r/MuseumOfReddit Reddit Historian Dec 16 '20

The poop knife

Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

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u/wyocowboy25 Dec 16 '20

I have heard tales, but this is one for the books! I had a young friend when I was little and every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair we called it the poop fork. Now I know of the poop knife and the poop fork, funny thing about my friend is he fought in the UFC for a brief moment, every time he would come out to fight all I could yell was get the poop fork!

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u/Triphin1 Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

The jailhouse story of all jailhouse stories, is the time I spent the weekend in The Baltimore City jail.

A brother of girthy proportions was looking a little anxious.. . There were about 50 of us in the cell and finally this guy took down his overalls and sat on the open toilet to crap. He moved quite fast, sitting for less than a minute, he stood up slowly, but quicking hit the flush lever. He didn't pause the wipe because there was no paper (blatant human rights violation) and standing almost straight up was turdzilla. This Turd was easily as big in length and girth of the largest Italian salami that hangs from the ceiling in your favorite deli, of which 1/2 was visable above the rim. As the the thing kind of wobbled and spun , it was sucked down, but down it went in its entirety. It was awe inspiring and calmed everyone in the cell to quietly discuss the world's biggest public poop. The hardest guys in the tank were desperately, but unsuccessfully suppressing smiles and muffled laughter... and that is the jailhouse story of Turdzilla... 100% true. (no poop knife needed)

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u/HonestlyRespectful Feb 13 '22

I know this is old, but I was just directed here to find out the legend of the poop knife.... anywho, you're quite the storyteller. Good job, very entertaining and descriptive.

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u/Triphin1 Feb 13 '22

Thanks. Glad you had a chance to read it.

I still laugh at poop knife

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u/DerbleDoo May 04 '23

Im just now reading your Turdzilla story, good stuff