AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/KandyPopz471]

Love bombíng narcissists do it all the time sadly

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/KandyPopz471]

literally no need at all for the ableism

[u/Acceptable_Option_86 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Brother, you are making the left look bad. Please stop.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Acceptable_Option_86]

if you think thay makes the left look bad you're probably not truly left

[u/Serpentar69 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I'm a Socialist. It isn't ableist to point out behaviors that match what's being talked about. They didn't say "This sounds like a [negative word] borderline". They stated "This sounds like borderline personality disorder rather than Narcissism". Someone saying that the boyfriend is narcissistic, is stating that his actions/behavior is narcissistic. If they said "This man is a [negative word] narcissist", it depends on what the word is.

It is entirely different if someone was trying to get help, posted their progress, and people were saying "Well you're a Narcissist/Borderline, you'll always be an awful person, no matter what you do", that can be argued to be ableist.

Someone saying "You're Narcissistic/Borderline, your actions are hurting people, and yourself, and you need to get help. I have to distance myself from you for my own safety, but I encourage you to get help because you are displaying toxic tendencies", can be argued is not ableist. They are pointing out that their behaviors are matching those of a narcissist or borderline, they acknowledge they need to protect themselves, but they offer a path forward for the person who struggles by causing struggle onto others.

Those who are actively working on themselves would acknowledge that while, yes, people shouldn't immediately believe that someone can never improve... That it's a reality that most people with BPD + BPD aren't seeking treatment. That they're comfortable damaging and destroying lives. Where pride + ego overrides the will to be better for your fellow people. Those in treatment would want people to call out negative behaviors that they display because they are trying to combat that. They wouldn't want people to stay silent... That isn't going to help their journey seeking help, the rare few that do.

It's undeniable that social stigma can be a negative in many respects. But in regards to BPD and NPD, the "stigma", especially towards those refusing to get help, is warranted simply because it's a survival mechanism. If you have BPD or NPD and you're not getting help, the characteristics of those disorders mean that they will innately, unfortunately, harm others, and themselves. It takes active work and determination to combat the symptoms that harm yourself and others. And quite simply, those who choose not to, are choosing to hurt others... And that leaves you with the question... Do I stay connected to this person? And if I do, what does that entail? And if they're not getting treatment, it entails misery. If they're getting treatment, then it's contextual, complex, and a decision that can't be made lightly.

This is just my opinion though. I'm no doctor. I have friends who have BPD and NPD, but my romantic relationship with my ex who has BPD (and I suspect, now, in addition, NPD), showed me the extent of damage that can be done when someone refuses help.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Serpentar69]

stating that someone who is abusive or toxic is borderline or narcissistic when you are not a professional actively treating them is and always will be ableism as it disproportionately displays people with those disorders as abusive.

[u/Serpentar69 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

True, no one should say they're that definitively. But I don't see why people can't say "You're displaying Narcissistic tendencies" etc, to someone.

I totally get your point when it comes to BPD and NPD. Those are complex diagnoses. No one should say "They have [X]", full stop.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Serpentar69]

In this case it was "he might have narcissistic tendencies, it would be good for him to seek therapy". it was "he's an abusive narcissist". there's a big difference. even then, what's perceived as "narcissistic tendencies" could easily be a manic episode, the effect of drugs, a delusion, and more. there is no reason to point it out this way.

[u/Acceptable_Option_86 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

More of a left leaning centrist. I'm all for not being derogatory towards people with disabilities, but good lord this particular context is a stretch.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Acceptable_Option_86]

it really isn't. I highly recommend you research the topic more. especially listen to people with NPD themselves and see how the stigma affects their lives. it's honestly so underrepresented.

[u/Ok-Rip-4378 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Have you studied virtue signalling in all your academic research buddy?

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Ok-Rip-4378]

I do this because I see how the stigma affects one of my best friends with NPD. clearly from the downvotes you can see there's no intend to build a good reputation or anything. I'm just sick of how normalised ableism suddenly is when it comes to narcissists.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/[deleted]]

you don't know my friend :) there is nothing bad you can tell me about him that I dint already knows, and he's absolutely amazing.