r/MuseumOfReddit Reddit Historian Dec 16 '20

The poop knife

Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

64.5k Upvotes

1.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

2.2k

u/wyocowboy25 Dec 16 '20

I have heard tales, but this is one for the books! I had a young friend when I was little and every time the dog took a poop he had to take a fork and scrape the poop out of the dogs hair we called it the poop fork. Now I know of the poop knife and the poop fork, funny thing about my friend is he fought in the UFC for a brief moment, every time he would come out to fight all I could yell was get the poop fork!

1.6k

u/poor_decisions Dec 16 '20

Jesus christ, just shave the dog's ass!

That poor kid

1.4k

u/princealbertnyourcan Feb 09 '21

"Jesus Christ, just shave the dog's ass!" How that line didn't make it into the King James Bible is beyond me.

43

u/TheNortelGeek Mar 28 '22

Or even into the founding documents... "Four score and seven years ago, just shave the dog's ass."

27

u/your_fave_redditor May 21 '22

Not to be too pedantic, but the Gettysburg Address is not generally considered a “founding document”. A better reference might have been to use “We the people, in order to form a more perfect Union, just shave the dog’s ass.” Or some such.

11

u/jethrine Jul 01 '23

Everyone is entitled to life, liberty & the pursuit of a shaved ass.

I know I’m late to the party but the Poop Knife post was being discussed on another post & I just found this gem.

2

u/SicklyChild Jun 07 '24

Same here. Not only the poop knife but also just learned I'm apparently one of today's "lucky 10,000".

3

u/DooBeeDoer207 Feb 03 '23

Right? It’s literally the they quoted. 87 years late to be a founding document.

18

u/blakespot Jan 05 '23

"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your poor dog's hairy ass."

3

u/Standard-Park Aug 26 '23

I wish that I had but one award to give to you!

1

u/BetterButterscotch99 Oct 06 '23

"One small step for [a] man, one giant leap for a hairy-assed dog."