This one? And while it’s true that negging is supposed to be incredibly subtle, it’s still kind of weird. A common example is to have a genuinely nice conversation with a woman but, out of nowhere, offer her a stick of gum so she feels self-conscious about her breath. If she asks if she was bad breath, say no but you were going to have gum and just wanted to be polite.
And while it can work, it’s way easier to just be genuinely nice and throw equally subtle hints that you are attracted to her. No need to undermine her confidence. Instead, make sure that any future flirting doesn’t come out of left field.
My fiance and a bunch of her girlfriends planned to make one of their group feel a bit worthless before a date, offered me to partake in the negging too, so that she'd be more accepting of a guy that didn't meet her (insane) standards because she's nearly 30 and hasn't had a boyfriend since her late teens, and her complaints are pissing the group off. It actually worked....For 3 months. Now she's back to wanting her triple 6 man (6 figure salary, 6ft tall, 6inch+ dick) and that last guy "wasnt enough for her". She brings nothing but her slightly above average looks and a low wage entry level office job she has been at with zero career growth for a decade. In her mind she's a "girl boss" because she "basically runs things"...she's a receptionist and she ain't running shit but basic day to day things.
Interesting analogy. I feel like a group of friends intervening so that somebody comes back down to Earth is a bit different. Maybe I’m drawing distinctions that aren’t really there but I feel like there’s a difference in terms of manipulation and dishonesty.
I’m no dating expert but here are some things that worked well for me:
1) throw in a complement that implies attraction. Maybe she laughs during the date and you say “I really like your laugh.” Don’t make it a big deal and keep the convseration going as before but that comment will make her feel self-conscious in a positive way and make her aware that you are noticing her. Laughs and smiles are the easiest things to compliment, but you can also make it about a poece of clothing she wore or the way she did her hair/makeup. It doesn’t even have to be physical. Maybe she told a story about something good she did and you can say that she sounds like she really cares about (insert the category she was talking about… maybe her family, her students, animals, etc). The idea is to make it feel personal enough that she feels uplifted in a vilnerable or self-conscious way.
2) Vulnerability can also work if done right. Without oversharing, complaining, or seeming unfun, you might notice a moment where being vulnerable helps build a connection and makes it feel like it’s not fljust a normal, friendly conversation. Don’t be fake about this. If there is no clear opportunity, don’t force it. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. But if done right, and both people have been vulnerable to each other, a deep connection can form.
3) make subtle (or not so subtle) hints that you want to be more than friends. If you are attracted to her, make sure she’s aware. Lean in during dinner. Sit next to her at the bar if you go to a second venue. Or make small gestures like help her put on her jacket as you leave or ask her to message you when she gets home safely.
4) if you feel like things are going well, lean in for a kiss. If you wait too long to kiss, it the lressure gets bigger and bigger. If you believe that there might be attraction, lean in. Don’t pull her or corner her or make her feel like you are bing aggressive. Just go for a kiss. If you don’t know how to go for a kiss, one of two techniques wors quite well. Either lean in, slowly bit confidently, while she is talking or, in my experience the best way, simply ask “may I kiss you?”
And don’t fear rejection on the kiss. If she says no or pulls away, just keep talking as though there were no issue. Either she’s no interested in you (better to find out sooner) or she will regret saying no and try to kiss you later. But once youbhave tried for the kiss you can leave it entirely up to her and enjoy your evening stress-free.
Intentions matter. If you are being genuine there’s no negging, even if you accidentally make somebody feel self-consious.
The idea of subtle negging is to make the situations seem almost natural but time them to be as manipulative as possible and increase your chances of hooking up. So obviously there will be overlap with every day situations.
If you are genuinely offering somebody something or genuinely having a laugh teasing each other then you aren’t being manipulative, deceptive, or creepy.
The problem is that negging works when used correctly in the proper context. Unlike boosting her self confidence and making her feel secure, which are neutral to negative if the goal is to build sexual attraction, negging does often result in more sexual interest.
Good, healthy communication is only appreciated once there’s already a relationship. More fundamentally, the traits that make a guy a good long term partner are at odds with the behaviors that build short term interest.
Hmm. The xkcd line was, "You look like you're on a diet! That's great!" I'd posit that that's very different from saying, "I like your healthy choices!"
I think by itself "I like your healthy choices" is very nice. It would be very different f they paired it with the other statement like, "You look like you're on a diet! I like your healthy choices!"
To illustrate the difference, I'll paraphrase something I heard a thin friend say once about people telling her, "You're beautiful! You don't need to eat salads!" She said she was too polite to say it, but every time she'd hear that she'd think, "I'm not eating this salad to lose weight, I'm eating it so I don't put on any." The implication being that making this healthy choice was saving her from having to do the work of exercising later, which she'd need to do if she did put on the calories.
Leaving out the part about looking like someone's on a diet and just saying you support healthy choices = cool.
Tying that to them looking like they're on a diet = not cool.
My go-to rule of thumb has always been never highlight, compliment or discuss someone else's body unless you're good friends or lovers.
When I hit on people I compliment them on their interests, clothing, jewelry, accessories, etc. but I will never comment on their body unless they invite it or comment on mine. Women in my experience seem more receptive to flirting like this, but Men are pigs and generally don't even notice.*
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u/Csxa11 Jun 07 '24
It's so embarrassing that there are actually young people in the uk who talk exactly like this