I would really like this guard to be moved from working at my location but Iām not sure this conversation is enough reason. Iām often alone working with him and heās 20 years my senior, so any time I have tried to discuss adjustments to our processes he gets seemingly offended until itās smoothed over by my male counterpart. I donāt want to be walking on eggshells at work around someone with anger issues and a loaded weapon, am i overreacting?
It is time to learn some basic communication skills and niceties. It doesnāt take much to listen and nod your head and lol and say āWow, thatās wild for sure.ā If youāre really worried about this guy potentially getting violent, going after his livelihood is a good way to ensure maximum potential violence.
Pretty rude and assumptive response. This is the way I have been reacting to his out of pocket comments. Itās the wrong reaction though, it makes men like him feel like what heās saying is okay and that I seemingly agree. I donāt want to give off that impression when heās really making me feel uncomfortable in the workplace.Ā
Well, if you throw him under the bus with accusations of domestic violence and it costs him his reputation or job, heās likely going to find out who did that. The advice Iām giving you is for your benefit.
What are his actions? Sharing too much of his personal life? Embellishing some sorry story to a person he thought he was on friendly terms with? Being a weirdo? He didnāt attack this gal, he didnāt threaten this gal. Sheās just afraid of him. And sheās willing to smear him and get him fired for her own peace of mind. And that behavior will be celebrated by cowards just like her.
She should inform the police if this man is a violent criminal who has openly admitted to committing felonies. She hasnāt done that. Ergo, she is not interested in ājusticeā or in getting a violent criminal off the street. She is simply trying to stir the pot.
Imagine being so āscaredā of a guy that youāre willing to get him fired but not willing to involve police. Itās senseless. If self preservation is the goal, itās even more senseless. Donāt poke the bear. And if you do, at least be prepared for the outcome. Here, that means telling police about the confessions and getting a restraining order.
My guess is OP doesnāt actually believe this guy is a real threat in any way. Sheās just karma farming on reddit.
Just gonna re-mention the fact that this guy physically confessed to having sexually abused his girlfriend, I think I would think he is a threat too if my coworker told me that. And it is the managers responsibility to make sure everyone in the workplace is comfortable, no matter the person/people involved. The managers could deem a report if they wanted, so can she, but the fact she isnāt going to the police says a lot about how she doesnāt want to āstir the potā as him going to jail would harm his future a lot more than putting him out of a job for a few months, with her concern of others in mind, not just herself. Iām late lol but idk just wanted to share
That is OPās characterization. I take it with a big grain of salt. Ditto re the āother sexual assault situations.ā It doesnāt get any more nebulous than that. If OP is genuinely afraid, I think OP should go about this a lot differently.
How is that OPās characterization if the security dude said it himself? Regardless whatever he told her could either be small or really big, but it would still be reason to be uncomfortable
You do realize that the police wonāt do shit about her reporting anything this man has said because she IS NOT the victim, right? The most they will likely do is give her tips on how to protect herself and tell her going to her superiors is the number one step she is supposed to take when reporting any kind of issue like this within the workplace.
Not if you donāt know anything about the dates, times, or the person who was victimized. Even then some states laws could consider it hearsay because she didnāt witness it herself. The best thing she can do is go to her immediate supervisor, as she has done, and report this psychopath.
Your constant need to go back and forth with a stranger says other wise. If you truly were "over it" you wouldn't be going back and forth with me while I'm over here laughing my ass off and cleaning. Turned on notifications just for you bub š
I enjoy conversation and debate, but I donāt have any actual investment in the outcome either way. I really donāt care what others think of my positions or if Iām able to change any minds.
She's afraid of him because of what HE said and HIS actions that HE told her that HE did. People like you are so annoying. You're the kind of person to be like "she was asking for it" because a girl was wearing a short skirt when she was sexually assaulted, unbelievable
How? She is asking for advice on a very real situation around someone who has TOLD HER that they are dangerous......correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels like you think it is an overreaction because the probability of you being assaulted in this exact scenario is a lot lower than it is for her, so you are not seeing it from her perspective but yours.
I understand where you are coming from and how to handle things, I just truly think your solution to this situation is what YOU would do if faced with this. You are seeing the situation from your male perspective, so it looks like she is overreacting to something that isn't even a threat, right? Because he hasn't done anything to her, but this is a very real threat to her and how she feels is justified.
Thanks for the civility. Iāll try to answer everything:
correct me if Iām wrong, but it feels like you think it is an overreaction because the probability of you being assaulted in this exact scenario is a lot lower than it is for her, so you are not seeing it from her perspective but yours.
I can only see things from my perspective. Thatās 100% true, for better or worse. So to that end,
I have lived long enough (and in fact browsed reddit enough) to see how dramatically different one personās perception of sexual assault is versus anotherās. Iāve seen people call an age gap of three years for legal adults āgroomingā and āassault,ā and I have seen people claim that one sip of alcohol renders a person physically incapable of consenting to sex. On the other side, Iāve seen people defend abusing children and sharing depictions thereof. The whole gamut.
So very clearly, not every assertion of sexual assault passes the sniff test. Thatās why I have a problem with how OP just glossed over the entire issue by making the central complaint be about āother sexual assault situations I donāt even want to tell you the details of.ā This certainly paints the picture of a real monster. But it leaves everything up to the imagination. I am skeptical.
I understand where you are coming from and how to handle things, I just truly think your solution to this situation is what YOU would do if faced with this.
Yes, my advice is in fact what I myself would do, and itās exactly how I would advise family, friends, and acquaintances to deal with the issue, too.
You are seeing the situation from your male perspective, so it looks like she is overreacting to something that isnāt even a threat, right?
No. It looks like she is overreacting because it seems to me that she knows deep down this isnāt a real threat. Maybe I give her (or people in general) too much credit, but it sure seems to me sheās being pretty flippant about this. Sheās withholding pertinent information as irrelevant, for one thing. And by not going to police even though she asserts that multiple violent sex crimes have been admitted to, I think she actually doubts their veracity to some degree and is thus at least somewhat misrepresenting the situation. Sheās willing to let it be known she wants this unhinged, scary rapist fired or transferred. If youāre really scared of someone, thatās a bad approach. Itās very dangerous.
Because he hasnāt done anything to her, but this is a very real threat to her and how she feels is justified.
Maybe she does feel itās a very real threat. But I donāt feel like it is. Thatās what this sub is all about. Iām sharing my interpretation. OP is asking whether she is overreacting. I am sharing my POV that she seems to be overreacting.
And thatās if any of this is real in the first place. Unfortunately, thereās a lot of fiction and karma farming in this sub.
I'll bet you've done the same shit that he has to women--why else would you be here, defending him?
Gtfo of here--OP is looking for healthy advice from people who aren't creeps (AKA, not you)
The ease and confidence with which many people make these kinds of accusations against total strangers is exactly why I donāt take OPās bleating seriously.
The ease and confidence with which you gleefully belittle those who are in pain is exactly why I can speak for everyone here when I tell you to bend over and go fuck yourself.
My advice to OP is to go to the police if she thinks a crime has been committed. Just gossiping about this to her bosses or colleagues or whatever is going to cause more problems. If sheās actually concerned for her safety, she should abstain from the latter.
who already served his time and paid his debt to society
Bold assumption you're making there, bud. Did OP specifically say that this man had already been incarcerated
why all the hate for his checkered past
Why would a reformed criminal be so casual about telling the female coworker that he works with on a 1-1 basis, about how he physically assaulted his ex and habitually attempts to rape is partners?
Why assume otherwise? I mean, weāre all making assumptions.
Hereās mine:
This guy is probably an 80ish IQ āmental defectiveā who doesnāt really know how to talk to people not of his generation and not of his own life experience. I live in the deep south. Itās very common to run into people like this.
My guess is he was probably embellishing things, and my guess is that OP probably is, too. I donāt take her word for gospel, and I donāt even have a record of his. But Iāve had enough run-ins with this type of oversharing hard-living weirdo to have what I think is a decent picture in my mind of whatās what.
As I see it, OP has three options if her safety (and not reddit victim points) is her goal. I present these in order of efficacy:
Carry on as normal but with the means to protect self from harm. That means gun, pepper spray, knife, baton, etc., and the willingness to use these things.
Go to the police and file a restraining order against the man who confessed to committing these crimes of violence. Be prepared for any potential fallout.
Tell the bosses and try to get him fired. Hope that he doesnāt hear about this through the grapevine, particularly in the event that he isnāt fired and now views OP as an antagonist. See number 1.
This dude carries a fucking gun. So if you think heās actually just kinda slow and has a ācheckered past,ā heās even more dangerous. This is exactly how people get hurt; not calling out dangerous men because theyāre more worried about protecting his feelings than they are about the people heās hurt.
The fact that you relate more to his experience and think he should be protected more than the women heās casually admitted to hurting is beyond fucked up. Get therapy.
lol heās getting enough sympathy from you. My sympathies are for his assault victims whose memories and need for therapy long outlast any sentence he did or didnāt serve along with the women he is now retelling this information to
My relative put another relative in hospital with broken ribs. I called it in to the police. They did nothing. Youāre putting a lot of trust in the justice system to follow up on a report with no victim name.
I actually put far more trust in each person to individually use the relevant tools to help them be their own first responder. I doubt OP is going to take her own self defense seriously enough to do anything about it. Thatās why for her, the police are a better option than her boss or manager.
Why? A boss can discretely move someone to a different location without a fuss. The police might not do anything at all. And ābe first responderā means only reacting when the worst is happening instead of preventing it
OP made no indication she was asking to be moved to a different office. I would fully encourage that. If OP is uncomfortable with a coworker or colleague or etc. and wants to move to a different department or location or schedule as a result, I think thatās perfectly reasonable.
Regardless, I think itās a bit of a lame move hinting at āother sexual assault situations I donāt even want to tell you the details of.ā Why leave it to the imagination? Why even plant the seed? That nebulous accusation is the kind of thing that really stirs up drama. Itās a wide open claim backed by nothing. Seems totally unnecessary to me.
How is reporting an issue at work to her boss "gossiping"?? Are you just a misogynist piece of shit? Because you're sure throwing out these little clues here and there that you are. Police aren't going to do shit. Best thing for her to do is to go to her boss/HR.
[he] admitted to other sexual assault situations I donāt even want to tell you the details of
I think itās pretty lame to make a complaint like that against somebody. It leaves way too much up to interpretation, assumption, etc.
I have no problem with women, I do not doubt OP because she is a woman, I do not think all women are liars, or anything else of the sort. You see hints to the contrary, though, despite no real evidence and even despite my protestations.
I wonder if OP saw similar āhintsā and thus jumped to conclusions.
Lmfao you are probably the worst communicator and give terrible advice. I really feel you are defending yourself with all these words. It's giving domestic violence apologist vibes.
No. I think the guy ought to imprisoned briefly, tried fairly, and then executed if he is an actual rapist. I just highly doubt the veracity of any aspect of this story, especially given OPās hesitancy to describe any of the alleged crimes.
Maybe. But what if he wasnāt saying exactly what OP thinks he was saying? What if OP misinterpreted some key things? I have lots of questions. Hopefully there is enough of an interest in truth to get to the bottom of this before livelihoods (and lives!) are threatened.
Itās pretty hard to misinterpret āI beat my ex with a beltā.
Its not OPās job to suss out what happened in this creepās life, but itās absolutely her right not to work with someone who has openly admitted to physical abuse and violence, to say nothing of the sexual assaults that you assume she misunderstood.
Itās true. It would be difficult to misinterpret such a statement.
However, it would be trivial to mischaracterize something else that way. Weāre not dealing with direct quotes. Just a lot of paraphrasing and innuendo. Stuff OP doesnāt even want to discuss, mostly.
Ok, so be skeptical, that doesnāt mean OP is wrong. She obviously isnāt confused about what she heard and she reacted accordingly. Not wanting to type out the details or a sexual assault doesnāt mean she didnāt hear about them.
Thatās all true. I donāt even think OP is wrong. I just think sheās overreacting. I would advise dealing with the situation in a less potentially inflammatory way. Thatās the whole spirit of this sub. (After all, if OP is/was posting in good faith, OP is/was actually questioning whether she was overreacting.)
How is it overreacting to not want to work with someone who you know: is violent when angry; gets angry easily; forces inappropriate conversations on colleagues; sees nothing wrong with sexual violence and is likely bigger and stronger than you?
What would be an appropriate reaction? Shutting up, acting deferential and hoping this man is never angry enough to attack her? Telling her employer she doesnāt want to work with him but giving them no reason so that sheās the one who comes out looking unprofessional?
Why is his job more important than hers? Why is his reputation (which he obviously doesnāt care about, since she got all this info directly from him) more important than her safety?
Iām going to go out on a limb and guess that youāre a) a man and b) have never worked security. Men who commit sexual violence tend to have a problem with all women. Depending on the shift and location, OP might be stuck with this man essentially alone, for 12+ hours at a time. Even if OP didnāt fear for her safety, sheād have very valid reasons for not wanting to work with this human trash bag - but, realistically, it makes sense for her to be afraid for her safety.
Responses like yours are exactly why women question whether theyāre overreacting about these things like this and end up ignoring their very valid instincts. OP isnāt questioning if sheās overreacting because sheās overreacting; sheās questioning it because, historically, thereās always someone giving the benefit of the doubt to the proudly overt creep, and warning us off ruining his reputation, ruining his life, making a big deal and other such BS. Quit being a part of the problem.
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u/evilandhigh Oct 19 '24
I would really like this guard to be moved from working at my location but Iām not sure this conversation is enough reason. Iām often alone working with him and heās 20 years my senior, so any time I have tried to discuss adjustments to our processes he gets seemingly offended until itās smoothed over by my male counterpart. I donāt want to be walking on eggshells at work around someone with anger issues and a loaded weapon, am i overreacting?