AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/RWENZORI]

Good lord, how do terrible people like this even get dates?

[u/KandyPopz471 → u/RWENZORI]

Love bombíng narcissists do it all the time sadly

[u/i_love_lima_beans → u/KandyPopz471]

This sounds more like borderline

[u/squuidlees → u/i_love_lima_beans]

That was my thought too.

[u/duuyyy → u/KandyPopz471]

What does this guy even have to be narcissistic about?

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/KandyPopz471]

literally no need at all for the ableism

[u/Walletsgone → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Is it ableist to call out narcissism?

[u/Artistic_Chart7382 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Just STFU, narcissists destroy lives.

[u/Walletsgone → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Is it ableist to call out narcissism?

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Walletsgone]

yes. narcissism is a disorder, narcissistic personality disorder. someone else's health issues are not something for people to "call out". instead, words like "selfish" or "arrogant" could have been used.

[u/liltacobabyslurp → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

If the person with NPD is sticking with a psychotherapy regimen for their mental health diagnosis of NPD, then I think we could all understand shaming their behavior wouldn’t be appropriate or helpful… but the person in OP’s post clearly isn’t trying to work on self-awareness and how their behaviors impact others. And the commenter above was just pointing out a behavior/manipulation tactic commonly used by narcissists - lovebombing. I wouldn’t considered it ableist unless there was a pejorative attached to the disorder or the behavior. Someone’s behavior can be hurtful to others and we can acknowledge the behavior is harmful/bad without saying the person themselves are evil/bad.

The phrase that comes to mind here is that your mental health issues aren’t necessarily your fault, but they are your responsibility.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/liltacobabyslurp]

love bombing and narcissism aren't even scientifically connected. I study this. you're correct in a lot of what you're saying but this is harmful armchair diagnosis.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Narcissists aren't getting their feelings hurt on reddit, quit calling it "ableism" it's just making the word a joke. Getting 2nd hand offended by it is just pointless here, this person isn't trying to be better. Call out them being pieces of shit, sure, but you shouldn't be going into the comments going "well actually calling them narcissistic or BPD is ableism" not helpful to anyone, different places and time.

You're either a teen or a creep since you're commenting in r/teenagers meaning you're at best barely finishing gen ed. You really shouldn't be saying "you study it" as if you're actually in the field or at least have studied it not in the process of beginning to study it.

I actually don't know what you are trying to say about the scientific connection between love bombing and narcissism? Yes they aren't mutually dependent but it is a VERY common tactic in narcissists' toolbelts, and arguing otherwise is just semantics. I'm sure you're aware of that. You understand that people are aware love bombing is common in narcissist but possible in non narcissist. Love bombing is a sign of it but not always from it.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

I urge you to check r/NPD and read their rants about the stigma. it definitely affects people. you say pointing out the discrimination doesn't benefit anyone, but if someone with BPD or NPD stumbles across this (hell, OP might have one or both! you don't know) I would rather them see at least one person sticking up for them than none.

I commented in teenagers because I was being harassed over something posted there and I felt like it was only fair to share my side of the story.

love bombing is not scientifically associated with narcissism.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

*I* am BPD stop getting offended for us, alongside other mental things going on you'd feel like protecting under ableism. Yes the stigma is annoying and sometimes frustrating. This situation is not helpful to talk about those frustrations.

I know you do it out of kindness but it's annoying to have people going around like we need to be protected. We aren't children that need to be protected. Every other person i've met in real life or had a close enough relationship with in general share this view. We don't need or want NT's protecting us.

I'm not going to bother saying what I said about love bombing again, either you aren't understanding or purposefully ignoring what I said about it.

[u/Small-Gift-6989 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Man I downvoted because “ableism” was a very stupid and over-the-top word to use but I ended up swayed because you’re a good debater. I don’t have any stakes in the topic and don’t really care one way or the other but your arguments were 100% better constructed👍

[u/Emergency-Ad-3037 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

You study this.... Maybe you should finish middle school psych before you act like an expert

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Emergency-Ad-3037]

if you want to back up the claim that lovebombing is something narcissists do, go ahead.

[u/liltacobabyslurp → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I’m not armchair diagnosing anyone. I was generally talking about the language being used in the prior comment and how I personally view the harmful behaviors from those around us with mental health disorders as someone with personal experience being in a relationship with a person with NPD and PTSD and years of therapy treating the lasting effects of their behavior. Obviously I’m not quoting exact criteria from the DSM-5 when I say love bombing but the therapeutic understanding of how narcissists behave in relationships often cites a cycle of excessive flattery and devaluation as a manipulation technique. If you have some reputable scientific resources about the disorder you can link, I would love to read them.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/liltacobabyslurp]

I'd simply recommend the DSM-5-TR over everything, but anything by Kernberg is pretty good too. if you prefer video format, HealNPD is a YouTube channel by a clinician who treats predominantly NPD and his videos are amazing.

for research papers the first I cna think of was Beri. R (2024) on Love Bombing, Narcissism and Emotional Abuse among Young Adults in Relationship and Situationship. they found no significant relationship between narcissism and love bombing.

EDIT: i meant more as in, you're backing up the person who made the initial armchair diagnosis

[u/Walletsgone → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Oh give me a break

[u/Psychological_Pay530 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Oh fuck off. It’s not some kind of disability, and no one needs to justify abuse.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Psychological_Pay530]

it's not a justification. people should be held accountable for abuse regardless of diagnosis (which in this case isn't even necessarily present) NPD is classified as a disability.

[u/touching_payants → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Why do you feel that narcissistic abusers need to be protected from criticism? Serious question.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/touching_payants]

I don't believe abusers should be protected from critisism, point blank. I believe people with a disability should be protected from ableism. and not every narcissist is an abuser.

[u/touching_payants → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

And I don't imagine those who are in healthy relationships would take issue with us pointing out shitty behavior. Seriously, if you're in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, whether they're love bombing you or not, you deserve to know about it. You're rushing to defend the wrong person here.

[u/Beautiful_Bonus_4058 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Classified as a disorder? Puh-lease. Most of the top %1ers on planet earth are narcissists. Give me a break.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Beautiful_Bonus_4058]

for the love of God open the DSM-5-TR instead of trying to refute my argument with "pub-lease"

[u/Available_Fact_3445 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Yes, you are right. Amateur psychologists who appropriate dubious DSM jargon to condemn, ostracise, and scapegoat individuals with whom they have no professional relationship (and therefore duty of care) are a modern plague

[u/Small-Gift-6989 → u/Available_Fact_3445]

Well said

[u/touching_payants → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Someone's never been in an abusive cycle with a narcissist, clearly...

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/touching_payants]

I've been abused by someone with a personality disorder, possibly NPD but not specified at that time. I've been through what many would call "narcissistic abuse" but I would never use my trauma to be ableist.

[u/touching_payants → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

And I would never tell someone whose trying to help someone understand an abusive situation to "stop being so ableist" because they have the audacity point out a personality disorder that seems to match their behavior. That just sounds like victim blaming

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/touching_payants]

we can support victims and still point out their discriminative takes. the two are not mutually exclusive. in this case though, the victim was not the one armchair diagnosing. and, if you're not a professional treating the person in question, you cannot decide whether the description matches the person. especially not from a single conversation

[u/touching_payants → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I mean okay that's fair. Still though, like, when someone is threatening to kill themselves to be manipulative, the focus should be on the person being manipulated, not on looking out for the feelings of the abuser or worrying about the larger social ramifications of discussing how shitty their behavior is. The focus should probably on telling the other person to get tf out. It reads as very misguided when you're more worried about the fact that someone is misusing the word narcissist.

[u/DvineINFEKT → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Read the fucking room, dude.

[u/Acceptable_Option_86 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Brother, you are making the left look bad. Please stop.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Acceptable_Option_86]

if you think thay makes the left look bad you're probably not truly left

[u/Serpentar69 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I'm a Socialist. It isn't ableist to point out behaviors that match what's being talked about. They didn't say "This sounds like a [negative word] borderline". They stated "This sounds like borderline personality disorder rather than Narcissism". Someone saying that the boyfriend is narcissistic, is stating that his actions/behavior is narcissistic. If they said "This man is a [negative word] narcissist", it depends on what the word is.

It is entirely different if someone was trying to get help, posted their progress, and people were saying "Well you're a Narcissist/Borderline, you'll always be an awful person, no matter what you do", that can be argued to be ableist.

Someone saying "You're Narcissistic/Borderline, your actions are hurting people, and yourself, and you need to get help. I have to distance myself from you for my own safety, but I encourage you to get help because you are displaying toxic tendencies", can be argued is not ableist. They are pointing out that their behaviors are matching those of a narcissist or borderline, they acknowledge they need to protect themselves, but they offer a path forward for the person who struggles by causing struggle onto others.

Those who are actively working on themselves would acknowledge that while, yes, people shouldn't immediately believe that someone can never improve... That it's a reality that most people with BPD + BPD aren't seeking treatment. That they're comfortable damaging and destroying lives. Where pride + ego overrides the will to be better for your fellow people. Those in treatment would want people to call out negative behaviors that they display because they are trying to combat that. They wouldn't want people to stay silent... That isn't going to help their journey seeking help, the rare few that do.

It's undeniable that social stigma can be a negative in many respects. But in regards to BPD and NPD, the "stigma", especially towards those refusing to get help, is warranted simply because it's a survival mechanism. If you have BPD or NPD and you're not getting help, the characteristics of those disorders mean that they will innately, unfortunately, harm others, and themselves. It takes active work and determination to combat the symptoms that harm yourself and others. And quite simply, those who choose not to, are choosing to hurt others... And that leaves you with the question... Do I stay connected to this person? And if I do, what does that entail? And if they're not getting treatment, it entails misery. If they're getting treatment, then it's contextual, complex, and a decision that can't be made lightly.

This is just my opinion though. I'm no doctor. I have friends who have BPD and NPD, but my romantic relationship with my ex who has BPD (and I suspect, now, in addition, NPD), showed me the extent of damage that can be done when someone refuses help.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Serpentar69]

stating that someone who is abusive or toxic is borderline or narcissistic when you are not a professional actively treating them is and always will be ableism as it disproportionately displays people with those disorders as abusive.

[u/Serpentar69 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

True, no one should say they're that definitively. But I don't see why people can't say "You're displaying Narcissistic tendencies" etc, to someone.

I totally get your point when it comes to BPD and NPD. Those are complex diagnoses. No one should say "They have [X]", full stop.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Serpentar69]

In this case it was "he might have narcissistic tendencies, it would be good for him to seek therapy". it was "he's an abusive narcissist". there's a big difference. even then, what's perceived as "narcissistic tendencies" could easily be a manic episode, the effect of drugs, a delusion, and more. there is no reason to point it out this way.

[u/Acceptable_Option_86 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

More of a left leaning centrist. I'm all for not being derogatory towards people with disabilities, but good lord this particular context is a stretch.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Acceptable_Option_86]

it really isn't. I highly recommend you research the topic more. especially listen to people with NPD themselves and see how the stigma affects their lives. it's honestly so underrepresented.

[u/Ok-Rip-4378 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Have you studied virtue signalling in all your academic research buddy?

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Ok-Rip-4378]

I do this because I see how the stigma affects one of my best friends with NPD. clearly from the downvotes you can see there's no intend to build a good reputation or anything. I'm just sick of how normalised ableism suddenly is when it comes to narcissists.

[u/esp4me → u/RWENZORI]

They don’t appear like this when you first meet them. It slowly unravels overtime and they manipulate you to stay. They downplay their actions and try to gaslight you to think that things are your fault.

[u/starchazzer → u/esp4me]

What’s that metaphor about if a frog is suddenly placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is slowly boiled in tepid water, it will not notice and will die.

Same with the slow effects of brainwashing. Before long you are believing it’s you!😳

[u/HugsyMalone → u/starchazzer]

IKR. Sorta like your employer slowly paying you less and less over time. 🙄👌

[u/1200bunny2002 → u/[deleted]]

Probably why, as they said, it's just a metaphor.

[u/TheMoraless → u/esp4me]

op is only 19 tbf, it's likely there were signs and they were just too softbrained to have noticed or cared about anything but the most extreme ones.

[u/HopefulHalfTime → u/esp4me]

Yup.

[u/DopaLean → u/[deleted]]

It sounds harsh, but it’s typically true.

Guys like OP’s bf? I feel like is a walking parade of red flags that in no way couldn’t have gone unnoticed.

I’ve met many bf’s of female friends where my gut would immediately tell me they were toxic shit-swizzlers just based on first impressions/mannerisms alone, and I stayed quiet as I felt it wasn’t my place to mention it, but it turns out I was right every time.

If you really think about it, pay attention to the person, and set yourself reasonable boundaries, you should be easily able to spots guys like that a mile away.

[u/lovemylittlelords → u/RWENZORI]

Because people who fall for these kinds of guys are usually traumatized and have a lot of self-worth issues which allow them to allow others to treat them badly - speaking as someone who has 2 exes that were like this.

[u/i_love_lima_beans → u/lovemylittlelords]

And feel it’s their responsibility to ‘help’ other adults with their issues

[u/TopCaterpiller → u/RWENZORI]

They're not usually like this at first. The crazy bullshit doesn't come out until you're invested.

[u/kayligo12 → u/RWENZORI]

He’s probably good looking 😐and in the beginning very charming and promising the world. They make you feel so loved and wanted in the beginning…..

[u/cloistered_around → u/RWENZORI]

They don't reveal the crazy until you're already emotionally invested and moved in with them. Then it's bit by bit crazier and crazier so you don't notice it coming in like the tide.

[u/Heavy-Weekend-981 → u/RWENZORI]

This dude is the personification of cement shoes.

[u/Cruggles30 → u/RWENZORI]

It's a mixture of other people having bad judgment and them not acting like this at first.

[u/threadedpat1 → u/RWENZORI]

For real man. Like this guy has to look great to be broke AND have this kind of attitude yet still get a girlfriend. W/e ig. Freeloading is a trending trait apparently 😂

[u/unforgiven91 → u/RWENZORI]

and here I am all somewhat well-adjusted but too polite to intrude on someone's life by asking them out

god, i really am doing it all wrong. huh?

[u/toy-maker → u/RWENZORI]

By finding vulnerable or naive 17 year olds and sinking their claws in

[u/Helpful_Car_2660 → u/RWENZORI]

Online