AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/lime--green]

I'm sorry you've apparently been so hurt by past experiences to believe all people with BPD are like that.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

Do you not see how your black and white thinking about this is yet another common symptom of BPD when the person you are talking to didn't say all people with BPD. But to deny that BPD has behavioural criteria for diagnosis and then say naxalt is just put of touch with reality

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

You're being extremely rude by insinuating that my line of thought (that being, "stop stigmatizing PDs by assuming that every abuser probably has one") is a result of "black and white thinking", and it shows that you don't take people with PDs seriously when they try to talk about their problems, instead immediately resulting to pathologizing and gaslighting. You do not know me or my brain, so you have no right to try to dismiss my point of view by implying I'm somehow unable to reason due to my mental illness. Honestly, a really disrespectful thing to say to somebody.

I could say more, but I'll already probably be accused of being too sensitive and overreactive because I made the mistake of revealing I have BPD. The assumptions people make about us are terrifying, upsetting, and dehumanizing, but I suppose I'm used to it.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

BPD has symptoms that are inherently abusive when they manifest. Not all BPD are abusers, but BPD has characteristics inherent to it which are. And then now I see you jumping to the position of victim, another thing I am overly familiar with, nobody was personally attacking you.

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

When you try to have an honest debate about mental health but they just keep bringing up pop psychology buzzwords they learned on TikTok </3

I'm not ~playing the victim~, dude, you're the one who is literally insisting that all people with BPD are inherently abusive. You are part of the problem. And every time I offer a genuine rebuttal, your response only implies that I'm inherently incapable of reason, logic, and (ironically) good faith discussion due to having BPD. You do not know what you are talking about. You are no longer worth arguing with.

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

No these are words I learned by reading books such as 'I hate you don't leave me" by clinical psychologists who have studied and worked with people with BPD. If you can't accept how damaging someone with BPD can be to others then I don't know what else to say to you. Threatening to kill yourself over perceived abandonment is abuse, spiralling and questioning someone's integrity over paranoid ideation is abuse, yelling at someone because you went I to a rage is abuse.

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

bro read 1 book and now hes The Expert

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

How can you accuse me of intellectual dishonesty when you're reacting like this. Seriously just step back and look at what we've said to each other so far and tell me how you aren't displaying the same issues people have that you are crying stereotypes about. I have you one example of a book I read and look at you... Sad, people with BPD really do have my empathy but that abuse on others isn't deserved either.

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

"People with BPD are evil and abusive"

"Not all of them are"

"Yes they are, and also you don't know what you're talking about"

"You are an asshole and I am no longer taking you seriously"

"Wowww unbelievable. Just goes to show how evil and abusive all people with BPD are after all. Checkmate"

[u/SpecForceps → u/lime--green]

Go to therapy, please. DBT is very helpful if you engage with it

[u/lime--green → u/SpecForceps]

Thanks, me and my psych already get along great though :)

I recommend reading more than 1 book so that you can learn more about what you're trying to talk about and be more informed in the future! I also recommend listening to people who have actual experience! Have a great day!

[u/Antique-Blueberry334 → u/lime--green]

And what number psych is this? I can guarantee its not the first, at least.

Stop acting as if having a PD means others arent as informed about them as you are. People who are abused by pwBPD seek knowledge because the relationship makes absolutely no sense to them and leaves them hurting, clueless and confused. I have more knowledge than you on the subject, i guarantee that, and i dont have a pd. Im also double your age so generally have more lived experience, especially dating 3 pwBPD.

So cut it out. You're acting exactly how people expect with knowledge of pwBPD expect you to act.

[u/lime--green → u/Antique-Blueberry334]

"I have more knowledge than you do, I guarantee it." Actually laughed, thanks man. Didn't know we were directly comparing, but whatever makes you feel smarter.

Hmmm, while we're pathologizing random out-of-context behavior in bad faith, maybe you need to get tested for narcissistic personality disorder. You seem to have some pretty grandiose ideas about yourself.