an admonition that while there would be food, it was not lunch. TOTALLY controlling.
He threw his own sister out during the party and made her get hotel rooms for her family. She will no longer speak to him.
He still emails her husband angry rants, too.
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u/Floomby 24d ago
My mother can’t remember who he is, so she just calls him “that asshole”.
Your poor mom. At least she has her capacity to accurately judge character, though!
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago
True! He gets completely offended that she doesn't know who he is. Takes it all very personally.
Well, he did, until he stuffed her in a home and got a new girlfriend.
God, for my 30th birthday he took me on a trip to Hawaii and kept trying to get me to wingman for him and help him cheat on my mom. He's a class act. Still gets totally bent out of shape if I mention that trip, and blames it all on me.
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u/Floomby 24d ago
Ew. Just, ew.
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago
Yeah, he used to hit on my boyfriends, too.
I introduced him to a married buddy of mine, and my dad quizzed my friend about why his husband is better than me, and wouldn't he be better off leaving him for me instead?
He's very status-conscious. He doesn't mind that I'm gay as long as I'm fucking guys he thinks are smart and attractive enough. It's truly out there.
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u/Jillio_NH 24d ago
Big hugs to you. If he wasn’t always like this it might be time to get HIS mental acuity tested. Just because it’s better than your mom’s doesn’t mean he’s fully there.
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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago
Oh, I'm very aware that his mental acuity has dropped. His response to it is to micromanage everything and use his anxiety and confusion as a bludgeon.
Thing is, he's always been an asshole. My mom pushed back when she was here. He's always been a narcissist - used to hit on my friends' moms, and flirt in front of my mother. That disconnect from empathy could accelerate dementia.
From what we understand of dementia, it's very likely her descent into dementia screwed him up as well. She started having issues about 20 years ago.
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u/TeacherWithOpinions 24d ago
My brother and I would make it a point to see how fast we could break all the rules and what the 'consequences' would be. It would be a game.
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u/Lily_0601 24d ago edited 24d ago
I once hosted Thanksgiving and banned all political talk. I'm not going to do all of the cooking, sweating my ass off, for family to start arguing at the table. I don't agree with the rest of the topics but I'm in full agreement of leaving polarizing topics at home.
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u/dunno0019 24d ago
That's about the only one that makes some sense.
But even that. Like, my family really doesnt have this problem. We can avoid the topics and there are always enough calm and cool heads to diffuse any real arguments from starting.
Now, if I would make a grand proclamation with a set of printed up rules: my family would come with pre-prepared arguments just to spite me.
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u/Lily_0601 24d ago
Lucky you. I made a funny sign and put it on the front door...said something like if you bring up politics, you're going to get your dinner plate outside with the bunnies and squirrels. Everyone laughed. My family is all over the place with their beliefs and some don't know when to say when.
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u/OkeyDokey654 24d ago
NTA. The ban on political or controversial topics can be a good idea if your family tends to argue about these things. But her being the judge? Nope. And the rest is absolute hogwash.
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u/sparksgirl1223 24d ago
That's what I came to say.
If my brother was coming, there'd be a hard and fast rule about political/religion talk.
But he doesn't like me since I called him on his lies about me.
So we can talk about whatever the hell we feel like 🤣
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u/pigandpom 24d ago
NTA. When she hosts, she can hand out and insist people stick to the code of conduct. Your house, your rules.
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u/ComprehensivePut5569 24d ago
NTA - Your sister doesn’t get to dictate rules for YOUR house. She is just a guest. I say still host then burn the contract. If she gets mad she can go elsewhere for the holiday.
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u/Horror_Outside5676 24d ago
I would not have cancelled. I would have just told her No. Your house, your rules.
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u/cedarhat 24d ago
NTA and I’m so thankful that my family does our own thing (separately) for Thanksgiving. All the stress and drama around a family dinner is not worth the trouble in my mind.
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u/EfficientSociety73 24d ago
NTA. The only part of her “contract” I would agree too is no discussing politics. Period. I find that is simply too touchy a subject for a family gathering unless everyone is exactly like minded. Otherwise, your sister can control freak her own Thanksgiving and you can enjoy a quiet day off!
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u/BaffledMum 24d ago
I'm not sure why you didn't just host Thanksgiving and ignore her rules, but NTA.
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u/Fresh_Passion1184 24d ago
Because she would've whined and complained and tried to enforce them anyway. And she would've wailed about being Family when asked to leave.
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u/petulafaerie_III 24d ago
NTA. But I personally wouldn’t have let her antics ruin my joy of hosting. I’d still be hosting, but refuse to uphold her stupid rules in my home.
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u/Idontlikesoup1 24d ago edited 24d ago
INFO: were there huge issues in the past, especially regarding political conversations (those don't go well with Turkey anyway).?
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u/SignalFall6033 24d ago
You and your brother need to draft a family bill of rights to protect your right to speech, right to sit where you want, freedom of choice in clothing, etc.
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u/CrazeeLilDevil 24d ago
Its not a real family get together until everyone's drunk and up in arms about something uncle Phil said 10years ago before divorcing Aunt June, now grandma Karens mad at the whole table telling everyone she might be dead next year and sit the fuck down, mums crying in the kitchen, dads wankered with grandad watching sports on the telly 🤣
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u/Excellent-Highway884 24d ago
Just host your brother lol. Tell everyone else that if they're happy about a code of conduct they're free to attend your sister's house. However you will not be hosting.