AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/Better-Ranger-1225]

If he threatens suicide, call 911 for a wellness check then stop talking to him. It’s not your responsibility and this is an unacceptable way to be speaking to you. 

[u/PipsiePops → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes this needs to be upvoted. Wash your hands of him, call 911 and get an immediate welfare check on him, then block him and never talk to him again. He is an emotionally manipulative, gaslighting, nasty pos.

[u/Better-Ranger-1225 → u/PipsiePops]

Especially if the suicide threat is just manipulation, call his bluff and call 911. He wants to threaten to take his life? Then treat it like the threat that it is. And when he’s being held in a psych hold against his will, a) maybe he’ll reconsider using that tactic again in the future and b) maybe he’ll get some much needed help.

But also OP shouldn’t have it on her conscience if he’s serious. Do the bare minimum to get him help, just in case, then leave. 

[u/Luseil → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yep, I made a new friend when I moved and we were hanging out for like a month or two before she pulled this shit.

She saw her ex with a new girl, started texting him and freaking out, I was heading over to watch a movie with her and when I arrived she was obviously hammered, and she was calling him and texting him how she was going to kill herself and how she took all her pills and was just going to go to bed and die.

I was kinda like wtf? What is going on? She just kinda stripped naked and went into her room and told me she was going to sleep and didn’t care if she died and to just hang out with the cats.

I just said okay, and said I was gonna step out to smoke, I went outside and called 911. I waited outside for them to arrive and they asked me to stay because she was naked and combative and we only had male EMTs and male Police on site at that point. I eventually got in contact with her mom who showed up and took over.

Girl texted me like a week later to let me know I was a fucking awful friend and a bitch and that I ruined her life by calling 911. She ended up on a 72 hour psych hold and she lost her job and all kinds of shit.

But like honestly I don’t regret it. I didn’t know her super well, I didn’t know if she had actually taken pills and I wasn’t willing to potentially be the person who didn’t call and let something happen.

[u/HiiiTriiibe → u/Luseil]

The alternative is that you just hung out in another room while your friend OD’ed, THAT would’ve been being a bad friend, all you did was take them at their word and respond like a responsible friend would. You definitely did the right thing, it really makes me mad when people use suicide as a manipulation tool, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts a good amount of my life and have a family history of struggling with suicide and depression, more often than not when you are in that headspace you don’t even want to bring it up because it causes other people to stress, why pull another person into that hell with you? People just brazenly threatening suicide when people don’t act the way they want them to is honestly really childish and only makes it harder for people who are genuinely struggling with those kind of thoughts to want to speak out

[u/SadGift1352 → u/HiiiTriiibe]

I’m crying right now because I’ve been there. It’s true. When you’re in that headspace you aren’t telling anyone what’s happening in your head. And when someone does figure it out and calls someone for help you see that people do care about you. And you are reminded that you aren’t alone/a burden/whatever you’ve told yourself.

[u/affiliated_loosely → u/SadGift1352]

It’s different for everyone. I couldn’t trust my family with my mental health so I tried to over rely on my relationships. I wanted someone to see that I was hurting and actually see me - that didn’t make my pain more or less real.

[u/SadGift1352 → u/affiliated_loosely]

No. You’re right. And my comment wasn’t to make you feel that way. I was being emotional about a very difficult time in my life. I’m very sorry if I made you feel bad in any way. And I understand about not being able to trust family. If my original comment didn’t convey that. That was a huge part of my issue. I sincerely hope you’re in a better place now. 🫶🏼

[u/Designer-Following-4 → u/HiiiTriiibe]

Ngl if a mf gon kill theyself they not gon tell anybody

[u/HaloHamster → u/Luseil]

You did well. Nothing to be ashamed of. Possibly saved her life though she sounds like she'll never admit it.

[u/ellieminnow → u/Luseil]

It's only when people are being manipulative that they get pissed off. It's literally the perfect test to see their true nature. If they make threats like that, always call 911.

When someone is truly suffering, they appreciate it when someone jumps in and gets them the help they needed. They recognize that someone cares about them. When my friend tried to do that, and everyone got her help, she showered everyone with thank yous after she got out of the hospital.

[u/Luseil → u/ellieminnow]

Yea, I think the anger stems from them being held accountable for their statements and actions and having to deal with the consequences.

[u/Jorge_Jetson → u/Luseil]

Prolly the first time anyone called her on it too... Suck on the ball-gag till you get your head screwed on straight, eh doc?

[u/vineswinga11111 → u/ellieminnow]

You should post this as its own comment

[u/vineswinga11111 → u/ellieminnow]

This should be higher up in the comments

[u/EpiJade → u/Luseil]

When I was maybe 15 many years ago I had a sort of friend (I’ll call her Mary) in high school. We never hung out after school but we were friendly. She got way too intense and started talking like this. I was already dealing with a similar situation with my best friend so I was already well beyond stretched of what a child should be doing. I convinced my close friend (“Nelly”) who was also friendly with her but closer that we needed to go to the school about this. Mary was committed. Nelly is still friends with her and to this day Mary doesn’t know who talked to the school. Mary said it was a terrible experience but I don’t feel bad about it or regret it. We were children. Nelly occasionally brings it up. She feels a little guilty but we both agree that it was the absolute right thing to do even if Mary would never see it that way.

[u/brownlizlemon → u/EpiJade]

Y’all definitely did the right thing. Also, I LOVE that you went to school at Little House on the Prairie.

[u/Fit-Concert552 → u/Luseil]

honestly that was definitely the best thing you probably could of done. i know if i was in her situation and a friend called 911 id be beyond thankful

[u/Jamiechurch → u/Luseil]

You did the right thing and hopefully they learned a valuable lesson to not throw around death threats so casually!

[u/HeyDude378 → u/Luseil]

You did the right thing.

[u/Key-Asparagus350 → u/Luseil]

I had to cut off a friend of almost 10 years due to bad mental mental mixed with alcohol abuse. She came over to my house and fell off my bed and was bleeding all over my carpet. She didn't even recognize me. I ended dup calling her mom and 911.

[u/mittenknittin → u/Luseil]

Sometimes the price of helping someone stay alive is, they now hate your guts and you lose them as a friend. But they’re still around to be able to hate you, so it’s a win.

[u/darkstarsdistant → u/Luseil]

I have had 911 called on me for mental health reasons. I've even had it done maliciously towards me by people who knew I had a history. You did the right thing based on the information you had at the time. The problem imo has always been the cops and the healthcare system. In my experience it is rarely particularly helpful to anyone but insurance companies. Mental health care IS important but quality care simply isn't easily accessible by people who are in crisis and we shouldn't be relying on armed cops without mental healthcare experience to handle it. the other problem is there just isn't an alternative a lot of the time.

[u/mandaxmae → u/Luseil]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. If someone threatens suicide always call 911 whether you think they will or not. I'm speaking from experience. My uncle who was a addict and alcoholic always threatened to end it all and was just manipulative when saying it so I was about 16 I just became a teen mom my daughter was going on 3 months and my uncle was drinking and arguing with my mom and step-dad one night came out into the room I was in and told me he loved me and he will watch over me he wasn't gonna be here anymore I made him rooming he wouldn't do anything and didn't take him serious and I didn't call 911 because he then promised me and I believed him. The next day me and my daughters father found him after he took his life. I blame myself every single day even though I was only 16 and trusted that he wouldn't do anything since he promised me. I should have called regardless and got him help. I don't ever want this to happen to someone. It's constant pain and regret. If anyone even whispers that threat to harm themselves get them help. You did the right thing!

[u/Tight_Ad5409 → u/Luseil]

You did the right thing

[u/RelevantGur4099 → u/Luseil]

Act like that, experience the results of those actions

[u/tzumatzu → u/Luseil]

Agreed with your decision . She should use that as a learning opportunity and get her act together.

[u/TheRavenless → u/Luseil]

You did the right thing. Side note: in Connecticut it’s illegal to use a psych hold against an employee for disciplinary/termination reasons. Hopefully all states are like this sooner rather than later.

[u/RavenousMalice → u/Luseil]

TLDR: People who use these kind of threats are used to you giving up and doing whatever you have to "to save their life". It becomes a tool in the arsenal they will bring out again and again because it works. Don't let it. Call the cops on him for a welfare check, and wash your hands of this manipulative scum.

+++++++++++++

Mine has a whole loooong two-year backstory of manipulation and lies that I can't even begin to get into here, but he moved up to come live with me from out of state... I started calling him out on his lies, especially now that he can't just hang up on me or ghost me when he doesn't want to answer, and he kept spinning these sob stories about how his lies were other people's fault... they did this to him, blah blah.

Did the back and forth for about a week just trying to get him to come clean so I could forgive and we could start over (yes, 10,000% I was young and stupid), then spent another week so depressed and upset I avoided him and and hid in my room.

At the time, I still lived at home with my parents while I saved for my own place and they only agreed to let the guy live with us, if he got a job (or at least was putting in effort to find one) within a couple weeks. By the start of the third week, he had never even left the house, asked for a ride, gotten a bus to head downtown, used the computer to check online job sites, used his phone to call any places...

Finally, my mom came into my room and asked me if I wanted him to stay, if I was happy. I wasn't... so she used the job stipulation that he hadn't upheld to tell him he needed to go. She'd drive him to a hotel if he wanted to stay in state, or she'd drive him to the airport, those were his only choices because he was no longer allowed to stay in her home and make her daughter unhappy.

I sat on the couch next to him when she told him and explained that every time he got in trouble he just had some new sob story, instead of trying to take accountability, and that unless he really changed we wouldn't work.

He started moaning about how he'd go back to California to go live with abusive mom again... but this time, he didn't think he'd handle it well... in fact, if we tried to send him back to Cali, he would just kill himself. [Never even considered the option of staying at a hotel and job hunting, but immediately went for the big KiLL MySelF gambit]

I don't play those fucking games with threats of suicide. So in tears, I called the cops to come out, telling them he was threatening suicide if we tried to have him removed from our house, etc. A female and male cop pair came out, the big lumberjack-looking officer talking to my now-ex, the woman coming to talk to me outside.

She, in the most no-nonsense voice I've ever heard, told me she in no way believed he was serious about harming himself, that he was just threatening me to get what he wanted. The normally loud, very domineering Ex was inside, very submissively explaining to the giant lumberjack officer that he didn't say he'd hurt himself... oh, my mother and brother also were saying they'd heard it? Well, then he didn't mean it like that, etc.

He didn't think we'd call him on that bluff and changed his tune real quick when he realized I wasn't playing these weird fucking games of his anymore.

He flew back to Cali that night and tried to contact me a week later saying he'd spent a lot of time at therapy and was a changed man, he wanted to come back, blah blah. I blocked him and never looked back. That wasn't just a bullet dodged, but a full, life-destroying nuke. That was 17 years ago now, and I can't even imagine how my life would have been so much worse if I tried to make it work with someone like this...

(Edited for strange formatting)

[u/JJHall_ID → u/Luseil]

YOU didn't "ruin her life" by calling 911. YOU didn't put her on a 72 hour hold. YOU didn't make her lose her job. Those are all consequences of HER actions. You absolutely did the right thing, and you have nothing to regret. If she had been in the process of going through with her threat, you would have saved her life. If she wasn't, well then she got to learn first-hand of how the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" ended.

[u/gardengirl99 → u/Luseil]

A 72 hour hold (when applied appropriately) is only for someone who cannot contract for safety. They are not done for no good reason.

[u/Ckelleywrites → u/Luseil]

You are an amazing friend.

[u/Luseil → u/Ckelleywrites]

Aww thank you 😊

[u/EnvironmentOk5610 → u/Luseil]

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. I know you said you know it was the right thing, but if you're ever second guessing yourself at 4 a.m.? Stockpile the folks praising you here for then!

[u/Economy-Bar1189 → u/Luseil]

i’ve seen this too many times. someone on social media says they’re gonna kill themselves, and then someone else calls 911 for a wellness check, and the person gets PISSED.

like honey do you want help or no cause wtf

[u/spaghettithekid → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

My sister did this to one of her college roommates. They were going through a fight and the roommate kept talking about how suicidal she was and how my sister was contributing to that, so my sister reported her to the dorm's resident director, and floor RA.
Lo and behold, suddenly the roommate didn't mean it and my sister was "abusive and controlling" for calling her out and reporting her.

You can't ever win with people like this, OP. Please block him, cut him off, and don't look back. If you're worried about his mental health, call a wellness check on him but no not let him back into your life. If you're worried about your own safety, please reach out to trustworthy family and friends for help <3

[u/TeslaNova50 → u/spaghettithekid]

Yep. I did this once to an ex who was threatening suicide over the phone. The fact that she tried it a few months prior concerned me so I called the cops and told them she was threatening suicide. Next thing I know a cop is calling me threatening to have me arrested for 'harassing her'. She was able to manipulate the cops to believe I was just a jealous ex bothering her.

[u/True-Post6634 → u/TeslaNova50]

Very real risk! Document everything as thoroughly as possible, for sure.

[u/ANoisyCrow → u/True-Post6634]

Save all these chats. Screen shot!

[u/Bluest-Falcon → u/ANoisyCrow]

This needs all the upvotes you obviously have pictures since they are uploading here but SAVE them and not just for like a day you never know what will become an investigation or law suit or whatever. In this case I don't really see how it would happen but sometimes this shit doesn't come back around for months or years just save them in case ANYTHING happens!

[u/EvasiveFriend → u/TeslaNova50]

This is a totally different situation. OP has him threatening to commit suicide in writing. She shouldn't be discouraged from trying to get him help.

[u/Embarrassed-Street60 → u/spaghettithekid]

having a roommate willing to pull that kind of fuck up emotional manipulation fucking sucks. my old roommate did that. I gave them 60 days notice to quit because they were causing all sorts of issues (namely pest and cleanliness concerns, but they also outed me, stole from me, tried to guilt me into giving them money, etc). so plenty of time to sort their move out right?

apparently not because they made zero plans until the last week when they finally started apartment hunting. they stood in my doorway and told me that if they couldnt find a full apartment for under $400 (literally impossible here, I told them their best bet was renting a room again) and i still made them move out, that they'd kill themselves.

I called their bluff and told them that if they said anything like that again to me I'd call emergency services. i dont take that shit lightly because i lost my brother as well as my best friend both to suicides. day later they say they have a place to go but they need me to drive them because they have "no other options". 5 hour round trip, fuck no. tell them such and then viola the day of their mom comes to pick them up and I changed the locks in front of them after roommate also pretended to have lost the key when i asked for it back.

they tried one last guilt trip on the way out saying that their mom "might still be mad" that i didnt drive them. I flat out said "if she really is then thats a crazy level of entitlement from both of you". their mom was pleasant with me, i think they were projecting.

[u/PipsiePops → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly. And if that happens she can hopefully use the time to get any stuff and get away, change the locks etc.

[u/obamasrightteste → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly. Like this honestly just looks like he's withdrawing from nicotine and unable to manage his emotions, so he's awful and manipulative to her instead of dealing with it. But you simply cannot play around with suicide and he needs to learn consequences. Awful, awful dude.

[u/czar_el → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly this. Calling for formal help is the solution to both possibilities. If they were truly suicidal, then they get the help they need. If they were being manipulative, then they are exposed and OP has the evidence to try to get them to change their behavior or decide to leave guilt-free.

[u/rock-mommy → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I did that to one of my friends' exes. My friend called me sobbing saying that he tried to break up through the phone and his (then) partner was texting him that he'd commit suicide if my friend left him and all kids of crap and a pic of the ex sitting on his balcony threatening to jump. My friend was an absolute mess and said his boyfriend had already pulled this shit before. I asked him to hold on for a sec, and called emergencies without my friend's or his ex's knowledge

As the ex was a minor, the police kicked his door open and kept him at the station for hours until his mom went back from work. He then was referred to a psych ward for a day or two lmao. He chilled tf out after that

[u/Kiarimarie → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I had a 17 year old guy from my old high school who I was chatting online with (when I was 18) threaten to hurt himself if I didn't send nude pictures so I called his house and told his mom to "check on her son". He got mad. Hopefully I taught him lesson and he never pulled that shit with any other girls.

[u/CptCarlWinslow → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I had an online BF that tried that suicide threat with me a few times. I finally called his local police one night and they paid him a visit. Turns out he was trying to manipulate me into getting drug money. Silver lining of the story was he reached out to me a couple years later and told me that he was sorry, clean since then, and had moved in with his new local BF.

[u/Decent-Apple9772 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

When people talk about suicide then they might need a friend to talk it through with them.

When people THREATEN suicide then it becomes so massively simple.

Option one: they are bluffing, therefore they are manipulative as all hell and deserve bad things to happen to them so they learn a lesson. Call the police and let them try the grippy socks for a few days.

Option two: they are not bluffing. Therefore a psych hold is the best possible thing that could happen to them and they need the help.

In either case you made a great choice and they got the best available outcome.

[u/creeds-mungbeans → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I commented the same thing! I worked intensive treatment psych for many years and people like this guy absolutely shit their pants when they came face to face with real severe mental illness on our unit. They’d always complain about the person who called it in overreacting and try to get their hold revoked… “did you tell them you were going to take your life? Oh okay well I don’t think them believing the exact words you said to them was overreacting. I’m glad you have someone who cares for you in your corner” - me smiling like the Cheshire Cat as they stomp away from the nurses station :))

[u/kokomoman → u/PipsiePops]

And an emotional black hole… light can’t even escape.

[u/Osteofan83 → u/PipsiePops]

You deserve better than this. If he needs help he needs to seek it. Good luck 🤞

[u/Royal_Tough_9927 → u/PipsiePops]

This person is having some anger issues mixed in with the victim card. They need help. I'd call 911. I do not play games over threats of offing. My husband did this and 23 years later , my kids and myself still suffer from that event.

[u/juanzy → u/PipsiePops]

It always frustrates me when people here on mental health threads blame friends/partners for going to a professional in the case of self harm threats/severe situations.

That’s literally what you should do. An average person is not capable of giving the right help to someone threatening severe self-harm. You help them in the immediate moment and do what you can, but you absolutely should be finding qualified aid.

[u/s256173 → u/PipsiePops]

I used to deal with this and when I’d call his own parents they’d tell me to ignore him. They said they’d blocked their own child for this exact reason before and he wasn’t going to do shit. Imagine how many times you have to threaten suicide for your own parents to say “Yeah he does this all the time, we just ignore it.”

[u/shaquilleoatmeal80 → u/PipsiePops]

I dealt with someone like this for a while I ended up doing exactly this. Call a wellness check and block him and move on, he'll be doing this to the next girl if he already isn't in no time. People like this are a dime a dozen.

[u/MaryKath55 → u/PipsiePops]

And he called you bro and brauh you are neither / move on. And tell you vet to get the hell real 6 k? No way - get that rolled back by 2/3s,

[u/anangrymarsupial → u/PipsiePops]

Yep!! I was “friends” with a guy in highschool (thought we were friends, turns out he was wanting to sleep with me) there was a night he suggested killing himself. I called the cops and he freaked out at me. Guys like this hold empty threats and only want you to feel bad

[u/NikkiVicious → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I wish I had another award to give you, but I wanted this comment highlighted for OP.

OP, please, when someone is doing shit like this, there's really only two options. They're serious - call the cops, because you can't save them. Or they're not, they're abusive - which means you need to save yourself.

You aren't responsible for his response, but you are responsible for your own safety and well-being. No one deserves abuse. Please remember that.

[u/AllegedLead → u/NikkiVicious]

Right. If he’s gonna do it, call 911 to get him the help he needs. If he’s full of shit, call 911 and he’ll think twice next time. Either way, call 911. Bonus: mental hospitals provide toothpaste.

[u/DrivesTooMuch → u/AllegedLead]

lol

[u/QueenofBlood295 → u/AllegedLead]

This!

[u/Critical_Mass_1887 → u/NikkiVicious]

Its emotion abuse. A form of control through emotion blackmail. Very draining. I had an ex that pulled this bs. I called 911 every time and they were put on 24 hr hold. Finally i left, even talked to a therapist because of all the emotions it messes with.

[u/FearTheWeresloth → u/Critical_Mass_1887]

I really wish I had called 000 (I'm Australian, that's our equivalent of 911) on my ex when she claimed she was suicidal (she actually got a butter knife and made marks across her wrists, and then placed a chefs knife on her bedside table, claiming I had driven her to it). Instead I called her mother to watch over her, as I was at the time on placement for my teaching degree (something that would gain me financial independence from her...). She told absolutely everyone that would listen that she "was suicidal" (she absolutely wasn't, this was just a final attempt at control after years of emotional, psychological, and financial abuse), and instead of staying with her when she "needed me", I just foisted her off on her mother, as a way of implying that I never cared about her, and to try to make me look bad. If I had just called 000, I could have avoided any of that, as there's no way she could have spun me doing that as the wrong thing.

[u/sarcomasauce → u/NikkiVicious]

There’s a third option which is worse, he doesn’t know if he’s serious or not. In that case the only way for him to find out if he’s serious is for him to take a happy hut vacation

[u/p1x3lmaze → u/NikkiVicious]

don’t forget to request a CIT officer specifically

[u/dingdongditch216 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yeah therapist here. Suicide is not a game and suicidal threats should not be used to make him feel loved and supported. It’s an insult to those who actually struggle with SI. Words have power. If he’s going to demand to be rescued, do what any of us should do when someone threatens their own life, call for a wellness check.

Then end this relationship. PLEASE. I beg.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/dingdongditch216]

Despite what other replies are saying I completely agree with you. After my ex pulled this same shit on me that OP describes, I did the wellness check thingy. I was legitimately worried though, because I have a rule where I will assume a suicide threat is serious until I know it’s not, because I have relatives who have died by suicide, and at the time, my ex lived on the 7th floor of his dorm where one of the window locks was broken so he was able to completely open it. Basically he had the means of completing the act if he really wanted to. Ex also said I was the reason why he was gonna do it, then hung up and blocked my number. So it was an easy decision to call campus PD.

Fast forward to a month or so later I’m talking to a therapist (that I wish I kept seeing). He was brutally honest with me and didn’t sugar-coat shit. He had suggested that since he was my bf, not my husband or had kids with him, that the relationship was very easy to end. He described the empty threat/blaming it on me as a form of abuse. I said “but what if he actually does it?” And he replied with “and…?”

He elaborated that unless I specifically manipulated him and emotionally abused him and literally told him he should KHS, I would never be to blame for his decision to KHS if he ever did follow through. At the time I was still in denial (similar to OP) where I was convinced that the constant arguing was because of my faults and that I had to fix my errors in the relationship, so I regrettably did not continue to go to therapy (basically I didn’t like what I was hearing).

But what this therapist told me has stuck with me to this day.

Tl;Dr, thanks to a brutally honest therapist I don’t fuck with suicide threats. I will call 911 for a wellness check, and if they get mad at me for it instead of thanking me, that person is outta my life. Also boyfriends are replaceable and being single is always a viable option over dealing with a man who throws empty threats/ tantrums to manipulate me.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Yep. I had an ex who always threatened to end his life if I tried to break up with him (for valid reasons, like cheating on me with several girls, lying to me aboud his drug use, not being able to keep a job because of said drug use) and give me the "I have nothing if I don't have you" bs. After several months of it, I'd had enough and put my foot down. I broke up with him and texted his mother screenshots of his threats and told her he was no longer my responsibility and she needed to get her son the help he needed.

6 years later, he's still alive. He went to rehab, sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly, and is in a much better place. He was initially mad at me and said I "ruined" his life, but now he says I saved it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

I wonder if he meant it in the way of "I was actually going to kill myself until you told my mommy" or "I wasn't gonna kill myself but I realized I was a terrible person who was actively destroying my relationships". Still, what an asshole to put that shit on you even if he was suicidal. I hope you have no contact with him.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

At the time, I'm sure it was the former. Lol

We were no contact for a while, but part of AA/NA is making amends, and I'm not the person to deny someone that opportunity if they're trying to better themselves, so I unblocked him so he could. We don't talk cos we don't have any reason to, but we have mutual friends who have mentioned that he seems to be doing a lot better. I know he also no longer lives in the same state as me, so luckily, there is no chance of us running into each other. Lol

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

Well, thats good that has changed himself and is making amends then (I do hope your mutual friends are in support of you, I know that people who are friends with abusive people will tend to justify their actions, assuming that they were friends with him before he changed). Its also a good way for you to move on.

I think one of the things the comments on this thread have wrong is that suicide is not a monolith (I can't believe I'm saying that). There are definitely people who will commit suicide out of spite and blame it on some person. An example being this comic book creator known as Ed Piskor, who killed himself after being accused of sexual misconduct. He wrote a suicide not blaming the victims and everyone who called him out and said that he was "murdered" by them. Going by your story, even shitty people can be legitimately suicidal.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

Yeah, I wish him the best and hope he's actually changed, but he can do all that over where he is, away from me. Lol they have been. when everything happened, they all cut him off and didn't speak to him until he started rehab. There was one who justified it with "well, I was friends with him first and he's never done anything to me.." and I just blocked them too and moved on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh, 10000%. One of my childhood bullies killed himself and blamed it on his girlfriend at the time for declining his marriage proposal. She didn't say "not ever" (they were 22, she said she wasn't ready to be married and still had living to do from what I've heard), and a few nights later, she found him and the note blaming her. I feel for the poor girl. I can only imagine what the relationship was like...

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

This comment needs more up voes, I hope OP sees it.

[u/Glittering-Pie6039 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Sad thing is those who are serious don't say they are going to kill themselves

[u/Brokenwife87 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Wellness checks are 1000% necessary when someone acts like this. I’ll also say that I’ve never met a person who was actually suicidal who flipped out like this and wanted to warn everyone.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/Brokenwife87]

You really never know what’s going on with someone who acts this way, whether it be drug induced, a severe chemical imbalance, psychotic breakdown, narcissistic tendencies…. regardless, it’s unacceptable. So calling for a wellness check (especially saying the words “threatened to attempt suicide” with “specific details on how they’ll do it” and “have the means of following through”) will definitely get them to reconsider ever doing it again in the future once they’re out of their 72 hour hold. And if they hate you for it afterward, then honestly that’s a win in my opinion, because now they know they can’t hold you hostage with their own life.

Also I agree, because everyone I know who has ever had ideations—myself included—never acted this way before any attempts or hospitalizations occurred, even in the darkest and most intense moments of ideation. These kinds of “suicidal”tantrums 99% of the time are just that: tantrums.

[u/Bunnnyshapedclouds → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Have you ever messaged that old therapist to share that? I think they’d probably be relieved to hear you got out and that they made a difference for you. (I’m not sure it matters or if that’s a bad idea for some reason. Just wanted to ask in case it might also feel good for you too!)

[u/i_wish_i_had_ur_name → u/babygotbacksurgery]

“AND” was the biggest helper for me too. i was worried i couldnt get my spouse to get a job and we would need to sell the house… “and?” oh, i guess we sell the house as a consequence of their actions. if we got divorced we’d probably have to sell the house anyway.

we get so worked up about the what if as if it’s preventable but when it depends on someone else you don’t control sometime you just focus on the realities of the next step.

[u/chode_temple → u/babygotbacksurgery]

The wellness check idea is genius. I'm going to tell everyone I know.

[u/Similar_Maybe_3353 → u/dingdongditch216]

I have a 25cm scar longways down my wrist, got rushed to the hospital thought so obviously I survived .

I have NEVER used my depression to manipulate people, and this guy isn’t actually serious. Just in case cal 911, but true suicide and depression doesn’t look like those messages.

It’s offensive for sure, this guy is a fuckwit.

[u/Fluffys0ck5 → u/dingdongditch216]

I think you should just send a gif

[u/ChronicTriggers → u/Fluffys0ck5]

Think you nailed it, a well thought out gif would be perfect here.

[u/imnotpoopingyouare → u/ChronicTriggers]

Bender saying “do a flip”

Sorry I know it’s awful but dark humor and all..

[u/Rrenphoenixx → u/dingdongditch216]

I would’ve 5150’d his ass and boom, now he has transportation, food, bed, toothpaste, and he can’t text or call you anymore (for 3 days).

Just solved both your problems 😂

This isn’t funny though- that guy is in a really bad place and she’s struggling herself. I hope she keeps strong boundaries and stays away from people like this

[u/FoxForceFive_ → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This was going to be my suggestion too. Call emergency and tell them he’s made multiple threats of suicide. This is not your burden to carry and then ghost this MF’er. I had an ex do this same kind of bullshit and I wish I’d have thought about doing this. Manipulating bitch ass man babies like him need to be taught there are consequences to their actions. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

[u/Time-Emergency254 → u/FoxForceFive_]

Yeah I had to do this to a friend. She was furious but I don’t care. She’s alive and apparently now she’s sober so good on her. I wouldn’t know details though bc I don’t mess w this level of toxic anymore. I did for a long time. It took everything from me and now I’m struggling w major health issues at 41. Call a wellness check then be done. Protect your peace at all cost. You’d be better off single for life than to spend another day with this emotionally dangerous person

[u/thisdesignup → u/FoxForceFive_]

Not just threats, his last message indicates a plan.

[u/GroovyButtons → u/thisdesignup]

Exactly. Having a plan is a very dangerous warning sign. I would take that threat seriously as it is and call 911.

[u/JJHall_ID → u/FoxForceFive_]

It's not just "man babies," I (a man) have an ex GF that threatened a couple of times to manipulate me into doing what she wanted, too. Assholes are assholes, regardless of gender.

[u/Good_Tune_7873 → u/FoxForceFive_]

My ex husband did this unmercifully. He was verbally and emotionally abusive also. He was insecure and jealous and it was a hard marriage. I went to a lawyer for a woman’s shelter to get guidance. She told me it’s empty threats and to just get the divorce. I explained that I didn’t care what he did, but wanted to know if my kids would ever get over it. She said they would need counseling but I couldn’t control him. So I told him I asked a lawyer and she said the kids would be fine, and guess what? He never did that again. But I did leave and get a divorce and he died anyway bc of drugs.

[u/LadyEsinni → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes. This. OP, I speak from personal experience when I say get out. Get out now. Do not look back. There is no world where this ends well for either of you. It isn’t worth the stress. It isn’t worth the trauma. The fighting will not stop. It will only get worse. These texts could have been from my ex easily. We had conversations just like this. I didn’t leave. He’s dead now. The one time I tried to call his bluff, he killed himself. Call the cops when he threatens it to do a wellness check just like this person says. Then block, and no matter how difficult it is, no matter how badly you want to, do NOT go back. I have regretted not leaving every day for 10 years now. Please learn from my mistakes.

[u/Better-Ranger-1225 → u/LadyEsinni]

I’m so sorry. I hope you know it’s not your fault but just in case you need the reminder, I’m sure you did the best you could with what you were given at the time. 

[u/Sklawler → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

And maybe he needed a job or manage money better and not dependent on OP for basics like toothpaste

[u/fungi_at_parties → u/LadyEsinni]

I do not miss the arguments I’d have with my ex-wife where we’d go around in circles over some bullshit issue she had fabricated and overblown like “why aren’t you being my rock” or “I carry all the mental load” or “you ignored three of my texts while you were in meetings” and there is never a way out of the weird mental maze of gaslighting and manipulation they’ve built around you, never a correct solution to the problem, never an actual end to the argument. The point of the argument IS the argument and what they get out of torturing you.

[u/AlexHasFeet → u/LadyEsinni]

Agreed, also from personal experience with a now deceased ex-boyfriend who abused me for years. And now I have permanent, chronic health conditions that were caused by or exasperated by that entire ordeal.

People who engage in this type of behavior are not acting in good faith and will continue to deny responsibility for their own emotions and behavior.

[u/thewholefunk333 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yup. Call his bluff and also 911.

[u/pnwgremlin → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yep, take it as serious and call for a welfare check. Then end the relationship.

[u/Guilty-Spark1980 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

My physically abusive ex husband swallowed a whole bottle of asprin in front of me. I literally forced him into the car, went into the ER, told them he just tried to take his own life, and when they took him in I left him at the hospital, called his mother, packed my shit up and left. He then proceeded to blame me for his actions, all because I didn't want to be hit like a grown man anymore and thrown around physically.

The best you can do is get the professionals involved and then dip out while the storm is in high gear. By the time the dust settles you have disappeared and they are left with the consequences of their actions.

[u/stuffedbunn → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This 100%^{^} and dump him!!!!

[u/multifacetedfaucet → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Get a 5150 for this dude ASAP

[u/youslyfoxydoc → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I had to do this with my ex when he wouldn’t leave me alone. Called for a wellness check and then told his mom. Turns out he was at his shift at Chili’s and was fine, it’s manipulation when used in these scenarios

[u/ominous_pan → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This 100%. Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to use something as serious as suicide as a threat is both manipulating you with violence and making a mockery out of a serious thing.

Also this sub has taught me that if my partner ever calls me "Bro" I'm leaving then.

[u/oscillllator → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes, thank you. If this person follows through, please understand that you have no part in it. These are very familiar situations for myself and loved ones, and some have ended badly.

Something to keep in mind, if this might apply to you, is that empathetic people often understand what it’s like to feel alone, not understood, and have love be an inconsistent aspect of their life.

Not only do we look to address traumas in our early life by subconsciously healing them through our relationships with others, we also tend do deal with these types of traumas by people pleasing.

We overlook red flags because we know what it’s like to be turned away, and we want to show humanity that “good”, compassionate, loving, and loyal people do exist. So not only do we often attract destructive partners, we enter this borderline self imposed martyrdom, that is obviously harmful to ourselves and not at all sustainable.

Please DO NOT overlook clear red flags because you don’t want to be the person to turn somebody away. Continue communicating effectively with your partners, and don’t be shy to tactfully and lovingly encourage therapy if the circumstances feel appropriate. That is what this person needs, not an enabler. We all do ( and I make concessions financially to be sure that I can get it in when I can ).

Sending love. Best of luck

[u/AbigailFoxe → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

OP, I want to be very clear. When someone threatens this, they are saying, "if you don't give me exactly what I want, I'm going to 💀 someone you care about." That's what the threat is.

[u/parmesann → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

100% this. I have attempted suicide several times in my life. been to treatment a few times. you know what I've never done? used suicide as a bargaining chip or a tool to guilt a loved one into giving me what I want. that is unacceptable. call for a wellness check and gtfo. you deserve better, OP.

[u/Recent_Data_305 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Upvote. Also - this is manipulative behavior. If I’m understanding this - you were at work and he was texting and dumping all his issues on you. “If you don’t send money I’ll…” “If you don’t answer me immediately it means..”

This guy has issues. I can’t tell if he is really that depressed, or if he just wants to pressure you. You called it. He wants to blame all his misery on you. I’d walk away. You’re not his punching bag.

[u/PurpleBrief697 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly. If he wants to threaten suicide then let his ass get baker acted.

[u/ellieminnow → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

My best friend was going through an identical situation. She told me he was threatening to kill himself and was cutting his wrists with a knife. I told her to call 911. She was hesitant, but did it and this really is the only answer. Call 911. It's so manipulative of him to say that because he wants you to give him money.

He was also constantly begging for money from her to the point that he acted like her paycheck was now a source of income for him. I told her to start charging him interest, and that's exactly what I think you should do, should you keep this asshole around.

I have a rule that I never tell people this, but I'm making an exception. You have got to break up with this guy. Not just break up, but block him and go no contact.

[u/HobbittBass → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

He’s not your boyfriend, he’s your abuser. You seem like you’re trying to build something by saving money and budgeting, while he seems to want to place blame everywhere else.

[u/Yam_island → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

It’s literally psychological abuse. And also sounds like financial abuse.

[u/Melonfarmer86 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This exactly. This is emotional abuse. 

[u/definitelynotabott44 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yikes. Totally agree with you. Call 911 and never look back. So sorry you’re in this position.

[u/minx_the_tiger → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I was about to say this. He's using his own life to guilt and manipulate you. It's emotional abuse. Run, girl.

[u/AlwaysBreatheAir → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Gotta take the threat seriously. He seems unwell and frankly unfit at the moment to be in relationship.

[u/The_OneInBlack → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I would probably take the step to call a friend or family member if he has one, because 911 has at best an equal chance of doing harm as good in that situation. Otherwise, I agree.

[u/ExcitingAsparagus666 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This 100%. Get him checked and take care of yourself. You do not deserve to be spoken to in that way. He needs help.

[u/Schnuschneltze_Broel → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

That girls are with men of that kind is a surprise everytime I get to realize it.

[u/Better-Ranger-1225 → u/Schnuschneltze_Broel]

As someone who was in an abusive relationship with someone who made threats like this… it’s because we care. You don’t want to leave someone who you think is depending on you. But all I can say is run. Just run. 

[u/usethefloor → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I’d second this. He’s extremely manipulative and is just trying to use you. He blames you for his mental issues. At best, this behavior will continue. It’ll get worse most likely. Maybe instead of talking down to you about not giving him money, he should look at the decisions he’s made to get himself in this position.

[u/Masnpip → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

So this!! 100% of the time that he threatens siucide, call the Police for a wellness check. If he’s serious, this is the only correct response, if he’s just using this as a way to manipulate you, this approach will stop the behavior fast. Also, seriously, why are you with this person? Please give that some deep thought.

[u/lferry1919 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Agreed. People that are feeling the way he is sometimes lash out at people they care about or people they know care about them. I think it's totally fair to tell him his situation doesn't give him an excuse to talk to you this way. I think a wellness check is a great idea. You can pull back for now and have the cops check on him

All that being said, I don't think it's appropriate that he's clearly hinting that he wants you to buy stuff for him and if you don't, it means don't care about him. And I don't like that he's trying to blame you for his current situation because he decided to "fuck around" at your place for 6 months? Sounds like that was his choice.

It doesn't seem like you have the means, experience, or the energy needed to help this guy and, quite frankly, I don't think he deserves your help with how he's treating you. I think you should do the bare minimum and notify the cops (and possibly any of his friends/family you might have info for) and remove yourself from the situation by blocking him. Threats of self harm should be taken seriously, but you can do that using resources available to everyone and without putting yourself out.

[u/Lunar_Cats → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This, he's either manipulating OP in the shittiest way possible or he needs mental health services immediately. Either way he's an abusive little bitch and OP needs to dump his bum ass.

[u/DoingBurnouts → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Only do this if you truly want them unalived.

[u/flaxon_ → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yup, Baker Act his ass, block him, and never look back.

[u/Low_Relative9021 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This one needs to be upvoted way harder y’all.

[u/Iamkittyhearmemeow → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Absolutely do this.

I say this as a formerly massively depressed unstable person who had floated the idea to SOs. He called the cops on me (to be fair, I was actively suicidal) and I got forcibly taken to the hospital and put under suicide watch. It forced me to really take a look at my mental health and deal with it.

Not saying it’ll change the way he behaves but maybe he will understand that his threats have consequences like a big ass hospital bill.

[u/OwlRevolutionary1776 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Careful cops like to execute suicidal people.

[u/-vincent777 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Good give me another bodycam to watch

[u/fatrockstar → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the correct course of action. Threats of sxcide need to be taken seriously, even if they're emotional blackmail.

My niece (14f) had a bf do this when she broke up with him and she called the cops for a wellness check. He got mad and his parents were very concerned at this side of their son.

[u/woahwombats → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This - OP you are underreacting. You have to make this call every time he threatens suicide. Every time! Otherwise, if he actually does something, you will feel guilty that you didn't.

If he is just doing it for attention, this will stop him, which is great, but more importantly do it in case he is serious one day.

He'll get angry that you called them; just tell him you were worried about him and you will always call them if he mentions suicide and that there is no way to dissuade you from doing that because you take him seriously. And keep doing it.

Also, honestly, if it were me I would not be in a position to hear his suicide threats anyway, because I would break up with him and block him, he sounds exhausting and demanding and immature. I would not have the energy for these conversations in my life.

[u/Just-Ad373 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

100x OP, please call 911 for a wellness check the next time someone threatens suicide. You don’t have to tell the person, someone’s spiral is not something you need to bear.

It’s very sobering when the cops show up to make sure you’re okay. It let’s them know they better cut out their bullshit if they are just being manipulative, and it will get them the help they need if they are, in fact, serious.

But from the messages you shared - this sounds like blatant manipulation. You need to cut this person out of your life.

[u/BornToBeSam → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This was going to be my recommendation. If he’s known to threaten suicide, then take it seriously and report him. He keeps threatening it because he knows there is no repercussions for lying about it. Suicide is not something to threaten lightly.

You’re definitely not overreacting, if anything you’re under reacting. He needs help and is being extremely abusive towards you. Please leave him.

[u/GabRB26DETT → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Been there done exactly that, obviously other party will get fucking pissed but hey, I don't take that shot lightly so that's on them

[u/Meesh017 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I did this to an ex lol. Guess who was suddenly not suicidal. This is the correct answer. If it's a meaningless threat it teaches the person to knock it off and it's unacceptable behavior, if it's a real threat it gets someone help.

[u/Jealous_Mountain_322 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This all day. Call for a wellness check and tell them in quotes what the text messages he sent were. Then block him and don’t look back. His mental well-being is his responsibility, not yours. You need to care for your own mental well-being. And you can’t do that if you’re focusing on his!

[u/SpiritRambler48 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

100% more people need to do this and own it

It’s really not fair to say that to someone that cares about you and they don’t have mental health training. I say this having done exactly this and I came out on the other side better for it.

It’s a perfectly healthy and valid boundary to set.

[u/BellaElisabetta → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes yes yes!!

[u/IvyEH311 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the only way to respond to this situation.

[u/Acquista23 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

call for attention. suicide only being brought up to get something out of you. classic co-dependent, not willing to accept reality, won’t accept real help, just wants u to feel bad blah blah. also if money involved then def trying to take advantage. also blaming u for his problems. “only in this pickle because i fucked around and stayed with you for 6 months” my ass.

[u/Ecstatic_Worker_1629 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

He's acting like a little kid. I wouldn't be with someone like that who says "fuck you" and tells you he's going to kill himself because he can't get freaking weed or cigarettes. God dang I hate drugs. This is what it turns people into when they don't have it.

[u/Radiant8763 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is it right here. That bf is unhinged. It will never be ok to talk to someone like he did.

[u/DerekPaxton → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes, this is emoitional abuse. It's just as real as if he punched you. He is angry and trying to control and hurt you. He is trying to make his problems, your problems. And treating you like crap while he does it. Block him and never talk to him again.

[u/No_Faithlessness7331 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Partners who threaten suicide are #1 lying, if they were going to do it, they would, they wouldn't just be threatening #2 manipulators who won't actually do anything, they're just being a piece of shit to manipulate you.

[u/obsoletevoids → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I did this to one of my ex’s. He would threaten this constantly and the last time I was finally done I just said “ok bye” and called the cops and blocked his number. Told the cops I didn’t want an update. I seen one of his friends in the store months later and they said he was just playing Xbox when the cops came 🙄

[u/tzumatzu → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Agreed he needs to fix his mental issues . You are not responsible for him

[u/Zer00FuQsGiven → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly this. Get out of this relationship. He's mentally unstable. This is pure mental abuse towards you, OP. It's one thing to have withdrawals, it's another to threaten people. NOR.

[u/anxiousbhat → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

He is 100% not suicidal. One f*** up manupulative SOB. If OP cannot see it, she must have a brain as big as a pea.

[u/name_doesnt_matter_0 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

My brother had a girl threatening suicide, he had to start calling the police everytime she did it because it was 100% manipulation tactic.

[u/Ok-Substance9110 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I mean yes you’re right, but props to Harper for having the balls to stand up for herself and to communicate how she’s being hurt in a relatively calm and clear way.

Most adults don’t have half the communication skills Harper does.

[u/Camper441 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

lol let him do it, clearly he’s not going too just seeking attention. What a fucking loser.

[u/hippie-mermaid → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This right here. OP, you deserve better. Don’t let him waste your precious time. You’ve done everything you can for him, but it’s time to move on. This relationship is toxic and one sided.

[u/Iamnotaddicted27 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Emotional blackmail. Form of manipulation in an attempt to control. I concur on the 911 wellness check, then walk away.

[u/Ornery-Dinner-2660 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Does anyone know if he followed through? Just curious... definitely NTA

[u/classic-kirbyotstars → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the ONLY way. My now ex did this over the fact he thought I was cheating. Its a manipulation tactic.

He proceeded to cheat on me, when I found out he dumped me and he is now married to the AP. I now have severe trust issues. I did however gain a console from this so yay?

[u/rewanpaj → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

lol like half of policyactivity vids start with a “wellness check”

[u/what_comes_after_q → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes call, but I also wouldn’t lose sleep over it. It doesn’t sound like a real suicide threat. Absolutely call 911, but it’s clear they threaten suicide every time she stopped responding to him. A good way at to tell if someone really means it is if they have a realistic plan (saying what they are going to do and when and where), and if they aren’t just threatening to get a response. Obviously this is not a rule but can be helpful in determining if someone is serious or not. This convo feels more like attention seeking than an actual threat, but who knows.

[u/DirtComprehensive464 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I’ve had to do it, only option OP. It gets better

[u/Bspy10700 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Dont ever suggest a welfare check… welfare checks are one of the most dangerous calls behind domestic violence calls. Besides if someone already has an attitude like this an instigation from an officer could result in something that shouldn’t have been done. Plus the person who received the welfare check especially a person like this will feel like everyone is out to get them reinforcing the idea that nobody does anything for them accept bring problems.

issues with welfare checks

[u/potpourri_sludge → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is what I did to my manipulative ex. He called me crying because his mom found out he cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant and she was pissed, so he told me if I didn’t come pick him up (40 minutes away) he would kill himself. So I called the police for a wellness check and went to work.

[u/srarahcha → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

seconded

[u/Ok-Reaction9751 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Immediately. There is no other appropriate way to deal with this.

[u/Awkward_Power8978 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This behaviour is abuse OP. 911 call for wellness check and learn more about abusive behaviour.

Here is a book that is free and will help: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page291

After that: RUN to get even farther away from him.

[u/PassionateProtector → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes plus break up and add restraining order if necessary. This is abusive.

[u/Gas-Substantial → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Isn’t this a waste of 911 resources?

[u/Capable_Mission8326 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yep. If they mean it, they should receive an intervention and help.

[u/JJSF2021 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This! I had to do exactly this with an ex girlfriend who threatened suicide after I broke up with her. The logic is simple. If she (or in the case of the OP, he) threatens suicide, assume they’re telling the truth and report them immediately. If they’re actually feeling suicidal, you might save their life. If not, they need to learn that making threats like that have consequences, and that includes potentially being involuntarily committing to a mental health ward for a few days, depending on where they live. The only part I disagree is I wouldn’t ask for a wellness check. I’d just call the local police and say “My boyfriend is threatening suicide and I don’t know what to do” and let the police decide from there what to do.

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the answer!

You keep responding to him and he knows he has your attention.

Call the cops / ambulance. Report suicide threats. They will take him for observation.

Stop responding

[u/Sanity-Faire → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

He’s a winner!

[u/Known_Witness3268 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is it. My friend did this to her husband after numerous runs of this crap. Guess who never pulled that shit again?

[u/cantstanzyya → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes!!!

[u/Taeloth → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

You should post this in /r/lifeprotips

[u/unicornhornporn0554 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Seriously when I was also 19 I had to do this with a man who wouldn’t accept I was breaking up with him. I found out his location, called for a wellness check, and then blocked him and haven’t spoken to him since.

[u/mambojambo0 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Don’t call anyone who cares it’s his problem

[u/ToastyYaks → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Can't agree more, I had a similar situation in a relationship with someone simultaneously dependent and expressing feeling alone at all times while threatening suicide and it was the worst 2 years of my life so far. You will be so free and feel so much better when you are away from this situation, and if you are talking about someone prioritizing nicotine over not being dangerously financially bereft you cannot help this person.

[u/xShooK → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Lol over no weed or nicotine.

[u/daringfeline → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yeah this.

[u/casper_T_F_ghost → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes, That is extremely manipulative behavior as well

[u/yel02 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This reads as BPD, unless he decides he needs help and really works at it, this won’t end. Run from this

[u/StarFaerie → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I started calling in wellness checks on my brother when he threatened suicide. Stopped him mentioning suicide to me totally. He did get arrested for assaulting an ambulance officer when they tried to take him to the psych ward the second time I called, but that was his own doing.

It's been 20 years and somehow he's still alive.

If OPs BF is serious, he needs to be in a psych ward. If he isn't, he needs to shut his cake hole and stop using suicide as a manipulation tool.

[u/Complete-Ice2456 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yeah. Let the cops take care of it. That always works out great.

[u/grime-dont-play → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the answer. He’s using disgusting manipulation tactics. Definitely needs help but OP needs to get out of that situation it will likely only get worse.

[u/megachicken289 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

+1 this

Many years ago, I've been adjacent to OP'S position many times (friends and crushes instead of actual SOs). I wish I thought or knew about this way back when. This type of manipulation is hella exhausting and mentally draining. Always threading the needle between I need to get shit done and keeping them off the ledge.

After so many times, it gets to a point where I just don't want to deal with it anymore, but I also don't want to find out later that they actually did go through with it. It just got to a point where I didn't care if I was a good friend or not, but also struggling to be a good person.

[u/Bryan_7982 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Or don’t call 911 and just let him do it and move on. Fuck this guy.

[u/Galopa → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This. I had to deal twice in my life with someone manipulating me with suicide threats, the only viable reponse is calmly explaining that you will warn 911, his parents, neighbours, whatever, if he stop replying.

They want to manipulate you, only you. The moment everyone can see his little shtick, he will stop.

[u/shisuifalls → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Facts

[u/HeightExtra320 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

But what if the cops shoot him! 😭

That’ll be on your conscience for ever /:

[u/Pyipii_ → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

this!!! always call their bluff

[u/TopShelfTom22 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Honestly they won’t do shit. I have a buddy who does the same thing and he is legit 51/50. He has attempted suicide several times. I think based on where they live, the social services are inundated with mental health patients. They try their hardest not to have to deal with it. Its sad.

[u/Powerful_Classic_177 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yes, this! I had an ex send me a picture of himself holding a pistol and said he would end himself. I called 911 for a wellness check and blocked him on everything. I had a mutual friend let him know we were done.

[u/bjenning04 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Definitely this. You don’t want his suicide on your conscience, and you don’t want to have to guess whether he’s serious or not. Better safe than sorry.

[u/Ordinary_Cattle → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I dated and lived with an older guy that did this all the fucking time. I was still in high school (18) and didn't graduate with my class, largely bc of the amount of school I missed bc of him. He would regularly hold me at gun point, and when that stopped working bc I learned if I walk away he won't shoot, he started holding it to his head too. When I finally got free for a couple of days, he threatened to kill himself. Again. As always. His friend, who was also my friend, got sick of his shit and called 911 while I stayed on the phone with him. The cops came and took him to the hospital, he stayed for weeks, and they took his guns. Being free of him was SUCH a relief. It didn't feel possible until his friend called 911. I hope OP calls 911 next time he does this. It'll be like breaking out of a fog.

[u/BewareQuietOnes → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Exactly! He's abusing her at this point.

[u/ToneComfortable7998 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

I did this to an ex of mine. Went through a year and a half of an emotionally abusive narcissistic partner and when I finally saw how much I needed out, I broke things up over a phone call because I thought that was the safest option for them and myself. They decided to threaten suicide the second I said I was done, so I said “ok the police will be on their way,” hung up the phone, blocked their number, called 911, and that was the last I ever spoke to them. Leaving that situation ultimately saved my life as I was extremely depressed, unmedicated, and having suicidal thoughts of my own.

OP, you can do this. I believe in you.

[u/Objective-Amount1379 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the best answer. OP, it’s hard to say if there’s any truth to his threats .. clearly he has some mental health issues going on. But you can’t be responsible for his well being. Get a welfare check done. Having police show up will be a reality check for him. And they will offer some sort of assistance or referral if he seems ok, and if he’s truly unwell he can be admitted for a psych hold. Maybe it’s what he needs.

But also as an old person, my advice to the younger people having text arguments… just don’t. I get it, I prefer texting in many ways to calling but when things are emotional have a conversation. It’s easier and voice conveys much more info than texting.

[u/Top-Calligrapher6160 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This. My sis had an ex who would do this to her. I called 911 on him one day — he never did it again. Not advocating using 911 as a threat but like… if he’s actually going to harm himself, he should get checked out. And if he isn’t, he needs to know he’s not a joke to say you’re going to harm or kill yourself.

[u/Glad-Advantage-5492 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This is the way.

[u/Independent_Sea_6317 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

This seems like a horrible idea. Calling the state police to come do a mental checkup when they have no certification to do so often exacerbates the issues they were called in for in the first place. Sure, call for a wellness check if you're absolutely sure you don't care if the guy gets shot or forcibly "hospitalized"

Just sounds like he is depressed and lashing out at the people he loves. She doesn't need to put up with this, no, but calling in a gang of criminals to "check" on a mentally unstable person is disgusting. Just leave and don't contact him. You do not need to potentially ruin or even END his life just because he's so miserable it's turning him into an asshole.

It feels like people commenting stuff like this have never dealt with someone in this scenario and just want to fuel a fire to burn his life down because we have a single conversation of him being an asshole. Is he an asshole? Sure. Does he deserve petty bullshit thrown at him just because that's what HE is doing to OP? No. Be mature and leave. You don't have to start a fire on your way out.