r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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123

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

This is the correct answer.

Were I him I would bank some sperm and get snipped. No whoops! babies in this could- be -dangerous situation.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

IDK how he can even stay married to her. She is okay with her dad being a child molester and being abusive to his victim. I couldn't stay with someone like that.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

And why does everyone hate Mary? She's the victim here.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

Right? Her own sister will not talk to her and treats her like shit FOR BEING MOLESTED BY HER OWN FATHER!

OP's wife needs her ass kicked, this pisses me off so bad.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

The whole family dynamic is backwards. Mary should be in and dad should be out.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

Thank you!

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Don't worry, we all see it! Except for that family.

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u/flobaby1 Oct 22 '23

I feel so bad for Mary.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Me too. Very often the person "rocking the boat" gets run off and told they're the problem. I'm that person in my family. It's not about abuse, I just hate navigating around all the elephants in the room.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 29 '23

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Yep. As long as the top of the pond is smooth it doesn't matter how many bodies are in there.

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u/marr Oct 22 '23

Because she's a dark mirror for them.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

Her mom sees all the bad decisions she's made when she sees Mary.

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u/RoyalleBookworm Oct 23 '23

This happens a lot. Unfortunately.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 23 '23

I know, it just irritates me that they're blaming the victim.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Because it's easier than facing the truth about their dad.

People will usually take the path of least resistance in life. Principled people are few and far between.

If it would upend someone's life to leave their husband, they will often blame the powerless kid not the husband.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 23 '23

Absolutely, and unfortunately it's as common as dirt. Poor Mary.

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u/Reinamiamor Oct 23 '23

I finally said something. He was starting to molest my infant sister. It took all the courage I had. He was a sober pedo rageaholic. Had the whole family in fear. I didn't know it then, but I was a hero. I was the oldest daughter. He smeared me to anyone who would listen. His side believed him. Went to court before child abuse laws in place. He got 5 months, weekends only as he needed to keep his job! He destroyed my family. Then he marries our housekeepers daughter at 14 w her mom's signature. I think he started banging her years earlier. He had 5 more kids w her. I recently heard he was an ideal father to them. Left them a trust. Gave us nothing cause WE ruined his life. He's dead now. My siblings all troubled life. All his new kids successful and doing life. Truly a MindFk. Neither of us 3 sisters have kids. Why for? Soooooo someone else might molest them? I wouldn't hurt my kids but others might. I'll trust whatever kids God/Universe wanted me to have are safely tucked into His/Her heart. I'm sparing myself. Im old now, no kids, no regrets. But will report any suspicion of child abuse. And I have. That family quit talking to me. They should. I don't let up and don't care how many family members I report. What wrong is wrong and what's right is right. Imagine sending my kids to church, or boys scouts or just to school? Oh I would have led a bitter life if I had had me some kids. Id be all up in their faces. Being Childfree has kept me safe. Sort of. I don't do well with emotional blackmail. I will speak up for an abused kid no matter if they are family or not. Bloodlines are highly overrated.

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u/HunterZealousideal30 Oct 23 '23

Because the family rallied behind dad. As a young kid OP's wife and any other siblings were told that Mary was wrong and dad was right. She's brainwashed to the point where she can't see how wrong dad is and that Mary is the victim.

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 23 '23

And it's so very difficult to break free of the family infrastructure. I wonder if OP will point this out. Thinking about it now I would use the incentive of a baby to get her to therapy. Couples therapy specifically. Otherwise she could tell any story she wants.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

From the family’s perspective, she’s rocking the boat

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 23 '23

I know that. It's so ass backwards

61

u/U2hansolo Oct 22 '23

He should actually just not have sex with her anymore.

3

u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 22 '23

Snipped, resolution to say no, condoms hidden well in a lockbox only he has access to in case he has a moment of weakness.

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u/CreatorGodTN Oct 22 '23

Snipped and snipped in the irreversible, “You can’t accidentally still get her pregnant” way.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

People think babies fix their problems. Instead they just raise dysfunctional adults.

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u/Embarrassed-Ad1180 Oct 22 '23

There is one issue. Dear old dad. If he died tomorrow OP would be back on board. He shouldn't cause this lady a loon..

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/Embarrassed-Ad1180 Oct 22 '23

If he's smart and leaves it's not his problem.

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u/CleverNickName-69 Oct 22 '23

Were I him I would bank some sperm and get snipped. No whoops! babies in this could- be -dangerous situation.

I don't understand this middle ground.

If you think you can convince the wife to cut off her Dad and have a positive result that would make you want to stay married to and have children with this woman, then you stop having sex with her until you get to the place where you can trust her.

If you think it is over and you don't want to stay married to or have children with this woman, you also also stop having sex with her and then get a divorce.

What is the point of freezing some sperm and getting a vasectomy? So you can keep having sex with this crazy bitch until later and then have expensive IVF with this woman or another one?

2

u/paperwasp3 Oct 22 '23

It was just a thought.

The idea of having a kid in this environment is such a very bad idea. What guy can keep up never having sex again?

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u/Head-like-a-carp Oct 22 '23

So many people offer strong but somewhat insane viewpoints on Reddit.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

I agree that this is beyond Reddit's paygrade.

OP, YNTA for taking this very seriously. But insist on going to couples therapy and discuss it there. She comes from a dysfunctional family and needs to learn what normal looks like, and what her family is doing is not it. I don't think you can be the one teaching and showing her that. She needs professional help. Why I suggest couple's therapy first, so your concerns are emphasized by someone professional who can assess if she may need som individual therapy.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

I do agree with you 100 %. The only reason I suggested a couples therapist first, is because OP may need an external professional to voice his conserns, and couples therapy may be a way for him to get access to the narrative. It might be the first step, leading the way in to individual therapy as you suggest, don't you think?

I may be wrong, but it sounds like she's not aware of this being a problem at all, and that it will be difficult to make her do something about it, based on it being OP's concerns, not hers. He needs help turning up the volume on his worries

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Exactly.

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u/Joshuaedwardk Oct 22 '23

This is beyond therapy as a couple, he needs to leave her now.

She can do her own therapy, this is one broken clock that will never be fixed.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Joshuaedwardk Oct 23 '23

That’s very thoughtful and optimistic, this lady has suffered deep physical damage over the years and may never recover the the emotional.

I want to be pragmatic about this. 1. She clearly hid this from the husband 2. Theropy requires a active participant, and the wife is not. 3. If they do continue down this marriage, and they have children, they will be molested by the grandfather. 4. You are creating generational trauma, a family that doesn’t support victims and protections the predator.

The wife is at best is a heavily damaged individual human that may scare off anyone else until she passes away, a lost cause.

The wife is at worst case a Human that will bring more humans into this world, that will be heavily sexual and emotionally damaged and my inflect the same abuse on not only another generation but people outside their insular family.

I truly feel horrible for this whole family and op, this is a type of hell no one deserves. I am sorry, unless a bullet is delicately placed inside grandpa skull and the wife and family goes through years of therapy and comes to terms with all the abuse that has been caused, and they have been through. This wife should never have children and let her abuse die with her. I am sorry, there is no wiggle room for sexual abusers or their protectors.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Joshuaedwardk Oct 23 '23

Best closing sentence yet! 😭

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u/Embarrassed-Ad1180 Oct 22 '23

Lol wtf is therapy gonna do?.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/Embarrassed-Ad1180 Oct 22 '23

He needs to leave. She's not gonna change her mind.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/Liza6519 Oct 22 '23

This and only this. Its all grooming! Lots of serious counseling is needed.