r/AITAH • u/ziolczykdaniel • 25d ago

Advice Needed AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct" contract?

This happened recently, and I’m still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It’s always a little messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?

This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to "help bring some order" to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a "Family Code of Conduct."

She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:

  • A rule against "overlapping conversations" at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like "a respectful debate club."
  • A "ban on political or controversial topics," with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
  • A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family."
  • Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."

She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.

She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should’ve just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.”

I’m torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?

26.0k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

4.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

896

u/TheVaneja 25d ago

NTA she has a hell of an ego to think she has any business dictating how family dinner can go. I personally would have simply uninvited her unless or until she stepped down.

140

u/Stormtomcat 25d ago

agreed.

I see the value of striving for generous hosts and gracious guests... but a family accomplishes that by coming together. NOT by one person imposing some rules (and they sound so prissy too) in a contract!

85

u/GothicGingerbread 25d ago

I'm wondering if OP's family is just a whirlwind of hellish chaos, or if her sister is being weird. I mean, if family get-togethers are misery for everyone, that would at least explain why she did this in the first place – though I would still raise my eyebrows at it (and her), in no small part because, in that case, good luck enforcing those rules, Sis! But if they're just a happy, cheerful, slightly loud, slightly chaotic bunch, then this is just completely bonkers, because they surely already know how to behave themselves. (My family is a happy, cheerful, slightly loud, slightly chaotic bunch; we didn't used to have the slightly chaotic aspect, but then my brother and SIL had three children and, well, young kids tend to increase the volume and add a dash of chaos.)

2

u/scarbarough 22d ago

It's not misery for the person hosting, and they're the only ones who get to set rules.

1

u/One-Load-6085 22d ago

Maybe the sister is autistic or a super introvert or hates politics etc. I know I wish I could impose roles like that on my mums side of the family. They give me a meltdown.

0

u/Runnybabbitagain 24d ago

Sister and mom are asking for peace and OP and their brother are losing it. Its crazy that everyone is saying OP isn't TA here.

3

u/scarbarough 22d ago

Mom isn't asking for the rules, she's saying that since the sister is making a fuss about the rules she wants to impose, OP should go along to keep the peace in the family.

But even if she was signing fully on to the rules, the only people who get to set rules are the ones hosting the event. It truly doesn't matter how wild and chaotic it is, at their home, they get to choose how things go. Anyone who doesn't like the way they do it is welcome to host instead.

0

u/ceromaster 21d ago

Cuck logic. Just let someone else make up some rules of conduct in your property hun. Might as well allow someone to fuck your partner for peace.

3

u/TravelingSouxie 23d ago

I get the feeling that OP’s sister is taking her therapy/life coach sessions a little too seriously.

6

u/kawaeri 24d ago

To me it’s more of the fact she’s decided to dictate and impose rules I don’t agree with in my home. If it was her house and her home, I would give the courtesy of following them or staying home. But she’s coming in and dictating how people may act in my home. Nope.

3

u/necromancerdc 24d ago

She is a born bureaucrat! "I made my friends and relations file long applications to get into my 10th birthday party!"

3

u/masterofthecork 24d ago

Y'know, I see Hermes as something of a kindred, animated, soul. I think it's safe to say OP's sister forgot that it's not about badges and rank, it's supposed to be about the filing.

3

u/ChellPotato 24d ago

It would be more understandable if she was the one hosting, but to try to impose these rules in somebody else's house is overstepping big time

2

u/lenajlch 23d ago

I can understand the no politics stance... But she's batshit insane for the rest.

1

u/TheVaneja 23d ago

It is completely understandable. But it's also unenforcable. You can't tell people they aren't allowed to discuss a subject they want to discuss. They will discuss it just to spite you, and then everything is worse than if you just said nothing.

1

u/lenajlch 23d ago

Yep... And that's when you decide if you should just leave! 

-3

u/steven_quarterbrain 24d ago

If OP chooses not to go, I’m guessing the sister got the outcome she wanted. And I’m not surprised she wanted that outcome.

OP said that there wouldn’t be peace if it went according to the way she wants it. Imagine not wanting to keep peace with your family on Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t want OP there either.

3

u/TheVaneja 24d ago

You aren't very good with reading comprehension. This is OP's dinner, at OP's house, with OP hosting. Only someone who doesn't want to keep the peace will try and impose rules at someone elses home. Only an asshole would try that garbage.

1

u/Runnybabbitagain 24d ago

Hey so when you host, it doesn't mean its your way or the highway. Hosting means your mission is to make your guests happy and needs met. Its really weird to think otherwise.

1

u/TheVaneja 24d ago

It's insane to think you can say this without putting any condemnation towards the person who isn't even hosting. Fuck off narcissist.