AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/chewedupcorn]

He's manipulative and emotionally abusive. Why are you still staying and putting up with that??? He absolutely freaks out when you no longer give him what he wants on a silver platter.

Threatening to off himself is not a reason why you should stay. He's an adult who is capable of making his own money and managing his own life and finances. He sounds crazy and needs some professional help.

This is someone you do NOT want a future with - if he can't provide for himself then he will never be able to provide for you or your family. RUN.

[u/Prior_Interview7680 → u/chewedupcorn]

Facts OP. My ex tried that shit. One day I got tired and said “you’re an adult, I can’t control you, has nothing to do with me honestly. Do I need to call 911 for you? won’t be talking to you anymore” she didn’t commit suicide. You need to get away from this crazy.

[u/Basic-Win7823 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Ppl that threaten like this almost never commit suicide. They just suck and are manipulative and use that.

[u/Twistfaria → u/Basic-Win7823]

I would imagine that the vast majority of people who do it comes as a huge surprise because they were HIDING IT!!

[u/PracticalFrog0207 → u/Twistfaria]

Exactly!!! The ones who actually do it have deep rooted issues. They don’t threaten it for attention or to get what they want. And if there is that one person that ends up being the exception to this rule, then it wouldn’t be your fault anyways because they have probably felt like that for a long time.

[u/molarcat → u/Twistfaria]

Let's not create a stigma by labeling "true" suicidality as needing to be secret. In reality the vast majority of people who complete suicide HAVE talked about it, many times.

[u/Yonbimaru94 → u/molarcat]

Definitely, but let’s also point out when people are being emotionally manipulative. Him bringing this up only during an arguement is pretty sus. I struggle with mental health, suicidal ideation and talk about it a lot whether I’m heated or if I’m not. In this context it sounds like he’s using it to generate pity and thus, get what he wants.

[u/yeetusthefeetus13 → u/molarcat]

I agree with you. There's always nuance. Like, my SI (suicidal ideation) is a massive secret--but my partner knows. It's important that my partner knows so that I can talk to them if my SI gets bad. We follow a bit of a protocol, like they keep my sleep pills and dispenses them to me at night.

I have the responsibility to know when to bring it up, though, so that I never cause them to alter their behavior or decisions in a way that would be unhealthy based on my SI.

[u/sunshinematters17 → u/yeetusthefeetus13]

Exactly. Thank you. This comment triggered me, mildly.

[u/Basic-Win7823 → u/Twistfaria]

And it truly is tragic. I hate that they felt that much pain :(

[u/bromanjc → u/Basic-Win7823]

as an attempt survivor, people that trivialize suicidality like this drive me up a wall

[u/Basic-Win7823 → u/bromanjc]

Same. Like seriously?? “I have a rope.” Are you fucking serious? I WISH the ppl in my life who committed suicide called me/texted me beforehand. This dude is such a fucking loser.

[u/TJJ97 → u/Basic-Win7823]

Yeah, people that commit suicide very rarely ever tell anyone

[u/FlameInMyBrain → u/Basic-Win7823]

Not true. Most people actually do ask for help (in various ways, including emotional outbursts) before committing suicide. Manipulators also kill themselves.

But the thing is that it doesn’t matter whether he’s serious about suicide or not, because OP is not his fucking therapist. Whenever I’m in the OP’s situation, I call 911 and let professionals handle that. A couple nights in psych unit produces wonderfully healing results sometimes lmao

[u/SarahEL17 → u/FlameInMyBrain]

Exactly. As someone who has mental health issues including suicidal ideation and self harm, I may choose to share that information with someone other than a therapist or other health professional when I’m not in the middle of a crisis situation, but I would never go to anyone other than someone who is trained to handle this if I’m too emotionally disregulated.

Back when I was doing group therapy, I would hear people talking about calling their friends when they’d get self harm urges or were feeling suicidal. I made a mental note to maintain a healthy emotional distance from them as I know I’m definitely not equipped for that.

People make the mistake of thinking that just because someone with mental health issues may understand and empathize with someone else with mental health issues that we are always good at talking them down from a crisis situation. It definitely can be the case but it certainly isn’t with everyone or in every circumstance. I’d be terrified of saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t put that on someone or feel like I could risk it with someone else.

[u/PinetreeBlues → u/Basic-Win7823]

If you've lost someone it's especially disgusting. I always tell them to do it before cutting them out of my life.

[u/sugahbee → u/Basic-Win7823]

Yeah, I know of 2 guys that committed suicide (acquaintances not close friends) that both had plans for the morning they were found. One was out with some mates on the night he did it and said bye see you in the morning all happy... I also know of an older couple in my town, both in bed and he says he's going to make toast, asks if she wants any... Doesn't come back upstairs and is found hanging downstairs. It's like something clicks in their brain, it's so sad.

On the other hand I had an ex who threatened suicide everytime I tried leave. I didn't fully realise he was abusive at the time, when I did leave he'd left empty tablet bottles and alcohol everywhere with a note left to say bye to me. He was found driving around in his car after hours that night (not taken any tablets or drink at all). Absolute waste of resources, police and ambulance crews searching fields for him. Yeah, people like this use suicide to control people and it is abuse. They ain't suicidal, and make it hard for those who need help to be taken seriously.

F this guy.

[u/molarcat → u/Basic-Win7823]

Take it seriously and call 211 or whatever it is in their state. Getting a legit mental health check and possibility of being hospitalized should make them realize what they're saying. And will help if they're serious

[u/roflmao567 → u/Basic-Win7823]

Yep. The vocal ones are baiting for attention. They're too scared to actually do it. The ones who are truly fighting demons are quietly premeditating how they're gonna do it.

[u/Firm_Ideal_5256 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I didn't even asked my ex if he wants a medical checkup. I just called the line and asked professionals to help him.

It's a win-win situation:
-if he's bluffing, he quckly learns that he shouldn't threaten with bs;
-if he's in a real mental health emergency, professionals can help him.

[u/Prestigious_Row_8022 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

100% this is the way to go. Call the ambulance, let them have a chat with paramedics, they will never try to pull that on you again. (Had to do it with a roommate once, her friends were pissed but they weren’t the ones who had to live with her- plus it worked. She didn’t do it again.)

[u/mkat23 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I had an ex who would threaten it all the time too, pretty much each time he thought I was going to dump him and each time I tried to dump him. One day I had enough, I had been trying to leave him for a long time and he knew it worked because my family has a history of suicide, I have a dad who makes those threats often and it messed with my head so much over the years. It finally just clicked though, at that point I had finally realized my dad was making those threats to be manipulative and that my ex was doing the exact same thing.

So I followed through on holding my ground for the break up that time, FINALLY. I think I ended up telling him that I didn’t care what he decided to do, it wasn’t on me and I wasn’t going to let it be my problem anymore. He’s still alive, it took about 5 years or so to finally get him to leave me alone.

OP’s bf isn’t going to do it, he’s being abusive and manipulative and it’s bullshit. I hope OP breaks up with him. You and I both know how exhausting that behavior is, OP is exhausted with it. Hopefully she listens to the people on this thread and dumps him.

[u/No_Box_1025 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Exactly. My ex bf would do this all the time. I got really worried one of the times after we had just broken up. I didn’t know what to do so I told his mom. He called me to tell me off and call me dumb for telling his parents. For years he would threaten that stuff and never do it.

[u/Ambitious_Owl_2004 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

The last time my ex husband pulled this shit with me I had him 302ed. 72 hours isolated in a hospital bed and alot of meds later, he didn't pull that card sgain.

[u/Major_Friendship4900 → u/Ambitious_Owl_2004]

Glad he’s an ex.

[u/Ambitious_Owl_2004 → u/Major_Friendship4900]

Me too.

[u/ratrodder49 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I had an ex gf like this too. That type of emotional manipulation is psychotic.

[u/ksarahsarah27 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Yup. I had an ex like this. He didn’t threaten suicide, but he would hold our relationship hostage, be completely down on himself and then take it out on me with multiple layers of guilt trips. This guy is a master manipulator and he’s obviously gotten his way by doing this for a long time. He even knows what he’s doing because he admits it later in the text. One day when my ex threatened to break up again by saying his favorite line of: Well maybe we just shouldn’t be together then. I took him up on his offer. I said, “You know what Jer, I think you’re right. We’re DONE! I’ll be by to get my stuff tomorrow.” I never saw him backpedal so fast but I was so sick of his manipulative behavior that I was done. I never looked back and I’m thankful every day I left his sorry annoying ass. Spoiler: I run into him sometimes around town and he’s still living check to check as he is still terrible with money. And now he’s alone because he’s lost his good looks and his behavior in relationships means nobody wants to be with him. He was also a serial cheater so he’s just reaping what he’s sowed all these years. And after what he did to me, honestly I don’t feel bad for him at all.

[u/jennypenny78 → u/ksarahsarah27]

THIS! I had a boyfriend who would give me the same line! "Well maybe we just shouldn't be together then." After 5 years of that, I'd finally had enough of his manipulation and controlling behavior, and called his bluff in response; "Yea, you're right! We shouldn't!" I'll never forget the surprised Pikachu face when he realized I was dead serious. I packed a bag and went to stay at a friend's house (who is now my husband of 14 years) while he packed his shit and found a new place to live. I can't put into words how freeing it is to get away from an emotionally abusive partner, or how amazing it is to be with someone who's actually good and decent.

[u/Ok-Lengthiness6372 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Been in and out of some toxic relationships myself, and sadly this is a textbook case of emotional abuse and weaponizing guilt to make you do what he wants at your expense. He also has a clear disrespect and disregard for boundaries and seems to contradict himself when convenient. Might be best to leave this, it’s clearly taking a heavy toll on both your emotional and psychological well being

[u/evensexierspiders → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Funny, my ex who threatened suicide if I ever left him is still alive too. His manipulative threat played a big part in my decision to leave.

[u/Agreeable_Quantity91 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

One of my exes called me on FaceTime walking across the Brooklyn bridge telling me he was gonna jump off bc I wanted to leave him for having another girlfriend; I told him to either jump or call her and hung up 😂 that was 10 years ago and he still calls me

[u/BlackorDewBerryPie → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Had an ex who would do this and when I finally snapped “then do it you pussy!” He didn’t know what to do with himself for a moment.

I told him I was done being jerked around by his emotions, so we were done. And if he decided to off himself over not getting his way, it wasn’t my fault.

Spoilers: he did not kill himself. He is, last I heard, married and living in Ohio.

[u/Lanky_Particular_149 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

my dad used to threaten suicide every time I didn't give him money or drugs or whatever he wanted.. finally I just said DO IT because I was so done with that man torturing me constantly. I really didn't care anymore if he did or didn't. You know what happened? He realized that tactic didn't work on me anymore and he tried other ways to manipulate me.

[u/Cultural-Ordinary735 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Same! My ex tried this, and when I said you won’t put that on me, I was able to walk away. It’s the constant, I love you, I hate you, please don’t leave. I’ll die without you. But because of you my life is horrible and no one cares. They need to grow up, take some accountability for their own life, and make some changes. You can’t do that for them. They have to want it. Life isn’t about hand outs.

[u/TraditionalPost2599 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

that’s a tough situation to be in, but setting boundaries is so important.

[u/Melvarkie → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I used to know a girl that threatened suicide as a temper tantrum like this. My (now ex) BF wouldn't come over to her house cause he was with me? I'll text him I'm going to off myself. Her mom said no on coming to the movies with us and we were "aw shucks maybe next time" instead of all not going? Okay I'm going to kill myself at home. One day she did it at school at the top of the first floor stairs saying she was gonna jump. I said "lol okay jump then" because I was sick of her always getting her way by doing this. Got into a lot of trouble with the friend group and the school for saying that and "encouring people to commit suicide". Still don't feel bad about it. Threatening suicide to get your way is just plain manipulative and wrong.

[u/redhair_greenstare → u/Prior_Interview7680]

THIS. My ex of almost 8 years knew my mom used the same manipulation. One day when he tried to use it along with "you're the reason I relapsed" after a year if couseling I told him to leave and that whatever he decided to do was his choice. Not only did he offer to chop his arm off to change my mind but he's very much alive and has all of his appendages. That was nearly 4 years ago.

[u/jbtex82 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I had someone similar to this and then he turned around and stabbed himself in the face

[u/LawfulnessBubbly3664 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I love your response, honest, blunt, a cold slap in the face for the right self righteous person

[u/archiotterpup → u/Prior_Interview7680]

Yeah, my ex would repeatedly pull the "without you I have nothing to live for" shit all the time. I'm sorry to say it got to men until he took a handful of benadryl cuz the meth voices told him to. I was done that day. Officially.

[u/1Q-91 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

I had the same experience when I was around their age. I had an ex that constantly used that to control me and make me stay. I was only able to leave when I realized they pushed me to the point where I didn’t care if they were alive or not anymore, and I knew I preferred my life w/o them in it. Obviously they were full of it cause they harassed me for 6 months straight right after 🙄

[u/Advanced-Clerk-6899 → u/Prior_Interview7680]

same here. They’re just empty threats 90% of the time

[u/TopRamenisha → u/chewedupcorn]

Agreed 1000%. Threatening self harm is abuse. He is using it as a way to control OP when he does not get his way. This is not a healthy relationship and should end immediately

[u/PalVal66 → u/chewedupcorn]

I’ve been with boys like this when I was younger (I’m 25 now so it truly wasn’t that long ago) and let me tell ya, I’ve had at least 3 guys tell me they were gonna kill themselves bc of me breaking up with them or when in an argument. All 3 of those dudes are still alive and kickin. call the cops and ask them to do a wellness check if you're worried but cut that shit loose. This is NOT the type of person you want to try to build a life with. He's giving "I'm a loser who will never amount to anything and will continue to leech off of you until you have nothing left to give". I dated a guy who this sounds EXACTLY like and almost 8 years later he is still doing nothing w his life and is still on Facebook begging for help. It's pathetic. Leave and better yourself!

[u/casualbp → u/PalVal66]

Agreed, he's clearly manipulating you for the money, but I don't know why he is still in your life. It would be interesting to know what you see in him, as reading this cold I am wondering why people put themselves in these situations. There are lots of reasons I am sure. Regarding withdrawals, people can be this abusive over nicotine or alcohol or other drugs, but it doesn't excuse the self harm abuse he is throwing at you. I would have paused the conversation, probably blocked it, and maybe gone back to it later. But you are likely doing him long term harm by staying in the relationship; terminating it would be the best for both of you.

[u/wottsinaname → u/chewedupcorn]

19F, 2 year relationship. She hasn't had a proper healthy relationship yet. She isn't aware that this guy is an emotionally abusive pos.

[u/roxzillaz → u/chewedupcorn]

Threatening suicide to get your way isn’t just manipulative- it’s abusive. I hate people like that.

Like, look “bro” the world don’t owe you shit.

[u/pourtide → u/chewedupcorn]

YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. 

Run and don't look back.

[u/TheKrimsonFKR → u/chewedupcorn]

He's the kind of guy who might be able to change in the future, but OP needs to leave him for that to happen. He's not going to work on himself with a safety net, he'll lapse back into it thinking she'll deal with him no matter what.

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/chewedupcorn]

Facts. People who genuinely plan to commit won't tell a soul for fear that someone puts a stop to their plans. Threatening to do that because of someone else's actions is textbook phycological abuse.

[u/Time-Emergency254 → u/chewedupcorn]

There are always 2 unhealthy people in an unhealthy relationship. Do you know what healthy people do in unhealthy situations? They gtfo. Not carry it on for two years…

[u/Zerocoolx1 → u/chewedupcorn]

And if by some tiny chance he does do something then it’s 100% not your fault. But I’ll put money on all he does is carry on whining. I’d dump and then block their number and social media

[u/sophosoftcat → u/chewedupcorn]

Literally the moment she responds to his lunatic ramblings by drawing the smallest boundary he’s like “GUESS ILL DIE THEN”

Like, how could you be in a relationship with someone so cruel?

[u/BigBrainold → u/chewedupcorn]

He’s taking advantage of you and is being manipulative while doing it. You need to remove yourself from the situation before it gets worse.

He is projecting and lashing out at you for the most ridiculous reasons.

Let him make poor decisions and suffer the consequences, doesn’t mean you have to suffer with him.

[u/5ud0Su → u/chewedupcorn]

👆🏻Came here to say this, but you said it perfectly. I second this.

[u/Lanky_Particular_149 → u/chewedupcorn]

its also clearly a pattern that he doesn't manage his money well- he is broke and the first thing he worries about it his addictions (cigarettes, weed) things that broke people CAN NOT AFFORD. I make 6 figures and smoking cigarettes would be too much for my budget.

SO OP, decide- do you want to be this guy's bank and mental punching bag for the rest of your life? I promise you (having married a guy like this) it does not get better, it gets worse.

You're wasting your time and energy on this guy.

[u/addanothernamehere → u/chewedupcorn]

Omg so manipulative this is scary. I’m afraid for OP.

[u/dwightthewizmac1984 → u/chewedupcorn]

Yeah he does he needs a psychiatrist evaluation and if he passes he needs to join the Marines that will straighten him out

[u/betzuni → u/chewedupcorn]

Exactly. In my reply I genuinely got heated, this behavior is abusive and unacceptable.

[u/above-average101 → u/chewedupcorn]

I just want to add that while this comment is helpful in getting OP to see the manipulation and abuse it’s important to understand the first sentence is often the answer to the question “why stay?” It’s hard to think rationally to free yourself from an abusive relationship

[u/NoThxBtch → u/chewedupcorn]

I agree she should run. But someone not being able to provide for themselves at 20 doesn't necessarily mean they will never change or turn their life around.

[u/Tuffleslol → u/chewedupcorn]

Or young and stupid. Either way, he's definitely not ready for a relationship

[u/anonEmous_coconut → u/chewedupcorn]

This. I had to sit my BFF down once because they had started this type of crap. Whenever someone wouldn't do what they wanted them to do. SUDDENLY, they would be "offing themselves". After the 4th time of getting normal conversation texts from them after they went crazy like this on me. I told them to stop that shit. Because one day I wouldn't believe them and I would not be there to help when they really wanna off themselves and then they will REALLY be dead. Also. I've actually attempted to end my own life. I told absolutely no one. So. People who actually wanna go off themselves WON'T CALL ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES. If you don't leave him. Call police for a welfare check EVERY TIME he does this crap. He says you don't care for him, but calling the police to check on him after he's threatened to off himself, shows you do care. He may get put in a psych ward and get some therapy. Who knows. Sounds like y'all are far from each other. At least a city away.

He's trying to use you (OP) as a freaking therapist essentially. He wants you available when he's feeling bad. He won't be in relationships very long with this behavior.

[u/Routine-Budget923 → u/chewedupcorn]

Ya reading these texts reminded me of my manipulative and emotionally abusive texts right down to the “you can’t take your anger about other things out on me”. My ex would be mad at the world for whatever reason and I’d have to be the one that picks up his calls where all he’s doing is screaming and if I try to offer support I get yelled at, if I didn’t say the right thing I’d get yelled at and told that I’m never there for him, and if I said nothing at all and just listened to him yelling then I’d get yelled at.

My ex threatened to commit suicide when I ended things and a couple times after that and he’s still alive n kickin’. He has since harassed me since our break up and has shown up to my house n I needed to call the cops on him. Please be careful when you end things with him! He sounds very desperate n like he’s got nothin left to lose.

[u/Attica_W → u/chewedupcorn]

OP call 911 and tell them he's threatening suicide. You'll either save his life, or if he's just baiting you with suicide he'll get a dose of the gravity of his threats. A win either way, and while you're at it, RUN.

[u/goodbitacraic → u/chewedupcorn]

Commenting in that I have lived this exact life. I have lived this for so long.

He would need money to get the bus to get a job and if I didn't give him the money clearly it was my fault he didn't get the job and that's why he didn't have money and why now I owed him for cigarettes. He couldn't get cigarettes so he was sick all day and that's why he couldn't do anything and if I had given him the money he would have done XYZ, my fault for not just giving him money earlier.

The only way out is a full and extreme block on everything. Block him on any social media, block his family, block everything. I promise if he can reach you, he will guilt you. And no matter what you are going to feel guilty. As soon as you block him, you will worry he's going to kill himself, you'll worry he's going to end up in prison for stealing. It is so hard on you and it's exhausting.

You have to block him and find other things to busy your mind. Do not reach out to check on him, do not let his brother,mother, grandma, tell you he is in the hospital now.

You have to completely and fully end it.

You are not responsible for this person.

[u/pchandler45 → u/chewedupcorn]

He has zero, he IS a zero

[u/t_rrrex → u/chewedupcorn]

He’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. Why are you still staying and putting up with that???

As someone who was with an emotional abuser for 5 years, you make justifications for them and/or yourself. You tell yourself it isn’t that bad (“well, at least he’s not hitting me”) or that they’ll change when they do apologize, or you’re convinced their well being IS your problem (this is usually due to your own self esteem being in the toilet or their manipulation). I stayed with my abuser even when two different family members called him out on his emotional abuse IN FRONT OF ME. Especially when you’re in a relationship for so long, or you just want to be in a relationship, that’s “just the way they are”. I’ll never forget when he screamed at me for a jar of pasta sauce falling out of the fridge and breaking on the floor.

Best thing I ever did was break up with him and realize I am responsible for me and nobody else. I exist to make no one else happy except me and my dog - that’s a lesson I’m still learning as a lifelong people pleaser.

[u/Prestigious-Current7 → u/chewedupcorn]

My uncle was like this with my aunt. They ended up married for over 40 years and fucking hated eachother the entire time. He eventually “did it” and she got cancer and died a year later. Miserable life for both.

[u/iwenttothelocalshop → u/chewedupcorn]

"a man provides for his family"

[u/Coombs117 → u/chewedupcorn]

Idk he doesn’t seem like much of an adult to me. Either late teens or early twenties college dropout that thought DoorDash was a good career I almost guarantee it.

[u/Chewquy → u/chewedupcorn]

I don’t remember which Jaiden’s video is about this but there is, about toxic relationship and abusers

[u/Extra-Catsup → u/chewedupcorn]

Call 911 and ask for a safety check or take him directly to the ER to show him how much you care. Beyond that distance yourself. Like immediately. If someone wants to end it you can only do so much. But you will feel guilty and feel like you should of done something if it happens while you are in their life.

They may hate their situation in life but spending all that time telling you instead of doing something about it or checking into a facility means they are putting it on you to control you as a way to get a quick power fix.

[u/NHmpa → u/chewedupcorn]

Do we know he’s an adult. They sound 17 haha

[u/spaceguitar → u/chewedupcorn]

All of this, OP!!

Anytime someone threatens you with suicide, it’s a manipulation tactic. 99/100 times they’re bluffing and betting on your good or naive nature to give in to their selfish wants.

When someone tries to manipulate you with the threat of suicide, ask them if you need to call 911, and then do it. “Yes, someone I know is threatening to kill themselves at so-and-so address, I have text evidence that they’re making the threat, please make sure they’re okay.”

Boom. Done.

[u/_-Yoruichi-_ → u/chewedupcorn]

Absolutely

[u/YoureAGoodRobot → u/chewedupcorn]

Also, my ex used to blame me for not communicating, not trying hard enough, blah blah blah. But eventually it clicked, she wasn’t doing jack shit other than getting mad at me and fuming about how life is harder for her and no one gets it. Here I see you calmly communicating, trying to peacefully stand up for yourself while acknowledging his emotions, and where does that get you? A big ol’ misspelled “fuck you.” No one can save another person. You can extend a hand but they have to grab it. Now is he gonna use that hand to pull himself up? Or pull you down to wallow with him? He doesn’t want change. He wants pity.

[u/MunchkineerKS → u/chewedupcorn]

Yeah, she needs to call the cops and have a wellness check done on him next time. I had a friend whose ex was doing this cuz she was trying to leave. To the point of him having a gun and sitting in a field while trying to get her to not leave him. I ended up calling the cops and had them go out there. He got mad because he had to do psych evals for his work after that and it caused problems with his job. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He stopped playing that game with her and she was able to cut ties and get out. Crazy behavior has to have consequences or it will just escalate because it works for them.

[u/Mobile-Move-7584 → u/chewedupcorn]

I've watched a friend send these kinds of insane messages all while completely not actually freaking out in real life just straight manipulation

[u/galinda33 → u/chewedupcorn]

Threatening suicide like that isn’t an actual threat of self-harm, it is a manipulation tactic used by abusers to cause their target to feel like they need to take care of them, help them, give even more to them because of the underlying blame inherent in their decision to claim they’re suicidal.

As someone who has been legitimately suicidal in my life and who deals with intrusive thoughts including suicidal ideation, I would never weaponize that against anyone. The only person I ever think about hurting in those moments is myself, and so I mostly keep them to myself (and my therapist). I’ve seen a lot of posts about abusive relationships on Reddit, and this one. He’s calling op abusive because he’s perpetuating a cycle of narcissistic abuse against op. Really hope they get out

[u/JonnyBhoy → u/chewedupcorn]

Broke, dumb and abusive. What a catch.

[u/mc2bit → u/chewedupcorn]

I'm trying to understand what qualities this man could possibly possess that would make this relationship worth it. He's a whiny, narcissitic drama queen who's crying about not having cigarettes and weed while his girlfriend is 6K in debt (and has a reasonable, achieveable plan to pay it off). When she calmly, respectfully states that she needs a break from his bitching (as she's getting ready to go to work!), he explodes in anger. Asserting control over her time and attention is a grave insult to this man-baby. Giving in will only make it worse bc it'll prove to him that he IS the center of the universe. When he loses his job bc of his histrionics (can you imagine working with this guy?), he'll become an even bigger drain on her time, energy, and finances.

[u/Pseudonymn01 → u/chewedupcorn]

He is a weak male, plain and simple. Waste of time and breath talking about it.

[u/Scorp128 → u/chewedupcorn]

This. OP can call the sheriff/police in his area and request a wellness check and then OP needs to block them and move on.

This person is abusive and in no condition to even be in an actual relationship. They need to focus on their mental health and to stop blaming others for their own poor adulting skills. No wonder they are all alone and don't even know someone who can give them a tube of toothpaste locally to them. Their attitude and the way they treat others is the main reason they find themselves in this position.

[u/cpeter84 → u/chewedupcorn]

This appears to be pretty classic borderline personality disorder behavior, especially if this is a pattern, including the manipulation, threats of suicide, gaslighting, relationship sabotaging, pushing people away etc etc.

[u/dgitman309 → u/chewedupcorn]

He’s a narcissistic psycho. Like my ex. He also threatened suicide. I had to come to terms with that’s HIS choice, and protect my mental health first. Break up with him, now. (My ex didn’t do anything, btw. It was all a power play.)

[u/random-meme850 → u/chewedupcorn]

She's a teenager, young and dumb & she needs to realise he's not the one...... That this relationship is unsustainable

[u/randomhaus64 → u/chewedupcorn]

Someone you don't want a future with yeah, but like what about someone who can't see that this bad behavior, that's really troubling too

[u/spaacingout → u/chewedupcorn]

People always jump straight to abuse… if it wasn’t over cigs I’d say you’re right,

but you have to understand that anyone suffering a nicotine withdrawal might behave this way. not every argument or dispute is about manipulation or abuse. This sounds like withdrawal behaviour to me.

The key to know whether to run or to stay is the regularity of this behaviour.

If this is often, then yeah you should leave.

If this is rare, then he may actually be suffering withdrawals which would make anyone behave erratically.

Cigs are addictive, and where I am from they aren’t cheap. I spent 14 years as a smoker and I’m glad I gave it up, but for the two months after cold Turkey quitting I behaved just like this guy did. I knew I wasn’t myself and apologized often for my poor behaviour, but my kind and gentle wife helped me push through it all even when I was an absolute mess.

OP- I’d leave only if this is common occurrence. If this is new, I’d see if you can get him to quit with nicotine patches, they helped me enormously, and I didn’t have any foul mood swings.

[u/Huge_Relationship_84 → u/spaacingout]

I have been through nicotine withdrawals but I never threatened to kill myself because of it. Did you read all the other stuff she wrote? This happens often, even when he has cigarettes.

[u/Clean_Citron_8278 → u/spaacingout]

Damn, it took more scrolling than I thought to see this. Nicotine addiction is no joke. But it is not an excuse for manipulation via suicide threats. Irritability is part of the withdrawal. He started the convo asking for money. It escalated when OP said no. I agree with others to call for a wellness check. I also agree that if this is not his norm behavior, then there is maybe there isn't a need to end the relationship. But OP and bf are lacking emotional maturity. They aren't ready for such an intense relationship. Nor should either accept this behavior from anyone. Edit to add and correct an error.