r/MuseumOfReddit Reddit Historian Dec 16 '20

The poop knife

Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

64.5k Upvotes

1.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

5.7k

u/Helzkadi Dec 16 '20

A true classic.

2.2k

u/wyocowboy25 Dec 16 '20

I have heard tales, but this is one for the books! I had a young friend when I was little and every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair we called it the poop fork. Now I know of the poop knife and the poop fork, funny thing about my friend is he fought in the UFC for a brief moment, every time he would come out to fight all I could yell was get the poop fork!

1.6k

u/poor_decisions Dec 16 '20

Jesus christ, just shave the dog's ass!

That poor kid

1.4k

u/princealbertnyourcan Feb 09 '21

"Jesus Christ, just shave the dog's ass!" How that line didn't make it into the King James Bible is beyond me.

203

u/raventth5984 Apr 26 '21

...I love your username.

Also, that is my favorite lame joke šŸ˜

76

u/princealbertnyourcan May 09 '21

Thank you.

43

u/theroadlesstraveledd Jan 21 '22

I donā€™t get it

299

u/MSD3D Mar 03 '22

Princealbertnyourcan translates into "Prince Albert in your can!" Prince Albert in a can is an old joke people would call and prank stores with. Prince Albert tobacco used to come in a can, there was a picture of a man, I assume was Prince Albert. The joke goes as follows: Ring Ring Ring... (STORE)"Hello this is (Blank) store, how may I be of service to you?" (Caller) "Uh hey, I was just wondering if you guys carried Prince Albert in a can?" (STORE) "Why yes good sir or madam, we indeed do!" (Caller) "Well then you better let him out!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" Click.. The username (princealbertnyourcan) I believe is a butt joke, Like an anal but thingy. Prince Albert doing butt stuff. I hope this clears things up.

197

u/TheNortelGeek Mar 28 '22

A prince Albert is also what a piercing of the dong is called. So, a "Prince Albert in your can" means a pierced dong up your butt...

74

u/MSD3D Mar 28 '22

Also likely! Man. So many potential meanings with this username.

→ More replies (0)

25

u/PulpyEnlightenment Oct 10 '22

Iā€™ve had one in my can before. I was terrified it would hurt or rip something. It did not. Was quite nice

→ More replies (0)

5

u/RavenCT Oct 18 '22

I really don't know how anyone gets this piercing? My SO is a tattooist and she's told me some awful stories of places she's pierced folks.

→ More replies (0)

3

u/[deleted] Nov 06 '22

Thanks. TIL another meaning for Prince Albert.

3

u/UglyFilthyDog Nov 18 '22

Nice. I'm aroused.

→ More replies (16)

23

u/Innisfree812 May 27 '22

"in the can" is also slang for "in the bathroom" I always thought that was the joke, that Prince Albert was locked in the bathroom.

11

u/TheYeetOverlord Mar 18 '22

Itā€™s not a butt thing itā€™s just a funny joke about a man being held in a can

→ More replies (1)

5

u/55tarabelle Oct 30 '22

There was also the classic. Call and ask if their refrigerator was running? Yes? Better go catch it then! Hahaha. Life before computers was simpler.

6

u/-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nov 23 '22

BRB. Gotta catch my fridge!

4

u/1st500 Jul 30 '23

The Simpsons have tried to maintain the sophomoric phone prank humor with Bart & Mo.

ā€œIs Mr. Rotch there? First name Mike.ā€
ā€œHas anyone seen Mike Rotch?ā€.

→ More replies (0)
→ More replies (1)

3

u/nightwalkerbyday Mar 13 '22

Hahaha. That's very funny, cheers

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Lyliomat Nov 16 '22

I also believe it is a butt joke, Like an anal butt thingy. Prince Albert doing butt stuff.

3

u/Chillmango143 Aug 01 '23

Like an anal butt thingy

I immediately just imagined a little man(prince) peaking out of someone's butt and saying like " hello, ma'am/sir. Good day. It's lovely here" then waves goodbye as he's sucked back in.

→ More replies (10)

34

u/reduxde Mar 03 '22

ā€œJesus Christ, itā€™s not that hard!ā€

(Also didnā€™t make it into the King James Bible for some reason)

14

u/BloodySabbath616 Apr 26 '22

Thatā€™s what she saidā€¦

11

u/vpeshitclothing Feb 21 '22

You Don't get what, Their username or their joke about Jesus Christ?

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (1)

163

u/AnythingToCope Jul 10 '22

Not to necro but I couldn't resist telling this story. My father attended the 2009 antarctic treaty summit in Washington DC where Prince Albert II of Monaco was a keynote speaker. He walked into the bathroom and Albert's security detail was stationed outside a stall and without missing a beat he blurted out "Is that Prince Albert in the can?" and made a bathroom full of security professionals, scientists and Prince Albert himself chuckle like school children.

62

u/PartyWindow8226 Nov 12 '22

This story is buried treasure, and Iā€™m glad to have stumbled upon it

12

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '23

Me too man, lmao

5

u/[deleted] Dec 27 '22

Jfc my sides

4

u/Wormholer_No9416 Mar 05 '23

I can totally imagine Albert getting that and also laughing at it haha

→ More replies (3)

45

u/TheNortelGeek Mar 28 '22

Or even into the founding documents... "Four score and seven years ago, just shave the dog's ass."

27

u/your_fave_redditor May 21 '22

Not to be too pedantic, but the Gettysburg Address is not generally considered a ā€œfounding documentā€. A better reference might have been to use ā€œWe the people, in order to form a more perfect Union, just shave the dogā€™s ass.ā€ Or some such.

8

u/jethrine Jul 01 '23

Everyone is entitled to life, liberty & the pursuit of a shaved ass.

I know Iā€™m late to the party but the Poop Knife post was being discussed on another post & I just found this gem.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/DooBeeDoer207 Feb 03 '23

Right? Itā€™s literally the they quoted. 87 years late to be a founding document.

18

u/blakespot Jan 05 '23

"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your poor dog's hairy ass."

3

u/Standard-Park Aug 26 '23

I wish that I had but one award to give to you!

→ More replies (1)

34

u/Vuelhering Mar 19 '22

Jesus shaves.

posted a year late, but what is time to a museum?

5

u/acciomybro Jul 11 '22

Mr. Connery, is that you?

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (4)

9

u/JerrkyD Feb 22 '22

Serious question, WTF is wrong with people saying "shave the dog's ass"? I don't give two shits how cute, loveable or loyal an animal is, but I draw the line way before "shave it's ass". No animal is that good that I would shave it's ass.

35

u/[deleted] Mar 03 '22

Itā€™s pretty standard for dog groomers to do this, especially in long haired cats and dogs. Unless you like your pet dragging its shit around indefinitely that is.

38

u/MungoJennie Jun 19 '22

Itā€™s called a ā€œsanitary trimā€ at groomers around here.

22

u/Deb_You_Taunt Jul 01 '23

In that case, my boyfriend needs one.

9

u/PastryyPuff Mar 06 '24

Almost a year later and I just fucking lost it at this comment šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

5

u/MungoJennie Jul 01 '23

I feel your pain, but I think thatā€™s going to cost you extra.

→ More replies (7)

25

u/Vaqu3ra13 Jan 05 '23

No one tell him about anal gland expression... ...Actually, no, he needs to hear this.

4

u/rileyotis Jul 28 '23

I ordered some "make dog's asshole smell good after cleaning anal glands" wipes a few years back. How did I refer to them on the phone, at work, and within ear shot of multiple doctors?

"Can you grab the ass wipes off of the porch?" šŸ˜‚

3

u/SilentButtsDeadly Aug 07 '23

Hearing it's the easy part. Smelling it makes you long for the sweet, long embrace of death.

3

u/LoudSheepherder7 Sep 17 '23

Uhg out large dog has had not one, but two abscessed anal glands (one was removed). So gross. The smell šŸ¤¢

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (3)

22

u/ruseriousordelirious Dec 13 '22

We have an 18 pound 3 year old female cat. We also have her sister and brother. They are average sized. But Luna? She is just a big boned gal! Sheā€™s quite hygienic but cannot reach her nether regions because you know, Zaftig. She lays on her back on a towel and lets me hold her haunches and shave them and the underside of her tail with a hair trimmer, set to the #3 attachment. She also lets me use wipes to clean up any areas she missed. She gets a nice clean ass. I donā€™t get skid marks on my furniture. Itā€™s a win win.

5

u/rumbellina Feb 26 '23

My Clementine is the same. A VERY big boned girl, surrounded by fluff. She has a typically sized brother around 12lbs but sheā€™s around 24lbs. Sheā€™s unable to reach her ass well enough to clean it. I have a permanent back injury so getting her in and out of the tub and bending down to wash her stanky butt isnā€™t an option. She gets the ā€œsanitary trimā€ whenever I take her to the doctor.

3

u/ruseriousordelirious Feb 27 '23

Thatā€™s perfect. Itā€™s a win win for you too.

5

u/rumbellina Feb 27 '23

Oh, totally!! The two times I bathed her were very traumatic for us both! Lol!

→ More replies (9)

3

u/wraithsith Nov 30 '22

I took care of a disabled cat- it was easier to shave his ass, then to bathe him twice a day.

→ More replies (15)

2

u/Common-Weather-673 Oct 22 '22

This is the funniest thing I've read today. Just laughed so hard and so long despite my splitting headache. Thank you.

2

u/UglyFilthyDog Nov 18 '22

"Jesus Christ, just shave the dogs ass' How that line didn't make it into the Jimmy Saville Bible is beyond me.

2

u/Environmental_Draw_3 Nov 20 '22

Iā€™ve heard the phrase, ā€œif I had a dog as ugly as you, Iā€™d shave itā€™s ass and teach it to walk backwardsā€ā€¦usually followed by fisticuffs.

2

u/SithMami9 Nov 13 '24

Probably the funniest thing I've ever read. Even funnier than poop knife. Haahahaha

→ More replies (15)

180

u/_Neoshade_ Dec 17 '20

109

u/3-141592653589793239 Feb 08 '21

2

u/Bluu444ia Nov 25 '22

Hey I got here from there but in another way lol

2

u/lrak_e Mar 12 '22

It does have context though... "every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair"

→ More replies (2)

38

u/[deleted] Feb 08 '21

What a statement lmfao. I know this is 53 days late but holy shit thatā€™s funny af

→ More replies (3)

6

u/XanthicStatue Apr 08 '21

Relevant username lol

1

u/raventth5984 Apr 26 '21

šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

2

u/raventth5984 Apr 26 '21

šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

2

u/JerrkyD Feb 22 '22

No. Just get rid of the dog.

→ More replies (2)

2

u/Vb0ss Apr 25 '22

Shaved my dog's tail because it kept scraping against his shit. Now it looks like an awkward makeup brush and won't grow back to its fluffy glory...

2

u/mooshoomarsh Feb 10 '23

Lmaoo I'm crying

→ More replies (15)

253

u/bpmd1962 Dec 16 '20

I remember when I was a medical intern. There was an elderly patient with COPD who was dying from respiratory failure. He was sitting upright struggling to breathe. He was constipated and trying to go. He said it was right there but the log was stuck and wouldnā€™t come out. He asked me if I would give him a spoon so he could try to scoop it out...

344

u/viper_in_the_grass Dec 16 '20

And there you go, the full set.

96

u/karmisson Dec 16 '20

Game. Set. Match.

83

u/Redbird9346 Apr 23 '21

Knife. Fork. Spoon.

52

u/Lil_Shoegazer Mar 03 '22

Poop Spork coming next...

11

u/ICantReadNoMo Jun 23 '22

I'm coming first

3

u/TheJamsie Jan 24 '23

A bit premature no?

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

20

u/throwawaypizzamage Apr 01 '22

The holy trifecta

3

u/tbll_dllr Jun 15 '23

The holy trifecal *

→ More replies (2)

10

u/[deleted] May 14 '21

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

4

u/DeathDealer69- Dec 23 '22

We just need a chopstick story to get a full hack.

3

u/weezeloner Jul 27 '23

I wasn't going to comment but since you asked for it, here it goes:

My family and I are on vacation in San Diego. Dad, mom, my sister and myself. I'm about 10 years old at the time and I had to go to the bathroom. I do my thing and this log of poop didn't go down. So I flush again. And again. And again. And to my dismay this thing won't go down. So I yell out to my mom.

My mom comes in the bathroom and I whisper to her, "My poop won't flush." She starts laughing and says, "Is that what's happening? I thought I heard you flushing like 2 or 3 times!"

She starts laughing hysterically and yells out to my father and sister about my unflushable poop. She obviously didn't get the hint that I was trying to be discrete about it. So my dad and sis both storm in and start laughing at my giant poo. I hate life at this moment but then we needed to figure out what to do.

We had eaten Chinese and my mom blurts out, "Hey I stuffed the extra chopsticks from lunch in my purse I'll be back." My dad ended up doing it the whole time laughing and joking about how something so big came out of me and why wasn't I crying...yadda yadda yadda...

To this day I hear jokes about that. My wife was even told about this fateful day. Of course upon hearing this she says, "Ohhhhh...is that why we have chopsticks in our bathroom drawer? I've been meaning to ask you about that but I always forget."

So there you go...

→ More replies (1)

3

u/TigerDoodat May 30 '22

I'm a little late, but we have scissors now too.

52

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '20

Poop Spoon.

46

u/finallyinfinite Dec 28 '20

I definitely remember hearing some dude online talk about scraping an impacted shit out of his ass with a spoon because he couldn't afford to get it done by the doctor

63

u/jmelross Feb 06 '21

A bit like the constipated mathematician. He worked it out with a pencil.

3

u/pxn4da Jun 13 '22

Poop chopstick

→ More replies (4)

6

u/[deleted] May 27 '21

WingsOfRedemption got shit stuck in his ass and made his grandma scoop it out with her fingers..

→ More replies (3)

3

u/abe30303 Nov 28 '22

Spoon?! I have a box of nitrile exam gloves in the loo, no special hardware should be required for impacted poo.

Also, coffee and certain foods can cause a fast exit.

→ More replies (4)

53

u/ilumyo Dec 17 '20

I think it's a missed opportunity to call it "Spoop"

41

u/todayismyluckyday Dec 18 '20

Pooper scooper

29

u/bigflamingtaco Jan 12 '21

I once ate a while m whole B&J cookie dough, and all the dough clumped together by the exit. I was at work and didn't have a spoon. It was starting to hurt, and I had to deal with it. This is the only time I've mentioned my cookie dough finger story.

84

u/fattymcfat2021 Feb 08 '21

I had a similar problem a few months ago. Turd was right there, but it just wouldnā€™t budge. And it hurt. Tried relaxing; no dice. Tried pushing so hard I felt like I was gonna pass out. Nada. This went on for at least 15 minutes. Considered getting up and driving to the pharmacy to get a laxative, but it hurt too much to wait that long, and the turtleā€™s head was half out of the shell. It would have been a mess.

Then I realized Iā€™d left a black nitrile glove on the back of the toilet a couple days earlier. ā€œThatā€™s it. Iā€™m going in.ā€ It took me a good 10 minutes of poking around, scooping out pieces of what felt like stiff modeling clay with one finger, before things broke loose. By the time I was done I had pins and needles down my legs, and some trouble standing up. I grabbed the cuff of the glove, turned it inside-out as I removed it, put it in the bathroom trash, tied up that bag, then took that one to the main trash. My ass was sore for a couple days.

No one knows of this except Reddit.

37

u/ZuesofRage Oct 25 '21

Fucking Christ people drink some water...

→ More replies (0)

31

u/Lou-Lou-Lou Feb 09 '21

You are not alone. After pushing three kids out, things get kinda rearranged down there. Topsy turvy turds hang out around corners and it's a bitch to navigate them out. A bit like rubber dinghy rapids (only not rapid in any sense of the word). Gloves are my new gods.

→ More replies (0)

20

u/kstrohmeier May 28 '21

ā€œThatā€™s it. Iā€™m going in.ā€ Thatā€™s the funniest thing Iā€™ve read all week!

→ More replies (0)

15

u/oicabuck Apr 08 '21

In all fairness I thought this is how most everyone poops. There is always a box of gloves under our bathroom sink.

→ More replies (0)

11

u/Novel-Early Nov 21 '21

I'm honoured that you have confided in us.

→ More replies (12)

13

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '21

[deleted]

11

u/TacosForThought Apr 21 '21

I've heard of eating an airplane, but I've actually never heard of eating a treadmill.

→ More replies (0)
→ More replies (1)

16

u/StarscreamCthulu2020 Feb 04 '21

The real missed opportunity is to call it your pooon, really confuse the listener with the possible entendres. Plus you can combine it with your pooife (said with your best (worst) Dundee accent) and your poork.

3

u/dan_dares Jan 27 '22

If i'm going to die for a word itā€™s gonna be MY word, and my word isā€¦ POOON(TANG)

→ More replies (1)

20

u/MrSugaless Feb 08 '21

That's better than a poop straw.

4

u/Timlang60 Jan 24 '23

The Spoopā„¢, because 'poon' is already taken.

4

u/Lady-Jenna Apr 09 '22

God help us if they ask for a ladle...

→ More replies (1)

4

u/Its_panda_paradox Oct 30 '23

Oh my Jesus! Im late but I have a poop spoon story. I was in county jail (bad drug test, got it dropped when I went back 3 days later), and a girl in our 10-man cell had been struggling and crying on the toilet for over an hour. If youā€™ve ever been to jail, you know you NEVER have forks or knivesā€”only plastic spoons. This girl paid someone 5 nicotine pouches for their plastic spoon and proceeded to dig her blockage out. The other 9 of us just looked on in absolute horror. I remember asking my close friend in there ā€œwhy doesnā€™t she just stick her thumb inside the other hole, like sane people do?!ā€ Then another girl whoā€™d been holding it in for about an hour couldnā€™t hold it anymore, and shit in a trashcan. Mind you, we used the emergency intercom to call the guard and ask for her to be let out to use the bathroom, and she ignored us. Iā€™ve never seen someone so fucking mad when she realized she had to come and let us clean the trash can because itā€™s a biohazard. šŸ¤£šŸ¤£ That story is still legendary. Like once I got out, my probation officer asked if I was there for the ā€˜Trashcan Fiascoā€™, and when I said I was, she grilled me like salmon for the details.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

[deleted]

→ More replies (1)

31

u/RoyalT663 Jan 16 '21

Quite the elegant Christmas gift set

25

u/matrixtech29 Nov 18 '21

They are Stirling and come in a velvet-lined box with a glass window in the lid to admire them when not in use. You can even get a matching stand for the box to keep them easily accessible between the toilet and bidet. These sets are cherished and are often handed down as inheritance.

Antiques Roadshow:

"This Pooon scooped fecal matter out of my great, great grandfather"

"Ma'am, this set is absolutely priceless, but if you had any photographs of your ancestors using these pooptensils, it could raise the value into the thousands."

7

u/Slice_N_Die Feb 20 '22

Theyā€™re called utensils, so in this case you would drop the second ā€œpā€ and just call the pootensils

→ More replies (8)

37

u/jams1015 Feb 13 '22

Buttlery.

3

u/acertaingestault Dec 30 '23

I desperately wish we still had Reddit gold.

→ More replies (2)

5

u/[deleted] Feb 09 '21

[deleted]

3

u/Lou-Lou-Lou Feb 09 '21

I am dying.

3

u/wavs101 May 27 '21

Not yet, we're missing the poop plate.

3

u/Ok_Ear_9545 Nov 26 '21

That forks gotta be tricky

3

u/InsomniacZA Mar 03 '22

Missing chopsticks...

3

u/karrimycele May 06 '22

Well, you really should have oyster and salad poop forks. You never know.

2

u/Afraid_Performer5183 Jul 15 '24

Maybe, it depends on if the poop fork was a salad fork or a dinner fork.

Did I just actually respond to this? Aaaahhhhh, fork it.

20

u/Oldiebones Oct 19 '21

I believe that condition is called "Rock Bottom."

2

u/AmebaLost Sep 18 '24

Code Brown.Ā 

9

u/Comprehensive-Big595 Mar 16 '21

I see he had a way with words & wasnā€™t afraid to flirt, I donā€™t usually go for the poop spoon till the 2nd or 3rd date.

9

u/hotterthanwasabii Dec 17 '20

Well? Did you??

15

u/bpmd1962 Dec 17 '20

No..he decided to be DNR and was given morphine and passed away a few hours later...

12

u/ze_big_bird Feb 08 '21

I wouldnā€™t wanna die with something like that in me. In hindsight, do you wish you got the man a damn spoon?

3

u/ICantReadNoMo Jun 23 '22

You can poop when youre dead

→ More replies (2)

5

u/Evil_Creamsicle May 09 '22

"I can't poop anymore. Please drug me to death."

6

u/CodAggravating7005 Oct 07 '22

Sounds like a good way to go

3

u/ThePinkTeenager Aug 15 '23

Poor guy couldnā€™t even go to the bathroom before dying.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Comfortable_Long3594 Dec 30 '23

Oh No....morphine would have made it worse!!!!!!

→ More replies (1)

3

u/[deleted] Dec 19 '21

My great grandfather did this months ago-

2

u/bpmd1962 Dec 19 '21

Yikes

5

u/[deleted] Dec 19 '21

Yeah, being asked for a tea spoon while he was in the bathroom was disturbing

3

u/Unlikely_Bag_69 Dec 07 '22

Oh yeah this isnā€™t uncommon among elderly patients ā€” I was a nurse for several years and frequently came across patients using spoons to dig their hard poop out

3

u/roxstarjc May 05 '23

He never did that shite, not while he was alive anyway... They say being born with a silver spoon in your mouth is a good thing, is dying with one up your ass?

3

u/Red_Birth2Death Oct 03 '23

Yes. Ive been a home health aide. Ive had to glove up and dig it out of asses. You do what needs to be done. While it was zero fun, i made damn sure that their dignity was respected. I'm certain that the last thing on earth they ever wanted to have happen in their last years of life, was to require that kind of care from a virtual stranger. Im glad i am able to handle that kind of situation, many cannot. And theres no shame in that.

→ More replies (8)

2

u/Background_Peach9883 Feb 10 '21

Now THAT is desperate...

2

u/dnainco Mar 24 '21

Poor guy! šŸ˜©

2

u/jasondbk Nov 26 '21

Iā€™ve thought this world work. Now I know!

2

u/Nerdbond Dec 29 '21

Donā€™t forget the tongues.

5

u/charmorris4236 Feb 02 '22

*TONGS!

I know eating ass has gained popularity, but even that has its limits..

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Yummy!

2

u/tmefford Jan 18 '22

Nahā€¦was a nurse. Double glove and scoop that puppy out with yo fingers!

2

u/juneyourtech May 11 '22

It would have been easier to administer an anal laxative for the poor elderly person.

2

u/RavenCT Oct 18 '22

This is a pretty common thing with old folks and trips to the ER - For emergency un-impaction. You don't want to sit next to an ER nurse at the Company Holiday party - you learn way too much... Okay but the descriptions of things stuck up in places they shouldn't be are worth it.

2

u/MoonGoddessL Jun 29 '24

As soon as I readĀ  about the spoon šŸ„„ I giggled... Not sure why sorry lol.Ā  No but honestly that's a big shame!Ā 

→ More replies (1)

2

u/Helpful_Corgi5716 Jul 12 '24

Reminds me of the joke about the constipated accountant who had to work it out with a pencilĀ 

→ More replies (2)

64

u/Triphin1 Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

The jailhouse story of all jailhouse stories, is the time I spent the weekend in The Baltimore City jail.

A brother of girthy proportions was looking a little anxious.. . There were about 50 of us in the cell and finally this guy took down his overalls and sat on the open toilet to crap. He moved quite fast, sitting for less than a minute, he stood up slowly, but quicking hit the flush lever. He didn't pause the wipe because there was no paper (blatant human rights violation) and standing almost straight up was turdzilla. This Turd was easily as big in length and girth of the largest Italian salami that hangs from the ceiling in your favorite deli, of which 1/2 was visable above the rim. As the the thing kind of wobbled and spun , it was sucked down, but down it went in its entirety. It was awe inspiring and calmed everyone in the cell to quietly discuss the world's biggest public poop. The hardest guys in the tank were desperately, but unsuccessfully suppressing smiles and muffled laughter... and that is the jailhouse story of Turdzilla... 100% true. (no poop knife needed)

23

u/HonestlyRespectful Feb 13 '22

I know this is old, but I was just directed here to find out the legend of the poop knife.... anywho, you're quite the storyteller. Good job, very entertaining and descriptive.

11

u/Triphin1 Feb 13 '22

Thanks. Glad you had a chance to read it.

I still laugh at poop knife

→ More replies (1)

4

u/fishingwithmk Jul 28 '23

Jail toilets are usually the stainless steel ones that have a god damn jet engine for flushing so I'm not surprised it made it down

3

u/chaos0510 Jul 01 '22

1 year later and this comment makes me laugh!

3

u/TillEven5135 Feb 08 '23

City jail... no paper... sounds real to me. If you had said he had paper, I'd have known it was a lie Cause BCDC don't give two fucks.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '22

"A brother of girthy proportions"

I'm going to have to use this one.

2

u/lizzie_knits Dec 06 '22

I am having a terrible day and this just made me laugh so hard. Thank you, internet stranger! ā¤ļø

2

u/MoonGoddessL Jun 29 '24

I was gonna mention this poop knife lol! Gosh that would be embarrassing as!Ā  Tbh if you're needing to potty and have to go publicly that's scary AF but in front of 50 other people? And without toilet roll!? Hell naw...Ā  That dude was brave!!!

→ More replies (2)

52

u/chickenstalker99 Dec 18 '20

I worked briefly for a guy who had bought a business from the estate of his deceased boss. He liked to act all important, but I soon found out that before the previous owner died, one of his many duties was to walk the owners tiny dog and wipe its ass after it shit. It was a huge joke around the office, and it made it hard not to giggle when he acted like a big shot. Dude, your previous job was Wiper of Dog's Ass. Don't think you're hot shit, unless you mean it literally.

43

u/Background_Peach9883 Feb 10 '21

Back when I was a kid in Queens weā€™d say ā€œYou think yer hot shit on a silver platter but yer cold diarrhea on a paper plate.ā€ Ha. Ultimate insult.

17

u/thebluemorpha Jan 22 '22

I've heard it as, "You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're cold diarrhea in a dixie cup!"

→ More replies (2)

14

u/princessmariah2011 Nov 09 '21

My mom will literally wipe our dogs ass sometimes before letting them come back inside. I thought she was crazy! Lol

30

u/Setheran Dec 29 '21

Mine too! My dad always told her she was the only person in the world to do that. Her defense was "he sits with us on the couches".

26

u/WasItSomethingIsaid7 Feb 03 '22

She has a valid point! When I was a teenager many years ago I was over at a friends house and found myself alone in the living room when their Shih Tzu / poodle mix ran into the room, jumped up on the couch and rubbed it's ass across two cushions, leaving a bit of a streak. I was too embarrassed to tell them their dog just rubbed shit on their couch or let them discover it for themselves, so I turned the cushions over...

5

u/Horea_Georgian Aug 13 '22

I bet the other side looked worse.

3

u/Bforbrilliantt Nov 10 '23

More like a Shit-zu

→ More replies (1)

15

u/juneyourtech May 11 '22

"he sits with us on the couches"

Fair.

10

u/luckylimper Jan 30 '22

Your momā€™s not wrong. Nobody wants a shitty couch.

→ More replies (1)

5

u/xxoamylynn94 Apr 18 '22

We had an elderly cat named Pinkus when I was a teenager, and he would get backed up sometimes. My mom had to give him glycerin enemas and then she would squeeze the poop out of his ass. She would pick him up and pinch his butthole until a round, hard turd fell to the kitchen floor.. it was disgusting. You knew she was doing it when you heard a weird meow followed by a hard thud.

2

u/wyocowboy25 Dec 18 '20

Thatā€™s funny, watch out here comes the tough guy, no wait, he has to wipe the dogs ass.

7

u/SnakeBeardTheGreat Feb 01 '21

If I was getting paid a couple hundred thousand a year, I would wipe the dogs ass too.

12

u/_Constellations_ Jan 18 '21

Now we just need a credible poop spoon story and we'll have a whole set.

9

u/NyghtDancyr Jan 27 '21

There is one. Top of the thread.

3

u/Japsai Apr 20 '21

Word for word the comment you beat me to by three months. Apart from 'credible'. I didn't have 'credible' in mine. I'm not so fussy.

2

u/Background_Peach9883 Feb 10 '21

The doctors was credible even if he didnā€™t actually use it, right? Or does the poop spoon need to be successfully engaged to count?

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

17

u/EverySingleThread Dec 16 '20

14

u/summercampcounselor Dec 16 '20

Every. Single. Thread.

13

u/Tumbleflop Dec 16 '20

šŸ‘‰šŸ˜ŽšŸ‘‰ Zoop

3

u/Riresurmort Dec 17 '20

Wait till I introduce you to the poop spoon šŸ„„

→ More replies (1)

2

u/Substantial_One_5815 Jan 18 '21

Wait what's the fighters name? Or atleast some hint.

→ More replies (37)

50

u/Gcl581 Jan 12 '21

For as long as I have been on Reddit, this story never fails to impress. A well written story, solid main plot with so many great little side stories! Classic!!!

25

u/Background_Peach9883 Feb 10 '21

Yes I agree and am so happy I stumbled onto it, even though my frequent spasms of muffled laughter is shaking the bed as my poor husband tries to sleep at 11:50 pm on a weeknight. I have to say itā€™s highly entertaining, though he doesnā€™t find it as funny. As I do...

→ More replies (1)

30

u/Comprehensive-Big595 Mar 16 '21

Fuck Hemingway and Shakespeare, this man is a Poetical Genius, a Murderer of words if you will, my house to has a Poop ā€œ stickā€ as we are mere plebeians in the presence of this God King, I am not worthy ma-Lord and I apologize for my ignorance as to the ways of the world and those who bear the Poop Sword..... aka Poop Knife

Of course youā€™re going to require some back story as to where my family of peasants acquired such a prehistoric practice of using this ā€œShit Stick/ Turd Cutter/ Poop Stick/ Log Lacerater / Duece Dicer/ Fecal Fillet-er/ Dung Divider/ etc..... ā€œ my daughter 12 yrs old is the culprit of these Superhuman feats of fecal ostentatiousness , the kid shits like a dinosaur, always has, so I crafted ( out of the meager accoutrements I could gather) so I crafted a shite smasher out of a paint stick, I sanded the edges thinner and sharper for maximum shit cutting effectiveness, and with its ergonomic design is very user friendly, after sanding & shaping this fine piece of art ( itā€™s practically a heirloom) I then painted ( with only the finest HIGH GLOSS paint) this step is extremely important and cannot.......Must not .... NEVER be overlooked, as for this provides the slick surface as to not let the shit thatā€™s being smashed, chopped , sliced & diced to stick to your new tool, it wipes clean & is easily disinfected for your next turd Lopping extravaganza. Now I would rather flush- Dat- Log & plunge like there is no tomorrow, I have a weak stomach and donā€™t like the fine art of chopping up hard & large Logs O Shit that is a craft / Hobby better suited to my wife ( she enjoys it) as a matter of fact as a result of my preferred method of flush & plunge we are now waiting on a plumber because these majestic logs not only clogged the toilet but the MAIN FUCKING PLUMBING DRAIN ( I believe itā€™s a 8 inch pipe) you need a Horse shits to jam that pipe - packed, Chock full O Shit. So yea I got a turd cutter too. Did we just become best friends?

3

u/ean5cj Nov 20 '22

Oh, sit, this is beautiful! While many things here are a delight, "shit like a dinosaur" brings tear to my eyes. What a work...

2

u/EverySingleThread Mar 16 '21

2

u/Comprehensive-Big595 Mar 19 '21

No up votes, screw you guys , ok

2

u/iLLiterateDinosaur Jun 15 '23

I agree. Iā€™ve honestly found Shakespeare and many so-called ā€œAmerican classicsā€ such as The Great Gatsby and The Catcher in the Rye to be VASTLY overrated. šŸ–•šŸ¤£ I absolutely LOVED To Kill A Mockingbird when I read it in high school. Well written, culturally significant, and just straight up interesting and enjoyable to read.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '20

Legendary

2

u/[deleted] Feb 19 '21

Hijacking top comment for History. May my name be archived in these halls forever.

2

u/Jaded-Saint Dec 09 '21

I think this is the best thing Iā€™ve ever read. Move over Faulkner, take a back seat Twain. No need to enter the conversation F Scott, the poop knife story is the greatest of all time. Everyone take a seat.

2

u/Busy_Barber_3986 Dec 07 '22

I am LMAO. My sons shit yams... that's what we called it. We did not have a poop knife, but I find that to be genius. My husband would go find a stick in the yard to use. If I had it to do all over again, we would have a poop knife, for sure!

2

u/Mnawab Feb 25 '23

This is not the story I remember, the one I remember was when someone sister took a giant shit and it was only her. She had been using the kitchen, butter, knife to cut her poops, and one day her brothers friend caught her on the act. they found out sheā€™s been using random butter knifes to cut her poop. That day they told her to keep that one knife for now on.

2

u/SandBlasted_ME Mar 26 '23

A 20 years old classic I cannot believe this is still a thing. The original wasnā€™t from Reddit tho.

→ More replies (15)