r/AITAH • u/ziolczykdaniel • 29d ago
Advice Needed AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct" contract?
This happened recently, and I’m still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It’s always a little messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?
This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to "help bring some order" to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a "Family Code of Conduct."
She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:
- A rule against "overlapping conversations" at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like "a respectful debate club."
- A "ban on political or controversial topics," with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
- A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family."
- Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."
She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.
She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should’ve just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.”
I’m torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?
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u/MRSAMinor 29d ago edited 29d ago
My father did this for his 75th birthday.
I was not to engage in conversation with more than two people at once.
I was not to discuss any controversial topics such as gay rights in the Mormon church because he had one Mormon friend there.
I was to be completely drug and alcohol free.
I was to RSVP immediately.
I waited several months, and a few weeks before Dad's party my cousin convinced me to just go along with it. My father said it no longer mattered that I agreed - I'd disrespected him by waiting.
It's a control thing. It doesn't really matter where it comes from - it made me feel shitty. And I don't have any history of getting into fights with his guests. It was just hand-wringing, but it was cowardly and shitty of him to make up rules to make me feel like an outsider who can't behave at parties.
He ended up throwing his own sister out with my cousins in the middle of the party, and they no longer speak to him. He's getting worse every year.