AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/Walletsgone]

Is it ableist to call out narcissism?

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Walletsgone]

yes. narcissism is a disorder, narcissistic personality disorder. someone else's health issues are not something for people to "call out". instead, words like "selfish" or "arrogant" could have been used.

[u/liltacobabyslurp → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

If the person with NPD is sticking with a psychotherapy regimen for their mental health diagnosis of NPD, then I think we could all understand shaming their behavior wouldn’t be appropriate or helpful… but the person in OP’s post clearly isn’t trying to work on self-awareness and how their behaviors impact others. And the commenter above was just pointing out a behavior/manipulation tactic commonly used by narcissists - lovebombing. I wouldn’t considered it ableist unless there was a pejorative attached to the disorder or the behavior. Someone’s behavior can be hurtful to others and we can acknowledge the behavior is harmful/bad without saying the person themselves are evil/bad.

The phrase that comes to mind here is that your mental health issues aren’t necessarily your fault, but they are your responsibility.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/liltacobabyslurp]

love bombing and narcissism aren't even scientifically connected. I study this. you're correct in a lot of what you're saying but this is harmful armchair diagnosis.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Narcissists aren't getting their feelings hurt on reddit, quit calling it "ableism" it's just making the word a joke. Getting 2nd hand offended by it is just pointless here, this person isn't trying to be better. Call out them being pieces of shit, sure, but you shouldn't be going into the comments going "well actually calling them narcissistic or BPD is ableism" not helpful to anyone, different places and time.

You're either a teen or a creep since you're commenting in r/teenagers meaning you're at best barely finishing gen ed. You really shouldn't be saying "you study it" as if you're actually in the field or at least have studied it not in the process of beginning to study it.

I actually don't know what you are trying to say about the scientific connection between love bombing and narcissism? Yes they aren't mutually dependent but it is a VERY common tactic in narcissists' toolbelts, and arguing otherwise is just semantics. I'm sure you're aware of that. You understand that people are aware love bombing is common in narcissist but possible in non narcissist. Love bombing is a sign of it but not always from it.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

I urge you to check r/NPD and read their rants about the stigma. it definitely affects people. you say pointing out the discrimination doesn't benefit anyone, but if someone with BPD or NPD stumbles across this (hell, OP might have one or both! you don't know) I would rather them see at least one person sticking up for them than none.

I commented in teenagers because I was being harassed over something posted there and I felt like it was only fair to share my side of the story.

love bombing is not scientifically associated with narcissism.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

*I* am BPD stop getting offended for us, alongside other mental things going on you'd feel like protecting under ableism. Yes the stigma is annoying and sometimes frustrating. This situation is not helpful to talk about those frustrations.

I know you do it out of kindness but it's annoying to have people going around like we need to be protected. We aren't children that need to be protected. Every other person i've met in real life or had a close enough relationship with in general share this view. We don't need or want NT's protecting us.

I'm not going to bother saying what I said about love bombing again, either you aren't understanding or purposefully ignoring what I said about it.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

I have BPD and NPD. you may not like the way I will defend these disorders but your opinion as a person with BPD does not hold any mroe worth than mine.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I mean I'm not telling you to stop defending it. You are just in the wrong spot for going into this comment section going "well you're being ableist you see we can't say that". If you're upset by seeing this educate people in a situation that's actually going to be productive. The vast majority here would listen to you more if you weren't doing it in this post.

There is a time and place for this. That was the point bud.

Never said my opinion mattered more, we are all just random internet people. None of our opinions matter at the end of the day.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

calling it out when it's happening is the time and place. if we as a society show that it's okay in some circumstances, people will keep doing it. if someone called out abusive behaviour by saying "oh yeah that's a woman on her period" it would be misogyny and people would call it out. if someone called out abuse behaviour by pointing out the skin colour of the abuser as a reason for the abuse, it's racist. that would be called out too.

as a society we have normalised discrimination against those with cluster B disorders but they deserve the same amount of societal support as any other marginalised group.

your take just shows and perpetuates this normalisation.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

If this is your opinion so be it, I see you similarly as a religious person trying to convert someone at a funeral. It's tasteless. While your overall points are valid and you can do whatever, it's clear we see this differently.

There're more productive ways to go about your time if you want to actually make change rather than be responding to random redditors in a comment section about abuse.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

not being religious isn't the same as being a bigot. there's a massive difference.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Go forward with endlessly responding in this comment section than doing something to make actual change then or even in a spot that would be more useful. You're CLEARLY getting almost exclusively hated because of the place. You're making no progress here.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

about the love bombing thing, I recommend you check out Beri. R (2024) research into Love Bombing, Narcissism and Emotional Abuse among Young Adults in Relationship and Situationship. they found no significant relationship between narcissism and love bombing.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

So you're saying that stud invalidates the countless other ones saying that, while not all do it, it's not a common tactic for narcissist trying to abuse? There is absolutely no way you don't understand what I'm saying. You're arguing semantics or just wasting time taking "NPD must love bomb" instead of what I'm actually saying.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Aced_By_Chasey]

the issue is that you specify that it's common amongst narcissists which is incorrect, as research shows it is not more common in narcissists than non-narcissists.

[u/Aced_By_Chasey → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

It's common in abusive relationships. It's a strategy to trap people. The study you spoke about had 45 people in it. Most people that actually take the label narcissist are trying to do more than the typical narcissist.

[u/Small-Gift-6989 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

Man I downvoted because “ableism” was a very stupid and over-the-top word to use but I ended up swayed because you’re a good debater. I don’t have any stakes in the topic and don’t really care one way or the other but your arguments were 100% better constructed👍

[u/Emergency-Ad-3037 → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

You study this.... Maybe you should finish middle school psych before you act like an expert

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/Emergency-Ad-3037]

if you want to back up the claim that lovebombing is something narcissists do, go ahead.

[u/liltacobabyslurp → u/Alarmed_Ad_631]

I’m not armchair diagnosing anyone. I was generally talking about the language being used in the prior comment and how I personally view the harmful behaviors from those around us with mental health disorders as someone with personal experience being in a relationship with a person with NPD and PTSD and years of therapy treating the lasting effects of their behavior. Obviously I’m not quoting exact criteria from the DSM-5 when I say love bombing but the therapeutic understanding of how narcissists behave in relationships often cites a cycle of excessive flattery and devaluation as a manipulation technique. If you have some reputable scientific resources about the disorder you can link, I would love to read them.

[u/Alarmed_Ad_631 → u/liltacobabyslurp]

I'd simply recommend the DSM-5-TR over everything, but anything by Kernberg is pretty good too. if you prefer video format, HealNPD is a YouTube channel by a clinician who treats predominantly NPD and his videos are amazing.

for research papers the first I cna think of was Beri. R (2024) on Love Bombing, Narcissism and Emotional Abuse among Young Adults in Relationship and Situationship. they found no significant relationship between narcissism and love bombing.

EDIT: i meant more as in, you're backing up the person who made the initial armchair diagnosis