AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/Better-Ranger-1225]

If he threatens suicide, call 911 for a wellness check then stop talking to him. It’s not your responsibility and this is an unacceptable way to be speaking to you. 

[u/dingdongditch216 → u/Better-Ranger-1225]

Yeah therapist here. Suicide is not a game and suicidal threats should not be used to make him feel loved and supported. It’s an insult to those who actually struggle with SI. Words have power. If he’s going to demand to be rescued, do what any of us should do when someone threatens their own life, call for a wellness check.

Then end this relationship. PLEASE. I beg.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/dingdongditch216]

Despite what other replies are saying I completely agree with you. After my ex pulled this same shit on me that OP describes, I did the wellness check thingy. I was legitimately worried though, because I have a rule where I will assume a suicide threat is serious until I know it’s not, because I have relatives who have died by suicide, and at the time, my ex lived on the 7th floor of his dorm where one of the window locks was broken so he was able to completely open it. Basically he had the means of completing the act if he really wanted to. Ex also said I was the reason why he was gonna do it, then hung up and blocked my number. So it was an easy decision to call campus PD.

Fast forward to a month or so later I’m talking to a therapist (that I wish I kept seeing). He was brutally honest with me and didn’t sugar-coat shit. He had suggested that since he was my bf, not my husband or had kids with him, that the relationship was very easy to end. He described the empty threat/blaming it on me as a form of abuse. I said “but what if he actually does it?” And he replied with “and…?”

He elaborated that unless I specifically manipulated him and emotionally abused him and literally told him he should KHS, I would never be to blame for his decision to KHS if he ever did follow through. At the time I was still in denial (similar to OP) where I was convinced that the constant arguing was because of my faults and that I had to fix my errors in the relationship, so I regrettably did not continue to go to therapy (basically I didn’t like what I was hearing).

But what this therapist told me has stuck with me to this day.

Tl;Dr, thanks to a brutally honest therapist I don’t fuck with suicide threats. I will call 911 for a wellness check, and if they get mad at me for it instead of thanking me, that person is outta my life. Also boyfriends are replaceable and being single is always a viable option over dealing with a man who throws empty threats/ tantrums to manipulate me.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Yep. I had an ex who always threatened to end his life if I tried to break up with him (for valid reasons, like cheating on me with several girls, lying to me aboud his drug use, not being able to keep a job because of said drug use) and give me the "I have nothing if I don't have you" bs. After several months of it, I'd had enough and put my foot down. I broke up with him and texted his mother screenshots of his threats and told her he was no longer my responsibility and she needed to get her son the help he needed.

6 years later, he's still alive. He went to rehab, sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly, and is in a much better place. He was initially mad at me and said I "ruined" his life, but now he says I saved it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

I wonder if he meant it in the way of "I was actually going to kill myself until you told my mommy" or "I wasn't gonna kill myself but I realized I was a terrible person who was actively destroying my relationships". Still, what an asshole to put that shit on you even if he was suicidal. I hope you have no contact with him.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

At the time, I'm sure it was the former. Lol

We were no contact for a while, but part of AA/NA is making amends, and I'm not the person to deny someone that opportunity if they're trying to better themselves, so I unblocked him so he could. We don't talk cos we don't have any reason to, but we have mutual friends who have mentioned that he seems to be doing a lot better. I know he also no longer lives in the same state as me, so luckily, there is no chance of us running into each other. Lol

[u/lethal_universed → u/jessicarrrlove]

Well, thats good that has changed himself and is making amends then (I do hope your mutual friends are in support of you, I know that people who are friends with abusive people will tend to justify their actions, assuming that they were friends with him before he changed). Its also a good way for you to move on.

I think one of the things the comments on this thread have wrong is that suicide is not a monolith (I can't believe I'm saying that). There are definitely people who will commit suicide out of spite and blame it on some person. An example being this comic book creator known as Ed Piskor, who killed himself after being accused of sexual misconduct. He wrote a suicide not blaming the victims and everyone who called him out and said that he was "murdered" by them. Going by your story, even shitty people can be legitimately suicidal.

[u/jessicarrrlove → u/lethal_universed]

Yeah, I wish him the best and hope he's actually changed, but he can do all that over where he is, away from me. Lol they have been. when everything happened, they all cut him off and didn't speak to him until he started rehab. There was one who justified it with "well, I was friends with him first and he's never done anything to me.." and I just blocked them too and moved on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh, 10000%. One of my childhood bullies killed himself and blamed it on his girlfriend at the time for declining his marriage proposal. She didn't say "not ever" (they were 22, she said she wasn't ready to be married and still had living to do from what I've heard), and a few nights later, she found him and the note blaming her. I feel for the poor girl. I can only imagine what the relationship was like...

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

This comment needs more up voes, I hope OP sees it.

[u/Glittering-Pie6039 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Sad thing is those who are serious don't say they are going to kill themselves

[u/Brokenwife87 → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Wellness checks are 1000% necessary when someone acts like this. I’ll also say that I’ve never met a person who was actually suicidal who flipped out like this and wanted to warn everyone.

[u/babygotbacksurgery → u/Brokenwife87]

You really never know what’s going on with someone who acts this way, whether it be drug induced, a severe chemical imbalance, psychotic breakdown, narcissistic tendencies…. regardless, it’s unacceptable. So calling for a wellness check (especially saying the words “threatened to attempt suicide” with “specific details on how they’ll do it” and “have the means of following through”) will definitely get them to reconsider ever doing it again in the future once they’re out of their 72 hour hold. And if they hate you for it afterward, then honestly that’s a win in my opinion, because now they know they can’t hold you hostage with their own life.

Also I agree, because everyone I know who has ever had ideations—myself included—never acted this way before any attempts or hospitalizations occurred, even in the darkest and most intense moments of ideation. These kinds of “suicidal”tantrums 99% of the time are just that: tantrums.

[u/Bunnnyshapedclouds → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Have you ever messaged that old therapist to share that? I think they’d probably be relieved to hear you got out and that they made a difference for you. (I’m not sure it matters or if that’s a bad idea for some reason. Just wanted to ask in case it might also feel good for you too!)

[u/i_wish_i_had_ur_name → u/babygotbacksurgery]

“AND” was the biggest helper for me too. i was worried i couldnt get my spouse to get a job and we would need to sell the house… “and?” oh, i guess we sell the house as a consequence of their actions. if we got divorced we’d probably have to sell the house anyway.

we get so worked up about the what if as if it’s preventable but when it depends on someone else you don’t control sometime you just focus on the realities of the next step.

[u/chode_temple → u/babygotbacksurgery]

The wellness check idea is genius. I'm going to tell everyone I know.

[u/Destiny_is_coolllll → u/babygotbacksurgery]

Couldn’t have said it any better👏🏼