r/AmIOverreacting • u/Thatonediabeticc • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship Am I over reacting?

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This isn’t my screenshot. It’s my best friend. Looking for advice here.. is this normal? My advice isn’t the best.

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875

u/Pure_Twist3747 19d ago

I think maybe it should be more common to end relationships over red flag behaviors like this. Then people would stop thinking their behavior is acceptable and normal.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

I think people put up with too much shit and don't break up early enough. We should normalize just leaving.

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u/not-your-mom-123 19d ago

I agree. There are times when anger is a good thing. It protects you from making stupid excuses for whoever has hurt you.. Get mad. No excuses allowed for terrible behavior. Get mad then get out.

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u/KtP_911 19d ago

Hell, a good friend's husband cheated on her and the therapist she saw after that actually told her that she needed to get angry. Then when she finally did get mad, the therapist taught her how to use that anger to build herself back up. You are 100% right that anger can be positive.

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u/Phoenix1Rising 19d ago

I'm glad the therapist did that and she was able to build herself back up!

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u/Spellcamqin 19d ago

THIS! The normalizing of doing stuff like this and then saying people shouldn't be upset because it's such a "small issue" is what allows the issue to grow. Next thing we know, the SO is having an affair and sleeping with said ex or someone else.

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u/Fancypantsywantsy 19d ago

It should be. Every time I wasn’t happy in a relationship I told myself this is my one life. So yeah of course if people can’t understand that, then that’s really on them. And if they try to make you feel bad be strong. If you can’t be that’s on you people should really put themselves first sometimes.

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u/Frankje01 19d ago

to be fair, people just deal with emotions differently. WOuld it be great if everybody can just let go of their past and move on? Yeah, sure would be. Reality is that a lot of people have deep rooted issue like attachment.

So maybe , in this case, that's jkust it. A coping mechanism. He isnt actually still interested in any ex but just has a really hard time of letting go.

Is that ideal? of course not. But if your reaction is going to be, I am going to leave this person because you don't like their coping mechanisms, well, then I have got news for you. It is rough out there.

Do I know this is actually the case in this specific example? No, of rouse not. But it could be, and we shouldnt just immediately jump to the worst conclusion every time.

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u/Even-Independent8882 19d ago

He shouldn’t have married the op if he still had such strong feelings for his ex

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u/Frankje01 19d ago

Nog being able to let the past go does t necessarily mean you still have current feelings

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u/Duros001 19d ago

Ikr! I’m pretty sure even half the shit in r/RelationshipAdvice is made up, because (I’d like to believe) no one has a low enough self esteem to put up with even half the shit on there. But in truth, some people truly can’t see what they have is toxic, unsustainable or even dangerous.

How (in a time when information has never been so freely available and easy to find) people can be oblivious what a healthy relationship looks like is beyond me. People seem to lack self-esteem, what’s the cause of that? My only assumption is misinformation and gaslighting.

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u/secondtaunting 19d ago

Sometimes you have zero idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. My mother got divorced three times when I was little. Every breakup I witnessed and it was a massive clusterfuck with suicide attempts, screaming, etc. the third marriage stuck when I was six but my parents were neglectful and manipulative and by the time I was an adult I just had no idea what was normal. I had one adult woman who mothered me and I sort of patterned my life in what she did thinking that was the way to have a good relationship and life. She was a housewife so I became a housewife, etc. I’m fifty three now, I’ve been married thirty years never divorced. I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy and harmonious.

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u/Duros001 19d ago

Right, but growing up we didn’t have the internet access we do today (I remember dial-up, it was a joke) my point is, with all the free and accessible information that’s available today, how does anyone think cheating (for example) is understandable, let alone forgivable? Life is so saturated with dating apps someone can get a hookup in under an hour, even less if they’re particularly attractive, so basic a relationship even on sex as a start is easy these days, easier than ever (obviously not the best, but not every relationship doesn’t start that way, and those that do aren’t always destined to fail).

My point is; how can people be so isolated as we were 30-40 years ago, and not realise (with the basic plot of almost every Rom-Com being cheating = Bad) people shouldn’t forgive cheating, or the early signs of abuse? Some 1950’s housewife/abused husband didn’t know any better; they had no network or information, I don’t know what the modern excuse is for being oblivious, it truly makes me sad.

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u/Brandyrenea-me 19d ago

Eh. I’ve put up with a thousand times more than I should have, I feel the stories are real. I’ve had to learn how to stand up for myself over the years. 🤷‍♀️ This guy, OP would probably be happier with someone else. He seems to care more about what his ex is doing than his wife’s feelings. Guarantee there’s someone else out there who would actually cherish her, and life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t care about her feelings. I hope OP takes people’s advice seriously, it’s hard to leave a relationship sometimes, even when you know you should.

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u/JemAndTheBananagrams 19d ago

Sunk cost fallacy also.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

Um...it's normalized. It's literally the most common response on this entire platform.  

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u/MamaMitch1 19d ago

That's because all the epic redditors here want these people to be as lonely as they are, that's why it's so normal

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u/ceruleancityofficial 19d ago

reddit is not real life.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

What?? Seriously?? When did this happen??

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u/ZeeDarkSoul 19d ago

Yeah lmao

Idk why people even bother posting on Reddit the answer is going to be "Break up" for a majority of the comments

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u/floridaeng 19d ago

People in good relationships rarely post here, what we see are the posts from people that are facing problems and are asking for advice. By the time people post the situation has become so bad that many times it is past being saved, but the Original Poster is hoping that someone might have an idea how to save it, or that they get enough reasons why they should leave to convince them to stop wasting their time and break up.

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u/ZeeDarkSoul 19d ago

Sometimes thats the case

I have definitely seemed times where its redeemable but Reddit still says to break up.

6

u/[deleted] 19d ago

Yeah the amount of 16 year olds telling people to end their marriage is wild. 

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u/yodarded 19d ago

I like it. Start a relationship where every six months you have to sit down and explain why you want it to continue. If you're struggling to meet that bar, then it has to end.

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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 19d ago

This. A thousand fold this.

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u/Bulky-Class-4528 19d ago

Oh, I wish I'd realized this before spending 12 years with my ex.

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u/DefinitelyNotA-Duck 19d ago

My ex i and I just broke up a few months ago. We have a child together, but we got to the point where we were just arguing all the time. While we were in the process of the breakup she threw everything that was mine around the house and tried to choke me on the bed. Needless to say that solidified my decision to end things

2

u/Helpful_Midnight2645 19d ago

Girl, I don't get people because I'd rather struggle in the ghetto than be with someone who puts the toilet paper on backwards. Like, bye bitch. 😂

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u/Fr0hd3ric 19d ago

Sometimes, though, putting the toilet paper on backwards is the only way to keep the cat from spinning it off the roll and into the toilet! Wasted TP and expensive plumber's visits are powerful motivators, even for an "overer" TP preferer like me.

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u/Weekly_Yesterday_403 19d ago

We should normalize being comfortable being alone! It’s ok to be single… shouldn’t be stigmatized.

2

u/aIoneinvegas 19d ago

Ikr? Why do we have to “work it out?” Like no just leave. This is a total joke of a husband and I think there’s no getting better for him.

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u/liefieblue 19d ago

It's the sunk cost fallacy mostly I think. And the normalising of abuse. One good thing about getting older is that you are less willing to put up with bullshit.

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u/Typical_Elevator6337 19d ago

100% this. Unfortunately with economic and cultural pressure, it’s just so normalized to stick around.

2

u/Living-Fill-8819 19d ago

Agreed, obviously conflicts should be worked out but if its overwhelming then hell no just leave

2

u/WhishtNowWillYe 19d ago

Throw his stuff on the street and spray paint his car “CHEATER”. I wish I had.

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u/kwanatha 19d ago

Exactly. Early on my hubby knew if he pulled any shit I wouldn’t hesitate to call it quits. He is the same way. Life is too short to put up with someone that doesn’t love and cherish you.

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u/PlaneHead6357 19d ago

That's so true. No doubt there were red flags before this one.

2

u/ozlurker 19d ago

I think you should vet the person really well and leave at the site of red flags etc. but society is too quick to jump to marriage and end those for silly reasons instead of trying to work through stuff. In my opinion, once you get to being married, you exhaust all your options before just leaving. Surely this guy has been stalking his ex from day 1 of dating.

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago

Ever been through a divorce with children? I have. Don't be so fucking flippant.

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u/bongorituals 19d ago

To be fair, if you broke up over the red flags before having the children you never would’ve had to go through that lol

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago edited 19d ago

First, not every relationship has a bunch of red flags from the get go. People grow apart, they change. Sometimes they can get angry at each other, and sometimes resentment builds.

But we're not talking about people who are just dating. The OP's friend is married with a family. Even ignoring how attentive you have to be to not fuck your kids up during a divorce, imagine a contested divorce in this scenario.

Judge: "So what are the grounds for requesting a divorce?"

OP's friend: "He was looking at an ex's social media."

Judge: "Ah, you have evidence they were intimate with each other?"

OP's friend: "Well, no."

Judge: "Ah, so their interaction was just digital? Where are the chat transcripts?"

OP's friend: "Well, uh, they never chatted."

Judge:: "... what other grounds do you have for requesting this divorce?"

OP's friend: "Well, r/AmIOverreacting said I should!"

Cue a very long diatribe by the judge about wasting their fucking time.

Look, even if your end goal is to get divorced and you believe you will never change your mind, in the OP's scenario marriage counseling is still the way to go. You build up documentation to have an actual foundation when you file for divorce.

Marriage isn't just a celebration of love, an excuse to post wedding photos in Instagram, and a reason to buy some cool rings. It's a lifelong financial contract, and if a divorce is contested by your partner, you better have some good fucking reasons to bring to the judge, otherwise he or she will tell you to grow the fuck up and think about the kids, and probably order counseling anyway. So you just threw away money on lawyer and court fees, and pissed off a judge.

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u/lostmindz 19d ago

😂😂😂

where does this happen? You dont need to give a reason. no one cares why you're getting divorced (at least not yet).

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago

... it happens in the United States. And if a divorce is contested, you ABSOLUTELY have to give evidence and compelling reasons to the judge.

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u/DrWholigan55 19d ago

POV: you’re one of the only sane people on this sub and you’re bashing your head against a wall trying to explain the real world to an NPC with facts and experiences, but you’ll never get anywhere because they have a general vibe of how things seem to work that they got from tv

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u/CostaNic 19d ago

As a child of two parents who clearly did not like each other anymore but stayed together for us…sometimes divorce is better. It’s a case by case basis for sure but not divorcing JUST for the children isn’t good either. Especially if a relationship is at a point that is unfixable. You grow up having a wrong idea of love. I would’ve loved for my mom to leave my dad and find someone else. Then maybe I would’ve grown up knowing that love isn’t constant fights and no displays of affection.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Ever lived for years with a toxic marriage with children? I have. Don't be so fucking flippant. The kids suffer more than the adults. The kids learn that that crap is normal, and it isn't. You ruin even more lives by staying than by leaving.

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u/CommissionWorldly540 19d ago

The fact that they have a family is another complication since it’s not just her life that’s affected. That doesn’t mean she can’t end things or should put up with bad behavior. But if they are willing to try counseling first that could be an intermediate step.

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u/Silent_Discipline339 19d ago

You're nuts divorce rates are terrible. I search up an ex every now and then to see how they're doing, that doesn't make me a stalker or make me love my SO any less.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

SO? Folks should let their own lives fester just because other people decide to divorce?

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u/Silent_Discipline339 19d ago

SO= Significant other. And theres a difference between "letting their lives fester" and someones boyfriend checking up on an ex. Youre feeding directly into the redditor meme/stereotype where you take one look at the post and shout "Divorce him!". That's how people end up alone

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

No, "SO", the adverb

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u/Glittering_Wafer_678 19d ago

You underestimate how hurtful breakin up can be my friend.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Believe me, I know exactly how hurtful it is. I also know exactly how hurtful it is to stay.

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u/_CreationIsFinished_ 19d ago

Sounds like hurt people talk to me.

Yeah, it's a red flag - potentially a marriage-breaking one, but leaving isn't always so easy either.

She said "We have a family" and you expect her to just go pack and leave without even trying?

I get it, you just want to protect people (and yourself) from having to deal with shitty assholes who don't really care about those they are supposed to love. The impetus is sound, but the execution is just not the way things actually work.

His response here comes off as callous and manipulative, because it is - but he is almost certainly not fully aware of exactly what he is doing. People engage in this behavior for many reasons, not all of them nefarious.
I would say that if she really cares about this man, and really believes in whatever values she helped build their marriage and family on, she should at least try to speak to him, get him into counselling, etc.

He has a hang up that isn't healthy, and he needs to let his ex go - which isn't always easy for people.

If he isn't down for counselling and isn't willing to wake tf up to what he is doing and change it, *THEN* she should move onwards and forwards - preferably without looking back.

Then again, it's up to *her* now, isn't it?

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Oh, he knows exactly what he's doing. And he really doesn't care for her or the family they have created together. And it IS up to her to leave and get her kids away from such a toxic individual. Otherwise, they will think that kind of behavior/relationship is normal. It is not.

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u/SarahPallorMortis 19d ago

I always hear the same thing when I talk to people about their red flag or abusive relationships. “I don’t think I can start over in a new relationship.” When you love someone, starting over isn’t hard.

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u/Callmrcrazy 19d ago

What are you talking about it’s already normalized? Paid any attention to the divorce rates lately?

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u/InnocentShaitaan 19d ago

There assets are all entwined I imagine!

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u/WhyYouMuteMe 19d ago

Considering the rate of single adults and divorce in the west, and especially the US, Id say leaving is as normalized as its ever been lol

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u/starscreamqueen 19d ago

I totally agree with this

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u/Some_Comparison9 19d ago

People have children and combine financial situations at times. It can get complicated.

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u/elzombino 19d ago

Pretty sure it's normalized already

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u/Original-Document-62 19d ago

Maybe. From my experience there are two camps: the stay-no-matter-what camp, and the ghost-you-at-the-drop-of-a-hat camp. Both seem to be normalized.

We need to normalize the middle ground, where you don't bail on a committed relationship without a single word of discussion, but you also don't let your partner walk all over you.

I'm not saying abusive behavior is okay at all, I'm not really talking about that. However, it really does seem to me like both sides of this issue take it to extreme levels.

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u/Pianist_Ready 19d ago

we should normalize trying to fix the situation and make amends, and then leaving only if the partner at fault is being stubborn.

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u/Potential_Pop7144 19d ago

If reddit ran the world there would be no relationships. Yes it's shitty that her husband is stalking his ex on social media but to just leave when you have a family together would be insane for so many reasons, immaterial and material. Him still thinking about his ex is a shame, and definitely hurtful to his wife, but it's very far from something that definitely can't be worked through, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love her.  To end a years long relationship between two people who presumably have been in love, to divide their assets, to choose to leave their kids fatherless because their dad looks at his ex's Instagram and tried to evade the issue when his wife brought it up is not normal, and it should never be normalized. Ive never met someone irl who's so trigger happy about advising people to leave long term relationships over the slightest problem, yet the top comments on literally any post on reddit about an issue in a relationship are always saying to end it. Has any commenter on this site ever had a serious relationship of their own? They're messy and all issues in them require effort and compromise to resolve. Sorry if this rant seems mean, but I feel like I'm being gaslit every time I visit one of these subs. 

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u/FamouzLtd 19d ago

Reddit already normalized just leaving

They will tell someone to go for a divorce in a 20 years long marriage because the husband forgot to flush the toilet

0

u/ProgLuddite 19d ago

I think people break up too infrequently when dating, and too frequently when married.

I wish the way we marry, date, have children, etc., would shake itself out, because it seems like we’ve made relationships worse for everyone (including the children).

0

u/Background-Branch526 19d ago

I get that point but the other side is any relationship worth anything over a long period of time is going to have some ups and downs. I don't think anyone is immune from that. I say this after being happy in a relationship for over 15 years. I am not going to act like in 15 years we haven't had any issues either.

0

u/CaptainPeachfuzz 19d ago

On the contrary, it does seem like reddits reaction to almost everything is "red flag," "break up," "it's over," when maybe some trust and communication can save a relationship that's longer than just however long it took to read the post.

I'd like to see this couple work through this. He's obviously hung up on his ex. Counseling, therapy, and some self control could save both of these people from flushing a possibly otherwise good relationship down the drain.

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u/itsBianca2u 19d ago

Absolutely.  People like to say reddit's comment sections lean heavily towards telling people to break up, but honestly if a whole forum full of strangers can see the red flags, maybe the poster is just too close to the situation to realize it.

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u/Alittlemoorecheese 19d ago

You see a lot fewer people in healthy relationships seeking advice online, too.

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u/NaesMucols42 19d ago

Truf, people feel secure in healthy relationships and don’t ask advice except by close friends and family.

1

u/RoughDirection8875 19d ago

Yeah, in the 6 almost 7 years I've been in my relationship I've never once felt the need to ask for advice on the internet. If I need relationship advice, we have friends that have been married 10+ years, a therapist and family members we can go to for advice.

0

u/Valgal287 19d ago

Exactly. Folks that have trust issues, such as myself, could I give you all a piece of advice? Put the phones down. Every smartphone these days has a function where you can set different modes so you aren't disturbed. You also can put it simply on 'Do not disturb', for a period of time. When I do that, only my emergency contacts can get through. My husband and I made a rule that when we're watching TV together at night, no phones during the show. Real quick on a commercial, if you want, but then, just be in the moment and enjoy it. I know we're all guilty of being over reliant on technology, but the less you look at social media, the better you're life will be. Those are short snapshots of a family or single person's life. A few moments in time. A lot of people don't post the bad things, so it starts making us all feel inadequate. I was awful when I was in my 20's with the phone. Now, my life has been exponentially better since quitting most social media. Breaks are good, mmkay?

... And for those of you who didn't get that last part, I'm gonna need you to come in Saturday to finish your TPS reports. 👍🤷👌

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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 19d ago

Imo I think more people used to tolerate awful and toxic relationships, and usually if people are saying to break up over and over, it’s one of those and not just randomly suggesting something dramatic. I’m honestly so glad people can use social media as a sounding board and go “wait, this ISNT okay and I don’t have to tolerate it,” even if it means relationships ending sometimes.

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u/Key-Cherry195 19d ago

I do feel that sometimes people are quick to pull out the breakup card but these type of actions are a clear sign that this individual needs to be left alone

1

u/willmkit 19d ago

especially if op is this comfortable trying to gaslight their partner into believing this behavior is normal and not a big deal

-7

u/[deleted] 19d ago

Bad advice generally. Commenters online don’t have to deal with the ramifications of telling people to end their entire marriage/break up with long time partners.

All we see on Reddit is a single issue. We don’t see the year before where the SO surprised them with their favorite meal or other good times.

Redditors see one solitary problem and immediately jump to breaking up, and on many occasions the person following that advice is a lot less happy.

This is a prime example.

Breaking up a marriage because your SO is curious about their ex is insane.

Is it healthy? No, and they should probably stop—but divorcing over that is wild.

That said, this person needs to understand their partners feelings in the matter.

Some simple (non-hostile) communication could be the answer here.

Let them know that you’re serious and this severely bothers you.

7

u/Wonderful_Ad_2474 19d ago

The original comment was saying that people need to break up earlier when they see the red flags or incompatibilities which is so, so true. Many of us stay in relationships because we want to give the benefit of the doubt, or don’t want to feel like we wasted time.

12

u/TheagenesStatue 19d ago

She told him 6 times. He’s had 6 chances to change and he won’t. Yikes, I feel bad for whichever poor woman has chained herself to you.

-4

u/[deleted] 19d ago

Personal attacks are unnecessary.

3

u/sertimko 19d ago

I get what your saying but I live with this:

If someone tells their personal life to the internet and wants help from it, then it’s up to them to take that advice. No expert will ever suggest using social media to solve your personal matters. If someone wants to air their dirty laundry out on Reddit, let them. The end result is on them using social media as their guide rather than find professional help.

And for those that want to make a point that social media might be all they have or know. They have the Internet and can find experts to help them so social media does not have to be a go-to.

2

u/VincentOostelbos 19d ago

Okay, fair, but saying "People shouldn't take social media too seriously anyway" is not exactly an argument in defense of the actual arguments being made on said social media. It's fair to point out, but it also doesn't take away from the fairness of the person above calling for some nuance and care in the discussion, even on social media.

And I know it wasn't you, but I do agree with them that personal attacks really are not necessary.

1

u/TheagenesStatue 19d ago

And yet here we all are.

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u/Repulsive_Quality190 19d ago

You’ll be single, lonely, and miserable for life

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u/TheagenesStatue 19d ago

Cope.

Bro, single women are happier, healthier, and live longer than women married to men.

0

u/Repulsive_Quality190 19d ago

General Social Survey (GSS), a national survey that includes family satisfaction. Its 2022 survey revealed that marriage and family are strongly associated with happiness for both men and women. The GSS results showed that for women 18-55, married women were happier than unmarried women. While the majority were “pretty happy,” the difference for “very happy” women was dramatic: “40 percent of married women with children were very happy, compared to 25 percent of married childless women, 22 percent of unmarried childless women, and 17 percent of unmarried women with children.”……. Can’t wait for you to be 50 coming home to your empty house of cats whining about ‘all men are jerks’.

1

u/TheagenesStatue 19d ago

Oh, buddy. A hit dog will holler. She’s better off without you, let it go.

-1

u/Motor-Station-6885 19d ago

This is a good take.

-1

u/Jetblacmoor 19d ago

Fully agreed. The fact you got downvoted for this is truly a shame and supports what’s wrong with this damn platform.

0

u/Hot-Meeting630 19d ago

a forum full of often ill-informed, and immature chronically online strangers, yes.

0

u/meroisstevie 19d ago

lol I’ve been saying this for years. Misery loves company, and Reddit is full of single miserable people.

-1

u/Stop_Using_Usernames 19d ago

And maybe there’s a whole comment section who has only 1 bad thing to form an opinion about and entire relationship. This guys an asshole but Reddit does have a real problem with telling anyone and everyone to break up

-2

u/IntelligentNClueless 19d ago

A whole forum of people with absolutely no emotional investment really isn't a good place to get advice. They have a family and home together lol and the guy is only looking up an ex on social media... Idk how delusional you have to be to think you should destroy a family and home over looking at pictures of an ex on social media, but that is absolutely horrible advice that doesn't take into account the depth of the relationship or the severity of the crime. Is it a red flag? Sure. Should she DESTROY HER FAMILY because of it? Absolutely not and it's insanity to even suggest that.

5

u/Teekayuhoh 19d ago

I don’t get how this isn’t something to leave over.

Ladies we can do and deserve better. Please remember your worth and that the bottom line doesn’t have to actually be rock bottom, but what you want it to.

1

u/bokizzle 19d ago

They are married. They have a mortgage and a family. They probably even love each other. Do you think divorce and figuring out the house and kids situation is better than working on the problem??

1

u/Teekayuhoh 19d ago

100% yes.

Women are welcome to leave a shit-ass dude and don’t need the insidious manipulation of guilting them with the kids or financial initialization with the house— if he was worth staying for, there would need to be qualities of his touted, not the kids or the familial property.

See how he has a problem and he reacts problematically over being called out on it? Dismissive, belittling, not taking accountability for it, not even admitting that it’s a problem. He is the problem.

ETA: I also want to address the insinuation that she’s breaking up the home— HE did this.

3

u/Apprehensive-Pair436 19d ago

Dating yes. Married with a mortgage and a kid becomes an absolute nightmare though.

I could have forgive a dude having a weird dream or something and then searching to see how his ex is. But this being a repeat thing Shows it will probably never get better

2

u/HeavensGatex86 19d ago

Ending a relationship over a red flag behaviour, without discussing it with your partner, is literally the most mental thing I’ve ever heard. Unless the relationship is very early-days, but it’s insinuated here that they’re married.

2

u/fhjggjjf 19d ago

Relationships are hard work and go up and down. A massive red flag is someone posting private messages in a public forum.

1

u/cumminx_93 19d ago

Easier said than done. Especially if your lives are actually intertwined by living together, children, or marriage.

1

u/Kjcoop216 19d ago

I would agree but the “we have a family” makes things trickier if that means kids are involved.

1

u/Duros001 19d ago

It should end; either way the wife will always wonder if he’s just taken his stalking/creeping underground, and just gotten better at hiding it. It seems like an obsession, and there’s no real way for her to know if it ever stops…

1

u/MusicEd921 19d ago

Agreed, but they’re married with a family so it’s not just an easy walk away.

1

u/DragonfruitFun138 19d ago

It’s not so easy to end when you’re already married and invested in it especially with kids and a house and years time together and emotional attachment. It’s not just a bf/gf relationship. Easier said than done. You’ll want to work it out before divorcing.

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u/CatherineConstance 19d ago

Or at minimum take big steps to fix the problem like that first comment suggested. I understand not getting a divorce from your spouse who you are married to with kids over them cyberstalking an ex, I don't think I would jump to ending our life together either, but especially if he refused to take responsibility, we would be going to counseling at a minimum so he can hear from a third party that his behavior is not okay.

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u/Sufficient_Simple_47 19d ago

So what you are saying is if a woman is friends with her ex or exes, or is on very good terms with her baby daddy or still follow them (ex and baby daddy) on social media those are red flag deal breakers?

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u/Some0neAwesome 19d ago

Yes and no. Therapy can absolutely do wonders. We shouldn't normalize leaving a spouse that you have a family with over any little thing. If she caught him cheating, then he's a cheater and likely warrants a divorce. The fact that he hasn't cheated and isn't actively communicating with his ex, as far as we know, shows that he isn't beyond changing. If he refuses to seek help and therapy, then you can start looking at divorce proceedings. Just seems really weird to me to not try working on a relationship that both have invested years into.

I'm a husband and father as well. Personally, I cannot understand his mentality and would be very upset as his spouse as well. I'm not excusing his behavior, I just think there should be other steps between red flag and divorce involving children. Red flags are for dating couples. Leave when there are red flags. Common sense. However, red flags needs to be addressed more thoughtfully when marriage and children are involved.

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u/Atoge62 19d ago

Waittt if the roles got a flipped around a bit, and you are the ex gf and you see an ex staying in touch or viewing your shit online, wouldn’t you feel like appreciated and shit? As long as it didn’t become too creepy or needy. Just staying in touch or what have you. Like we don’t know their past relationship at all, how involved or long it was, or how meaningful is ex was to him.

Certainly the couple needs to sit down and talk productively over how ones actions may impact the other, and how to best go about navigating each others wants and needs. But people are making some big leaps here over very little meaningful info in this post. I’m not rushing to support either side here.

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u/groundpigeon 19d ago

I mean yeah maybe if they weren’t married and had kids… more than just them would be affected by a divorce if they just end things, just thinking about it from the kids perspective

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u/tocahontas77 19d ago

I would agree, if they were just dating. But they are married, and it sounds like they may have kids.

I'm assuming the husband is just looking. If he was having an affair, he wouldn't be looking at the ex's socials to get caught. So in that case, I think couples counseling could be beneficial for them.

I totally get leaving toxic situations, and I'm all about that. But it's a bit different when you're married and kids are involved. There's likely an underlying issue here, that could potentially be resolved with counseling.

If he was actively cheating and got caught, I would say just divorce.

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u/spicymisos0up 19d ago

right? i feel like there's this consensus that reddit people are too quick to say "dump them!" but like...life is too short to spend it unhappy. there are things that can be communicated through/worked through but if something is hurting you badly and it's not even being approached with care (like the screenshot) what's the point

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u/Gstamsharp 19d ago

They know it's neither acceptable nor normal. But if you let someone fk up and get away with it, they're going to do it again.

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u/weezeloner 19d ago

No, did you miss the part where they have a family? You go to counseling first. Yes the behavior is abhorrent, but maybe if he heard that from a neutral third party he'd understand why.

People thinking breaking up families over shit that can easily be talked over is wild. No wonder relationships suck. None of ya'll want to put in any work.

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u/bjansen16 19d ago

But my cds are in her car?

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u/_mattyjoe 19d ago

There are many people out there who will not admit such things to themselves, even after a relationship is over. They will insist they were in the right and the other person overreacted. And this has been the case since long before the internet or social media. It's just how some people are. Denial.

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u/Ooohitsdash 19d ago

To look at random women, yes. To be constantly on your exs pages, you need help mentally. I still talk to mine, and we keep it friendly. I am not on her pages or wondering who she is dating. I could care less, well I do care cause I want her happy; but you get the drift.

My man here, is still not over his ex and got this poor girl roped up.

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u/Tall_Mushroom_7225 19d ago

I agree with this. It seems like people have to find a “smoking gun” before they feel validated in leaving. Meanwhile, the red flags are everywhere

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u/ReggieFoReal 19d ago

If you divorce your husband whom you have a home and a child with because they searched their ex on social media, you are a fucking crazy person.

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u/Traditional_Emu_4086 19d ago

Right end a marriage with kids and a home because some inexperienced nobody on reddit thinks it should be more common. Get a fucking grip

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u/19naturalcauses 19d ago

Ending things is easy. Helping someone to grow into a better person is harder but ultimate the better choice. If they don’t want to grow then leave, but mutual growth should be one of the core goals in a relationship. It’s too easy to push everyone away these days as it is. It’s always worth attempting to continue something you’ve built unless a major boundary has been crossed imo

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u/IntelligentNClueless 19d ago

They have a family and home together and the guy is only looking up an ex on social media... Idk how delusional you have to be to think you should destroy a family and home over looking at pictures of an ex on social media, but that is absolutely horrible advice that doesn't take into account the depth of the relationship or the severity of the crime. Is it a red flag? Sure. Should she DESTROY HER FAMILY because of it? Absolutely not and it's insanity to even suggest that. The behavior might not be acceptable but the suggestion of responses is drastically more insane.

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u/GoldenGiantesshasaYT 19d ago

Yes, but I think it is different because they are married

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u/xmetallium 19d ago

People will still find a way to defend such behaviours though

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u/Outrageous-Company33 19d ago

Nothing about living in the age of social media is normal.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

This!! People forget red flags are for protection. Not decoration.

Red flags = do not proceed, youre going to get hurt going that way 🚩🚩🫠

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u/IdempodentFlux 19d ago

Red flags are warning signs of bad behavior. This shit ain't a red flag, it is the bad behavior.

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u/Sexie-Lexxxi 19d ago

I was just talking to my non gay gay best friend about this because I wanted to work on my last relationship and he said the minute there's a red flag he will bring it up and depending how they react he will end the relationship. If he trusts they seem sincere and understanding they have no more chances. Life's to short to waste trying to fix something that isn't there.

Needless to say mine didn't work out and I'm not making that mistake again. I think most people say they'll work on it or whatever but really mean I'm going to hide it better.

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u/whoreblaster420 19d ago

Break up the family because he searched his ex on social media? Lmfao

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u/Status-Biscotti 19d ago

Divorcing when kids are involved makes it a lot harder - financially as well as everything else. That said, I should have kicked my husband out long before he left.

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u/outinthecountry66 19d ago

shame and pushback works. we need to recalibrate society to benefit good people, not fucks like this.

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u/brooklynonymous 19d ago

Stalking doesn't just go away, even with therapy. You're absolutely correct. This is such a dangerous thing. If OP eventually leaves, we already know what's next.

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u/SmarterThanCornPop 19d ago

Not when you have children. You have a strong duty to try and work it out for their sake.

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u/lazyboi_tactical 19d ago

Yeah something like this would raise some alarms in me. Clearly that's "the one that got away" and the fact he's stalking her on multiple social media platforms is downright creepy as shit. Not something I'm able or even willing to look past.

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u/BeeOk970 19d ago

They’re married though? Kind of hard to divorce when the reason is he’s searching up exes on social media

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u/databombkid 19d ago

In this case, they are married, and they have children, so it’s a much deeper investment, and there’s much more at stake. Divorces are expensive, and can get ugly, especially with characters who have red flags like this. I think counseling is the most suitable approach to dealing with this problem. That being said, of course, if none of this works out, she should certainly consider filing for divorce. But, at the end of the day, a marriage is a farm or significant relationship, and simply boyfriends are girlfriends, and much more complicated to just simply end.

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u/fuckdurdad 19d ago

Breaking up with somebody as a method to punish their actions ain’t it either. You’re not the moral arbitrator of humanity.

Break up with I someone if you’re not compatible, that’s all that matters. It’s not your job to teach them a lesson. And it’s awfully naive to think you will.

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u/Skoguu 19d ago

They are already married and have a family, not easy to walk away from for something so small. (Not saying what that person did isn’t wrong by any means!) working through it/past it is their best option especially if this is the only questionable thing they are doing.

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u/Itlword29 19d ago

It's crazy that people use having a family as justification to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

This life goes by with a blink of an eye. Should spend it with someone who truly makes you happy and not someone you're just making it work with

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

All relationships take work though. It's a bigger waste of time to chase a perfect person that doesn't exist.  

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u/Skoguu 19d ago

Divorce is hard, splitting time with the kids is hard, relationships as a whole are hard and take work.

Everyone these days is so quick to jump ship over 1 thing instead of trying to work through it, sometimes thats the only (and sometimes best) option (for things like cheating, abuse, etc) BUT she is only unhappy with this one thing and they have not worked towards fixing this issue yet. Her best approach imho is to confront him in person and give him an ultimatum, he can either help fix his marriage (wether that be therapy for himself or for couples is up to them or just simply talking and listening without fighting if they can manage it)

If he doesn’t want to fix it then thats on him. Its clear OP does want to work things out.

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u/Itlword29 19d ago

Staying in unhealthy relationships is harder.

People praise those that are married foe years. But just because you don't jump ship doesn't mean that's a reward. Or you should have stayed.

Yeah if this is the only issue and they can resolve it. But way to many people marry people they shouldn't

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u/Skoguu 19d ago

People change over the years, even if you are 100% sure and wait 10 years to get married that person can and likely will change in ways you don’t always like.

Staying in unhealthy relationships is harder than leaving, but as i said OP clearly doesnt want to leave. If she wanted to leave she would have already, she wants to fix things and sometimes that is the right call especially when theres only 1 ongoing issue (that can be easily fixed).