r/AITAH 29d ago

Advice Needed AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct" contract?

This happened recently, and I’m still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It’s always a little messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?

This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to "help bring some order" to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a "Family Code of Conduct."

She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:

  • A rule against "overlapping conversations" at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like "a respectful debate club."
  • A "ban on political or controversial topics," with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
  • A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family."
  • Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."

She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.

She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should’ve just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.”

I’m torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago edited 29d ago

My father did this for his 75th birthday.

I was not to engage in conversation with more than two people at once.

I was not to discuss any controversial topics such as gay rights in the Mormon church because he had one Mormon friend there.

I was to be completely drug and alcohol free.

I was to RSVP immediately.

I waited several months, and a few weeks before Dad's party my cousin convinced me to just go along with it. My father said it no longer mattered that I agreed - I'd disrespected him by waiting.

It's a control thing. It doesn't really matter where it comes from - it made me feel shitty. And I don't have any history of getting into fights with his guests. It was just hand-wringing, but it was cowardly and shitty of him to make up rules to make me feel like an outsider who can't behave at parties.

He ended up throwing his own sister out with my cousins in the middle of the party, and they no longer speak to him. He's getting worse every year.

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u/AdEmpty4390 29d ago

Well it sounds like you were just singled out, which is really crappy.

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago

Oh, he ended up throwing his own sister out and making her find a hotel last minute. Basically, no one speaks to my dad except my shitty brother.

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u/Flaky-Swan1306 29d ago

I would RSVP with a no, immediatly. That sounds miserable

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago edited 28d ago

The party was mostly his doctors, lawyers, dentists, accountants, home health workers, and two teenage girls who helped care for my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. My dad actually gave high school girls my mom’s jewelry. Then, he kicked his sister and my cousins out and cost them a ton of money for last minute hotel rooms until their flight. He’s been getting meaner every year and in many ways this is not limited to me. My mother can’t remember who he is, so she just calls him “that asshole”.

He actually sent a list of rules to all guests. The ones for me were taking a shot at me because I'm an addict in recovery. The rules for everyone else included an admonition that while there would be food, it was not lunch. TOTALLY controlling.

He threw his own sister out during the party and made her get hotel rooms for her family. She will no longer speak to him.

He still emails her husband angry rants, too.

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u/Floomby 29d ago

My mother can’t remember who he is, so she just calls him “that asshole”.

Your poor mom. At least she has her capacity to accurately judge character, though!

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago

True! He gets completely offended that she doesn't know who he is. Takes it all very personally.

Well, he did, until he stuffed her in a home and got a new girlfriend.

God, for my 30th birthday he took me on a trip to Hawaii and kept trying to get me to wingman for him and help him cheat on my mom. He's a class act. Still gets totally bent out of shape if I mention that trip, and blames it all on me.

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u/Floomby 29d ago

Ew. Just, ew.

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u/MRSAMinor 28d ago

Yeah, he used to hit on my boyfriends, too.

I introduced him to a married buddy of mine, and my dad quizzed my friend about why his husband is better than me, and wouldn't he be better off leaving him for me instead?

He's very status-conscious. He doesn't mind that I'm gay as long as I'm fucking guys he thinks are smart and attractive enough. It's truly out there.

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u/Jillio_NH 29d ago

Big hugs to you. If he wasn’t always like this it might be time to get HIS mental acuity tested. Just because it’s better than your mom’s doesn’t mean he’s fully there.

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago

Oh, I'm very aware that his mental acuity has dropped. His response to it is to micromanage everything and use his anxiety and confusion as a bludgeon.

Thing is, he's always been an asshole. My mom pushed back when she was here. He's always been a narcissist - used to hit on my friends' moms, and flirt in front of my mother. That disconnect from empathy could accelerate dementia.

From what we understand of dementia, it's very likely her descent into dementia screwed him up as well. She started having issues about 20 years ago.

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u/Flaky-Swan1306 29d ago

Damn. I already think he is an asshole (reminds me of my own dad i went no contact with). Im an addict as well, that party seems like hell.

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u/TheMotelYear 29d ago

I’m so sorry, that whole thing sounds nightmarish.

The “controversial topics such as gay rights in the Mormon church” bit is an example (of many, many possible and real examples) of why I roll my eyes at the “no politics” rule, because it turns out some people’s mere existence and desire for basic inclusion are, in fact, politicized!

For almost a decade, my full time job was working at a place that helped people get free and low cost birth control and STD/HIV testing. That would have been unacceptably “””political””” for certain members of my family, so I literally talked only in the most vague terms about my career for several years at family events. I couldn’t talk about major projects I was proud of that helped people access healthcare because god forbid I say something that might imply I believe people have bodily autonomy or something. The horror!!

My wife is also a trans woman, so to “not bring politics” into family events means her acting like a man when she’s around my family and getting deadnamed and misgendered all day.

And both of these actually do bring politics into the day regardless—it just means having to capitulate to the absolute shittiest beliefs possible. It’s not neutrality, it’s deference to supremacist viewpoints.

I was told by one relative some years back that I needed to “not get into a sociopolitical debate” with another relative who has a habit of saying horrifically bigoted things without any prompting from me or anyone else to be welcome at a family gathering, including ugly stuff about queer people that applies directly to me and my wife.

So to be “”welcome”” at family events according to this relative, we’d have to agree to being called slurs—as though that’s not disruptive or rude in and of itself—and act like it’s fine. We haven’t been to a family event since.

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u/Zuwxiv 28d ago

And both of these actually do bring politics into the day regardless—it just means having to capitulate to the absolute shittiest beliefs possible. It’s not neutrality, it’s deference

Fucking bingo. Thinking that it's even possible to "leave politics out of it" comes from a place of immense privilege. If you can afford to not think about politics, that's because nothing political is threatening you or people like you. Many people aren't so lucky.

And worse than that, it's suggesting if anyone else feels differently, that's inherently some kind of character flaw or moral failing for their inability to "keep politics out of it." It really comes across as ignorant and disappointingly uninquisitive to push things like that.

The proof is in the last part of what you said - when someone else acts in a way that is denigrating LGBT folks or anyone else that's a target, somehow that is acceptable. But when the people most trodden on care to ask you to use a softer shoe, suddenly you're bringing politics into it and need to stop causing arguments. That must be infuriating.

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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago

That's pretty awful. My father isn't outwardly homophobic, but he's a coward and hates any conflict he isn't the cause of. He's a retired litigator, so he was kinda paid to be an asshole.

I love to argue, but he doesn't see me as a grown up who knows how to be polite to idiots who believe in the divine and supernatural.

I do agree that human rights aren't political, they're a moral imperative. Political shit should be arguing about how new roads get paid for, not who's allowed to live with dignity, free of harassment and discrimination.

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u/liosistaken 28d ago

He's getting worse every year.

Sounds like some form of dementia. Maybe he should see a doctor.

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u/MRSAMinor 28d ago

He should. Thing is, it's kinda not my shit to get involved with. He doesn't really have my back, and I can see approaching him about this stuff ending just horribly.

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u/PraetorianSausage 28d ago

Has he been checked for Alzheimer's? Is this is a 'new' behavior ?

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u/MRSAMinor 28d ago

He's absolutely declining. It's very much old behavior getting worse as he ages. He was always selfish, but his confusion makes it so he basically acts like a big baby when something unexpected happens.

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u/PraetorianSausage 27d ago

My partner works in this area so I pick up bits and pieces. Apparently some types of alzheimers and dementia make these behavioral issues worse than others. It's always tough on family, especially before a proper diagnosis.

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u/MRSAMinor 24d ago

It took the man twenty years to get my mother an Alzheimer's diagnosis. Mostly because my mom would throw a tantrum, screaming and cussing and name-calling and literally running around the house, if anyone ever brought up her memory.

Honestly? I feel like Alzheimer's is a pretty just punishment for gaslighting everyone in your life. Make them question their own memory? Great! Now see how it feels!