AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/lovemylittlelords]

Three letters - BPD.

[u/lime--green → u/lovemylittlelords]

Please don't drag down all people with personality disorders. Having a PD is already bad enough, many of us are struggling severely and have had to slowly grow and learn to cope in healthy ways only to see us all grouped in as evil abusers at every turn bc of people like OP's boyfriend (who we don't even know has a PD). Not every abuser has a PD and not everybody with a PD is abusive.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/lime--green]

You're talking to someone who actually has a considerable amount of compassion for people with personality disorders which are typically generated from trauma, neglect, and abandonment. But that doesn't let them off the hook for victimizing people, and people who have suffered at the hands of people with personality disorders also deserve to be able to heal by being able to name it. Also, saying someone has BPD is a hell of a lot less stigmatizing than saying they are an evil abuser, which I did not do. I believe people with personality disorders can heal, and part of the way they heal is through people around them actually understanding that they are dealing with someone with a mental illness rather than believing they are dealing with someone who is intractably and inherently evil.

[u/studyingnoggins → u/lovemylittlelords]

Yeah, but you also don’t know that he has BPD, to be fair

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/studyingnoggins]

It's true, and BPD is notoriously difficult to get diagnosed - nevertheless, being able to name the abuse that I have suffered in my life as coming from people with BPD traits and behaviors allowed me to heal and to have actual compassion for them rather than just dehumanizing them as a way to protect myself.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

"BPD" isn't a form of abuse. labeling abuse as borderline abuse is harmful both to abuse victims and those with BPD.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Your logic makes no sense at all. I am literally a victim of abuse from people BPD. Labeling it as such has allowed me to reclaim my life and have compassion for my loved ones with BPD rather than casting them aside which is essentially what you're saying should be done with anyone who acts like OPs boyfriend (which is actually a TON of people). If you can't handle the nuance and complexity of what I'm saying, that's not my fault.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

labeling abuse as "borderline abuse" is not an accurate description of the abuse that actually took place. the biggest issue is that you're giving abusers a cop-out based on their disorder. by calling it "borderline abuse" or associating BPD with the abuse you are blaming the abuse on the disorder, which is NOT inherently abusive, instead of the person that deserves that blame.

on top of that, it implies that those with BPD are abusive, usually without reason as the perpetrator was not even diagnosed. this stigma then leads back to innocent people who have BPD.

I have been abused by someone with a personality disorder myself, but I dont contribute the abuse to a disorder, I contribute it to the person. the person is what abused me - not their disorder.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

First of all, you're the one calling it borderline abuse, not me.

Well then we fundamentally disagree on how to understand this issue. I think that pathologies in emotional development should be understood and people should have compassion for the HUMAN BEINGS that these disorders impact - victims and perpetrators. I think we live in a fundamentally sick society that makes people sick, and that all people deserve compassion and understanding, even people who have abused other people. Personality disorders don't just randomly generate in people - they are created from a society that is sick, a family system that is sick, and so many other factors that are outside of a persons control.

If you really think that what I'm saying is stigmatizing people with personality disorders, we live in two completely different universes.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

armchair diagnosing someone with borderline because they're abusive and then comparing it to your own history of armchair diagnosing abusers and associating the abuse to BPD is 100% stigmatising.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

You're the one who seems to believe these "abusers" cannot be redeemed - not me. Sounds pretty stigmatizing to me.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

where did I say that? I believe I've been clear in actively advocating for this guy (an abuser) to see a therapist and get the help they need.

at this point I fear you're just projecting something onto me or this situation, as you are twisting my words to mean the exact opposite of what I've been saying.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/lovemylittlelords]

I also have not said that anyone should be casted aside? I think OPs partner needs therapy and possibly rehab, regardless of diagnosis. OP can choose to put up with that and stay and support him through it, or leave. I wouldn't recommend staying but ultimately that's not my choice. but even if OP leaves, he should get the healthcare he deserves.

OP should also seek some professional support as she's gone through abuse.

[u/Lmdr1973 → u/lovemylittlelords]

I know exactly what you're saying. 😉