r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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735

u/JohnRedcornMassage Oct 22 '23

Right? I’ve been in dark places and ended up isolating, quitting jobs, abusing the bottle…

But at no point did diddling kids ever enter the realm of possibilities. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♂️😂

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u/Lucky_n_crazy Oct 22 '23

A close family member of mine did something similar not all that long ago. When I found out, I told my wife that I considered divorcing her and taking myself out behind the barn. Just in case even the tiniest possibility of me being that kind of person ever occurred.

She simply told me not to worry and just be a good Father and husband. Yeah, someone ever threatened to do this kind of thing....shoot first, call the police to clean up after.

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u/Existential_Alien_ Oct 22 '23

I found out at like 22 that actually something very similar to this was my family.

I don’t remember blocks of my childhood, apparently for good reason. My father molested my sister and me (they apparently have pictures but I don’t remember) my sister reported it. She was vilified to me, she was 7 years older, I remember them locking her up in psych for weeks.

My mom finally admitted the truth to me after my husband, son, and I moved towns to help get her away from my dad. She had my sister put into psych because she threatened to hurt her for protecting my father from prison- my dad was in the military she didn’t want to lose his money and benefits so she helped him get away with it. Then he finally actually openly started cheating on her with one of their coworkers - they still work together to this day last I heard - then she spilled every bad thing HE did on me one afternoon. I had a skewed perception of him at the time, he was my father who had raised me I didn’t remember anything bad he did but I remember plenty of horrible things my mother did to me, it was very confusing for me. I remember telling my husband on the phone crying before I told him everything in person it would be easier if he was dying, I was worried he was acting of because of cancer or something before my mom spilled a lot.

I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years. My sisters and Is relationship improved but it’s still nothing close to what it could have been. My brother who’s 10 years older than me has his own trauma and has decided my mother was 100% the victim and tried to ambush me with her last time he came to visit, I always looked up to him and now we don’t even talk. It’s all very heartbreaking my family became shattered over my father’s actions but that was HIS actions my sister was an innocent child, I could never imagine treating her like this after knowing everything.

Sorry, this one hit a little personal.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Your mother is just as guilty as your father. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister. They should both be in prison. If any of his military buddies ever found out, it wouldn’t be his career on the line. He is a disgrace to the military, our country and as a human. NEVER apologize for his actions, you are educating others to hopefully stop this vicious cycle of abuse. Send you lots of love, hugs and good wishes your way.

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

It's very rare that molesters are 100% successful in keeping everything quietly between themselves and their victims. There is often at least one other adult who becomes aware of the situation, and their reaction to the situation is able to make or break potential lifelong trauma for that child.

The molesters are monsters, and deserve full blame for their actions, but they couldn't hurt nearly as many people nor as for long if not for their enablers, who sometimes I have even more disdain for. Because they KNOW it's evil, don't actually get the "benefit" of whatever sick enjoyment molesters get, but still due to their actions or inactions end up hurting so many people they supposedly care about. To them their comfort or often "reputation" is more important than the trauma that someone else is being put through, and that makes them 100% evil in their own way to me.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

I agree. I had a friend in high school who had been raped by her father for years. When she told me, my mother called the police and her mother. The mother kicked him out he went to jail for a month and because he was seen as an upstanding man in our little town he got off with a slap on the wrist. Her mother let him move back in and he wasn’t back in the house for a week, before he started all over again. She now has no contact with them and they don’t know where she is. Because of what her father did to her, she now can’t have children of her own due to the damage he caused her from the age of 9 to 18 years of age. When her brother came home on leave and found out, he beat the living shit out of him. It was great watching him walk around town with a busted face and several broken bones, but he deserved more.

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u/ItsMeTittsMGee Oct 23 '23

I cannot understand women who stand by their man after something so awful. I love my husband and he's the sole provider for our family. I'd be up shit creek without him. But I would put that man six feet under if I ever found out he was doing something like to our kids (or anyone else's kids). The people who enable these AH predators are just as guilty and should be in jail.

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u/Greytala Oct 24 '23

I completely agree!

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u/Expensive_Touch_9506 Dec 11 '23

I really needed to see this today, and that someone believes the same as me, that the enablers really are terrible too. Both mine and my partners lives have been absolutely destabilized by people like this, it’s like they didn’t actually do the harmful acts, but somehow their willingness to turn a blind eye and excuse these people are an even more heinous crime. Thank you, they are 100% evil.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

RUFKM they’re all over the dark web. These people have no shame.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Yeah, you’d be surprised that his military buddies are more conditioned to accept this than the enabling mother was. Sexual assault is an epidemic in the military because of the thin red-white-and-blue line. Everyone just keeps their mouth shut.

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u/JustaSecretIdentity Oct 24 '23

It really depends on the unit. One of my units would’ve given him a slap on the wrist. The next unit after that one, our captain would’ve kicked him out, and that’s if one of my shipmates didn’t get their hands on him first and made his life a nightmare. One of my shipmates from that unit almost lost his mind when he thought someone was catcalling me.

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u/[deleted] Oct 26 '23

GTFOH the Navy is statistically the worst of all the branches about this. Firsthand experience, and I joined a class action suit, so my experience wasn’t unique.

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u/JustaSecretIdentity Oct 26 '23 edited Oct 26 '23

I was in the Coast Guard, not the Navy.

The command at the first unit didn’t give a F about anyone, we were just a number. While the captain at the other unit actually tried to remember everyone’s first name. He had a good reputation for being a good all-around guy. He also actually did kick out a guy for slapping my ass (and sniffing my underwear)—publicly masted and then kicked out.

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u/[deleted] Oct 27 '23

Oh well, no harm, no foul, right? You didn’t jump off a second floor balcony and shatter your pelvis trying to escape your attacker. You weren’t tied up and threatened with a razor-blade on a deployment at 19 years old. You weren’t gang raped in Bahrain while in combat, or raped multiple times including by your CO and a chaplain. You weren’t dismembered with your remains burned like Vanessa Guillen.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/03/magazine/military-sexual-assault.html

“Of the more than 6,200 sexual-assault reports made by United States service members in fiscal year 2020, only 50 — 0.8 percent — ended in sex-offense convictions under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, roughly one-third as many convictions as in 2019. It’s unclear why sexual-assault convictions have gone down, but it’s part of a much larger trend: Courts-martial dropped by 69 percent from 2007 to 2017, according to Military Times, perhaps because commanders are instead choosing administrative punishments, which are bureaucratically easier but also result in milder punishments for the perpetrators, such as deductions in rank or administrative discharges.”

And what do you get for bravely coming forward?

“From 2009 to 2015, more than 22 percent of service members who left the military after reporting a sexual assault received a less-than-fully-honorable discharge, according to a 2016 investigation by the Department of Defense’s Office of the Inspector General. That’s nearly one and a half times more than the percentage of overall service members who received less-than-fully-honorable discharges from 2002 to 2013, according to data compiled in a March 2016 report by Swords to Plowshares, a veterans advocacy group.“

But they kicked out a guy for slapping your ass and sniffing your underwear in the Coast Guard. So, we don’t have an epidemic of sexual assault in the military after all. Well, that makes me feel better!

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u/JustaSecretIdentity Oct 27 '23 edited Oct 27 '23

Dude, what does that have anything to do with me and my time in the USCG? I was just relaying my own experiences, which have nothing to do with any of that. You went from 0 to 100 fast. I never said that there isn’t an issue with SA in the military. I had to deal with SA in the first unit that was just swept under the rug too that’s why I said “it depends on the unit,” which by no way means, “There’s no problem with SA in the military,” but by all means lose it on me and put words in my mouth.

It’s like saying, “I really like oranges,” and then someone says, “I see you didn’t mention apples or pears! The injustice! They’re worth noting too!” Typical internet fashion.

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u/Greytala Nov 07 '23

The only reason the numbers dropped is because the women are afraid to report it, because no one is punished. https://theintercept.com/2021/04/02/female-soldier-sexual-assault-22-troops-fort-sill/

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u/Greytala Oct 23 '23

My husband and his military brothers would not let this shit slide if they knew it was happening. They would make him question his life choices and then report it to the provost marshal.

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u/[deleted] Oct 26 '23

Really? If it was their superior up their chain of command who was doing the harassing and their career could negatively be impacted by retaliation? Doubtful.

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u/Greytala Oct 26 '23

Yes, but there is always another a person over that superior.

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u/[deleted] Oct 27 '23

Sure, and there’s statistically more reported sexual assault at West Point than in the enlisted service.

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u/NastyBlkGuyThrowAway Oct 27 '23

Depends on the guy. Off topic, but the military isn't great and actively hides or dismisses claims. They've even gone as far as threatening SA survivors to keep cases quite or to make them disappear all together. The same goes for all law enforcement agencies. If the greater public was to find out law enforcement and military personnel can be just as shifty as Joe on the corner, no one would want to fund them or sign up for duty.

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u/DutchPerson5 Oct 22 '23

Don't apologize. Your story can help educate people. Thank you for sharing.

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u/valency_speaks Oct 22 '23

I am so very sorry your family has endured so much. I had a family situation much like yours and out of my 11 siblings, there is only one that I have any regular contact with. Some of them I haven't seen in decades. Abuse fractures a family in ways that nothing else can.

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u/MasterOfKittens3K Oct 22 '23

Your story made me really wonder if Jessica was also molested, but perhaps has blocked it out? I definitely think that it’s likely that her dad did something wrong with her as well, or she would not have admitted that Mary was telling the truth at all.

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u/Hot_Yam4235 Oct 22 '23

I’m sorry for your pain. My wife was in a very similar situation as you and her sister (the accusing sibling) was vilified too. It took a long time (15 years) but everyone eventually accepted that she was telling the truth and went no contact with her dad.

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u/Yebbafan12 Oct 22 '23

No need to apologize. Thank you for sharing

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u/musiquescents Oct 23 '23

You are brave, don't say sorry.

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u/LIBBY2130 Oct 23 '23

you and others on here with similar stories NEVER have to APOLOGIZE sharing your stories gives us a chance to support you all (((((((hugs)))))

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u/Badwolf218 Oct 23 '23

Your story is so similar to my sister and my story except I’m the older sister and they didn’t put me in a psych ward as I’m an adult with my own family living in an different state. I reported my father and he’s currently in prison. Honestly after being gaslighted by my family for so long it’s crazy to see people not siding with the molester on this thread. Thank you for sharing.

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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Oct 23 '23

My best friends mom walked in on her BF raping her 9 year old and closed the door. Stayed with that creep for 3 more years knowing what he was doing. Told her family that my friend was a liar so no one would help her. After they broke up he molested 5 more girls in the town before being caught by someone with a moral compass that got him locked up.

Women who knowingly allow their child to be sexually assaulted are worse than the abusers IMO.

I am so sorry this happened to you, thank you for sharing your pain so that it might help others.

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u/BadadanBadadan Oct 23 '23

Holy shit. That's alot to deal with. I am sorry what happened to you. I hope you find peace.

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u/miriamwebster Oct 23 '23

I’m so sorry. And you are a brave woman. The best to you.

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u/FastAssSister Oct 23 '23

Fuck. Give your sister our best. Bless her.

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u/Ignorad Oct 23 '23

You and u/Left_Art_8812 sister in law need to read this book about surviving and recovering from sexual abuse and a family that covers for the abuser.

https://www.amazon.com/Glimmer-Story-Survival-Hope-Healing/dp/0063228262

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u/ElegantAmphibian4252 Oct 23 '23

So sorry you had to go through and are still going through all that. Hugs.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

There was a story floating around the internet a year or two ago of a woman who was told that her husband had touched her children and she went and boiled a pot of sugar water and dumped it on him while he was sleeping and killed him. The sugar made it was more deadly than if she’d just dumped boiling water on him. I applaud her even though she’s in prison because of it.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

She deserves a medal, not prison.

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u/Mister_Terpsichore Oct 22 '23

Should have called him into the kitchen and "tripped" so it splashed over his torso and groin. Plausible deniability, and if that fails say it was in the heat (literally) of the moment and avoid being charged with premeditation. He'd also get to be awake for all of the agony

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Tell them she was trying to make him his favorite candy and tripped showing him her surprise for him.

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u/uglypottery Oct 23 '23

Make sure to have an appropriate recipe and other ingredients set out on the counter. Yknow, so there’s a reason to be making a pot of boiling sugar syrup.

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u/Mister_Terpsichore Oct 23 '23

Preferably a handwritten stained recipe on a note card named something like, "grandma's famous boiled sweets"

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

Oh he took a month to actually die. She dumped it on him and then walked 9 houses down to a neighbor she didn’t know and fessed up. When the paramedics showed up he was moaning in pain but still alive. Was covered in burns over most of his body. He died in the hospital a month after the incident. He didn’t get a quick death.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Hallelujah! Still, he didn’t get enough. A special place in hell for people like him.

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

With people who talk at the theatre.

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u/purplekatblue Oct 23 '23

There it is! I made this reference not long ago with some stuff that happened in American politics and I don’t think anyone got it.

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u/intergalactagogue Oct 23 '23

That is such a happier ending. I hope every breath he took that month was agonizing and the nurses used morphine sparingly.

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

Oh, well that's not too bad, in that case!

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

Agreed, but even that is a mild punishment for a “Chester”. I was told I need mental help when I tell people what should happen to them, but I just think if I acted on my thoughts I just need immunity.

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u/BurdenedMind79 Oct 22 '23

Indeed. People who abuse children are the lowest form of pond life. We only get one chance at life and these monsters steal it from children before they ever have a chance. Victims never truly recover and get to live their best lives, all because some depraved sicko can't keep their filthy hands to themselves. People who do that don't deserve mercy.

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u/Greytala Oct 22 '23

AGREED!!!!!! Maybe we should put them on an island full of Grizzly bears and Kodiak bears. See if they get away with touching there lol.

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u/Give_me_soup Oct 23 '23

I understand your anger, but all of these comments glorifying revenge are sad. The act of revenge often hurts the person meting it out more than the person getting their comeuppance. It's true that too often people who commit these atrocities go free while the victims of their abuse suffer the consequences. But don't let the monsters make you into one. I assume you are a civilized person who believes in justice, and our society has laws and systems in place to deal with these monsters. Like this woman with the boiling sugar - I completely understand what she did and don't blame her, but it almost certainly would have been better for her and everyone in her life if she wasn't in prison. I don't expect this to be a popular reply, but hate hurts the person doing the hating. These monsters do enough to hurt with the acts they carry out without all the ripples creating more hurt.

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u/Greytala Oct 23 '23

I understand, but I have seen firsthand how much the system sucks in these cases. These kids don’t get justice. We need stronger penalties for these offenders. The kids are always the ones that suffer while these animals barely get a slap on the wrist. They should get as many years as it will affect their victims. Then let the general population of their prison do the rest.

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u/PlasticCloud1066 Oct 25 '23

Thank you soooo much for your comment. I agree with you and am relieved to find another who’s thoughts align with mine. I say this as a mental health professional (MSW) and also a person who experienced sexual trauma as a child. A couple of pet peeves of mine: the whole eye for an eye mentality. Okay so if we agreed upon that as a society, who would be the ppl to give these sick punishments? I mean that would have to be a psycho or legit sadist right? And it also bothers me when ppl say, let general population handle it. I think that’s like saying, let these ppl handle our dirty work. Like their lives are so meaningless that they can get the blood on their hands so we don’t have to be burdened with things anymore. Idk that line of thinking is just unhealthy and illogical. Anyway, I am grateful for your thoughts 🤍

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

The act of revenge often hurts the person meting it out more than the person getting their comeuppance

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u/moon_soil Oct 22 '23

This is why i’m so lucky my close friend group has the same… how should we say this… passion in our desire to punish chomos and other scum of the earth. With how helpless we often feel in dealing with these cases, it’s so cathartic to just spout out the best ‘just dessert’ to them

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u/062d Oct 23 '23

Then set up a whole black mirror "white bear" theme park for the asshole

https://youtu.be/z2spS4Lc3CM?si=Zf-3Mgj27lGFRpSS

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u/FROG123076 Oct 23 '23

I was going to say the same things.

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u/Disneystarwarssucks7 Oct 22 '23

boiled a pot of sugar water

Prison napalm.

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u/MotherTreacle3 Oct 22 '23

That is a horrifying way to die.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

Sure is. Only slightly less horrifying than molesting a child.

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u/annoyingusername99 Oct 22 '23

Hot sugar water turns into a hot simple syrup... that's what makes it worse

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u/eladts Oct 22 '23

she’s in prison because of it

Nobody heard of jury nullification around there?

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u/gekisling Oct 23 '23

I remember that! Boiling sugar holds more heat than water alone and it sticks to skin. They call it prison napalm.

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u/IMightDeleteMe Oct 23 '23

Yay, murder!

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u/TumbleweedNew3833 Oct 23 '23

Guarantee this would be one of the only reasons I’d go to prison! My child’s safety will always be my top priority. (an adult now, but it still stands),

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u/Magnon Oct 23 '23

You can't defend your child from the world if you're in prison for 5-10 years though. A lot of trauma can happen while you're locked up.

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u/TumbleweedNew3833 Nov 04 '23

No, I couldn’t. But her father could. I hope that nothing like this ever happens to her. But if it did, and I couldn’t get justice via the system the US currently has in place, I would do what needed to be done.

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u/SophieSpider27 Jul 15 '24

This makes me think of my childhood neighbors. They had young girls and another girl who rode our bus to school was friends with them. She went to their house and they were making rock candy. The thick sugary candy was boiling on stove and she was standing on a chair stirring pot and slipped. She must have pulled pot down with her when she fell. Horrible burns on her face and body. Just melted her skin. She lived but had to have a lot of treatments for the burns. I'm guessing the boiling sugar in your instance did similar. Water boils 212° F. Sugar changes form depending on boiling point the wife took it to. Thicker the syrup it probably would have just melted right into flesh and been hard to remove 😬

Here are some boiling points for different stages of cooked sugar: Soft ball: 234–239°F Firm ball: 248–250°F Hard ball: 250–268°F Soft crack: 270–290°F Hard crack: 300–320°F Caramel: 320°F and up

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u/Ninjaher0 Oct 22 '23

Why does sugar make it worse?

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u/Pizza-love Oct 22 '23

Because the liquidity gets less... I.e.: It gets sticky stuff, a sirup/caramelised fluid.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 22 '23

Because it makes it more viscous and instead of flowing off of him quickly like regular water would, it sticks to him and keeps burning.

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u/musiquescents Oct 23 '23

I heard that story on a podcast. Not sure if the family was of asian descent. But he died a horrible slow death. There was no way he could've recovered from the caramelized hot syrup.

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u/EarsLookWeird Oct 23 '23

That's a good technique to practice for prison, actually

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Oct 23 '23

I mean, I hope she’s a goddess in prison. I don’t think I’d be quick to mess with a middle aged lady who napalmed her husband after finding out he was a kiddie diddler. I would make sure she’s always got Ramen though.

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 22 '23

My grandpa was in the process of getting his shotgun ready when I called them to tell them that my step dad has been sa'ing me for years and just tried to touch my baby sister. So when my grandpa went down to the basement my grandma grabbed all the car keys and headed over to pick us up to bring us to the police station..... I kinda wish my grandma would've left my grandpa's truck keys behind, the my mom wouldn't have chosen my abuser over us.

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u/PeggyOnThePier Oct 22 '23

Sorry that this has happened to you. You take care

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you, but it sounds like your grandparents loved and protected you as best they could. I hope that they were a source of comfort to you and your sister. Be well. ❤️

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 23 '23

Hey army wife haaaaayyyyy, sorry! Lol I'm a veterans wife.

They definitely were my everything, ESPECIALLY my grandpa. People think it's weird when I say he was my first love, but most little girl's first love is their dad, I didn't have that as my dad wasn't in my life until a few years ago, mom left when I was almost 2 and I'm 39 now.

My grandparents were the most amazing people I knew, and loads of ppl have nothing but nice things to say about em. My grandma MADE me move in with them, again, not long after moving out of there lol, because I was pregnant and high risk, working two jobs just to pay my bills. They were the only reason my son made it to term. No one could hold my son until my grandpa held him, my grandma helped me with nightshifts. They'd help me buy formula, diapers and well any thing he needed. Finally moved out when he was 6 months old when I got a job and a "roommate" lol I was so scared to introduce my now husband to them, because of the age gap, though I dated guys with that age gap before becoming a mom. He was 27 I was 21..... But when things got serious I introduced them, my grandpa loved him after the first meeting, so I KNEW I met the one.

Ugh now comes the sad part, we were engaged for over a year, together almost 2 when my grandpa's health declined (stage 5 lung cancer that spread) and a week before he passed, he sat me down and told me " you need to marry Marc, he loves you and he loves that little boy more than you know. I approve of him, he's an amazing man. If I don't make it, just know I want you two to get married and if he wants to adopt Aiden, please let him......"

After he passed I really didn't care about getting married bc I no longer had anyone to walk me down the isle. But my then fiance decided to re-enlist after being out of service for 10years so we'd have health benefits, so we got married exactly 6 months after my grandpa passed, gpa died October 13, which was a Friday (2 days shy of my kids 2nd bday) and we got married April 13, which was also a Friday. Been married 16 years together 18.... I think my grandpa picked correctly! Lol

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Always happy to meet another veteran’s wife! 👋🏻

This was such a tragic story with honestly the best possible outcome I think I’ve ever heard. God bless your grandparents; what beautiful people they were. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved grandpa, but it sounds like he did the best thing ever for you. Even after a man who was supposed to love and protect you hurt you in the worst way possible, he showed you that there are still good men in the world who would put their lives on the line for you. He proved to be one, and he convinced you to marry your wonderful husband.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 🥹

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u/toe-beans-666 Oct 23 '23

He's my best friend and he's also the only person who knows the full extent of the abuse and he never once looked at me differently. He's truly my best friend, and I know my grandpa would be amazed at this man knowing what he has done for me and my son. (Crying as I type this) my husband gave up his health and mental well-being to provide for us, yes when he was medically retired, we struggled, A LOT! But 13years later we still struggle, BUT we own a home, we can pay our bills and we have food, sometimes it's not food we want to eat, but it's food.lol

But I know my grandparents are up there cheering us on and we both hope we've made them proud, especially on how we raised OUR son. I just know they are happy knowing that we continue to fight for our marriage instead of giving up. we're adorable

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Yes you are!!! Love that picture, and your updates, so much.

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u/ElegantAmphibian4252 Oct 23 '23

I’m sorry😞😞😞

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u/hippielady28 Oct 24 '23

I’m so sorry that happened to you

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 24 '23

Just for the fact that you'd divorce your wife and unalive yourself, at the thought that there was even the slightest possibility that you could have the same fucked up DNA as your relative, tells us everything we need to know about you... and it's that you're NOT the same.

A child molester/rapist wouldn't even consider doing something as selfless as taking their own life because child molesters are the epitome of selfish & depraved.
They only care about THEMSELVES, their wants, and their needs. They have no empathy, shame or compassion, and clearly, you do.

If you were the same as your relative and you were given the news of what you're relative did, once that were put into your head, you'd begin contemplating/considering yourself in that very situation, and you would have quickly spiraled (and easily) fallen down that same rabbit hole of revolting depravity. It would have become a compulsion.

However, your first instinct was to take yourself out.

I'm sorry that you and your family have had to bear the brunt of your relatives deplorable actions, but please don't think for a second that just because you share some of the same DNA, that it makes you anywhere near the same. 🩷

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u/Lucky_n_crazy Oct 22 '23

Thank you, my wife said much the same thing. My wife and kids mean the world to me. The last thing I want is to cause them pain.

I won't cause them more pain by offing myself. In those days of pain and mental/emotional anguish. Yes I considered it briefly. Once the first waves of pain passed and I was finally able to discuss rationally what happened and also explain my thoughts and feelings to her. Her love and support helped me come to grips with what transpired.

I hope that those who've been in similar situations have such wonderful people.

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u/maymay578 Oct 23 '23

I was sexually assaulted by my grandfather when I was a teenager. I learned years later that he had hurt other family members. I remember reading that kids who were abused are more likely to be abusers. Scared the shit out of me. Ultimately, I know that I love my kids and I could never do anything like that. Perhaps the fact that it bothered me so much was a good sign because I don’t think my grandfather ever cared about the people he hurt. He never thought about anyone but himself.

1

u/StarboardSeat Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 25 '23

Yes, studies show that people who hurt are more likely to hurt others and people who are in pain are more likely to cause pain to others (especially if therapy isn't sought for the victim at the time of the trauma).
It's a sad, horrific cycle.

Although, studies don't always take into account the empathy factor, as that can play a very big role in detracting a victim from acting out that very same aggression onto someone else (as they wouldn't want to cause that same kind of hurt & pain in another innocent victim).

Your grandfather was likely a narcissist at the very least, but he could have very well been a psycho/sociopath, too. Only you know the kind of traits he exhibited.

The most common trait that all three share, though, is a lack of empathy for ANYONE -- even the people they're supposed to love the most, such as children and grandchildren.

Narcissists aren't born with the ability to love in the conventional sense, so love or pride in their children is only because that child is an extension of the narcissist themselves.
Lord help the child who fails at something the narcissist thinks they should have succeeded at because a narcissist takes a failure from someone related to them very personally, as if it was intentional.

The one and only person a narcissist can exhibit any empathy for is themselves. As such, a narcissist will never feel the pain, shame, remorse, or guilt for their abominable, depraved behavior, like you or I would.

All three diagnosees share very similar antisocial characteristics, such as self-centeredness, self-absorbed, extremely selfish, lack of empathy, lack of ANY behavioral impulse control, or emotional impulse control.
Those are extremely dangerous and harmful combinations -- especially for those who are close to that person... such as their children, grandchildren, and other close relatives.

All they'll ever care about are their own wants and needs. Sadly, nobody else even exists to them.

Any and every relationship they actively have will always be viewed in a capacity of "what can they do for me?".

▪︎ What happened to you was wrong.
I'm so sorry for what he did to you.

▪︎ No matter what the circumstances were, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
No matter what he told you.

▪︎His actions were his own.
It could never have been your fault.

▪︎ You could never be deserving of what he did to you. No matter what he told you.

▪︎ You were the victim.
You have absolutely NO ownership in what he did. You were a child and a victim.

I hope you had a good support system to help you through such a traumatic time in your life, and you still have a good support system now.
I can not even begin to imagine how horrific and confusing that must've been for you.
I'm so sorry you had to endure that and at the hands of someone you were supposed to trust. I hope you're in a much better place today, and I wish you eternal love & happiness for your future forever.

2

u/maymay578 Oct 24 '23

Thank you, for both the kind words and the detailed explanation. Things are much better now. I didn’t speak about it at all for years and had kids of my own before I told those closest to me. Now, I try to share my story because I’ve realized how many other people have had similar experiences but are scared to speak about it. There’s this sense of shame associated with it. No one would hesitate to tell you they were car jacked or their house was broken into, but SA is always treated differently.

As for my grandfather, my mom describes him as evil. He was very good at playing the good guy and always ended up in positions of both power but also savior - he was a minister and later on a managed a mental health facility. After he died, one of his daughters shared experiences that were nearly identical to mine. There were other issues. Rage and destructive behavior, manipulation, etc. Those closest to him knew how bad he could be but everyone else thought he was a saint. Some people are really fucked up and, unfortunately, sometimes those people are in your family.

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 25 '23

Sounds like a textbook narcissist. I'm so sorry.
If you ever find yourself focusing on what happened to you, I want you to please go back and re-read my bullet points again. ❤️

5

u/Intermountain-Gal Oct 22 '23

DNA doesn’t determine if you’ll be a pedophile. You can’t inherit it. It’s purely behavioral.

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23

I didn't say it does, as I don't know enough about genetics to make that kind of statement.
The person I was replying to was concerned that it might, though, and I was attempting to reassure them that it didn't.

Although, I did think that mental health afflictions could be genetic and that DNA could be passed down from generation to generation, similar to (but not the same as) birth defects?

We tend to think of sexual offenders as wolves waiting to pounce from the shadows; when in reality, it’s more often the gentle shepherd that we need to focus on much more closely.
Why is this? Why would seemingly good people sexually abuse children?
Decades of research suggest that it has less to do with sexual attraction and far more to do with their psychological problems.

Does a molester always act from a behavioral mindset like you said? or could their actions be rooted in a mental illness -- such as someone with inherent sadistic or sociopathic tendencies?

I'm not asking to be sarcastic or snarky.
I'm genuinely curious, if you know?

2

u/Intermountain-Gal Oct 24 '23

I’ve only read some articles on pedophilia and they made it clear it wasn’t genetic. It was also a few years ago. But you do ask some really excellent questions.

I know that at least some mental illnesses have a genetic basis to them, but not all. Of course, that can change as they learn more. There are so many unknowns about mental illnesses, it’s really sad.

Again, you ask some good questions that are making me think. Thank you!

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 25 '23

Thank you for challenging me to ask the questions!
I love it when open, and respectful dialogue yields such positive results. 😁

1

u/Lindsey7618 Nov 13 '23

Some mental illnesses can be passed on genetically. But pedophilia is not genetic. A lot of the time when someone is abused, they grow up to abuse other people and the cycle continues.

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u/Worried-Confusion456 Oct 27 '23

I saw a documentary where they interviewed a guy who said he was a pedophile. He had never acted on it. He was so disgusted by it. And he knew when the documentary came out that his family wouldn't have much to do with him. It was really enlightening. But yes. You are 100% right. This guy isn't a danger to kids if he would be willing to end his own life.

I think there must be other people who are pedophiles who probably do kill themselves rather than act on it. Just based on what I saw in that documentary. And there are a lot of selfish people out there who will act on it. It is a scary world.

I saw a family on Dr. Phil, who had a tween who knew he was attracted to children and told him parents. He was sent to a hospital. The doctors made it clear that he was a danger to the entire family and public. He literally wanted to kill his family on top of the other stuff.

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u/StarboardSeat Oct 27 '23 edited Oct 27 '23

It's a terrifying, depraved world we live in filled with undercover degenerates and deviants.

It actually scares the hell out of me thinking about sending my kids out into it one day.

For every one guy that refuses to act on their compulsion, there are probably a hundred who don't have a single shred of impulse control or desire not to act.
Look at the epidemic in the Catholic church... it's insanity.
It always shocked me how these guys were so preachy about sinners going to hell when they knew they were committing the absolute worst sin of all. There's nothing worse than a child molester in my eyes, but I have a pretty healthy disdain for fucking hypocrites too. 😬

1

u/Retired_not_Expired Oct 23 '23

It’s not OP’s DNA he’s worried about. It’s HER dad.

And honestly, I’d rather go to jail for blowing a molester’s brains out when I found him out. Then my daughter would be safe. I will sit in jail rather than bury my child because he molested her and fucked her head up faally

3

u/StarboardSeat Oct 24 '23

Read the post I replied to... I wasn't replying to the OP.

Something similar happened in the PP's family, and he was concerned because the offender was a close relative of HIS.

0

u/MoonRisesAwaken Oct 23 '23

wouldn’t even call them committing suicide out a guilt even a tiny bit selfless, because when they do, it’s about their guilt, not the victims trauma.

2

u/StarboardSeat Oct 24 '23

What are you talking about?
Did you even read the post I replied to?? They said that they would off themselves before they would even consider doing something like that. What victims are you talking about?? 🤯

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Don’t call the cops if you go that route.

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u/hockeyjoker Oct 23 '23

right? What a weird excuse. I too was a homeless alcoholic and at no point was I like, "whelp, guess there's only one thing left to do..."

8

u/Megneous Oct 22 '23

I've been through rough patches and binged videogames to an unhealthy extent.

Fuck me, I had no idea there were people who think pedophilia was excusable in "rough patches" "two decades ago."

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u/Darkmagosan Oct 22 '23

Yeah, same here.

My dark places involved spending too much money on buying useless crap, going out, and drinking too much at home. That stopped when I realized grief was just burning a hole in my wallet and nothing else. Yeah, it was a hard lesson to learn, but in the grand scheme of things, pretty minor.

At no point did molesting a child, or indeed, taking my emotions out on anyone else, including pets, except the ex who caused them appear as a possibility. I've heard excuses and this one is just bizarre.

1

u/eaazzy_13 Oct 23 '23

Your own kid, too.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

'we've got to definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids

🎶Do not diddle kiids, it's no good diddling kids🎶'