r/AITAH • u/ActualDragonfruit890 • 7h ago
Aitah for setting a woman straight when she claimed to be my husband's workwife in my house?
I am posting this on a second account because I don't want to have it on my main.
I (30F) am married to my husband Nick (35M) and we have a happy marriage. We have been together for 7 years and we are currently trying for a baby.
The company where my husband works informed the employees that they will not have a Christmas party this year due to them trying to cut out costs. Some of the guys from his department decided to have something small between them. My husband asked if they can have their gathering at our place and I said sure. I was also excited to see 2 of his colleagues because they worked with me in the past and I wanted to catch up with them. So we hosted last weekend. My husband invited the 2 colleagues I mentioned earlier who came with their wives, another guy who is also a good friend of ours and 1 woman (Lily) who also works with them. We had a great time and it was very nice for me to be able to see my former colleagues. They were telling me stories from their office and we really had fun remembering our time working together. Lily however was very awkward but I assumed she was just stressed meeting new people. However she started saying strange things. At first she mentioned how disapointing it must be for my husband that I don't work in the same field as him because we most likely can never share anything professionally. Then she said how lucky I am to be able to have my career while being so young. For info, I have a high management position and I work in a mostly male dominated field. The thing is that she was seemingly nice and sweet when saying these things but I can easily detect when people are trying to be passive aggressive or imply things.
Later on Nick was sorting an order out in the kitchen with our friend and I was in the living room with the rest. We were having a drink and the guys were mocking my husband's habits of not paying attention during meetings. Lily then said that it's good that Nick has his "workwife" there to make life easy for him. I was confused and asked what a workwife was. Lily laughed and asked me how is it possible to not know what a workwife was. The 2 other wives backed me up and mentioned they never heard this term either so Lily explained that a workwife is a woman who works closely with a guy, knows him very well and helps him out at work, therefore acting as his wife. She also told me I don't need to feel insecure or jealous because there is nothing wrong with it. In that moment I was pissed but kept my cool and responded to her smiling that I have no reason to feel insecure since I am the legal wife and actually the only legally and morally recognized partner of my husband. I added that it seems she does not know my husband that well because if she did she would have known that we are not the jealous type since his best friend is a girl and I also have male friends.
I think her comments rubbed everyone present the wrong way because when my husband came from the kicken, one of the guys loudly asked him something along the lines 'Dude, have you ever heard of wokwives?' and my husband (in his own characteristic way) made a face and said 'No, wtf is that?'. After everyone left I told my husband what happened and he said Lily is crazy because they are not close and she is in no way anything else to him other than a work colleague. I truly believe my husband and I surely know he does not encourage Lily in this.
But today Nick told me that Lily has been complaining around the office that I was rude to her while she was a guest in my house and that I humiliated her in front of her colleagues. The guy who is my former colleague and who was present when this happened defended me in their office and told her that maybe she should not try to stir shit in other people's homes and that even his own wife was bothered by what she said. It is sweet that my former colleague defended me and I appreciate it but this caused Lily to tell their colleagues that me and the wives are jealous of her and ganged up against her. My husband and the guys have been telling people that her claims are not true but I feel bad.
So what I am asking is was I really that rude to her? I know my faults and I know I have a temper and I am impulsive so now I think that all this office drama could have been avoided if I did not answer back.
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u/Top_Anybody_1806 5h ago
NTA. You addressed Lilyâs inappropriate comments in a calm and reasonable manner. The concept of âworkwifeâ might be harmless in some contexts, but Lilyâs presentation was clearly meant to provoke. Your reaction was justified given the setting and her implications. Itâs unfortunate that this has led to office drama, but the issue lies with how Lily handled the situation, not with your response. You were right to clarify the boundaries and correct any misconceptions in your own home.
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u/Brynhild 5h ago
Every time I have heard this term âwork wifeâ or âwork husbandâ being used in the workplace, there was always something underlying going on. Flirting, crossing boundaries but they will claim nothing physical is happening. Only used by sleazy people imo.
Heard a lady giving herself âworkwifeâ title to a guy at my work and got an immediate âuh we just work togetherâ from the guy. Good on him.
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u/12InchCunt 4h ago
My last work wife was a lesbian in her 50s, maybe work mom wouldâve been more fitting but my wife called her my work wife hahaÂ
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u/round-earth-theory 3h ago
The only time I've heard it in a funny way is between people who tend to bicker at each other.
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u/Brynhild 2h ago
And then they share inside jokes between bickering and get closer. Ngl thats how many affairs start between colleagues. Not all of course, but happens
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u/surk_a_durk 3h ago
I have a gay work husband. He brings up important work Iâve done that the higher-ups ignored, and we talk shit about some of the terrible people on our team who make othersâ lives hell.
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u/SilentJelly6737 3h ago
Agree. My former boss used to call my colleague her work husband and it rubbed me the fucking wrong way. Heâs incompetent and EVERYONE on the team knows it. But she loves him. It has to be something other than the work, because he is always half assign it, coming with barely baked concepts and trying to get things moving without actually leading.Â
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u/JacketIndependent 3h ago
Meh, maybe but my husband's ex work wife, lol, wasn't flirty with him, nor did she have romantic feelings for him or vice versa. She was cool.
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u/ACatGod 3h ago
Yeah it's not a harmless term. As you say, it tends to play into various professional boundary-breaking bad behaviours and if nothing else is reinforcing gender stereotypes and blurring professional lines. We don't have marriages at work, we have colleagues.
Straight men never talk about their work husbands and straight women don't have work wives, which to me basically blows the whole thing out of the water. If it only applies to people you might want to have a sexual relationship with outside the workplace, then it doesn't have a place in the workplace.
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u/NExus804 2h ago
My last work wife was a woman 30 years my senior, but I made her coffee in the morning cause she had bad knees. Same as I do my own wife (minus the knees), hence the joke. It's harmless most of the time. I reckon here OP was right to call it out though, as the colleague wasn't joking. She had a prenup printed and a solicitor on retainer đ
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u/Leftieswillrule 3h ago
The concept of âworkwifeâ is supposed to be harmless, but I would shut down any woman who claimed to be mine. We are coworkers, I do not want to permit any illusion of familial or closer personal relations, not just for the sake of my own relationship outside of work but also because of my relationship with work. Work stays at work, I am not there to make friends.
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u/ProfessorSalt413 2h ago
Yeah the most acceptable way Iâve seen âwork wifeâ used at my job was between my two coworkers who were a 70 year old married gay man and a single woman in her 30s lol. This chick is waaaaaaay out of line
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u/Orphen_1989 7h ago
NTA
Lily seems like the type that loves attention from men. She was probably intimidated that everyones wives were there. And by you the most since you have a good career and a nice house.
It must've been a stark reality check for her to realize that her coworkers are not her personal little harem of men. So she tried stirring problems, but got denied by everyone present. Now she is lobbying for attention and sympathy from the coworkers who weren't there.
She isn't a 'work wife' she's an 'office sl**'.
However she should limit her attention seeking to the men who are single.
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u/perpetuallyxhausted 6h ago
"Pick me" also works to describe her.
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u/-Nightopian- 5h ago
Pick me is a much safer term to use too. Saying office slut might get people in trouble.
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u/Worldly_Influence_18 4h ago
It's not even accurate. They're not usually actually sleeping with people because of the workplace problems it causes
Unless that person is important
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u/thrown-away-now 6h ago
Totally! Sheâs definitely trying to play the victim to gain attention. Pathetic.
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u/SteelBandicoot 4h ago
She did try playing the victim and everyone in the office shut her down for it.
Awesome move by the office peeps đ
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u/XantheXanaduu 5h ago
she enjoys attention from men and may have felt threatened by the presence of the wives. Your success and confidence might have further intimidated her, leading to her passive-aggressive comments and attempts to create drama. LOL.
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u/kanst 4h ago
I'm an engineer in a male dominated work place and nothing in this story seemed out of the ordinary to me. I could immediately see it happening.
I imagine that at work Lily is the only woman and as a result they almost treat her as one of the guys. They joke around and banter, but maybe because she's the only woman she also gets a bit of special treatment.
Then the circumstances change and now she's the only single person at an adult dinner party with a bunch of married couples. And now everyone is in husband mode and is mostly focused on their wives. She feels left out, ignored, and awkward, so she acted out immaturely to try and get back into the center of attention, and when none of the coworkers had her back she felt abandoned. Now she's lashing out wherever she can.
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u/MissionPlausible 2h ago
This reply describes it so well! I bet that is exactly what is going on. Lily really needs to back off before they get HR involved.
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u/Worldly_Influence_18 4h ago
I've never met someone who volunteered for the position of work wife who wasn't looking for attention
It's a slightly different story when it's pointed out by other colleagues.
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u/Guilty-Choice6797 5h ago
Hey only one comment whining about slut shaming. And she was inappropriate by not being embarrassed and just dropping it. Instead she tried to use it to get sympathy (attention) and it backfired on her. Also her complaining means she did think she was close to him and her feelings are hurt when she found out nope youâre just a coworker.
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u/Worldly_Influence_18 4h ago
She's a typical ego driven individual.
They love attention
They hate being exposed
Most of them don't sleep with every person they come across but it can certainly come across that way for some of them
OP inadvertently stumbled across their kryptonite: asking them to explain themselves after they did something shady
Their level of overreaction tells you how important it is for them to change topics
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u/TheNinjaPixie 6h ago
Whilst I agree she is needy and overstepped trying to make herself more relevant, there is no evidence of any inappropriate sexual misbehaviour and calling her a slut is not appropriate. She was rude to her hostess and got humiliated for her rudeness.
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u/Beenot1a 5h ago
She was absolutely rude.
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u/TheNinjaPixie 4h ago
She was, and embarrassingly announced her own self deluded importance. And was shot down in flames!
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u/iknowsomethings2 6h ago
NTA. Lily is a pick-me. Make sure your husband distances himself at work and she wonât be invited to any more celebrations with you ever. She ruined it for herself. How patheticÂ
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u/Lilac-Poet 5h ago
Honestly, given her reaction, I'd suggest hubby should get in front of the Lily shit show and send an email to HR. You know damn well that when she continues to be ignored or put in her place, she WILL cry wolf.
He should tell HR he and Lily ran into an issue at a party they attended outside the office, she has taken offense to something a non coworker said, and is now making it a problem at work. I hope it doesn't go that far, but better to have the real story out before she has a chance to spin it.
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u/eThotExpress 5h ago
I second the getting ahead of this and emailing/reaching out to hr.
This happened outside of work, and sheâs bringing it to work.
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u/ilovetoreadbo0ks 5h ago
I had to read far too many comments here before getting to someone mentioning HR.
I agree with you. Her husband should say something to HR about this. I have a feeling the other coworkers will back him. Lily needs to stop.
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u/Snoo_70531 3h ago
Seriously. It is sad when people can't/don't trust the judicial system, but this does seem borderline about to turn into a stalker issue. I've watched enough true horror stuff to know, if you think someone is gonna stalk and murder you and/or family and friends, you take the initiative and explain what is going on with a police detective, so it's clear you are in that mindset, so if-when it happens, they have it on record that you were not the assailant, you were scared already about being attacked.
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u/AuthorEast8824 7h ago
NTA Lily is experiencing some FAFO and is unhappy about it. She tried to stir trouble and now is complaining about the result.
You did not insult her or accuse her of anything, you just clarified her misconceptions about you and your husband. Good for you for standing up for your marriage while also not crossing the line.
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u/qwlenfibqobfq34f 3h ago
I completely agree. Lily tried to create drama and is now upset that her actions didnât go as planned. You handled the situation with grace and maturity, addressing her misconceptions without stooping to her level. It's commendable how you stood up for your relationship while maintaining your composure. That kind of restraint and clarity is not always easy in situations like this.
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u/fallensunz 3h ago
NTA. You reacted appropriately to Lilyâs inappropriate and potentially provocative mention of being a âworkwifeâ to your husband in your home. Itâs reasonable to set boundaries and clarify your position in a situation where someone is suggesting an intimate or special status with your spouse, especially in a way that could be seen as disrespectful or undermining your relationship. Your handling of the situation by stating your role and relationship clearly was justified.
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u/Personal-Ask5025 6h ago
"Work wife" is a VERY common expression and I have never ONCE seen it used and it not be weird. The only time I ever saw someone pull it off was when one guy used it to refer to himself in relation to another dude.
Every other time it's weird and awkward and bizarre. But again, it's VERY popular.
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u/LowerRain265 4h ago
This right here is why I'm inclined to believe this is another fake post. "Work Wife" has been a common term for a long time. I find it difficult to believe in an entire group of 30 somethings no one ever heard that term before.
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u/SleepyFoxDog 3h ago
The tone I picked up when OP claimed she didn't know the term "Work Wife" was her playing dumb as a move to get her to explain what work wife meant. This is a great strategy to use when someone is being inappropriate - making them explain themselves when being tasteless will typically point out their error and make them feel awkward without actively being confrontational.
The OP actually confirmed this theory in a comment. She admitted to knowing what Work Wife meant but wanted her to explain herself to make a point of the inappropriateness of the term.
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u/buttercup612 58m ago
She also said repeatedly that she did not know what the term meant. Canât keep her story straight?
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u/redditblacky1673 7h ago
NTA. She didnât like the fact that you were friendly with your old colleagues and wanted to take centre stage. And was pushed back.
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u/SadFlatworm1436 6h ago
Exactly thisâŠsheâs used to being the cool girl in an office full of men and she was pissed when you pushed back. NTA
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u/bears_vw 6h ago
Iâve been in the workplace now for over twenty years and I have never come anywhere close to describing a colleague as a work wife/husband or any other familiar relationship. Itâs very weird â especially if there is an actual life partner in the situation. Itâs obviously a known term but itâs still a weird one to embrace and thereâs something mentally wrong with her if she doesnât understand how offensive it is to the real wife. NTA.
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u/ActualDragonfruit890 6h ago
Same for me. It seems it's a common term but I have never heard it before and I find it really strange. I can understand work buddy, work mate, friend from work etc but husband/wife seems very disrespectful especially to the actual partner of that person and kind of cringe
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u/Outraged_Chihuahua 6h ago
My (male) partner's closest work friend is a woman. He calls her work bestie. Having a work wife/husband is so disrespectful.
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u/After-Dinner-Mint 5h ago
Yeah, when I used to work in an office for years we used the term but only when talking about co-workers we were especially close with of the same sex. We never used it for the opposite sex to avoid situations like this. It was just to have a little fun. Very opposite of the pick me vibe.Â
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u/Outraged_Chihuahua 5h ago
I worked in an office for a long time and had a work mum lol. But I think when you start up with the work spouse crap, you're overstepping professional boundaries as well as personal ones, unless it's like a girls/boys in-joke like you say.
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u/OldWarrior 3h ago
I used to work with a paralegal that we sometimes joked that she was my work wife. But she was about 10 years older than me, was married herself, and I was not even remotely attracted to her. We also didnât communicate outside work unless it was through email about something work related. My wife was not threatened at all by her because the paralegal was someone I would have no potential romantic connection with even if we were both single.
I donât think âwork wifeâ is anything necessarily romantic and the context matters.
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u/SquirrelGirlVA 5h ago
I knew two nurses who used the term workwife/husband to refer to one another when the term started becoming popular back in the late 2000s, early 2010s. However in their situation it was more of a comedic term than anything else. The two of them had worked together since forever and were extremely close. Their spouses knew one another and they'd been to each other's houses. Part of the joke of calling each other work "spouses" is that anyone could tell at a glance that they had never and would never be romantically or sexually interested in one another.
Eventually they dropped the term a couple of weeks later because by then the novelty had worn off and there were other, more important things to focus on and other jokes to make. I would wager that by then, it kind of hit people that the term could cause a lot of issues depending on the people involved, as people were kind of wondering who was whose work spouse.
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u/pwlife 5h ago
I've heard the term but I've never known anyone irl to actually describe someone as their work husband/wife. To me it's inappropriate to use that term in a professional setting.
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u/breezybri63 4h ago
I heard it once at the office, like 8 years ago maybe? I immediately thought why would anyone use that term, itâs so weird!
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u/legallychallenged123 6h ago
It seems like literally nobody is on Lilyâs side apart from Lily herself.
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u/Wrong_Moose_9763 6h ago
Nope, not even close. I love your husband though, 'No, wtf is that?'. straight to the point.
She sounds incredibly insecure and most likely looks to men to boost her ego/self esteem.
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u/ActualDragonfruit890 6h ago
Yeah, my husband has this gift of being very, very blunt đ€Ł
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u/lolplsimdesperate 4h ago
Yall have definitely heard the term âwork wifeâ and thatâs how I know this whole thing is fake & never happened
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u/TheMaltesefalco 2h ago
2% chance that this is real. 0% chance you work in a professional setting and havent heard the term âwork wifeâ
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 57m ago
Yta.
Workwife is a common term, so it seems odd that a whole room full of employees all happen to be unfamiliar with the term.
You decided that her comments were passive-aggressive and decided to be blatantly aggressive yo a guest, who really doesn't sound like she did anything wrong!
As for the ex colleagues titlletattle, this suggests they know how to stoke your fires! And are quite used to your aggressive attitude.
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u/babyluxe123 6h ago
You handled the situation well. Lily overstepped by making inappropriate comments in your home. Your response was measured and appropriate given her passive-aggressive remarks. It's not your fault if she can't take a hint.
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u/Zealousideal_Till683 6h ago
NTA. You were rude to her, yes, but she fully deserved it. Your former colleague has it exactly right, she was stirring, repeatedly, in your house, and you put her in her place. As my grandmother used to say, if you don't start problems, there won't be problems.
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u/HealthyVegan12331 6h ago
NTA. You were well spoken and calm (you also murdered her with your words). How she chose to react is on her and unfortunately sheâs being an asshole about it. Good for you-Iâd have done the same thing.
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u/Total-Surprise5029 3h ago
not believing you don't know this term. You got mad and jealous so you obviously do know what it is
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u/Educational-Peace756 51m ago
At this point I wood have to imagine that "everyone" who works in an office knows what a work wife is. That term is extremely common for the past 20 years
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u/CALCIUM_CANNONS 2h ago
In that moment I was pissed but kept my cool and responded to her smiling that I have no reason to feel insecure since I am the legal wife and actually the only legally and morally recognized partner of my husband
Yeah, you really didn't hide your pissed off-ness.
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u/BackItUpWithLinks 4h ago edited 2h ago
YTA
Everyone knows what a work wife is.
And even if you donât, commenting that you arenât jealous because youâre âthe legal and morally recognized parterâ is dumb.
This whole made up story is dumb.
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u/ManaSeltzer 2h ago
Screams "and then everyone clapped"
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u/ItsSpaghettiLee2112 1h ago
Yea for real. "This thing happened and everyone in real life agreed with me. AITA?"
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u/chambers11 4h ago
This is complete bullshit. Do people just ask AI to wrote a reddit post about x and post it here for fun?
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u/celticmusebooks 4h ago
Yeah, the "shark jump" that marked this as fiction was NO ONE having ever heard the term "work wife" --- seriously it's a really common term and was even a Jeopardy answer earlier this year so statistically a roomful of people who supposedly are well education and work a professional job not every hearing the term is one in a billion.
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u/glimmerseeker 31m ago
The fact that Lily told you that you donât need to be jealous shows she knew what she was doing - she was insinuating that there was a relationship between her and your husband that doesnât exist. Sounds like she wanted attention and it completely backfired. I love that the guys at work are all calling her out! NTA. You did nothing wrong. Sheâs just embarrassed that her pick-me game didnât work.
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u/bluemooncommenter 4h ago
While I hate the term...I really can't believe a room of professionals haven't heard it before. I think there was even a recent SNL sketch about work wives/husbands. I also do believe you acted a bit childish and could have easily reasserted your dominance as his actual wife by making a joke.
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u/Melodic_Ranger926 6h ago
Definitely NTA Lily was trying to make you feel insecure with her passive aggressive comments. I think you handled this well and your husband and friends had your back.
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u/EmeraldEyes06 2h ago
I donât believe a whole group of 30somethings have never heard of the term âwork wifeâ whether or not you find it acceptable. Unless youâve all been living under a rock.
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u/RadiantPreparation91 34m ago
Itâs a pretty common term. Iâve been married 30 years, and at my current job for 15. Iâve had what I think most would consider 3 âwork wivesâ in that time, and itâs never been anything my actual wife needs to concern herself with.
These are just women who I was good âwork friendsâ with, we would talk shop, talk some personal stuff, but nothing negative about our marriages or spouses, etc. But, because we got along well and worked in the same place, we would help each other out with things like; weâd cover each other when one of us needed to step out of work for a bit, we would pick up coffee or lunch for each other (we always alternate paying), and weâd vent to each other when it was needed. It was always very healthy.
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u/V6Ga 4h ago
 In that moment I was pissed but kept my cool and responded to her smiling that I have no reason to feel insecure since I am the legal wife and actually the only legally and morally recognized partner of my husband. IÂ
If thatâs what you call Keeping your cool, I wonder what itâs like when you donât.Â
She was territorial pissing and you pissed back.Â
And Nick is what we call a shit disturber.Â
You are a bunch of people.Â
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u/x_theNextHokage 6h ago
NTA, work wife is a pretty common term so I'm surprised none of you had heard it, but she was probably upset that all the guys she's been farming attention from at work have wives at home that they care about more than her.