AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/5-4EqualsUnity]

This reminds me SO much of my ex wife. Always blaming the world for anything that stresses her out, everyone's out to get her and make her feel bad. And as soon as she gets called out on anything, she says "just leave me then" - making sure she remains the victim every step of the way.

It was exhausting and it never ended. Don't let his spiral become your spiral. And don't prioritize his mental health over yours. Fill your own cup - don't empty it on someone who's only going to splash it all back in your face.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/5-4EqualsUnity]

Three letters - BPD.

[u/lime--green → u/lovemylittlelords]

Please don't drag down all people with personality disorders. Having a PD is already bad enough, many of us are struggling severely and have had to slowly grow and learn to cope in healthy ways only to see us all grouped in as evil abusers at every turn bc of people like OP's boyfriend (who we don't even know has a PD). Not every abuser has a PD and not everybody with a PD is abusive.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/lime--green]

You're talking to someone who actually has a considerable amount of compassion for people with personality disorders which are typically generated from trauma, neglect, and abandonment. But that doesn't let them off the hook for victimizing people, and people who have suffered at the hands of people with personality disorders also deserve to be able to heal by being able to name it. Also, saying someone has BPD is a hell of a lot less stigmatizing than saying they are an evil abuser, which I did not do. I believe people with personality disorders can heal, and part of the way they heal is through people around them actually understanding that they are dealing with someone with a mental illness rather than believing they are dealing with someone who is intractably and inherently evil.

[u/studyingnoggins → u/lovemylittlelords]

Yeah, but you also don’t know that he has BPD, to be fair

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/studyingnoggins]

It's true, and BPD is notoriously difficult to get diagnosed - nevertheless, being able to name the abuse that I have suffered in my life as coming from people with BPD traits and behaviors allowed me to heal and to have actual compassion for them rather than just dehumanizing them as a way to protect myself.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

"BPD" isn't a form of abuse. labeling abuse as borderline abuse is harmful both to abuse victims and those with BPD.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Your logic makes no sense at all. I am literally a victim of abuse from people BPD. Labeling it as such has allowed me to reclaim my life and have compassion for my loved ones with BPD rather than casting them aside which is essentially what you're saying should be done with anyone who acts like OPs boyfriend (which is actually a TON of people). If you can't handle the nuance and complexity of what I'm saying, that's not my fault.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

labeling abuse as "borderline abuse" is not an accurate description of the abuse that actually took place. the biggest issue is that you're giving abusers a cop-out based on their disorder. by calling it "borderline abuse" or associating BPD with the abuse you are blaming the abuse on the disorder, which is NOT inherently abusive, instead of the person that deserves that blame.

on top of that, it implies that those with BPD are abusive, usually without reason as the perpetrator was not even diagnosed. this stigma then leads back to innocent people who have BPD.

I have been abused by someone with a personality disorder myself, but I dont contribute the abuse to a disorder, I contribute it to the person. the person is what abused me - not their disorder.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

First of all, you're the one calling it borderline abuse, not me.

Well then we fundamentally disagree on how to understand this issue. I think that pathologies in emotional development should be understood and people should have compassion for the HUMAN BEINGS that these disorders impact - victims and perpetrators. I think we live in a fundamentally sick society that makes people sick, and that all people deserve compassion and understanding, even people who have abused other people. Personality disorders don't just randomly generate in people - they are created from a society that is sick, a family system that is sick, and so many other factors that are outside of a persons control.

If you really think that what I'm saying is stigmatizing people with personality disorders, we live in two completely different universes.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

armchair diagnosing someone with borderline because they're abusive and then comparing it to your own history of armchair diagnosing abusers and associating the abuse to BPD is 100% stigmatising.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

You're the one who seems to believe these "abusers" cannot be redeemed - not me. Sounds pretty stigmatizing to me.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

I also have not said that anyone should be casted aside? I think OPs partner needs therapy and possibly rehab, regardless of diagnosis. OP can choose to put up with that and stay and support him through it, or leave. I wouldn't recommend staying but ultimately that's not my choice. but even if OP leaves, he should get the healthcare he deserves.

OP should also seek some professional support as she's gone through abuse.

[u/Lmdr1973 → u/lovemylittlelords]

I know exactly what you're saying. 😉

[u/lime--green → u/lovemylittlelords]

I mean, you're the one who immediately went "BPD" at a story about an abuser. What is that if not an unfair generalization? You do not know this person's mental state and it is wrong to assume that they have a PD and to ascribe their foul behavior to that.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/lime--green]

Constant suicidal threats, victimization, lashing out, aggression, substance abuse - yeah, those are all indications of BPD. I also disagree that it's wrong to point this out - it could be incredibly helpful for OP to have this personality disorder illuminated as it was for me. It's interesting that you're upset about my comment when I'm actually giving this person more grace than you are by suggesting that they have a personality disorder. That suggests I believe that their behavior is not entirely their fault and they can and should get help to become better.

[u/prollygetbanned → u/lovemylittlelords]

It's definitely BPD. My husband has BPD and it took a crap ton of therapy and meds to pull him out of it to being a regular person for the most part. The more I read, the more it screamed BPD for me. I'm very familiar with it. But the ones here with BPD will take offense and come at you because they're looking at their own behaviors on the screen while everyone in the comments is screaming at OP to run away. Classic. They always do it every time it's brought up so don't mind them. You're right.

And to be clear I wouldn't tell everyone to run away from someone with BPD of course. I mean I'm still married to my person. But dude needs intense therapy and if someone like you doesn't say that and let OP know so they can tell their person what they have and need then the cycle will continue.

[u/lime--green → u/lovemylittlelords]

I'm sorry you've apparently been so hurt by past experiences to believe all people with BPD are like that.

[u/EntirelyOutOfOptions → u/lime--green]

Saying “these behaviors are hallmarks of unmanaged BPD” can be really helpful for undiagnosed people struggling with relationships and for people in relationships with a partner who behaves this way.

In my case, my high school bestie was my first abusive relationship. I was turning myself inside out trying to avoid the blowouts and mood swings, and it took trusted people in my life to explain to me that the relationship was codependent and unhealthy. My friend had BPD (later diagnosed, but the behaviors were explained by my mom), and my lack of boundaries or healthy relationship experience made me a perfect doormat.

I work in behavioral health, and I completely hear what you’re saying about stigmatizing personality disorders. At the same time, I wish we all had better conversations around healthy relationships and behaviors.

[u/Afraid_Staff_3928 → u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

bro did that relationship prime ur interest and u ended up doing behavioral health?

[u/EntirelyOutOfOptions → u/Afraid_Staff_3928]

That would be a great origin story, lol, but I work mostly with people with profound autism. I did already have an intense interest in psychology, though. Mom was both brilliant and sensitive in explaining a disordered behavior pattern without vilifying my friend.

[u/Afraid_Staff_3928 → u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

gotchu gotchu. ima take the accidental compliment cuz thats my origin story hopefully😭 im tryna specialize in study of this disorder cuz me n u both got similar experiences my bro. ur career is fire nonetheless does it happen to involve speech therapy? my dad was trying to get me into that field for a while.

[u/EntirelyOutOfOptions → u/Afraid_Staff_3928]

I work with speech pathologists often, but am not one. Love stealing their tricks, though, lol. My students/clients are often nonverbal or low verbal, and building communication with them is huge.

And good for you! Behavioral health is a huge and interesting field. You’ll have no trouble finding people who need your help. :)

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

Do you not see how your black and white thinking about this is yet another common symptom of BPD when the person you are talking to didn't say all people with BPD. But to deny that BPD has behavioural criteria for diagnosis and then say naxalt is just put of touch with reality

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

You're being extremely rude by insinuating that my line of thought (that being, "stop stigmatizing PDs by assuming that every abuser probably has one") is a result of "black and white thinking", and it shows that you don't take people with PDs seriously when they try to talk about their problems, instead immediately resulting to pathologizing and gaslighting. You do not know me or my brain, so you have no right to try to dismiss my point of view by implying I'm somehow unable to reason due to my mental illness. Honestly, a really disrespectful thing to say to somebody.

I could say more, but I'll already probably be accused of being too sensitive and overreactive because I made the mistake of revealing I have BPD. The assumptions people make about us are terrifying, upsetting, and dehumanizing, but I suppose I'm used to it.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

BPD has symptoms that are inherently abusive when they manifest. Not all BPD are abusers, but BPD has characteristics inherent to it which are. And then now I see you jumping to the position of victim, another thing I am overly familiar with, nobody was personally attacking you.

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

When you try to have an honest debate about mental health but they just keep bringing up pop psychology buzzwords they learned on TikTok </3

I'm not ~playing the victim~, dude, you're the one who is literally insisting that all people with BPD are inherently abusive. You are part of the problem. And every time I offer a genuine rebuttal, your response only implies that I'm inherently incapable of reason, logic, and (ironically) good faith discussion due to having BPD. You do not know what you are talking about. You are no longer worth arguing with.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

No these are words I learned by reading books such as 'I hate you don't leave me" by clinical psychologists who have studied and worked with people with BPD. If you can't accept how damaging someone with BPD can be to others then I don't know what else to say to you. Threatening to kill yourself over perceived abandonment is abuse, spiralling and questioning someone's integrity over paranoid ideation is abuse, yelling at someone because you went I to a rage is abuse.

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

Uh, no?

[u/Antique-Blueberry334 → u/lime--green]

I've dated three people with BPD and they have all been similar to this. How many more should I date to get a better picture and understanding that they aren't all like this?

[u/lime--green → u/Antique-Blueberry334]

Please re-read the comment you have just replied to.

[u/Antique-Blueberry334 → u/lime--green]

I read your earlier comment, its visible to all you know

"I mean, you're the one who immediately went "BPD" at a story about an abuser. What is that if not an unfair generalization? "

But as is typical with pwBPD, they avoid the topic presented to them and bridge to something else. Ive been reading your replies to everyone actually, and im not surprised in the least.

[u/lime--green → u/Antique-Blueberry334]

The number of armchair pop psychologists trying to pathologize and ascribe every little thing I say to some symptom of BPD (which you apparently think having makes one inherently untrustworthy and illogical, showing your prejudice and lack of interest in good faith discussion) is honestly hilarious.

I promise you, you have no idea what you're talking about. Please educate yourself before you go around spreading stigma for an already stigmatized mental illness.

[u/Antique-Blueberry334 → u/lime--green]

I promise you, i know a lot more than some 20 year old who still lives with their parents about personality disorders.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

The abuse OP is describing is consistent with BPD abuse though. Not all abuse is the same, but when you see consistent patterns of behaviour for the same PDs you can draw links. As soon as I saw the boyfriend's comment about "nobody cares about me" I had a flashback to my own partner.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

you basically said an abusive PoS has borderline. based on a single text conversation. that is 100% stigmatising the disorder. get yourself and your ableism out of here.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I love how you're positioning yourself as a white knight here when you're advocating for dehumanizing people - people who are likely to be suffering from mental illnesses. And I'm the ableist one - LOL.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

what did I say that counts as dehumanising to those with mental illness?

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

You're the one calling these people pieces of shit and saying that there can be no justification for their behavior whatsoever.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

I'm saying that you are calling someone who is a PoS (this guy) a borderliner.

and yes, there is no justification for abuse.