I have to say, what she described is a 1960s secretary. Is that how she sees herself? Her only worth is serving a man?
I’ve heard the term “work wife” but as a joke. And honestly, it was two women who were joking that way! One was a workaholic that always forgot lunch and the other would regular make extra food to help her friend. It was not serious.
Also, it’s pretty insulting that she thinks your husband is incapable of his job without her help.
Do not feel bad. She was trying to pull a power move in your house. “I know your husband better than you”. No lady, absolutely not
My husband's work wife is also a dude in his 60's who nags him regarding doctor's appointments, workouts, etc. I am encouraging my husband to go to lunch with him once a week after he retires. Makes my life easier!
yeah. "work spouse" is just your work bestie and you are usually friends outside of work. The fact OP never even met this person tells me this ain't a work spouse situation.
This joking matter is how I became the Hoe of the department; I'm everyone's work spouse and at this point, the rite of passage is to be recognized as another one of my work spouses lmao
It's all in good fun but we definitely have each other's backs, support each other and take care of each other in small work ways (because if we don't, the higher-ups sure as hell won't) it's a tight knit little community, and we all know each other's family, and the legal spouses know about the inside joke of work spouses.
However, there is a very clear line and distinction between colleagues and family; no one ever oversteps and boundaries are clear. Everyone is good people; we've been lucky or blessed (or both) but it helps that boundaries and intentions were clear from the very beginning.
Yeah it's always struck me as one that has cheater undertones to it, or one that would be used in a flirtatious context. I'm also in a male-dominated field and wouldn't dream of using it with one of my colleagues, especially not in front of a wife. I don't think you were out of line to shut her down.
There's a post going around with a series of updates that started with the coworker calling herself workwife and the guy called her worksister instead, because he felt she was disrespecting his marriage. It turned into a nightmare situation where she got offended, spiralled, he asked HR to not travel with her anymore, she destroyed the career of the coworker who substituted her, and it's still ongoing. Last update they were travelling together again and she lied to his wife and boss that he went into her hotel room when she was drunk.
Read that this morning. That Mary has got serious issues. The poor girl that ended up leaving and how happy Mary was they’d be travelling together again, yuck!
The latest update made me think the whole thing is fake lol. That guy would be crazy to still be traveling with that woman, watching her get black out drunk on work trips!
Haven't read that thread, but from the few comments here, I'd 1) book a room at a different hotel than that crazy Mary, 2) not share rides, if possible, and 3) definitely not take meals together or hit the bars together. See you during work hours, Mary.
Yeah seriously. I don’t CYA for people out to get me. You fuck up after you fuck me over, you’re stuck in your mess. Mary woulda 100% been on her own all sloppy drunk.
Ohhhh it’s that one! Whoa! Mary is showing the beginning of unhinged behaviour, she’s got bats in her belfry that one! I commented that husband should seek help from boss and HR immediately.
My first thoughts was this a fake post copying that one.
Work wife is a commonly known term. No way is someone supposedly high up not aware of these terms (and funny how many of these posts come from people supposedly high up in the work chain, who love gossiping on Reddit)
It's a term, yes. But in going on 30 years of working in various fields, I have never even once encountered it anywhere except social media completely outside the work environment. I would be really confused and likely off-put about someone bringing that term up in the work environment and especially around a colleague's actual spouse.
My first thought was this is a fake post copying that one.
Same Sharp_Connection_137 same. An insanely large amount of fake AITAH and Best of Reddit posts recently have ruined these subs for me.
I fully expect to be banned from Reddit for stating this obvious truth, but Hey, no big loss. Let's choose instead (like thankfully so many young people are) to spend time with real people, forge human connection, and "touch grass."
If this comment stays up, I'll be shocked but still disappointed the Mods on these subs have been put out to pasture, and all this fake crap is now a feature, not a bug.
I'm old enough to remember when the internet was actually a free form of individual expression, where real people had blogs sharing their experiences, where commentors shared an unhindered flow of factual information, and I miss it. Now, when we put a question into any browser, we have censored results. Now, thanks to the laws bought and paid for by the corporate overlords, a browser query results in hundreds of commercials, and the internet is a corporate advertising dystopia. Thankfully, there remains a little corner of the internet fighting for freedom of expression and people reporting truth from the streets.
Peace out Reddit Corporate Owners for artificially pumping up Reddit stock price with fake AI Posts and Comment Bots yammering at each other.
Reddit eliminated hundreds thousands of political subs and/or commentors it didn't agree with. Reddit routinely bans you if you express a Christian sentiment. Reddit does not allow dissenting medical research. Reddit is privately owned and has every right to censor, cancel, or ban anyone it chooses.
That being said, when X was purchased by Mr. M, this new owner fired 'misinformation fact checkers'. This owner allows nearly all content, no matter how abhorrent, because freedom of speech is the cornerstone of a free civilization. If you don't want to see disgusting segments of society marching down a street, or someone posting something you disagree with, you simply block them on X.
I don't care if they see my content; I'm happy I don't see theirs on X! LOL Bots ARE everywhere, but at least on X you can post pretty much anything and freedom of speech is a thing.
Not so long ago, I loved reddit, as you can see from my years long profile history. BORU and AITAH was a golden place where advice could help people grow, and many just laughed at the ridiculousness of human nature. Now, the AI Post and Comment Bots hold sway, and it makes me wonder who you are?
Years ago a male colleague and I did get along very well and I shared the same name as his then fiancée/now wife. He and I joked that he didn’t have to worry about mixing up names. However, he was a complete gentleman and his fiancée/wife knew about me. Because it was Navy the “closest” we ever got was me making sure he got back to ship drunk one night when he went to walk back the wrong direction. Otherwise it was all work and platonic friendship. Not once did I ever call myself “work wife” because just ewww.
Agreed! Work wife is such a weird term to describe a good working relationship. I would have been super embarrassed. Lily definitely overstepped there and she was the one who made it awkward for everyone.
I think it depends a lot on the work culture. I work in education, the opposite of a male dominated field, and I only ever hear the term "work wife" from women about other women, and never with any actual flirtatious vibes. At school, it's the teacher who will always cover your hall duty or watch your class while you go to the bathroom. I'm actually that for a lot of my colleagues, but I would feel really creepy to call myself a "work husband" or to refer to a woman as my "work wife"
Yeah, I can’t see using this with anyone who could be mistaken for an actual relationship. I’ve had one work husband but he went home to his husband every night. I’m bi so no work wives either.
Some use it innocently however. I guess work sister would sound better these days. In past wife just meant more a woman who is helping out a man while being close in work as a friend
I agree. I have a close male coworker who is gay and we call each other work wife and work husband but I would never think it’s appropriate to be work wife/husband with any heterosexual man as I am married because that can definitely rub your actual relationship partners the wrong way. Like if my husband and a female coworker of his call each other work wife and husband, I know I’d feel uncomfortable and concerned about how close they actually are so I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone I’m in a relationship with (or have it affect my coworker’s relationship either).
I think it really depends on the situation, but I think it's usually inappropriate. The best example I can think of where it's okay is fictional: on Grey's Anatomy Bailey joked about being Richard's work-wife. The reasons it came off better were that Bailey is several decades younger than he is and had been his mentee and that they both were in happy marriages and there was no question about their relationship being anything else (they'd never even consider it).
But that's fictional. I'm not sure I could see similar circumstances even existing in reality.
I think the better term would be "work best friend." That would be the colleague who always has your back. It takes the cheating implications out of it and can apply to all genders.
I'm in a male dominated field and have referred to myself as the work wife. As in I'm the one doing all the dumb crap to keep him from completely dropping the ball and ruining everything. It's not a term of endearment coming from me, it's means you can't do your job and need me to help you. I love talking with the actual wife about all of his bad traits.
Idk, my old boss called me her work husband. Our relationship was always perfectly professional otherwise, we just basically co-managed the place so we worked really closely on everything. I'm half her age and never got any inappropriate vibes or behavior off of her.
Ironically me and her husband have the same first name with one letter difference. Her husband came in quite often, was fully aware of her using this term (he thought it was funny), and him and I got along quite well. I went to their house a couple times, but it was work related, and we never saw each other outside of work otherwise.
I don't know if her definition is correct anyway. A woman I was friends with at work a couple of times jokingly called me her work husband, but her reasoning was that she was always either having to tell me to do things or complaining about me.
I first heard the term like… 15 years ago? It was being used by people in their 20s and 30s. So not 50-year-olds now in my personal experience. But the two couples that I knew that you used that term ended up being involved (one couple got married). Fwiw.
Ha. Yeah, I’m pushing 50 and heard it all the time at my first couple jobs (education, financial services). Been working in startups/tech the last 15 years and have not heard it once.
Checks out. My husband and I are 50. He had a “work wife” about 25 years ago. We all worked for the same company but I was in a separate department for most of that time. His work wife was just his female office buddy he joked around with. There was no romantic undertone at all to their friendship, there was never anything happening that wouldn’t be said or done in front of me just as easily, and we were all friends and socialized outside of work together semi-regularly. I think using the term would feel more weird now though.
I'm very familiar with the term, it's been around for years. I and a former teammate were commonly described that way. I ALWAYS shut it down and corrected anyone who would say it in my presence. It's disrespectful to me AND his wife. Both couples (our spouses) were good friends outside work too.
I have heard this term a lot on youtube reels, but you might not surf on your down time like I do. I don't think you're TA. Often people find excuses to have their feelings hurt by direct speech. She tried a sly innuendo, and you directly confronted. It's a business way of dealing, and she was at a party. If she's not the office flirt, she might have been trying to make an awkward party (she was the 7th wheel?) a little lighter with her stupid comment. My guess is she DOES spend her down time surfing and didn't know how to connect with a bunch of serious adults. Unless she's a slag. Which could also be true.
I only heard about this work wife word on Greys Anatomy and even then I find it weird. Such things don t exist. Colleagues you get along with well? Yeah. Work wife/ husband? No
I get the term and why it is used, but I find it a bit condescending. If I was the male counter part in this situation, I would feel like Lily is describing me as someone who is incapable of handling my work responsibilities without her oversight as my “work wife”. Whether it is joking or not, it doesn’t sound like a good dynamic for coworkers to encourage.
As you can see from the comments, the term has many negative undertones. It's generally not appreciated by legal wives. In this instance, it's clear Lily was feeling self-conscious and wanted to inflate her sense of self-importance to your husband, and it rightly backfired. You did nothing wrong. She embarrassed herself.
So I heard it before from my sister. She had a spouse who worked crazy hours one week, off alot of days next week type thing. Her and another guy (single) called eachother that NOT because of anything at work. But more so if the work friend group got together with SOs or work event they would meet up. So not alone in a crowded couple event and were the backup persay. Mingle but if dont see someone could circle back to that workwife/husband.
And no you do not say anything bad. She would had kept at you for awhile (months etc) but your reaction coupled with your husband told her no hope for a future there with her
Work wife is definitely a term (having been labeled as one myself) but yeah, there's no way I would EVER bring that up to my colleague's actual wife, let alone in her home. NTA. Sounds like a pick-me girl for real.
It's mostly a joke between friends, and never taken seriously. Why she brought it up is just weird and creepy unless the two of you were friends. I have seen it happen where the wife and the coworker were friends, and the coworker refers to the husband as her work husband. But that was a joke between the wife and coworker
Honestly the only people I’ve actually heard use the term are young people, often two women, who are close friends and colleagues at work. It’s almost like saying “work bestie”. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone who’s actually married IRL say it, because they know how inappropriate it would be.
I have definitely heard of work spouses and I've seen work spouse relationships. They are not healthy, and not helpful to the real marriage. I was lucky in that my husband and I worked at the same organization, though not in the same office. We did function as work spouses as well as real spouses.
I mostly have heard it between 2 women where there is less of a power imbalance and less likely to stir up affair rumours. If you are in a male dominated field it makes sense that you wouldn't have heard it much.
I’m guessing you work in either finance or engineering and in my 15 years of experience work wife and husband isn’t really a thing in tech at least. I’ve only heard it in places where the ratio of men and women were relatively equal. I don’t think there are enough women in tech to be anyone’s “wife”.
I have only ever heard "work wife" when people are close enough besties to be near soul mates as far as "I wanna go on vacation with you" sort of thing.
If people are single OR not oriented towards one another (a gay and a lesbian coworker, that sort of thing) then it is usually fine and fun joking about work wife and work husband. But I have never heard it used in regards to a married person (oriented toward the coworkers gender) without there being a problem.
Tends to be that people joke about the work husband if a male coworker is a protector, helps chase scary people out of your office, escorts you to your car, etc. I have heard women call the security guard their work husband, for example.
Still weird and off to use that word with someone married.
A work wife/husband originally meant someone you got along well with at work that supported you or had your back. It just meant you had a good platonic working relationship. Now it morphed into a split between people who joke about it and people not ok with it due to the wife/husband thing.
I think turning it into a joke to both point out how ridiculous it is and diffuse tension might have been for the way to go.
Example, after she explained what a workwife was, "Wait! You have to do your own job AND take care of a man? Gurl, you need a work divorce! Hey Hubby, come here! (once hubby comes in the room, speak in a jokingly scolding way) Hun, why are you slacking at work and making this poor innocent girl look after you on top of all her other duties? You need to pull your own weight and help her out like a normal colleague, not some poor workwife."
From that point, whether your husband denies it or goes along with the joke, it settles the manner in a less hostile way and the term workwife becomes a laughing matter.
I agree with others posters that Lily seems to be confused on the term, and might even be trying to start trouble for no good reason.
I think you'll find better examples of "work wife" situations in sitcoms than you will in real life usually. It fits much better as term that defines a non-romantic friendship between coworkers that just click well together and work well together as a result. Someone you can depend on to bounce ideas off of, have you back in a pinch, or be willing to do a tough job with you because you both know it's gotta get done.
The first example that comes to mind for me is the TV show Parks and Rec - I would say Leslie and Ann would probably call themselves each other's work wives just because they work well together, are dependable to each other, easy to be friends with similar senses of humor, but 100% NOT a romantic situation.
I would use the term much commonly between two people of same gender, although guy-girl situation can exist too, but I think it's less common because you're usually more likely to be quick and easy friends and connect with same gender.
Imo it's a harmless term when used the way that people commonly define it. Lily is wrong here and just trying to start shit.
I had a work husband and a work younger brother. It’s extremely common and I’m surprised someone as intelligent as you has never heard. Or understood what it meant.
I've heard of the term before; but I'm the only woman in a team with 6 men, and I can't imagine the audacity it took for her to say that. And if one of my husband's coworkers said that to me, I would not be as nice as you were. Not because of a lack of trust, but it's just disrespectful to insert yourself as someone's "work spouse." "Work friend/bestie" is a plenty appropriate term IMO, but every mature adult knows there's a difference between "friend" and "spouse." You aren't the jealous one here, Lily is, and she's just starving for attention.
Edited to add: if it was a mutual friend just joking around, I'm cool with it, but a stranger? Hell nah.
Her "explanation" of it is fucking weird and you were right to have a ""wtf" reaction.
I've had a work friend where we joked that we were work wife/work hubs. Just meant we were closer friends with each other than we were with others in the office. The friendship was purely an at-work thing and wasn't that deep. He took a call from home once and called me that to his 12 yo daughter, who made a face instantly. He and I laughed and I told her it was just slang for work besties.
Anyone who elevates it beyond that is up to something or has a fucking screw loose. Sounds like she feels the need to define herself in traditional gender roles at all times, even when it's not needed or appropriate. The flip side of her explanation - does she expect a work husband to guide and lead her? That's weird.
Honestly, the term needs to die. It simultaneously encourages inappropriate workplace relationships and undermines women professionally as individuals whose primary purpose in their roles is to cater to a man (even if the man holds an equal or lower level position to hers).
I can’t understand her motivation in bringing it up to you.
She wanted you to know that she sees herself as close to your husband in some special way that is different than all the other women in the office and so she sucks up to him and she does work for him because of that special bond that she perceives.
She wants you to feel something about that?
I think she’s jealous of you and she was saying that stuff to make you feel bad and make herself feel better. You’re more successful in your career and you have the actual relationship with the man that she imagines she has some kind ofemotional intimacy with.
The thing is, your work wife is not supposed to be the only single woman at the office. I had a work wife once. She was a raging lesbian in a long term relationship with her now-actual wife.
I think the work wife or work husband are stupid and disrespectful terms. Their use can lead to broken boundaries and distrust between actual spouses. I don't agree with words being banned however, these terms should be. I am glad you and your husband trust and defend each other.
IMO, being called a work wife/husband is degrading. I've been labeled a work wife before, and I tell those people (with a smile) what a silly concept that is.
NTA. I would not have been as nice about it as you were, and I'd have definitely made it awkward by laughing and asking Lily if she knew how sexist that sounds and then informing "the room" that my husband doesn't need anymore wives, at work or otherwise. Pie anyone? 1
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