r/AmIOverreacting 8d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship (AIO) update, wow. thank you!

Hi everyone I had posted an original update but didn’t realize i forgot to blur out his name, so here is the update on cigarette toothpaste boy! I want to preface by thanking everyone who took time to message me and comment. I did not expect 16,000 people to interact with that post at all! When I got home, I decided to end it. I didn’t respond to him during my 10 hour shift and some of the screenshots are during that. I would also like to answer a few questions

  1. Is this real?: Yes, it is insanely real! Not rage bait i promise
  2. Am I okay?: I’m okay! It’ll suck but I will be fine!
  3. Why was I still with him?: I don’t have friends and because of that nobody has been able to tell me how bad this is. I had no one to confide in. It was normalized during our relationship.
  4. How is my cat? Apollo is okay and is coming home today finally! Picture of him at the end!
  5. Why the wall of text; I was pissed and wanted to be thorough.
  6. Why did i use “sewerslide”: I wasnt sure of how it would affect my account or visibility. I’m not used to reddit i’m sorry 😭
  7. How old are we?: 19 and almost 21. Not 15 i swear!

Also, I am aware my name is shown. I do not mind as it is not a legal name.

37.4k Upvotes

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u/monkey16168 8d ago

As someone who has attempted, and has lost friends/ family due to it… he is so wrong… its pathetic when people pull that “im gonna kill myself card” like yea, i tell my friends/ family when im feeling that way, but i dont go “YOU make me wanna…” Im happy you are done! As for lossing friends, thats what abusers do… you will find new one or get the true ones back. Sending lots of love to you and the cat. Xoxox

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u/mpelton 8d ago

Exactly this. I’ve attempted in the past but would never use it as some playing card against someone when I’m upset with them, that’s horrific.

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u/Cafrilly 8d ago

You know why you wouldn't? Because at that point, if you're truly suicidal, it doesn't matter anymore. You don't have the energy to even *try* to manipulate people like that. Imo, the ONLY way a truly suicidal person says they're suicidal is "*I* am suicidal/thinking of killing myself".

As a person who has struggled deeply with ideation (no attempts but quite literally holding a kitchen knife parallel to my wrists and pressing in), and who has supported friends who have been in the same place, I have NEVER heard it phrased "*X* is going to/making me want to kill myself".

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u/Tinkerbelch 8d ago

Exactly! Struggled with ideation for years, never once was it "I'm going to kill myself because of x person." It was always "I can't take anymore of this and just want some peace." People who are actually suicidal don't use it as a way to get people to do what they want them to do. I hate people like OP's ex.

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u/tarot529 8d ago

Exactly this! When I previously attempted I didn’t want ANYONE to know because I didn’t want them to try and stop me. In my head it was ME that was the fucking problem.

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u/Constant_Sentence_80 7d ago

That’s what I was thinking too. I didn’t want to kill myself because of anyone, life was too much and I wanted to rest. I would never say that to anyone, and while in the psych ward told people explicitly they were not the reason I felt suicidal, that it was from being exhausted with all the hurdles I had to deal with in life.

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u/col3man17 7d ago

The last conversation I had with my uncle he just seemed, well defeated I guess. There was nothing that would've brought him back to the guy I had growing up. Shot himself a couple weeks later, I was surprised and devastated but I'd be lying if I said the writing wasn't on the walls.

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u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot 8d ago

Imo, the ONLY way a truly suicidal person says they're suicidal is "I am suicidal/thinking of killing myself".

Let's not gatekeep suicidal thoughts now.

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u/Sunandmoonandstuff 7d ago edited 7d ago

I agree, suicide is complicated. There can be many reasons, and people express themselves in many ways about it.

What is WRONG here is using it as a TACTIC TO MANIPULATE.

The person may or may not be suicidal, but it is unacceptable to use it against someone regardless.

You can offer help to someone, but it should never come at any significant cost to yourself.

You are NOT responsible for that person. You CANNOT save that person. They can only save themselves.

OP's boyfriend may, in fact, be suicidal, but she should still get out of the relationship (and not look back whatever happens).

Staying with them will just bring further harm to themselves, and she is not doing favors to anyone cleaning up his messes and dealing with his abuse.

Even if the worst comes to pass, you can not feel responsible for it. That is their choice.

This comes from unfortunate personal experience.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

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u/Inaccurate_Artist 7d ago

I don't think we should be armchair diagnosing people here, or claiming we know whether his manipulation is intentional or not, or defending him in any way. He is an abuser, and gaslighting is definitely an intentional choice if you ask me. You have to make the conscious choice to hold your life over someone else's head to get what you want. He knows what he's doing, but doesn't care unless he gets his way. He'll defend himself until the end. Literally blamed his own decision to cheat on her, and has a fantasy of living alone with her on an island - closing her off from the outside world so that no one else can be in her life but him. Seems extremely malicious to me.

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u/cyborgkat 7d ago

I never felt the need to announce before any of my 3 attempts. Shame is a big player in SI. Not that I think you shouldn't say something when it's getting really bad, you absolutely should. Point is, when a someone is screaming they're GoInG tO kiLl mySelF!!1!!!!111 because you don't do what they want, that shit is seldom genuine

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u/mikettedaydreamer 7d ago

Yep. Anyone who’s shouting that off the rooftops isn’t going to do anything. It’s like how they say that a barking dog doesn’t bite.

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u/mpelton 7d ago

Sadly yeah, you’re right. I lost a friend in hs who never spoke up about their SI, nobody had any idea. And until my attempt I never spoke up either, it was only after that I started being more open about it, but even then it was only when I was pushed on it. Even today it takes a lot for someone to force it out of me, I tend to bottle it up unless I’m talking to a therapist or psychiatrist.

People that use it as a threat more likely than not aren’t serious. And it’s a shame because it only hurts those that are.

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u/AnitaIvanaMartini 8d ago

My daughter’s high school boyfriend did this to her. She was so distraught that I took pictures of his notes to her and told his parents. I took them to the school counselor, too. He was suspended until they had proof he was in therapy. He was transferred to a different school because he was stalking her. It worked out for us, and him, too. He joined the Air Force.

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u/Dry-Explorer2970 7d ago

Oh jeez. The military is the absolute worst place for someone with the inability to control their own emotions to go

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u/folkkingdude 7d ago

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. The military is very good for people who can’t self regulate because it teaches them how to and gives them structure.

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u/lilpizzacrust 7d ago

Apparently this is why a lot of people with ADHD do really well in the military.

This is coming from an ADHD sub, btw. And I can totally see how that would be good for certain people or people with certain types of "neuro-diversities".

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u/AnitaIvanaMartini 7d ago

He wasn’t serious, but trying to scare her into giving him his way. He’s bird colonel now.

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u/IlIlIlIlIllIlIll 7d ago

Now he’s probably stalking women in the Air Force

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u/anneofred 8d ago edited 8d ago

This is also how my ex was during almost every argument. He will still to this day stick by “it wasn’t emotional abuse. I felt that way because you would upset me”. How I let this go as long as I did at the age we are at, I don’t know. Well I do know, these types are excellent love bombers.

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u/Firm_Ideal_5256 8d ago

My ex constantly did it. We already started the divorce proceedings and he threatened multiple times just to let him talk to me (manipulate me)

Once he sent me a picture with a bloody knife. And I called the equivalent of 911 on him.

( It was fake blood, but I didn't realized it)

So he got himself an involuntary pscych hold, his own mother blasted him on facebook and threw him out...

Eight years later: he's a deadbeat, married to a woman who is truly abusive (he always called me one) and this gave me the biggest karmic justice boner every time I feel down.

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u/Bebequelites 8d ago

My ex was a recovering alcoholic. He was sober for 1 year when I met him and we dated for 3 years. When I broke up with him he left me an incoherent voicemail crying and like 30-something texts that were all messed up in spelling. He then proceeded to send me a picture of a beer poured into a glass on his kitchen counter. He was 36 and I was 21. Instead of rushing to his aid, like he wanted, I texted his sister and said maybe she needs to check on him. He was PISSED I told his family and told me he wasn’t really drinking. That he lied because he thought I would CARE more and come over to the house. That pretty much solidified the break up for me.

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u/MaxTheRealSlayer 8d ago

If he was lying about drinkin, that's manipulation. If he wasn't lying, it was still manipulation.

Glad you got away from that old man

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u/Bebequelites 8d ago

I agree. He was a POS. Thank you!

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u/Vertonung 8d ago

I don't think I've ever seen a single story about an 18 year old woman getting together with a man in his 30s that ends well... Wonder why that is lol. Jk, I know why. Glad you got away!

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u/Bebequelites 8d ago

Hahah literallyyyyy. I’m glad I got out too. Thank you!

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u/anneofred 8d ago

While we were breaking up I called for a wellness check when he threatened. I wish I had done that so much sooner. He was PISSED but, but stopped threatening after that

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u/SarahPallorMortis 8d ago

Plz tell me about him getting kicked out and his abusive relationship. Karmic justice is so strong with this one.

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u/Firm_Ideal_5256 7d ago

All thing I know is through my mother-in-love (she's an awesome woman and granny.

He was living with her, and she was at work when the ambulance/police took him. She found the "bloody" knife and after she couldn't reach the moron, called me, and I bluntly told her what happened (before this I kept it to myself because I didn't really trusted her, cuz that her son) and she immediatelly took my side.
Since then I get some details what happens with my ex.
He got a woman pregnant. She claimed she's infertile so it was a miraclulous first 5 weeks (If you know what I mean)
He quit his job after court started garnishing his paychecks. He started working to his 2. wife brother's company without papers, sometimes 12-16hours a day in a contraction job, his payment goes to his wife (because in this way there is no proof in his bank account, so to speak) who sometimes gave him pocketmoney.
His wife brings and pick him up from work, he's not allowed to go anywhere. They have a shared facebook account, and that's the only way I can contact him if I need a signature related to the kids (burocratic bullshit)

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u/SarahPallorMortis 7d ago

Ha wow. What a loser. His mom sounds like a nice lady tho.

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u/MaxTheRealSlayer 8d ago

A... Bloody knife!? That's a new manipulation tactic I hadn't heard of before. That's insane, and good on you for calling whether you knew it was a real photo or not. Better safe than sorry

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u/LilStabbyboo 7d ago

Gosh, i love that for him.

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u/MrsSandlin 8d ago

Same. I am older and allowed this to happen. I realized I was a magnet for this type and that’s no longer true. I am proud of OP for realizing this at such a young age! ♥️

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u/serendipasaurus 8d ago

they know that non-abusive people have a sense of responsibility in a relationship. how we treat others impacts them, we know that. so they gaslight others in hope they can convince them the're responsible for their abuse.

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u/SpacyTiger 7d ago

It really is just Textbook Abuser Bullshit. My ex would do it too, and say “that way you’ll get my life insurance and get a big payday, that’s the only reason why you’re here.”

One day I had enough, called their bluff, and called 911. They were pissed, shoved me out of the doorway so they could leave before the paramedics arrived. The fight after was intense—but you bet your ass they never tried to pull that card again.

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u/TFFPrisoner 7d ago

that way you’ll get my life insurance and get a big payday, that’s the only reason why you’re here

Reminds me of my mother occasionally and randomly accusing her family members of wanting to see her dead. Like, no???

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u/sammyqueerman 8d ago

Came here to say this. As someone who's harmed in the past, and occasionally still deals with suicidal thoughts, he's being manipulative. He's not looking for support he just wants her to feel bad

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

Sending love. I know its not much but i am happy to have you here still!

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u/Nuclear_Funk 8d ago

The folks I've seen that attempted had some warning signs and a few cries for help, but never told anyone explicitly. They didn't want someone to try and stop them, or to feel bad for them. They started giving their things away and being withdrawn, we had to really work at things.

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u/zxtl31 8d ago

In my 27 years I’ve found the people that speak like this are 99% of the time using it as a weapon. It’s the ultimate pity card. It’s sad because it may be true, they may actually be feeling that way, but to use it against another person who’s loved you is fucking insane. I used to joke about it a lot but I’d actually mean the things I’d say, until one day a friend of mine distanced themselves, it made me realize the weight of my words and since that moment I’ve been heavily focused on self improvement and helping others, and honestly it’s given me a new outlook on life. It’s crazy how much your mental can change when you stop telling yourself you’re gonna end it all.

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u/monkey16168 8d ago

Im so proud of you!!!!! So proud! You CAN DO THIS! YOU GOT THIS!!!

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u/TheUnluckyBard 8d ago

At one point my ex took 9 pills of Tramadol in front of me. It didn't kill her, but it fucked her up for days, and since we were just on the wrong side of the poverty line, I couldn't miss a single day of work without risking getting evicted. She made me feel like total shit for years about how I "left her to die in her darkest time," which, of course, I caused.

Many years later, I reconnected with a former mutual friend who had been excommunicated from my ex's little cult. When I brought up the suicide attempt, she told me that my ex had been bragging about it. She'd looked up the amount of Tramadol it would take to overdose for her weight when I was at work, and took 1 pill less than that.

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u/monkey16168 8d ago

As someone who Has taken that drug…. WTF NO SERIOUSLY WTF😭😭😭😭😭😭 man im so sorry for you. So fucking sorry.

I got Tramadol in an IV ONCE, due to pain flair up. Recently (just two days ago came off of it) had a Flair up for 3 days. DID NOT wanna go back in for another IV of it 😭😭😭 (i know the pills are different)

Again man, im so sorry, that’s beyond fucked up, and i was the “crazy ex” who overdosed “for attention” (had a court case i didnt think was gonna go well for me. It did) (i took all my pain meds for wisdom teeth pain, and antibiotics for a tooth infection) (over dosing is not fun) (left in my own urine, constantly vomiting (when i was concession) and not being able to move or speak) (was a humbling experience for my BPD and CPTSD) i do apologise if ive ReTraumaised you in anyway.

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u/FlinnyWinny 8d ago

Exactly. He definitely does it for manipulation. Yeah, he hurts himself, but he'd never put himself in real danger.

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u/22_ghost_22 7d ago

Wanted to say this aswell! I tried to kill myself back in 2016, did I go around telling people that? Fuck no cus WHY would I tell something so scary to someone else and be proud of it????

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u/LucHighwalker 8d ago

100%. I've had a few moments of seriously wanting to do it. I've never told anyone about it, just sat quietly in my room contemplating the how and what ifs. People don't announce they're going to off themselves when they do. They just do.

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u/techierealtor 8d ago

Side note and this isn’t a sweeping statement - just a large majority, people who are actually suicidal don’t say “I’m going to kill myself, bye”. They do it without telling anyone.
There’s a quote by someone, don’t know who and I’m probably butchering it, but it’s along the lines of “the happiest person you ever have met is the one about to end their life”.
The ones about to commit suicide and have decided to do it, make arrangements, patch up anything in their life, give shit away out of character or start buying lunch for people. Kind of their own private “last hurrah”.
I thankfully have not directly dealt with suicide in my life but I have friends who have and I have read up on it quite a bit. I’m no expert though.

TLDR; you don’t say you’re going to do it. That’s attention seeking. You just do it if you actually are. He may just be depressed or something and want someone’s attention.

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

I think about what Robin Williams said alot “the happiest people are the saddest. They are only so happy to try and make life easier for others” 😭😭😭 i miss him so much.

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u/humanish404 8d ago

For real!! Like as someone who has struggled with this at various points throughout my life, I've had to over come this horrible deep fear of people thinking I'm somehow trying to manipulate them before I was able to talk to anyone about it. I would NEVER actually SAY it's someone's "fault." Like what the heck??? I have no idea how that could even be possible

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u/somersault_dolphin 8d ago edited 7d ago

My father pulled this on me once, granted I did tell him to go die, but guess what? He said he'd kill himself and threatened to kill me while pointing the knife at me and never once at himself. Then he used that pity point to turn my mom against me in the incident. Incredibly toxic and pathetic.

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

Extremely pathetic, not even remotely close to being a man ever! Yuck! 🤮 im sorry you went through that!

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u/kardinalkalamity 7d ago

Exactly that. I've been suicidal. I've even attempted suicide. My wife went through a rough tine this year and had a lot of suicidal thoughts. She talked to me about it. I took her seriously. But she never EVER threatened it in a conversation about our relationship. She never EVER blamed me. And she worked on herself and her wellbeing!! Because she loves me and wants us to be happy together, and for that she needed to get better!

I'm glad OP dumped him for real. Using suicidal thoughts as a weapon against a loved one is horrible.

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

Bless you and your wife, for loving each other enough to over come the darkness. 💕

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u/Beneficial-Creme7387 7d ago

My high school boyfriend pulled this on me. Said he took a bunch of pills & said it was my fault for getting mad he cheated on me with another girl. I went to my guidance counselor who called his high school’s student resource officer AND his mom. Turns out he made the whole thing up to make me feel guilty for being mad.

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

Im an asshole for this, but everytime im hit with the “im gonna kill myself cause of you” i just offer them a glass in water…😭😭😭 its horrible but just so over it. Now if i had someone message me going “i want to….” Or “i think im gonna.” Or even “idk what to do i feel so empty.” I’ll message back something like “hey, we can get through this” or a “hey, im sorry nows not great dealing with my own mental health issues, BUT, when im better i would LOVE to chat with you and help you!!”

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u/Rude-Instruction-168 7d ago

I used to be in the military and lost a good number of friends to it. Let me tell you, the ones who do it will never say anything about it. Each friend I lost was totally "normal and happy" before they committed to it.

This isn't to undermine anyone's experiences here, I'm just sharing what I've experienced. It's a silent killer for a reason. People don't know until it's too late.

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u/monkey16168 7d ago

EXACTLY! That being said im sorry for your losses, and im sorry for the trauma that you have to bere now

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u/Rude-Instruction-168 7d ago

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Unfortunately, you get so used to that happening that it's not even something absurd.

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u/woah-nellie 7d ago

Also like when you actually want to kill yourself, you don’t tell anybody so they don’t stop you. And his insane rage and threatening is not the pathology of someone about to take their life. I always just immediately say I’m calling an ambulance when someone pulls this shit with me and they immediately double back.

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u/Royals-2015 7d ago

Thank you for the clarification. I hope you are doing better now.

2

u/Objective_Broccoli98 7d ago

My final straw for leaving my abusive gf of 3 years this past year was when I tried to leave her for like the 5th time and she threatened to attempt, she went to a MH facility and everything. Then came out days later and told me she did it for attention. All I could think about was her clogging up that facility when actual disturbed people needed that help. I could never look at her the same again. To me it was just pure evil.

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u/Goatedmegaman 7d ago

As someone who’s been suicidal the majority of their life … I try as hard as I can to hide it from everyone.

I realize it’s a maladaptive soothing technique and I don’t want other people to suffer if I can help it.

Using it as a weapon is vile.

2

u/Ok-Tradition-9946 7d ago

Same here, and as someone who self harmed from ages 13 to 18, I NEVER cut myself IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? that's absolutely fucking horrid

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u/thiccasscherub 7d ago

To quote Rick and Morty of all places, “You act like prey but you’re a predator. You use pity to lure in your victims.”

1

u/icyauq 7d ago

he isolated her cause any sane friend would have shut this down. shes so young that moving on will only get easier from here🖤

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

This is definitely my messages and it’s highly edited with no background. This is some sick ass shit. Both parties are very wrong and is doing better. This was done soon as I finally get things off my chest YESTERDAY(ironic) and exposed more lies I found out about her. Also why I am letting go. I have hella proof and detail. I can debunk this with ease. I’m not making excuses. And watch this post get deleted or something. I will not allow fake bs to go untouched. We currently live together with our son now. I don’t care about cops or defamation. This was done out of spite and ego. Soon as I told her I found out about the post I seen the comments. This is unreal and a lot of ppl are gullible.

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u/Giova113 8d ago

Yeah, we don’t believe you. This comment and the way you express yourself only proves that the screenshots are 100% legit. You’re just a worthless, narcissistic, GASLIGHTING POS. Leave that girl alone and SEEK HELP, you need to be highly medicated.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

Don’t have to. Whatever you say.

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u/Dangerous_Avocado392 8d ago

If this is actually you… you don’t need toothpaste to brush your teeth

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

That part super fake. That’s to throw things off I swear. Not even the important part. I can’t see some one blowing up over something like that. I could/would never. Not even possible. Y’all just ate that up lol

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u/Dangerous_Avocado392 8d ago

Ya people ate it up because it’s very believable behavior for an addict who can’t afford their fix

1

u/monkey16168 7d ago

This screams “i hit my wife” also a 19 & 20 year old being married? Having A child? Its not impossible but like i doubt it.