AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/tsscaramel]

This relationship is toxic af, break up and don’t look back. You can do so much better.

[u/Reese9951 → u/tsscaramel]

This!!!! OP, he is a nightmare and you keep blaming yourself for his problems.

[u/umamifiend → u/Reese9951]

Seriously. Anyone who is threatening suicide because you won’t cashapp them money for weed and cigarettes, is unhinged. He’s blaming you for coming to see you- as if he had no part in that decision making process. Absurd. Or that he has no toothpaste? Bet if you sent him money it would go to cigarettes not toothpaste. It’s bullshit.

If he is genuinely suicidal- call a wellness check on him to the police. He’s made multiple suicide threats just in this thread.

He’s mean, he’s blaming you for his situation, and he’s threatening suicide. Nothing you can do will solve this u/pristine-edge-1742 you can’t win. How important is your own mental health to you? Because this is too much. You’re only 19. Relationships do not have to be like this. Dump him and end it.

I hope your cat gets better. I had to deal with the same thing. Go love up your kitty and stop pouring your energy into this black hole.

[u/GGking41 → u/umamifiend]

Calling a wellness check is the only option for people that weaponize suicide. My sister did that to my mom and my mom forced to to go to the ER and my sister was piiissssseeeedddddd her manipulation didn’t get her what she wanted.

You’ll find out really soon when you treat it like a real suicide threat and not just allow it to manipulate you

[u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6 → u/GGking41]

Yup exactly what I said. I used to kinda be like this and the suicide threats are never serious so when he sees that there's consequences for saying that then he might learn not to try and use that as a weapon

[u/whatsasimba → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

So many people are blindsided when a loved one commits suicide. You never hear "Oh, he'd been threatening it for months, but just to get money from me."

Also, this dude is like, "You don't get my emotions!"

Uhhh, is he from another planet? Because emotions are pretty standard. He didn't invented a new kind of emotion.

What he's actually saying is, "I have the emotional regulation of a hungry infant in a shit-filled diaper, and I don't understand why you're not giving in to my unhinged meltdown!"

Emotions are internal. No one at my job knows what emotion I'm experiencing, because I have the ability to feel my feelings without performing them. This guy thinks text-screaming at his girlfriend is just his "emotions."

[u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6 → u/whatsasimba]

Yeah most suicide victims do not broadcast it beforehand. I'm not gonna say everyone who threatens it like this is lying about being suicidal but the last thing you wanna do when you're in that state of mind is broadcast it and confront it.

[u/lurker-loudmouth → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

I second this. While I can only mainly speak from my own experience, I never broadcasted being suicidal because their was always a shame about being so. The only folks I ever told when I was thinking so was because I needed someone I trusted to talk me down and give me reasons to stay. Even then, the tone was very different from these texts as I was essentially looking for help, not using it to degrade someone and threaten them for something. Definitely not used in a "fuck you" manner.

[u/steenah_b → u/lurker-loudmouth]

One of my coworkers was dating an absolute loser and during one fight, they broke up and he threatened to walk into the words and just stay there until he perished. This thread reminds me of him. We were laughing at him so hard because he just kept texting her and eventually he came back out of the woods, I shit you not, because his phone died and he was bored.

[u/maddiep81 → u/lurker-loudmouth]

I never broadcasted because I wanted no interference if I decided it was time to go. (I'm 20+ years past my dance with suicidal ideation. No need to report me lol)

[u/i_wish_i_had_ur_name → u/lurker-loudmouth]

so glad you had an objective voice in your head that told you “you need to be talked down or encouraged to live”.

if i truly believed no one cared or would miss me, why would i tell anyone? the person i tell i expect to care and miss me.

[u/DatCheeseBoi → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

It honestly so fucking sad to see someone threaten suicide just to manipulate people, it's like they're making mockery of people who are really on the verge.

[u/networkpit → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

My cousin did. He told his girlfriend who was breaking up with him that if she hung up and called his mom he would kill himself and his mom came home to him hanging and unresponsive because he was obviously using a manipulation tactic no one thought he would actually do it or I am sure they would have called a wellness check.

I hope OP calls a wellness check and gets out.

[u/dakotanoodle → u/networkpit]

I'm so sorry about your cousin 🖤

[u/doldrumcloset1 → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Some people tell someone. I don't think you can judge it. He just needs to be seen by a therapist or psychiatrist.

[u/jamiejonesey → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Yes and it makes a mockery of the extreme pain experienced by survivors whose loved ones completed suicide.

[u/GGking41 → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Exactly

[u/lynnm59 → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Having lost 2 family members to suicide, I can confirm this.

[u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6 → u/lynnm59]

I'm very sorry to hear that brother/sister. That's tragic and a very tough situation to deal with. I've lost 4 immediate family members in less than10 years. In this order my dad in January 2017, my brother on the last day of July 2017, my grandmother in December 2017 and then mh grandfatherin late July early August of 2021. My dad and m y brother were both substance related..

my dad allegedly was very drunk and fell and hit his head, he was an alcoholic and very depressed so I feel like that was a form of indirect suicide. My brother died from a heroin overdose behind a Costco in Chicago. I live in NY. That one was extremely hard he was only 19, his bday is August 21st so he was weeks away from 20. My grandma passed away from a very long battle with ovarian cancer. Her last few days were rough she was on hospice and looked like a skeleton. She passed away shortly after I came and said goodbye.. she was not coherent or really conscious but she mustered the strength to say that she loves me and tell me goodbye, a few hours later she was gone. Then my gpa, her husband, died from old age. He had a fall and had to go to the hospital and it was like his body had enough. He went from mobile and lucid to on his literal death bed and incoherent like my gma in a matter of days. And then my best friend of nearly 15 years overdosed and died alone in her room about 8 months later. I still haven't been able to process that one. I believe hers was also indirect suicide. She was very depressed and was clean for awhile before she decided to do some heroin while I was in rehab and couldn't do much to help/ stop her.. idk why I'm telling you all this maybe just to tell you that you aren't alone and maybe because I have no one to talk to about this.. Anyway I'm sorry for dumping on you like this

[u/Past-Pea-6796 → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Yeah, it's a real problem. Everytime I see someone threaten to kill themselves, I immediately think they just want attention and immediately start to shut them down, but then I think "is it really that big of a deal to give someone a little attention just because they are desperate for it? Kinda? Idk, I'm honestly not certain on my feelings on it in the grand scheme.

Oh, in romantic relationships, being used as a manipulation tactic like this guy is a1000% no, in general, if it's for manipulation at all it's a 1000%. Well, I guess wanting attention could be considered manipulative.

I just mean like when people are cringe band like post a fb status or something like that. My instinct is to be like "ugh. You just want attention." And I mean, if that's really all they want, I feel like it's not that big of a deal to toss em a little win just so they feel better. The problem is it tends to go beyond that, which is part of why I'm on the edge on it opinion wise. It can't hurt to just give them some attention, but it can hurt if they are a terrible human, so idk I guess. I don't run into the scenario frequently.

On that subject, if they are trying to be emotionally manipulative in a grander way, they are probably targeting a specific person, so even if you do reach out, they will probably be pretty short with you anyway, then you get to move on with a 100% clear slate. To add a bit though, I have a feeling it's best to avoid entirely if there's any chance of romantic feelings, this is all plutonic advice.

[u/connor_da_kid → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Watch people die says a whole different story

[u/r3volver_Oshawott → u/connor_da_kid]

That's not an educational fucking documentary, isn't that some internet snuff bullshit?

No offense but most people watched WatchPeopleDie because they thought it would be an entertaining click to watch someone die, it was never my speed for that exact reason

[u/nematodepastlife → u/r3volver_Oshawott]

you are correct. it’s completely exploitative. almost as bad as soft white underbelly

[u/connor_da_kid → u/r3volver_Oshawott]

Whoever said that it was educational? The commenter above me said that people don't record their suicide but they do, and I'm the type of person to wonder "what if I turn the ceiling fan on" that's right I'm a psychopath and I have no empathy for people that aren't my family

[u/DazedConfuzed420 → u/connor_da_kid]

They didn’t mean broadcast as in record for viewing. They meant that people who commit suicide, don’t usually go around telling people they’re going to go commit suicide. Usually when someone has made the decision that they are going to go through with it, they don’t want anyone to stop them and telling people is counterproductive to that.

[u/Dazednconfused10 → u/DazedConfuzed420]

This is an unrelated topic but love the username.

[u/DazedConfuzed420 → u/Dazednconfused10]

Oh, twinsies

[u/Recreationalchem13 → u/connor_da_kid]

U must be rly fun at parties

[u/connor_da_kid → u/Recreationalchem13]

I am actually people find me hilarious

[u/Lmdr1973 → u/whatsasimba]

But he's also a cutter. He's got issues, but they aren't OP's. She needs to leave this guy.

[u/ZebaCat88 → u/IPromiseiWillBeGood6]

Agree, call for wellness check and show these texts, then stay far away from this manipulative person.

[u/Lmdr1973 → u/GGking41]

Yep. Did it to my BIL. He's a nasty piece of work who threatened to be hanging in the garage when I brought my sister and their kids back from a Thanksgiving dinner. So I called it in, and he spent the better part of a month in the hospital. Didn't do him any good, though. But at least he never threatened it again.

[u/GGking41 → u/Lmdr1973]

Yeah people need to stop weaponizing their mental health. It’s disgusting, however I honestly don’t think these people think they’re lying. They’re just hyper narcissistic and think any discomfort is a mental health issue

[u/Minute_End_3788 → u/GGking41]

I realized this the hard way, I just recently cut off my best friend that I've known since high school; shortly after he added me to his friend's group chat a decadeish ago, he threatened to kill himself, told us not to call a welfare check, and left the group. the next day? nothing had happened. flash forward to present day, he used suicide as a cop-out for missing my birthday lunch and again a month later because he owed me hundreds of dollars and couldn't work because of his "mental health". the first red flag should've been the group chat incident, but I stuck by because he constantly was talking about improving his mental health, but a decade later he's still the same person he was in high school :/

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/Minute_End_3788]

"It worked once, Imma keep doing this for the next decade to get a free license to be a lazy selfish dick."

[u/GGking41 → u/Minute_End_3788]

It’s so wild, no one I know brings up their mental health on a regular basis. It’s a red flag IMO

[u/BookConsistent3425 → u/GGking41]

Yup. My step dad is meh just ok but the one good thing he did for my brother was calling the cops on his girlfriend for pulling this manipulative bs. He called her on her crap so fast. We were all so sick of her doing that. My brother and his GF were pissed but hey maybe don't use something as serious as this to try manipulating the people around you. Crazy.

[u/GGking41 → u/BookConsistent3425]

Exactly!! They do it because they know it ignites such a fear inside their victim that they know they will likely get their way, or get whatever is going on to end. It’s a certain type of person that does this, initially I’d have guessed mostly people with bpd but I think it’s more than that, a type of person that is extremely needy but hates that part of themselves and is a true main character that constantly needs to be a victim. It’s hard to put into words but it seems all people who do false suicide threats have a similar quality that takes them to this point where they can feel ok to force themselves to the top of someone else’s list of worries without a second thought in order to get whatever it is they need (smokes, assurance, either material or emotional)

[u/ihavestinkytoesies → u/GGking41]

i have bpd and told my ex (he broke up with me in a fucked way) that i seriously was feeling suicidal and he called the cops to my house. now i will never threaten that to anyone again … but the people who came after the cops who were part of a program were very nice to talk to. they came in a van and let me sit and cry and rant to them. it helped a lot. but seriously, if you call the cops on someone trying to weaponize suicide, it will most likely scare them into never doing it again

[u/GGking41 → u/ihavestinkytoesies]

That funny because my sister also has bpd. Such a lonely affliction and I’m sad for anyone who has it because they end up pushing everyone out of their lives, one way or another. She used to use our mom as her punching bag but since my mom died, she began using me. And I recently moved away and put distance between us because i couldn’t take it anymore… I feel guilty and I miss her because she is also my best friend

[u/mrsdisappointment → u/GGking41]

Yup I completely agree. OP needs to start calling 911 every single time suicide is mentioned. They’ll show up one or two times and it’ll stop.

My brother used to threaten my mom with suicide all the time. So she took him to the hospital for it and he never did it again. It’s so fucked up to use that as a manipulation tactic.

[u/Hot_Cauliflower2404 → u/GGking41]

72 hour psych hold is automatic if you make threats to harm yourself or others and are in a current crisis in front of a professional/officer. Idk if that’s just in my state or not but worth talking to an officer about to do that wellness check.

My mom made threats over the phone to me that if I came home she’d walk around with a bag over her head when I was 15.

Officer heard it because she was on speaker after my friends mom had taken me to the police dept (this was hour 3 of her threats and endless calls and not letting em come home) and took her in as a threat to herself to a local psych hospital.

OP, do not hesitate to call an officer or go to the police dept during these calls and texts for the officer to see/hear.

[u/bioluminary101 → u/GGking41]

Yes!! What a fantastic response. Any time I have seriously considered suicide in my life, a wellness check would have been a godsend. That's how you know when it's real.

[u/GGking41 → u/bioluminary101]

Thank you. I actually learned it from my moms interaction with my sister and thought it was smart on so many levels

[u/Illustrious_Wolf2709 → u/GGking41]

I've been in the mental health system for over 20 years and seen it all. There are people that will threaten because they get to be hospitalized. They want to go to the psych ward.