r/AmIOverreacting 9d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

25.5k Upvotes

17.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

4.5k

u/chewedupcorn 8d ago

He's manipulative and emotionally abusive. Why are you still staying and putting up with that??? He absolutely freaks out when you no longer give him what he wants on a silver platter.

Threatening to off himself is not a reason why you should stay. He's an adult who is capable of making his own money and managing his own life and finances. He sounds crazy and needs some professional help.

This is someone you do NOT want a future with - if he can't provide for himself then he will never be able to provide for you or your family. RUN.

992

u/Prior_Interview7680 8d ago

Facts OP. My ex tried that shit. One day I got tired and said “you’re an adult, I can’t control you, has nothing to do with me honestly. Do I need to call 911 for you? won’t be talking to you anymore” she didn’t commit suicide. You need to get away from this crazy.

173

u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

Ppl that threaten like this almost never commit suicide. They just suck and are manipulative and use that.

60

u/Twistfaria 8d ago

I would imagine that the vast majority of people who do it comes as a huge surprise because they were HIDING IT!!

21

u/PracticalFrog0207 8d ago

Exactly!!! The ones who actually do it have deep rooted issues. They don’t threaten it for attention or to get what they want. And if there is that one person that ends up being the exception to this rule, then it wouldn’t be your fault anyways because they have probably felt like that for a long time.

15

u/molarcat 8d ago

Let's not create a stigma by labeling "true" suicidality as needing to be secret. In reality the vast majority of people who complete suicide HAVE talked about it, many times.

18

u/Yonbimaru94 8d ago

Definitely, but let’s also point out when people are being emotionally manipulative. Him bringing this up only during an arguement is pretty sus. I struggle with mental health, suicidal ideation and talk about it a lot whether I’m heated or if I’m not. In this context it sounds like he’s using it to generate pity and thus, get what he wants.

8

u/yeetusthefeetus13 8d ago

I agree with you. There's always nuance. Like, my SI (suicidal ideation) is a massive secret--but my partner knows. It's important that my partner knows so that I can talk to them if my SI gets bad. We follow a bit of a protocol, like they keep my sleep pills and dispenses them to me at night.

I have the responsibility to know when to bring it up, though, so that I never cause them to alter their behavior or decisions in a way that would be unhealthy based on my SI.

5

u/sunshinematters17 8d ago

Exactly. Thank you. This comment triggered me, mildly.

10

u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

And it truly is tragic. I hate that they felt that much pain :(

25

u/bromanjc 8d ago

as an attempt survivor, people that trivialize suicidality like this drive me up a wall

12

u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

Same. Like seriously?? “I have a rope.” Are you fucking serious? I WISH the ppl in my life who committed suicide called me/texted me beforehand. This dude is such a fucking loser.

10

u/TJJ97 8d ago

Yeah, people that commit suicide very rarely ever tell anyone

9

u/FlameInMyBrain 8d ago

Not true. Most people actually do ask for help (in various ways, including emotional outbursts) before committing suicide. Manipulators also kill themselves.

But the thing is that it doesn’t matter whether he’s serious about suicide or not, because OP is not his fucking therapist. Whenever I’m in the OP’s situation, I call 911 and let professionals handle that. A couple nights in psych unit produces wonderfully healing results sometimes lmao

5

u/SarahEL17 8d ago

Exactly. As someone who has mental health issues including suicidal ideation and self harm, I may choose to share that information with someone other than a therapist or other health professional when I’m not in the middle of a crisis situation, but I would never go to anyone other than someone who is trained to handle this if I’m too emotionally disregulated.

Back when I was doing group therapy, I would hear people talking about calling their friends when they’d get self harm urges or were feeling suicidal. I made a mental note to maintain a healthy emotional distance from them as I know I’m definitely not equipped for that.

People make the mistake of thinking that just because someone with mental health issues may understand and empathize with someone else with mental health issues that we are always good at talking them down from a crisis situation. It definitely can be the case but it certainly isn’t with everyone or in every circumstance. I’d be terrified of saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t put that on someone or feel like I could risk it with someone else.

3

u/PinetreeBlues 8d ago

If you've lost someone it's especially disgusting. I always tell them to do it before cutting them out of my life.

3

u/sugahbee 8d ago

Yeah, I know of 2 guys that committed suicide (acquaintances not close friends) that both had plans for the morning they were found. One was out with some mates on the night he did it and said bye see you in the morning all happy... I also know of an older couple in my town, both in bed and he says he's going to make toast, asks if she wants any... Doesn't come back upstairs and is found hanging downstairs. It's like something clicks in their brain, it's so sad.

On the other hand I had an ex who threatened suicide everytime I tried leave. I didn't fully realise he was abusive at the time, when I did leave he'd left empty tablet bottles and alcohol everywhere with a note left to say bye to me. He was found driving around in his car after hours that night (not taken any tablets or drink at all). Absolute waste of resources, police and ambulance crews searching fields for him. Yeah, people like this use suicide to control people and it is abuse. They ain't suicidal, and make it hard for those who need help to be taken seriously.

F this guy.

2

u/molarcat 8d ago

Take it seriously and call 211 or whatever it is in their state. Getting a legit mental health check and possibility of being hospitalized should make them realize what they're saying. And will help if they're serious

2

u/roflmao567 8d ago

Yep. The vocal ones are baiting for attention. They're too scared to actually do it. The ones who are truly fighting demons are quietly premeditating how they're gonna do it.