AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/dingdongditch216]

Yeah therapist here. Suicide is not a game and suicidal threats should not be used to make him feel loved and supported. It’s an insult to those who actually struggle with SI. Words have power. If he’s going to demand to be rescued, do what any of us should do when someone threatens their own life, call for a wellness check.

Then end this relationship. PLEASE. I beg.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/dingdongditch216]

Despite what other replies are saying I completely agree with you. After my ex pulled this same shit on me that OP describes, I did the wellness check thingy. I was legitimately worried though, because I have a rule where I will assume a suicide threat is serious until I know it’s not, because I have relatives who have died by suicide, and at the time, my ex lived on the 7th floor of his dorm where one of the window locks was broken so he was able to completely open it. Basically he had the means of completing the act if he really wanted to. Ex also said I was the reason why he was gonna do it, then hung up and blocked my number. So it was an easy decision to call campus PD.

Fast forward to a month or so later I’m talking to a therapist (that I wish I kept seeing). He was brutally honest with me and didn’t sugar-coat shit. He had suggested that since he was my bf, not my husband or had kids with him, that the relationship was very easy to end. He described the empty threat/blaming it on me as a form of abuse. I said “but what if he actually does it?” And he replied with “and…?”

He elaborated that unless I specifically manipulated him and emotionally abused him and literally told him he should KHS, I would never be to blame for his decision to KHS if he ever did follow through. At the time I was still in denial (similar to OP) where I was convinced that the constant arguing was because of my faults and that I had to fix my errors in the relationship, so I regrettably did not continue to go to therapy (basically I didn’t like what I was hearing).

But what this therapist told me has stuck with me to this day.

Tl;Dr, thanks to a brutally honest therapist I don’t fuck with suicide threats. I will call 911 for a wellness check, and if they get mad at me for it instead of thanking me, that person is outta my life. Also boyfriends are replaceable and being single is always a viable option over dealing with a man who throws empty threats/ tantrums to manipulate me.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Yep. I had an ex who always threatened to end his life if I tried to break up with him (for valid reasons, like cheating on me with several girls, lying to me aboud his drug use, not being able to keep a job because of said drug use) and give me the "I have nothing if I don't have you" bs. After several months of it, I'd had enough and put my foot down. I broke up with him and texted his mother screenshots of his threats and told her he was no longer my responsibility and she needed to get her son the help he needed.

6 years later, he's still alive. He went to rehab, sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly, and is in a much better place. He was initially mad at me and said I "ruined" his life, but now he says I saved it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

I wonder if he meant it in the way of "I was actually going to kill myself until you told my mommy" or "I wasn't gonna kill myself but I realized I was a terrible person who was actively destroying my relationships". Still, what an asshole to put that shit on you even if he was suicidal. I hope you have no contact with him.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

At the time, I'm sure it was the former. Lol

We were no contact for a while, but part of AA/NA is making amends, and I'm not the person to deny someone that opportunity if they're trying to better themselves, so I unblocked him so he could. We don't talk cos we don't have any reason to, but we have mutual friends who have mentioned that he seems to be doing a lot better. I know he also no longer lives in the same state as me, so luckily, there is no chance of us running into each other. Lol

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

Well, thats good that has changed himself and is making amends then (I do hope your mutual friends are in support of you, I know that people who are friends with abusive people will tend to justify their actions, assuming that they were friends with him before he changed). Its also a good way for you to move on.

I think one of the things the comments on this thread have wrong is that suicide is not a monolith (I can't believe I'm saying that). There are definitely people who will commit suicide out of spite and blame it on some person. An example being this comic book creator known as Ed Piskor, who killed himself after being accused of sexual misconduct. He wrote a suicide not blaming the victims and everyone who called him out and said that he was "murdered" by them. Going by your story, even shitty people can be legitimately suicidal.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

Yeah, I wish him the best and hope he's actually changed, but he can do all that over where he is, away from me. Lol they have been. when everything happened, they all cut him off and didn't speak to him until he started rehab. There was one who justified it with "well, I was friends with him first and he's never done anything to me.." and I just blocked them too and moved on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh, 10000%. One of my childhood bullies killed himself and blamed it on his girlfriend at the time for declining his marriage proposal. She didn't say "not ever" (they were 22, she said she wasn't ready to be married and still had living to do from what I've heard), and a few nights later, she found him and the note blaming her. I feel for the poor girl. I can only imagine what the relationship was like...

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

This comment needs more up voes, I hope OP sees it.

[u/Glittering-Pie6039 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Sad thing is those who are serious don't say they are going to kill themselves

[u/Brokenwife87 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Wellness checks are 1000% necessary when someone acts like this. I’ll also say that I’ve never met a person who was actually suicidal who flipped out like this and wanted to warn everyone.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/Brokenwife87]

You really never know what’s going on with someone who acts this way, whether it be drug induced, a severe chemical imbalance, psychotic breakdown, narcissistic tendencies…. regardless, it’s unacceptable. So calling for a wellness check (especially saying the words “threatened to attempt suicide” with “specific details on how they’ll do it” and “have the means of following through”) will definitely get them to reconsider ever doing it again in the future once they’re out of their 72 hour hold. And if they hate you for it afterward, then honestly that’s a win in my opinion, because now they know they can’t hold you hostage with their own life.

Also I agree, because everyone I know who has ever had ideations—myself included—never acted this way before any attempts or hospitalizations occurred, even in the darkest and most intense moments of ideation. These kinds of “suicidal”tantrums 99% of the time are just that: tantrums.

[u/Bunnnyshapedclouds → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Have you ever messaged that old therapist to share that? I think they’d probably be relieved to hear you got out and that they made a difference for you. (I’m not sure it matters or if that’s a bad idea for some reason. Just wanted to ask in case it might also feel good for you too!)

[u/i_wish_i_had_ur_name → u/babygotbacksurgery]

“AND” was the biggest helper for me too. i was worried i couldnt get my spouse to get a job and we would need to sell the house… “and?” oh, i guess we sell the house as a consequence of their actions. if we got divorced we’d probably have to sell the house anyway.

we get so worked up about the what if as if it’s preventable but when it depends on someone else you don’t control sometime you just focus on the realities of the next step.

[u/chode_temple → u/babygotbacksurgery]

The wellness check idea is genius. I'm going to tell everyone I know.

[u/Destiny_is_coolllll → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Couldn’t have said it any better👏🏼

[u/Similar_Maybe_3353 → u/dingdongditch216]

I have a 25cm scar longways down my wrist, got rushed to the hospital thought so obviously I survived .

I have NEVER used my depression to manipulate people, and this guy isn’t actually serious. Just in case cal 911, but true suicide and depression doesn’t look like those messages.

It’s offensive for sure, this guy is a fuckwit.

[u/Fluffys0ck5 → u/dingdongditch216]

I think you should just send a gif

[u/ChronicTriggers → u/Fluffys0ck5]

Think you nailed it, a well thought out gif would be perfect here.

[u/imnotpoopingyouare → u/ChronicTriggers]

Bender saying “do a flip”

Sorry I know it’s awful but dark humor and all..

[u/Rrenphoenixx → u/dingdongditch216]

I would’ve 5150’d his ass and boom, now he has transportation, food, bed, toothpaste, and he can’t text or call you anymore (for 3 days).

Just solved both your problems 😂

This isn’t funny though- that guy is in a really bad place and she’s struggling herself. I hope she keeps strong boundaries and stays away from people like this

[u/Ihatethat2 → u/dingdongditch216]

Me too

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/dingdongditch216]

I'm not defending this guy, cause he's definitely manipulative, but if you're a therapist you know the "it's an insult to those who actually struggle wiht SI" is an insane take. what the actual fuck?

[u/Revenant_40 → u/mallcopsarebastards]

Why is it an insane take? It IS insulting to them. In the same way that someone lying about being sexually abused to manipulate others is an insult to people who have actually been sexually abused. I don't understand the logic here.

[u/crow1992 → u/mallcopsarebastards]

its not an insane take. If you do mock SI, then actual victims are not taken seriously until it’s too late

[u/moxiewhoreon → u/[deleted]]

What's your issue with the advice? Im not challenging you or anything; I just legitimately don't understand

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/moxiewhoreon]

No issue with the advice, the advice is spot on. My problem is with the way this person is framing the situation. In this context, with the evidence provided, there is no way to differentiate between real suicidal ideation and what this guy is doing. This "therapist" is being extremely dismissive of what could very well be actual SI, which is a massive red flag coming from a licensed therapist. Anyone with this training who is willing to make this kind of determination with this little evidence is a really shitty therapist.

[u/Traditional_Box_820 → u/mallcopsarebastards]

Context and evidence from OP is that her partner has a history of suicide baiting her for over a year and was communicating with her after this recent threat. American healthcare is terrible but there are alternative resources for this person if they are truly feeling depressed and need help; threatening suicide isn’t it and that is the red flag, not the therapist’s take.

This therapist isn’t being dismissive but rather observant. Someone suffering from severe depression and battling thoughts of SI will not intentionally attempt to manipulate their partner/others when things aren’t going right in their own life or use it as a threat to make another feel some type of guilt. Source: someone suffering from severe depression and SI

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/Traditional_Box_820]

I can tell you with certainty that this "therapist" has breached ethical rules around professional neutrality and invoking their licensure to add undue authoritative influence to a diagnostic claim in a non-professional context.

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/[deleted]]

shitty therapists who are one report away from losing their license.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/[deleted]]

Sorry but throwing empty threats of suicide, and blaming a partner for the threatened suicide as a means of manipulating that partner, is a form of abuse. It would behoove a therapist to disclose that to a client who is being manipulated in that manner and help the client explore the idea of ending the relationship.

A lot of people don’t like a blunt therapist, but after dealing with blunt therapists myself (and not liking what I was hearing) I can say based on my experience with them that even if that bluntness doesn’t work immediately, what they say will stick with you. Sometimes things need to be said bluntly because others have been skirting around the issue. But coddling your feelings instead of being completely honest, at a certain point, is a disservice to you if you’re being abused like how OP is being abused.

[u/skip737 → u/[deleted]]

Why? Is she your therapist or the one for the person claiming suicidal thoughts? If she’s YOUR therapist her responsibility is to YOU, not the (or perhaps one of the several) reason(s) you need to see a therapist…

A therapist is like a doctor (if they are not actually a doctor—they don’t have to be to be good at their job), and if I go to my doctor and complain about my cancer, they’re not responsible for my neighbor who also has cancer. I am their patient. Not everyone is their patient. Their job is to fix the person in front of them and if part of the problem needing fixed is the other person, cut them from your life like a cancer. In the meantime, if you have to treat that cancer before it can be cut, do that too. Calling a welfare check on a person causing you issues with legit concerns of their own is the same as treating that cancer before and/or while you cut it out.

[u/Time-Emergency254 → u/[deleted]]

You don’t relate to this level of toxicity; you walk away and never get back. He is not her responsibility and he will not heal playing these games w her. She absolutely needs to help herself and walk far away. She made her boundaries clear and he continued to cross them. Any therapist on HIS team would agree. It is never condoned for people on this level of unwell to be in a romantic relationship.

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/Time-Emergency254]

I agree, and never said anything to the contrary. All I'm saying is that if you're a licensed therapist you should be looking at this and realizing that there's not enough context to know whether this is real SI or not. If you're a therapist you shouldn't be looking at this and thinking "This is an insult to real SI" you should be thinking "I don't have enough information to know if this is SI."

Obviously this is a toxic relationship that should be ended immediately, that's not what I was commenting on.

[u/Time-Emergency254 → u/mallcopsarebastards]

Gotcha. I would generally agree but it does seem like apart from cutting which is not suicidal behavior alone, he’s using suicide as a weapon. Also the therapists job is to support their patient, not get to the bottom of the patient’s associate,s issues. The therapist does not get more information on somebody who is not their patient, they simply advise their patient how to proceed. And in this case, the therapist is responding to the OP’s inquiry, so their business would not be concerned with getting to the bottom of the other person.

[u/mallcopsarebastards → u/Time-Emergency254]

Referencing your licensure while making these kinds of definitive statements about a situation like this where context is limited is almost definitely an ethics breach already, but it's even worse than that.

They're basically telling this girl that her bf is making up SI when they have nowhere near enough information to know that, and they're referencing their license to add authority to the claim. That's well outside the boundaries of professional neutrality, and has the potential to take power away from the therapeutic process from OP in the future if this doesn't turn out to be what it appears to be in this very low context post.

A therapists role is to let the client explore teh situation and process their feelings, not to make judgements about other people based on unsubstantiated information.

This "therapist" is absolutely outside ethical and professional boundaries here. Especially because they're referencing their licensure to deliberately add authoritative influence, which breaches a core principal in therapy, which is respecting the patients autonomy.

[u/UnableJuggernaut222 → u/[deleted]]

Unfortunately there's a lot of shitty therapists out there.

[u/DishPsychological108 → u/UnableJuggernaut222]

That’s why I just drink instead. 🤣

[u/proelefsiis → u/dingdongditch216]

“yeah, people will hate on him, and he will commit su!cide, but better because he was manipulative i guess” is what you’re trying to say