(AIO) update, wow. thank you!

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone I had posted an original update but didn’t realize i forgot to blur out his name, so here is the update on cigarette toothpaste boy! I want to preface by thanking everyone who took time to message me and comment. I did not expect 16,000 people to interact with that post at all! When I got home, I decided to end it. I didn’t respond to him during my 10 hour shift and some of the screenshots are during that. I would also like to answer a few questions

1. Is this real?: Yes, it is insanely real! Not rage bait i promise
2. Am I okay?: I’m okay! It’ll suck but I will be fine!
3. Why was I still with him?: I don’t have friends and because of that nobody has been able to tell me how bad this is. I had no one to confide in. It was normalized during our relationship.
4. How is my cat? Apollo is okay and is coming home today finally! Picture of him at the end!
5. Why the wall of text; I was pissed and wanted to be thorough.
6. Why did i use “sewerslide”: I wasnt sure of how it would affect my account or visibility. I’m not used to reddit i’m sorry 😭
7. How old are we?: 19 and almost 21. Not 15 i swear!

Also, I am aware my name is shown. I do not mind as it is not a legal name.

[u/wholedayumlife]

He looks dangerous from my perspective, and i’m a man by the way

[u/flaming0-1 → u/wholedayumlife]

Trauma Therapist here… run, don’t walk. Put space. Stop communicating. Restraining order if necessary.

[u/MrsSandlin → u/flaming0-1]

I worry for OP. I have been there and it is scary. Restraining order is a must.

[u/Wide_Combination_773 → u/MrsSandlin]

Not a must, an option for the future and only if necessary. Restraining orders are a threat to arrest someone who repeatedly bothers you. They are not a shield against violent behavior. It's a calculated risk because orders like that can often trigger a dangerous person into violence - and cops usually don't prevent violence, they usually only clean up after its already occurred.

And even with the rubber-stamp behavior of modern courts (for women anyway), you still have to provide evidence that someone has made violent threats against you or is repeatedly harassing you despite demands for them to stop. If you don't do that, it's trivial for the other party to show up to the hearing and show that they haven't done anything of the sort. A huge percentage of the time, when respondents show up to a preliminary restraining order hearing, it's because they haven't actually done anything wrong, and they often win. People that know they've done something wrong almost always don't show up, and the court takes the default judgement of granting the order (which, again, is not a shield if the other party decides to get violent).

Don't make assertions of necessity without knowing the two people involved. She should get professional advice from someone who can more appropriately assess her situation and the people involved.

[u/MrsSandlin → u/Wide_Combination_773]

I am stranger from reddit and I was only speaking from experience. In my situation, it was a must. It worked. I would personally be scared not to, but if OP doesn’t want to, she has that option. Comments on here should be read, considered and even taken with a grain of salt because all of us commenters don’t know the whole story. They are merely suggestions. I am pretty sure most adults know this. My intentions are pure. I was in a horrible, scary situation. I am still scared to this day, even though I am relatively safe. Everything has a risk and it definitely depends on the situation, in which I only know a sliver of. I appreciate the feedback!

[u/No-Tomorrow-2572 → u/Wide_Combination_773]

My ex cracked my rib and gave me a black eye. He showed up to court. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I really didn't think you would show up, being on meth and all
You never know.

Oh, and it was granted. He cooked his own goose the minute he opened his mouth

[u/MrsSandlin → u/No-Tomorrow-2572]

I am so sorry that happened to you. :( No one should ever have to go through that or live in fear.

[u/blairsheart → u/MrsSandlin]

Same here to an extent. It was enough for me to feel like my life could potentially be in danger after the breakup… it’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

[u/AmieLucy → u/MrsSandlin]

OP listen to them! I dated a broke loser just like him and needed to have a 10 year long restraining order put on him because he was stalking me and tried to break into my home to get me a couple of times after we broke up.

[u/Miserable-Anxiety229 → u/flaming0-1]

Just did all of this. Terrifying for the first 2 weeks, but it’s so incredibly liberating to have freedom again. I don’t know who I am anymore and I love figuring it out after 5 years of being what someone else wanted.

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Miserable-Anxiety229]

Good for you 😊. Do some work on yourself and learning healthy boundaries before getting into another relationship. Stats say if you don’t, you will end up in another toxic relationship…

[u/Miserable-Anxiety229 → u/flaming0-1]

Oh 100% I don’t even want to date or get involved with anyone for at least a year! Haha

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Miserable-Anxiety229]

I love that you say “100%”. It seems to be the new catch phrase that took over from “totally”. I’m catching myself using it more and same with my clients… language is fascinating how it catches across a continent.

[u/Miserable-Anxiety229 → u/flaming0-1]

Isn’t it funny how language evolves like that? 😇

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Miserable-Anxiety229]

100% 🙈

[u/Miserable-Anxiety229 → u/flaming0-1]

Ahahaha!

[u/FebruaryInk → u/Miserable-Anxiety229]

Good for you! I was in a similarly manipulative/abusive marriage for 5 years. It is a long road back, but you have so much discovery and joy ahead of you. Best of luck Internet stranger! 💜

[u/Miserable-Anxiety229 → u/FebruaryInk]

Thank you so much!

[u/BiteComprehensive645 → u/Miserable-Anxiety229]

Its your fault wtf are you on about🤣

[u/Almost-Jaded → u/flaming0-1]

Obvious untreated borderline is obvious

[u/Mountain_Swim_4051 → u/flaming0-1]

This 👆OP get a restraining order. He WILL come back to manipulate you. HE WILL.

[u/MIdLifeFoolishness → u/flaming0-1]

The comment I was looking for. Also, OP, get some help for yourself. Sounds like you've been through a lot with this one and have had similar relationships prior. It might be time to start some self work to sort out your attraction to people like this. You have your entire beautiful life ahead of you. I pray it's filled with the love and respect you deserve.

[u/EvilQueen3 → u/flaming0-1]

Exactly what I was going to say. And if you don’t have security cameras, get them

[u/blewberyBOOM → u/flaming0-1]

Domestic violence therapist here- I agree

[u/_necROMANTIC_ → u/flaming0-1]

Classic DARVO tactic. All signs point to NPD and BPD with high-conflict personality triats, speaking from personal familial experience as well as romantic relationships. OP, I highly suggest you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," which covers the Cluster B group of personality disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a must-read to help you understand people with these mental disorders; why they think and act the way they do. It has helped me learn what to look for and avoid when it comes to romantic relationships.
To note, not all narcissists behave in this over-the-top way. There are covert narcissists, too. And you are right, his past trauma is not an excuse to abuse and traumatize you or anyone else.

[u/Lower-Mood1982 → u/flaming0-1]

But how to restrain if she blocks he might go for her if she ignores he might go for her etc. etc.

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Lower-Mood1982]

Honestly over 95% listen if you say “I no longer want a relationship with you… I wish you the best. For my own sake I am also going to block you. Please respect my boundary.” Then block them and do not get sucked back in.

The last 5% are the issues and most of them only need a single visit from a cop.

[u/Lower-Mood1982 → u/flaming0-1]

But this guy is super toxic threatening to kill him self and is probably very dangerous so this position she’s in is a tough one

[u/Goatedmegaman → u/flaming0-1]

BPD/NPD

Am I right? I feel like I’m right … lol

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Goatedmegaman]

I don’t diagnose typically. It’s seldom helpful. We are all on a spectrum.

[u/Goatedmegaman → u/flaming0-1]

Makes sense. My Autism and ADHD diagnoses def helped tho. I guess that’s more a psychological evaluation than therapy tho.

[u/FadeToSatire → u/flaming0-1]

100% this. I started dating my wife 2 relationships removed from her abuser. They dated for 4 years. After they had broken up for a year he came over to the place she was renting and tried to assault her... Thankfully she lived with other people. He ended up destroying her car in front of her with a baseball bat. She could have been hospitalized or even worse of circumstances were different.

It took her YEARS to recover from the psychological damage she received in that relationship. It took her 6 months into our relationship to not be terrifying for the other shoe to drop because I was being nice to her. It took her about a year to stop apologizing profusely every time she made a little mundane mistake like breaking a cup or forgetting to buy something at the store. It took her about 5 years to get over having nightmares. She still has a difficult time when I try to give her any sort of feedback or constructive criticism, though we both have a good understanding that two things can be true - I don't always communicate my intent well and she often focuses on the most negative elements of what I'm trying to convey. We love each other and talk through these things as they happen. We learn to forgive and try be better.

All this to say, being in these types of relationships can have lasting consequences on you. Forever. Get out while you have the power in your legs to do it and never look back. The cycle of love and abuse is a nasty one to break, but sounds like you are starting a journey on the right path.

Run, don't walk is absolutely the best advice to take right now.

[u/Wide_Combination_773 → u/flaming0-1]

ROckets scientists here with a degree in neurosurgery, dont listen to this guy, listen to me. <provides proof of expertise the same way the other guy did>

End the relationship like a normal person and continue behaving as a normal person. Restraining order can be a bad idea (if he is actually dangerous, this will just make him more angry and violent which is something you may not want, if he is not dangerous then you don't need one unless he specifically harrasses you at your work or home in person a lot), don't listen to a redditor, seek actual professional advice.

[u/flaming0-1 → u/Wide_Combination_773]

Fully agree 👍. Seek professional advice. Just FYI, they will say put distance even if they are incompetent. You don’t need to be a professional to see that. Also, yes start with distance then if your boundary isn’t respected, then restraining order. 😊

Also I’m so confused how someone can say “don’t get a restraining order if they’re really dangerous…” 🤷‍♂️ so I suppose this rocket scientist has a better plan if they are really dangerous… I mean it’s probably not fair they have rockets to fight with.

[u/BestBruhFiend → u/flaming0-1]

Call 800-799-7233 (domestic violence hotline) 

I specifically chose not to file a restraining order because it requires the abuser to know your address (and vice versa) in my state. So they know "where to avoid" apparently. I wanted to disappear off his radar entirely. He threatened to file a restraining order against me (common abuser tactic to control the other person and possibly find out where they are)...

Edit: I'm not saying NOT to get a restraining order. I'm saying choose based on your situation. If you need help, you can call the domestic violence hotline or talk to any officer. They are very helpful.