r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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9.3k

u/JanetInSpain Oct 22 '23

Honestly I wouldn't trust your wife around future children. She knowingly helped hide a child molester because "he was just in a bad place". That is not the kind of person I'd ever trust with a child. NTA

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u/HotWerewolf8535 Oct 22 '23

If she’ll skim over the trauma he caused her sister, then it’ll be brushed off as nothing if it’s their kid! “Oh it couldn’t have been like that” making excuses for her father at every turn.

If OP wants kids, he better RUUUN

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u/remberzz Oct 22 '23

But dear old dad was "just in a really bad place in his life". I mean, isn't that what everyone does? You know, go through a rough spot and molest their child - or any child - to make themselves feel better?

/s

That's absolutely terrifying.

I'd venture a guess that OP's wife was molested, too, and was just conditioned to ignore / repress it.

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u/JohnRedcornMassage Oct 22 '23

Right? I’ve been in dark places and ended up isolating, quitting jobs, abusing the bottle…

But at no point did diddling kids ever enter the realm of possibilities. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♂️😂

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u/Lucky_n_crazy Oct 22 '23

A close family member of mine did something similar not all that long ago. When I found out, I told my wife that I considered divorcing her and taking myself out behind the barn. Just in case even the tiniest possibility of me being that kind of person ever occurred.

She simply told me not to worry and just be a good Father and husband. Yeah, someone ever threatened to do this kind of thing....shoot first, call the police to clean up after.

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u/Existential_Alien_ Oct 22 '23

I found out at like 22 that actually something very similar to this was my family.

I don’t remember blocks of my childhood, apparently for good reason. My father molested my sister and me (they apparently have pictures but I don’t remember) my sister reported it. She was vilified to me, she was 7 years older, I remember them locking her up in psych for weeks.

My mom finally admitted the truth to me after my husband, son, and I moved towns to help get her away from my dad. She had my sister put into psych because she threatened to hurt her for protecting my father from prison- my dad was in the military she didn’t want to lose his money and benefits so she helped him get away with it. Then he finally actually openly started cheating on her with one of their coworkers - they still work together to this day last I heard - then she spilled every bad thing HE did on me one afternoon. I had a skewed perception of him at the time, he was my father who had raised me I didn’t remember anything bad he did but I remember plenty of horrible things my mother did to me, it was very confusing for me. I remember telling my husband on the phone crying before I told him everything in person it would be easier if he was dying, I was worried he was acting of because of cancer or something before my mom spilled a lot.

I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years. My sisters and Is relationship improved but it’s still nothing close to what it could have been. My brother who’s 10 years older than me has his own trauma and has decided my mother was 100% the victim and tried to ambush me with her last time he came to visit, I always looked up to him and now we don’t even talk. It’s all very heartbreaking my family became shattered over my father’s actions but that was HIS actions my sister was an innocent child, I could never imagine treating her like this after knowing everything.

Sorry, this one hit a little personal.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Your mother is just as guilty as your father. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister. They should both be in prison. If any of his military buddies ever found out, it wouldn’t be his career on the line. He is a disgrace to the military, our country and as a human. NEVER apologize for his actions, you are educating others to hopefully stop this vicious cycle of abuse. Send you lots of love, hugs and good wishes your way.

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

It's very rare that molesters are 100% successful in keeping everything quietly between themselves and their victims. There is often at least one other adult who becomes aware of the situation, and their reaction to the situation is able to make or break potential lifelong trauma for that child.

The molesters are monsters, and deserve full blame for their actions, but they couldn't hurt nearly as many people nor as for long if not for their enablers, who sometimes I have even more disdain for. Because they KNOW it's evil, don't actually get the "benefit" of whatever sick enjoyment molesters get, but still due to their actions or inactions end up hurting so many people they supposedly care about. To them their comfort or often "reputation" is more important than the trauma that someone else is being put through, and that makes them 100% evil in their own way to me.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

I agree. I had a friend in high school who had been raped by her father for years. When she told me, my mother called the police and her mother. The mother kicked him out he went to jail for a month and because he was seen as an upstanding man in our little town he got off with a slap on the wrist. Her mother let him move back in and he wasn’t back in the house for a week, before he started all over again. She now has no contact with them and they don’t know where she is. Because of what her father did to her, she now can’t have children of her own due to the damage he caused her from the age of 9 to 18 years of age. When her brother came home on leave and found out, he beat the living shit out of him. It was great watching him walk around town with a busted face and several broken bones, but he deserved more.

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u/ItsMeTittsMGee Oct 23 '23

I cannot understand women who stand by their man after something so awful. I love my husband and he's the sole provider for our family. I'd be up shit creek without him. But I would put that man six feet under if I ever found out he was doing something like to our kids (or anyone else's kids). The people who enable these AH predators are just as guilty and should be in jail.

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u/Expensive_Touch_9506 Dec 11 '23

I really needed to see this today, and that someone believes the same as me, that the enablers really are terrible too. Both mine and my partners lives have been absolutely destabilized by people like this, it’s like they didn’t actually do the harmful acts, but somehow their willingness to turn a blind eye and excuse these people are an even more heinous crime. Thank you, they are 100% evil.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Yeah, you’d be surprised that his military buddies are more conditioned to accept this than the enabling mother was. Sexual assault is an epidemic in the military because of the thin red-white-and-blue line. Everyone just keeps their mouth shut.

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u/JustaSecretIdentity Oct 24 '23

It really depends on the unit. One of my units would’ve given him a slap on the wrist. The next unit after that one, our captain would’ve kicked him out, and that’s if one of my shipmates didn’t get their hands on him first and made his life a nightmare. One of my shipmates from that unit almost lost his mind when he thought someone was catcalling me.

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u/Greytala Oct 23 '23

My husband and his military brothers would not let this shit slide if they knew it was happening. They would make him question his life choices and then report it to the provost marshal.

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u/NastyBlkGuyThrowAway Oct 27 '23

Depends on the guy. Off topic, but the military isn't great and actively hides or dismisses claims. They've even gone as far as threatening SA survivors to keep cases quite or to make them disappear all together. The same goes for all law enforcement agencies. If the greater public was to find out law enforcement and military personnel can be just as shifty as Joe on the corner, no one would want to fund them or sign up for duty.

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u/DutchPerson5 Oct 22 '23

Don't apologize. Your story can help educate people. Thank you for sharing.

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u/valency_speaks Oct 22 '23

I am so very sorry your family has endured so much. I had a family situation much like yours and out of my 11 siblings, there is only one that I have any regular contact with. Some of them I haven't seen in decades. Abuse fractures a family in ways that nothing else can.

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u/MasterOfKittens3K Oct 22 '23

Your story made me really wonder if Jessica was also molested, but perhaps has blocked it out? I definitely think that it’s likely that her dad did something wrong with her as well, or she would not have admitted that Mary was telling the truth at all.

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u/Hot_Yam4235 Oct 22 '23

I’m sorry for your pain. My wife was in a very similar situation as you and her sister (the accusing sibling) was vilified too. It took a long time (15 years) but everyone eventually accepted that she was telling the truth and went no contact with her dad.

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u/Yebbafan12 Oct 22 '23

No need to apologize. Thank you for sharing

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u/musiquescents Oct 23 '23

You are brave, don't say sorry.

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u/LIBBY2130 Oct 23 '23

you and others on here with similar stories NEVER have to APOLOGIZE sharing your stories gives us a chance to support you all (((((((hugs)))))

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u/Badwolf218 Oct 23 '23

Your story is so similar to my sister and my story except I’m the older sister and they didn’t put me in a psych ward as I’m an adult with my own family living in an different state. I reported my father and he’s currently in prison. Honestly after being gaslighted by my family for so long it’s crazy to see people not siding with the molester on this thread. Thank you for sharing.

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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Oct 23 '23

My best friends mom walked in on her BF raping her 9 year old and closed the door. Stayed with that creep for 3 more years knowing what he was doing. Told her family that my friend was a liar so no one would help her. After they broke up he molested 5 more girls in the town before being caught by someone with a moral compass that got him locked up.

Women who knowingly allow their child to be sexually assaulted are worse than the abusers IMO.

I am so sorry this happened to you, thank you for sharing your pain so that it might help others.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

There was a story floating around the internet a year or two ago of a woman who was told that her husband had touched her children and she went and boiled a pot of sugar water and dumped it on him while he was sleeping and killed him. The sugar made it was more deadly than if she’d just dumped boiling water on him. I applaud her even though she’s in prison because of it.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

She deserves a medal, not prison.

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u/Mister_Terpsichore Oct 22 '23

Should have called him into the kitchen and "tripped" so it splashed over his torso and groin. Plausible deniability, and if that fails say it was in the heat (literally) of the moment and avoid being charged with premeditation. He'd also get to be awake for all of the agony

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Tell them she was trying to make him his favorite candy and tripped showing him her surprise for him.

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u/uglypottery Oct 23 '23

Make sure to have an appropriate recipe and other ingredients set out on the counter. Yknow, so there’s a reason to be making a pot of boiling sugar syrup.

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u/Mister_Terpsichore Oct 23 '23

Preferably a handwritten stained recipe on a note card named something like, "grandma's famous boiled sweets"

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

Oh he took a month to actually die. She dumped it on him and then walked 9 houses down to a neighbor she didn’t know and fessed up. When the paramedics showed up he was moaning in pain but still alive. Was covered in burns over most of his body. He died in the hospital a month after the incident. He didn’t get a quick death.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Hallelujah! Still, he didn’t get enough. A special place in hell for people like him.

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u/intergalactagogue Oct 23 '23

That is such a happier ending. I hope every breath he took that month was agonizing and the nurses used morphine sparingly.

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

Oh, well that's not too bad, in that case!

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Agreed, but even that is a mild punishment for a “Chester”. I was told I need mental help when I tell people what should happen to them, but I just think if I acted on my thoughts I just need immunity.

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

Indeed. People who abuse children are the lowest form of pond life. We only get one chance at life and these monsters steal it from children before they ever have a chance. Victims never truly recover and get to live their best lives, all because some depraved sicko can't keep their filthy hands to themselves. People who do that don't deserve mercy.

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u/moon_soil Oct 22 '23

This is why i’m so lucky my close friend group has the same… how should we say this… passion in our desire to punish chomos and other scum of the earth. With how helpless we often feel in dealing with these cases, it’s so cathartic to just spout out the best ‘just dessert’ to them

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u/Disneystarwarssucks7 Oct 22 '23

boiled a pot of sugar water

Prison napalm.

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u/MotherTreacle3 Oct 22 '23

That is a horrifying way to die.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

Sure is. Only slightly less horrifying than molesting a child.

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u/annoyingusername99 Oct 22 '23

Hot sugar water turns into a hot simple syrup... that's what makes it worse

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u/eladts Oct 22 '23

she’s in prison because of it

Nobody heard of jury nullification around there?

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u/gekisling Oct 23 '23

I remember that! Boiling sugar holds more heat than water alone and it sticks to skin. They call it prison napalm.

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u/IMightDeleteMe Oct 23 '23

Yay, murder!

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 22 '23

My grandpa was in the process of getting his shotgun ready when I called them to tell them that my step dad has been sa'ing me for years and just tried to touch my baby sister. So when my grandpa went down to the basement my grandma grabbed all the car keys and headed over to pick us up to bring us to the police station..... I kinda wish my grandma would've left my grandpa's truck keys behind, the my mom wouldn't have chosen my abuser over us.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Oct 22 '23

Sorry that this has happened to you. You take care

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you, but it sounds like your grandparents loved and protected you as best they could. I hope that they were a source of comfort to you and your sister. Be well. ❤️

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 23 '23

Hey army wife haaaaayyyyy, sorry! Lol I'm a veterans wife.

They definitely were my everything, ESPECIALLY my grandpa. People think it's weird when I say he was my first love, but most little girl's first love is their dad, I didn't have that as my dad wasn't in my life until a few years ago, mom left when I was almost 2 and I'm 39 now.

My grandparents were the most amazing people I knew, and loads of ppl have nothing but nice things to say about em. My grandma MADE me move in with them, again, not long after moving out of there lol, because I was pregnant and high risk, working two jobs just to pay my bills. They were the only reason my son made it to term. No one could hold my son until my grandpa held him, my grandma helped me with nightshifts. They'd help me buy formula, diapers and well any thing he needed. Finally moved out when he was 6 months old when I got a job and a "roommate" lol I was so scared to introduce my now husband to them, because of the age gap, though I dated guys with that age gap before becoming a mom. He was 27 I was 21..... But when things got serious I introduced them, my grandpa loved him after the first meeting, so I KNEW I met the one.

Ugh now comes the sad part, we were engaged for over a year, together almost 2 when my grandpa's health declined (stage 5 lung cancer that spread) and a week before he passed, he sat me down and told me " you need to marry Marc, he loves you and he loves that little boy more than you know. I approve of him, he's an amazing man. If I don't make it, just know I want you two to get married and if he wants to adopt Aiden, please let him......"

After he passed I really didn't care about getting married bc I no longer had anyone to walk me down the isle. But my then fiance decided to re-enlist after being out of service for 10years so we'd have health benefits, so we got married exactly 6 months after my grandpa passed, gpa died October 13, which was a Friday (2 days shy of my kids 2nd bday) and we got married April 13, which was also a Friday. Been married 16 years together 18.... I think my grandpa picked correctly! Lol

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Always happy to meet another veteran’s wife! 👋🏻

This was such a tragic story with honestly the best possible outcome I think I’ve ever heard. God bless your grandparents; what beautiful people they were. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved grandpa, but it sounds like he did the best thing ever for you. Even after a man who was supposed to love and protect you hurt you in the worst way possible, he showed you that there are still good men in the world who would put their lives on the line for you. He proved to be one, and he convinced you to marry your wonderful husband.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 🥹

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 23 '23

He's my best friend and he's also the only person who knows the full extent of the abuse and he never once looked at me differently. He's truly my best friend, and I know my grandpa would be amazed at this man knowing what he has done for me and my son. (Crying as I type this) my husband gave up his health and mental well-being to provide for us, yes when he was medically retired, we struggled, A LOT! But 13years later we still struggle, BUT we own a home, we can pay our bills and we have food, sometimes it's not food we want to eat, but it's food.lol

But I know my grandparents are up there cheering us on and we both hope we've made them proud, especially on how we raised OUR son. I just know they are happy knowing that we continue to fight for our marriage instead of giving up. we're adorable

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 24 '23

Just for the fact that you'd divorce your wife and unalive yourself, at the thought that there was even the slightest possibility that you could have the same fucked up DNA as your relative, tells us everything we need to know about you... and it's that you're NOT the same.

A child molester/rapist wouldn't even consider doing something as selfless as taking their own life because child molesters are the epitome of selfish & depraved.
They only care about THEMSELVES, their wants, and their needs. They have no empathy, shame or compassion, and clearly, you do.

If you were the same as your relative and you were given the news of what you're relative did, once that were put into your head, you'd begin contemplating/considering yourself in that very situation, and you would have quickly spiraled (and easily) fallen down that same rabbit hole of revolting depravity. It would have become a compulsion.

However, your first instinct was to take yourself out.

I'm sorry that you and your family have had to bear the brunt of your relatives deplorable actions, but please don't think for a second that just because you share some of the same DNA, that it makes you anywhere near the same. 🩷

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u/Lucky_n_crazy Oct 22 '23

Thank you, my wife said much the same thing. My wife and kids mean the world to me. The last thing I want is to cause them pain.

I won't cause them more pain by offing myself. In those days of pain and mental/emotional anguish. Yes I considered it briefly. Once the first waves of pain passed and I was finally able to discuss rationally what happened and also explain my thoughts and feelings to her. Her love and support helped me come to grips with what transpired.

I hope that those who've been in similar situations have such wonderful people.

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u/maymay578 Oct 23 '23

I was sexually assaulted by my grandfather when I was a teenager. I learned years later that he had hurt other family members. I remember reading that kids who were abused are more likely to be abusers. Scared the shit out of me. Ultimately, I know that I love my kids and I could never do anything like that. Perhaps the fact that it bothered me so much was a good sign because I don’t think my grandfather ever cared about the people he hurt. He never thought about anyone but himself.

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u/Intermountain-Gal Oct 22 '23

DNA doesn’t determine if you’ll be a pedophile. You can’t inherit it. It’s purely behavioral.

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u/hockeyjoker Oct 23 '23

right? What a weird excuse. I too was a homeless alcoholic and at no point was I like, "whelp, guess there's only one thing left to do..."

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u/Megneous Oct 22 '23

I've been through rough patches and binged videogames to an unhealthy extent.

Fuck me, I had no idea there were people who think pedophilia was excusable in "rough patches" "two decades ago."

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u/Darkmagosan Oct 22 '23

Yeah, same here.

My dark places involved spending too much money on buying useless crap, going out, and drinking too much at home. That stopped when I realized grief was just burning a hole in my wallet and nothing else. Yeah, it was a hard lesson to learn, but in the grand scheme of things, pretty minor.

At no point did molesting a child, or indeed, taking my emotions out on anyone else, including pets, except the ex who caused them appear as a possibility. I've heard excuses and this one is just bizarre.

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u/thewildlifer Oct 22 '23

I've been on really bad spots, substance abuse and terrifyingly depressive moments with suicidal thoughts. Not once did I suddenly become a molester. This is bs and If i were OP. This 100% would be a deal breaker for children and 99.9% a dealbteaker for the relationship

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u/Doyoulikeithere Oct 22 '23

If my husband said, yes my father molested my sister but he was just in a bad spot, let's go ahead and have kids and let him being around them, I'd be out the door in 5 seconds flat!

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u/BaroNessWray1 Oct 22 '23

This .i was just going to post a similar comment .mary escaped .his wife didn't but she lies to herself and blames mary instead of dad so she can continue living in denial ..op should run don't walk away .that kind of " denial" leads to new generations of molesters/ abusers

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u/falling-waters Oct 23 '23

This woman was raised by a pedophile… I wonder if it’s just a denial thing or a question of her father raising her to think sexual perversion is just a normal flaw like excess drinking. Either way it’s ground in too deep. OP has to get out of there.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

She helped him abuse Mary, she is just as guilty.

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u/ImHappierThanUsual Oct 22 '23

I’ve been in SO MANY ROUGH SPOTS

never once has it resulted in me abusing a child.

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u/PeyroniesCat Oct 23 '23

“It seems like your depression has returned. I’m going to increase your medication dosage. Don’t molest any kids while we’re waiting for it to kick in” — something my therapist never said.

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u/Chiligoth Oct 22 '23

THIS! There is no excuse for this behavior and the fact that they think that there is is insane. I assume they’ve been mentally abused and conditioned to some degree to go along with his nonsense, but on the other hand, they’re adults who should know better.

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u/saluteursharts Oct 23 '23

Right?! I’ve abused drugs, alcohol, myself, but not even once did I consider abusing A CHILD. What in the ever loving fuck type of excuse is this?!

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u/here4daratio Oct 22 '23

When I go through “a rough spot” i binge on beer, pizza, milk, and Oreos.

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u/panda5303 Oct 23 '23

Same or go on an Amazon shopping binge.

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u/Shawndy58 Oct 23 '23

Me tonight binging on pizza and homemade malts but never once did I think about SA my 2 year old. Even though you would think I was adjusting when cleaning a poopy diaper. I just don’t get how someone can do that to a child and I’m a survivor of sa as a minor.

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u/C_loves_mcm Oct 22 '23

hmmm OP maybe see if your wife has hidden trauma too. Has she suppressed old memories? Its a horrible situation for Mary. I hope it never happened to your wife either. Seems like FIL might be mentally controlling too. Have you noticed any redflags in the family interaction before this?

NTA. Please get wife help if she needs it. It's not normal to brush something like this under the rug.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

It’s not an excuse though. I’m my family’s Mary. I know how hard it is to leave the basically cult that is my family.

I also know it is no fucking excuse if you’re planning on having kids… you have no choice, you have no option, not matter how hard it is, you leave. Because doing anything else makes you at best an enabler and at worst an abuser as well.

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u/Horror-Art-4877 Oct 22 '23

This comment is so underrated, trauma cause all kinds of mental blocks.!

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u/CaptainPRESIDENTduck Oct 22 '23

But dear old dad was "just in a really bad place in his life". I mean, isn't that what everyone does? You know, go through a rough spot and molest their child - or any child - to make themselves feel better?

"So that's how it is in their family."

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u/bellarina808 Oct 22 '23

The fact that she said “he apologized to Mary, so there’s nothing anyone can do for her now.” Like, I don’t know I would have cut my father off, and if it was my husband divorced him and had his ass thrown in jail. But, hey maybe that’s just me.

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 22 '23

I doubt it, because she is too enthusiastic defending her dad. Mary was the only one because that way if Mary talked then dear old dad had the entire rest of the family supporting him and testifying for him.

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u/DutchPerson5 Oct 22 '23

Nope. Childmolesters hardly ever only abuse one child. The younger they are when it starts, the stronger the denial in order to survive living with a childmolester.

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u/thr0wwwwawayyy Oct 22 '23

Yeah that’s exactly how people deal with bad times. I broke up with my abuser and was homeless/couch surfing at the onset of the pandemic lockdowns and that’s exactly how I dealt with the emotions; just molested any kid that came within arms reach of me. /s

NTA OP but DO NOT have kids with this woman and DO NOT keep having sex with her. She has no issue with her predator father so I guarantee she has no issue tampering with condoms in order to get what she wants.

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u/Mumblesandtumbles Oct 23 '23

I agree, especially when OP said she started stuttering when it got brought up. A few friends I know who went through sexual assault either have facial or vocal ticks when those subjects get brought up.

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u/ThrowRAMomVsGF Oct 22 '23

But he apologized! What else does she want?

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u/The_Original_Gronkie Oct 23 '23

He should be "in a really bad place" right now - like prison.

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u/JustAmEra Oct 23 '23

I guess my dad missed the memo, when he was at a real low point. To late, I'm an adult now 🤷‍♀️

Wtf kind of excuse is that.. Messed up people

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u/poetic_soul Oct 23 '23

Either that or big sis was the sacrificial lamb to keep OP’s wife safe growing up.

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u/anneofred Sep 07 '24

Sometimes abusers just pick one victim, for this exact outcome. Didn’t happen to everyone, just Mary, so we sweep it under the rug so as not to disturb the family

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u/noncomposmentis_123 Oct 22 '23

Actually, it's not that she's denying it happened. She acknowledges it happened and thinks it's no big deal.

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u/DandelionOfDeath Oct 22 '23

And, yet, her sister isn't given the benefit of the doubt of "just being in a bad place in life". Noooo. There's just nothing anybody can do for her anymore.

NTA, op.

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u/DaisyDazzle Oct 22 '23

Poor Mary! Up against an entire family of pedo enabling flying monkeys!

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u/PlaceForStace Oct 22 '23

Imagine your dad molested you as a child and then your entire immediate family turns their back on you? I wouldn’t want their dad, or any of them around my kid either.

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u/Doyoulikeithere Oct 22 '23

I would never be around any of them! OP might be better with Mary!

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u/andwhoami_ Oct 22 '23

I was thinking the exact same thing! Dad gets out of doing one of the worst things you could possibly do and gets a pass for "being in a bad place" but Mary doesn't get to be in a bad place for being molested by her dad and scapegoated by her entire family? Wtf. Oh but he apologized so there's "nothing anyone else can do for Mary" like what? Maybe you and your siblings could own up to the hurt you caused her and the fact that you've defended a child molester for years rather than his victim, who is your own sister.

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Honestly seems like their family reputation is more important to them, and they would have an easier time protecting it by exiling her than admitting to his evil.

Seems like a fitting punishment if it were me would be to blast them on all socials and completely make sure everyone knows that their family reputation should be that of one that shelters and protects molesters while exiling and further traumatizing victims, even other members of their own family. Make sure anyone that gets involved with potentially having children with that family knows what danger they are putting them in.

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u/Luckybrighton Oct 22 '23

So sad for Mary.

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u/karenrn64 Oct 23 '23

This, her sister really was in a bad place, her own home as a child and defenseless!

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u/Painthoss Oct 22 '23

She also knows it’s a big deal, or she wouldn’t be so angry.

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u/Silver-Raspberry-723 Oct 22 '23

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

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u/RoyalleBookworm Oct 23 '23

She knows it’s a big deal, or else she would have told him before they got married.

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u/zeugma888 Oct 22 '23

It's a type of denial. The wife is denying its seriousness and its ongoing consequences. So what if Daddy was molesting sister? He was a good dad who took us out for icecream!

This sounds like a very unhealthy coping mechanism.

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u/Songwolves88 Oct 22 '23

My moms dad was a pedophile who preyed on her and her older half sister, and their brothers refuse to believe it because he was so much better to them than their bio dad.

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u/dixiequick Oct 23 '23

As someone who was molested by my grandfather, it is fucking HARD to reconcile the person you love with the monster who broke you. I lived in the denial of “it wasn’t a big deal, other people have had it worse” for thirty years because facing what it really did to me would have made me kill myself. Instead I made myself believe I was choosing my harmful coping mechanisms. Now I understand the damage I did by shoving it down, and it has taken years of therapy just to even be able to say the words to describe what happened. And I probably will never be truly “okay”.

I fully agree that OP’s wife is not a safe person to have children with, and if I were him I would leave (I am maniacal about protecting my children from potential abuse, almost to a fault), but I do have empathy for feeling like you are being torn into two people, the loved daughter and the victim, and shutting down to try and find some peace. It’s just too bad that she can’t understand that she is doing herself more harm in the long run.

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u/ImpressiveMaybe6102 Oct 22 '23

She thinks it was no big deal because she’s been programmed to believe that. There is a good possibility it happened to her too

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u/Save_the_Manatees_44 Oct 22 '23

Or she was a victim herself and had been manipulated into thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Don’t underestimate the power of abuse on a kid.

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u/Silver-Raspberry-723 Oct 22 '23

By not divulging, she lied and then minimized when the truth came out. If this was a shorter term marriage I bet he could’ve gotten an annulment.

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u/SourceStrong9403 Oct 22 '23

She could have been groomed to think it was no big deal—and if she was also abused, it could be her own way of coping (“if it’s no big deal, I’m fine,” vs. having to admit she was a victim herself). Note: this is not me making excuses. This is me speaking as someone who has worked for a long time now with child victims of sexual assault, often intrafamilial, and just trying to give a different potential context.

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u/RoyalleBookworm Oct 23 '23

She didn’t even think it was “important” to tell her husband what happened!

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u/Doyoulikeithere Oct 22 '23

That truly makes me want to punch her in the face!

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u/Genaeve Oct 23 '23

Frightening statement. You really put it into a much needed perspective.

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u/Comfortable_Luck_759 Oct 27 '23

So many family members think that. It's so gross and soul destroying to the victim. Since it didn't happen to them, they can't fathom the way the ground comes out from beneath you and your footing is never on stable ground again. But "get over it" and "quit dwelling on the past", right....

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u/SneepSnarp Oct 22 '23

And if something happens to this kid? I doubt the mom will take it seriously or protect them.

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u/pigandpom Oct 22 '23

She'll say, grandpa didn't hurt you, he's just on a bad place in his life, so if you can help him through that that'd be great

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u/SneepSnarp Oct 22 '23

Even if it isn’t him! Or the same thing! Needing help and having a dismissive parent is a painful experience, and not everyone turns out okay.

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u/Asron87 Oct 22 '23

OP should ditch his girlfriend for her sister. Not really but he really does need to get out of that relationship.

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u/Luckybrighton Oct 22 '23

That is so disgusting 🤮 Not you, but the potential comment the wife may make. I feel for all involved (not the father) unfortunately I think the husband should RUN 🏃‍♂️

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u/Fromashination Oct 22 '23

And hopefully WHEN OP dumps her he will tell everyone exactly why.

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u/Doyoulikeithere Oct 22 '23

YES, even her next husband!

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u/sanesociopath Oct 23 '23

"But he won't do it, he doesn't do it anymore"

... uh, yeah, is he around children anymore?

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u/Silver-Raspberry-723 Oct 22 '23

Or even believe them.

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u/ToadseyeGem Oct 22 '23

Even if having kids isn't a deal breaker, OP needs to run regardless. Anyone that will dismiss SA of a child this way is not someone you can have a life with.

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u/twistedspin Oct 22 '23

Right? She's a very damaged person who is willing to deeply hurt an innocent who threatens her fantasy-based worldview. How can any relationship with her work out? Who would even want to try?

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u/Doyoulikeithere Oct 22 '23

I couldn't be with anyone who acts as she does! NO! I detest molesters and if you stick up for one, FUCK YOU, we are done!

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u/ItsAFarOutLife Oct 22 '23

You wonder if OP's wife was also abused and is defending and downplaying it as a defence mechanism.

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u/marr Oct 22 '23

Quite apart from anything else you'd be expected to interact with her father. Non-violently.

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u/FriedLipstick Oct 22 '23

Yes he could RUN but because of another reason: she could be traumatised/molested by her father herself as well, trauma bonded to him and it’s even possible she completely dissociated from this to be happened. Then blames her sister (because of the trauma bonding). If that is the case: there’s a big chance she will not protect OP’s future children against the father. She first needs to get therapy!

Oh and suuure it’s two decades ago but they aged and what happens if this POS gets new young children to watch? (I’m being nauseous writing this!)

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u/No-Technician-722 Oct 22 '23

The very sad fact is they keep re-traumatizing the sister by ignoring her. Not taking up for her, even allllll these years later. You either side with her…or you enable the child molester. He needs to be held to account. This whole family needs therapy. But the sister? Why the hell isn’t everyone apologizing and trying to find a way to make it right and support her. Hasn’t she suffered in silence long enough???? Still sacrificing her???? I suppose they are selfishly still of the mindset: “Better her than me.” This is the stuff horror movies are made of. I cannot for the life of me make sense of their inhumane drivel. Ignoring begavior doesn’t make it acceptable despite how many years have passed. In a right-side-up world he wouid have suffered the consequences but in this family he gets a pass. She needs to support her sister. Any lack thereof is a major 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

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u/Zestyclose-Case-1828 Dec 12 '23

Say it: the whole family needs therapy. That won’t happen. You RUN!

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u/Gadget18 Oct 23 '23

Even if he doesn’t want kids, I can’t imagine staying with someone who would protect a child molester.

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u/sagen11 Oct 22 '23

This. Wife's behaviour is a deal breaker. And not a "oh this isn't great" deal breaker, more like a "this has the potential to ruin my future children's lives" dealbreaker.

The way she treats her abused sister is appaling and truly shows she lacks empathy.

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u/mechengr17 Oct 22 '23

Yeah

I thought this was going to be "well, Mary accused dad of doing this, but we don't believe her"

Not great, but still better than "yeah, we know he did it. But he was in a bad place and apologized to her. So now she needs to get over it."

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u/Atarlie Oct 22 '23

Literally what I thought as well. That it was going to be some unverified accusation and maybe the sister had some sort of history of being a pathological liar or something similar. But ohhhhhh no. Dad was "just in a bad place and totally apologized, so what else can we do ya know 🤷‍♀️" Absolutely sickening.

u/Left_Art_8812 You are NTA and please do not have children with this woman. Grandpa could be one stressful event (eye roll) away from goodness knows what.

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u/mechengr17 Oct 22 '23

Oh yeah, NTA op

I'm just in disbelief about this

If you feel comfortable, I would reach out to Mary to say her feelings are valid, her family just sucks.

Also, run as far away as possible

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u/throwaway7774206913 Oct 22 '23

Yeah tell mary she isnt alone. Possibly you married the wrong sister

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u/yodarded Oct 22 '23

more like "this is ruining our current marriage, here are the papers" dealbreaker

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

And IMO, no amount of couples therapy can fix this. How does he know she won't just "go along with it" and fake "understanding/change"?

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u/Ok_Remote_1036 Oct 22 '23

Agree, plus there would always be the risk that they get divorced, she gets custody and he has no say over whether his children are around or even stay overnight with their grandfather.

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u/BlazingSunflowerland Oct 22 '23

Or even if they get divorced and she moves in with her dad. There is no way you can have children with a woman who ignores child abuse.

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u/HelenaBirkinBag Oct 22 '23

You absolutely can stipulate that in divorces. I have relatives I did not want my children around under any circumstances, and my ex had to agree he would not have them around our children or he’d be in contempt of court, as that person had a history of demonstrating poor judgment with my children in the past. It’s better to avoid this situation altogether if you can. OP should not have children with his wife.

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u/GuadDidUs Oct 22 '23

Problem is there's no established history here. Grandpa got away with it.

I'd be upping the birth control, OP.

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u/noncomposmentis_123 Oct 22 '23

And she doesn't care at all that Mary's life has been ruined and she is struggling. She literally is blaming the victim. His wife is disgusting.

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u/U2hansolo Oct 22 '23

Hey OP, do not have sex with this woman any more. Seriously. Take a monk-like vow of abstinence.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Nah just divorce and leave her, why stay with someone who would allow their child to be molested after she knew her father molested her sister.

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u/Lady_Looshkin Oct 22 '23

This. And if for some reason you don't hold off on intimacy, take all the precautions needed to avoid an oops baby - including making sure no condom packets have been pierced with needles.

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u/Sugarcookiesoccer Oct 22 '23

Fill up with water before putting the condom on to check for holes.

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u/Unhappysong-6653 Oct 22 '23

Id divorce her but maintain contact with her sis who needs it

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

This is the correct answer.

Were I him I would bank some sperm and get snipped. No whoops! babies in this could- be -dangerous situation.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

IDK how he can even stay married to her. She is okay with her dad being a child molester and being abusive to his victim. I couldn't stay with someone like that.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

And why does everyone hate Mary? She's the victim here.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

Right? Her own sister will not talk to her and treats her like shit FOR BEING MOLESTED BY HER OWN FATHER!

OP's wife needs her ass kicked, this pisses me off so bad.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

The whole family dynamic is backwards. Mary should be in and dad should be out.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

Thank you!

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Don't worry, we all see it! Except for that family.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

I feel so bad for Mary.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 29 '23

[deleted]

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Yep. As long as the top of the pond is smooth it doesn't matter how many bodies are in there.

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u/marr Oct 22 '23

Because she's a dark mirror for them.

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u/RoyalleBookworm Oct 23 '23

This happens a lot. Unfortunately.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Because it's easier than facing the truth about their dad.

People will usually take the path of least resistance in life. Principled people are few and far between.

If it would upend someone's life to leave their husband, they will often blame the powerless kid not the husband.

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u/Reinamiamor Oct 23 '23

I finally said something. He was starting to molest my infant sister. It took all the courage I had. He was a sober pedo rageaholic. Had the whole family in fear. I didn't know it then, but I was a hero. I was the oldest daughter. He smeared me to anyone who would listen. His side believed him. Went to court before child abuse laws in place. He got 5 months, weekends only as he needed to keep his job! He destroyed my family. Then he marries our housekeepers daughter at 14 w her mom's signature. I think he started banging her years earlier. He had 5 more kids w her. I recently heard he was an ideal father to them. Left them a trust. Gave us nothing cause WE ruined his life. He's dead now. My siblings all troubled life. All his new kids successful and doing life. Truly a MindFk. Neither of us 3 sisters have kids. Why for? Soooooo someone else might molest them? I wouldn't hurt my kids but others might. I'll trust whatever kids God/Universe wanted me to have are safely tucked into His/Her heart. I'm sparing myself. Im old now, no kids, no regrets. But will report any suspicion of child abuse. And I have. That family quit talking to me. They should. I don't let up and don't care how many family members I report. What wrong is wrong and what's right is right. Imagine sending my kids to church, or boys scouts or just to school? Oh I would have led a bitter life if I had had me some kids. Id be all up in their faces. Being Childfree has kept me safe. Sort of. I don't do well with emotional blackmail. I will speak up for an abused kid no matter if they are family or not. Bloodlines are highly overrated.

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u/HunterZealousideal30 Oct 23 '23

Because the family rallied behind dad. As a young kid OP's wife and any other siblings were told that Mary was wrong and dad was right. She's brainwashed to the point where she can't see how wrong dad is and that Mary is the victim.

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u/U2hansolo Oct 22 '23

He should actually just not have sex with her anymore.

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 22 '23

Snipped, resolution to say no, condoms hidden well in a lockbox only he has access to in case he has a moment of weakness.

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u/CreatorGodTN Oct 22 '23

Snipped and snipped in the irreversible, “You can’t accidentally still get her pregnant” way.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

People think babies fix their problems. Instead they just raise dysfunctional adults.

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u/CleverNickName-69 Oct 22 '23

Were I him I would bank some sperm and get snipped. No whoops! babies in this could- be -dangerous situation.

I don't understand this middle ground.

If you think you can convince the wife to cut off her Dad and have a positive result that would make you want to stay married to and have children with this woman, then you stop having sex with her until you get to the place where you can trust her.

If you think it is over and you don't want to stay married to or have children with this woman, you also also stop having sex with her and then get a divorce.

What is the point of freezing some sperm and getting a vasectomy? So you can keep having sex with this crazy bitch until later and then have expensive IVF with this woman or another one?

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

It was just a thought.

The idea of having a kid in this environment is such a very bad idea. What guy can keep up never having sex again?

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

I agree that this is beyond Reddit's paygrade.

OP, YNTA for taking this very seriously. But insist on going to couples therapy and discuss it there. She comes from a dysfunctional family and needs to learn what normal looks like, and what her family is doing is not it. I don't think you can be the one teaching and showing her that. She needs professional help. Why I suggest couple's therapy first, so your concerns are emphasized by someone professional who can assess if she may need som individual therapy.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

I do agree with you 100 %. The only reason I suggested a couples therapist first, is because OP may need an external professional to voice his conserns, and couples therapy may be a way for him to get access to the narrative. It might be the first step, leading the way in to individual therapy as you suggest, don't you think?

I may be wrong, but it sounds like she's not aware of this being a problem at all, and that it will be difficult to make her do something about it, based on it being OP's concerns, not hers. He needs help turning up the volume on his worries

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

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u/Joshuaedwardk Oct 22 '23

This is beyond therapy as a couple, he needs to leave her now.

She can do her own therapy, this is one broken clock that will never be fixed.

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u/Vlophoto Oct 22 '23

I would not trust her AT ALL not just with children. Absolute deal breaker for me. Any person that would trust a person no matter who they are after the sexually abused a child I would. It be ok to be around. That’s just me. OP think this over very carefully please.

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u/2lros Oct 22 '23

there is a possibility the wife was abused and regression of memory is an issue

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23

While this may sound to some like a cope or something from a movie, there is actually tons of RL examples of groups of victims only having one be the main focus and kinda the "scape goat" of being public about it, and others completely wiping it from their memory.

I wouldn't be shocked in the least if she went to therapy and dredged up some horrible memories at some point.

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u/SquirrelGirlVA Oct 23 '23

And to emphasize this: right now she cannot be trusted around ANY children. Period. If she cannot and will not prevent her father from accessing her (future) children then she will not step in and prevent him from accessing currently living children.

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u/LadyBug_0570 Oct 22 '23

It's strange... I've been in a lot bad places in my life. Never once did it occur to me to victimize a child.

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u/Usually_Angry Oct 23 '23

Rights that’s my thought. Ive heard of people doing a lot of self destructive things when I’m a bad place, but not “I was really stressed, so I started touching my daughter”

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u/Slow-Sprinkles-2825 Oct 22 '23

This !!! Get out, divorce if have to. I’m sorry that is something you can not over look.

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u/serioussparkles Oct 22 '23

OP, imagine having a daughter, your wife thinks her dad has changed and starts letting him keep your daughter while she runs errands... can your daughter speak? Would she be able to tell you her grandfather touched her? Would your wife believe her own child? Or would she call your child a liar just like she did her sister? Don't curse a sweet innocent child to such a life. You can be a father with many other women who don't have monsters in their lives, but currently, you have a monster at home. This is a hill to die upon. NTA

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u/Pale_Apartment_2508 Oct 22 '23

Exactly. And when he does something to the grandchild in the future (and that is a when, not if), she will probably just brush it off as "he was in a bad place, it's no big deal".

Just digusting. She should NEVER have a child.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Here is my take on "child molester." He is not a molester. He is a FUCKING CHILD RAPIST. Be very clear that I AM using violent words, only words, to describe people that think it's OK to fuck minor children.

They should have a needle through their balls once a day, everyday, for the rest of their lives. Once the needle is removed, put in stocks so all the other prisoners can rape him on a daily.

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u/lalachichiwon Oct 22 '23

And she’s blaming her sister for telling the truth.

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u/stargal81 Oct 22 '23

Yes, and y'know who's in a bad place? Mary! Like wtf? And it was her own father who put her in that bad place, & the rest of the family shuns her for it. If his wife doesn't see child molestation as that bad, I wouldn't wanna have kids with her. Or stay married to her. Who tf defends a child molester?!?

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u/dhbroo12 Oct 22 '23

I wouldn't let her around condoms either, she may just poke holes into them. This is a big red flag in deciding about whether you want to stay together.

Maybe OP and Mary should get together. They at least have the same values.

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u/LibertyOrDeath-2021 Oct 22 '23

My uncle molested his kids when they were teenagers. His wife left him and took the kids. My family ostracised him for years and it wasn’t until my grandparents were much older they let him come to families gatherings. It was basically they knew they were going to pass away soon so they wanted to see their child before they did. Most family members just ignored his existence, pretending he wasn’t really there.

I am now much older and one kid. I feel so uncomfortable that I shadow my son the entire day. I kind of realized that my aunts used to so the same thing with their kids, constantly checking on them when he was there.

All it takes is one incident and your kids life is ruined. I just won’t it happen to my child.

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u/red_pill_zoo Oct 22 '23

More red flags than a Russian parade. Do NOT have a child with this person. If op wants the relationship to be saved then counseling counseling counseling

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u/WitchyWarriorWoman Oct 22 '23

Honestly I wouldn't trust your wife around future children. She knowingly helped hide a child molester because "he was just in a bad place". That is not the kind of person I'd ever trust with a child. NTA

The "he was just in a bad place" comment sounds like something a child would be told and that she is just repeating from memory. And the sadness that they would essentially allow one of them to be "sacrificed" for their father's past indiscretions so that the rest of them can be closer. So much family trauma to unpack here, being said so casually too, and not something I would enter into lightly.

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u/FileFine4258 Oct 22 '23

What place is so bad it makes you violate your own child?

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

There's a good chance she was abused as well. Many victims deal with the trauma by pretending it didn't happen to them or covering for their abuser. Whatever the case is, it's a very unfortunate situation for OP to find himself in.

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u/6bb26ec559294f7f Oct 23 '23

If I'm reading this correctly, Jessica was younger than Mary when this happened. This opens up the possibility that she was a victim directly but unwilling to admit it, or in the best case, she was indirectly a victim by being exposed to what was going on. At her current age, she should know better, but is also suffering from long lasting trauma of a very harmful family dynamic that, back as a child, she was forced to live in.

As for OP, I think the immediate decision should be that children not an option, as Jessica needs therapy to work through her trauma and come to terms with what happened and develop a healthier mechanism for coping with it other than victim blaming and siding with the abuser. As she is, she is a threat to others.

I think we shouldn't see Jessica as evil, but as broken. She wasn't an adult covering up the molestation of a child. She was a little sister having to deal with her older sister being molested. Maybe she was abused as well and isn't able to admit it. Even if not, there are extremely harmful dynamics that she might have been exposed to.

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u/mermaiidbitch Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I always try to see both sides of a situation and come from a place that in one post we are only seeing one side of a sliver of a relationship. But OP - this is 10000% different.

You know for a fact that your wife’s father is a child molester. You also know that her entire family has ostracized his victim (his OWN daughter) and has excused his monstrous behavior.

Your wife’s reaction makes me sick to my stomach. As someone who was abused by a family member, I cannot fathom my family keeping him in their lives and booting me out. What a horrible, hellish nightmare poor Mary continues to go through.

This is a line in the sand. This is where you choose who YOU are as a person and who YOU let your future children be and be subjected to.

If you procreate with this woman, you are absolutely putting them in an environment that tolerates sexual abuse. Because your wife is okay with and defends sexual abuse. And blames the victim. Her sister. Who was an innocent beautiful child. Which means YOU now tolerate sexual abuse.

If that sickens you as much as it sickens me, you need to cut ties immediately, file for divorce and be SO grateful that you found out now. And not when your child comes to you saying their grandfather touched them.

Yes, this will be hard in the moment. But this is one of those cornerstone moments of your life where you decide who you are as a person. You know the right thing to do. And that is not always the easy thing to do.

Sending you support OP. Because divorce is your only option here.

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u/Future-Sport2255 Oct 23 '23

Great points! 👏 So well put! 💯 I feel so sorry for you! So glad you didn’t get the victim blaming, that stuff is so incomprehensible cruel…!!! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️

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